Do many/most people go through marital problems in their forties and fifties?

[Anonymous]

Traditional marriages with modern twists are needed.

[Anonymous]

The internet is making cheating and leaving your spouse much easier than in the past. Plus the availability of job moving. Everything is available on the internet. Can get set up in a new city within a month because of the information available. A transient culture creates transient marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Realistically, this is probably the first time you’re witnessing what marriages actually look like. As a child, you didn’t understand / see them for what they really are (how could you have?)

What happened to happily ever after? Did it ever exist? I’ve talked to long married women in their 70s /80s. They describe “rough patches” that lasted YEARS…

+100

People were less likely to divorce and 'weathered the storm".

One person in a marriage can create a world of trouble. It just takes one partner to hit a bad midlife crisis--lots of times directly stemming from their own child dysfunction in which these repressed means of coping and behaving don't really come out or be seen until their kids hit the age they were when they experienced--parents cheating/leaving, alcohol abuse, toxicity, violence, etc.

Or- it's just complete immaturity and selfishness as they hit midlife and realize they have more years behind them than in front of them.

Some people do make it through the rough patches (years) and come out the other side in marriage 2.0 and happy. I had a happy childhood but I remember the stress my parents had with three teens, one (my brother) particularly drawn to trouble and the strain it put on them--my mom and dad both said some of the happiest times in their marriage were the 10 years following empty nest (and the early years of course). They traveled and had fun and just seemed so relaxed and in love in the later years--and loving on their grandkids.

In this day and age--less people know that long marriages have peaks and valleys and its a journey. The peaks can rise higher after each valley and what feels like 'the end' at one point is often very temporary in a 50+ year marriage. I had healthy role models for marriage and was even told during my engagement by numerous relatives that there will be times (though I won't believe it now) I might not even want to look at my spouse ...lol...that they will p*ss me off and vice versa, etc.--but it is temporary. I think all of that is true--barring the cases of abuse, addiction, etc. where it is harmful.

[Anonymous]

^^ oh and social media/internet, etc has been the worst thing for people because they are seeing false, curated images and constantly comparing themselves and each other and their marriage to things that aren't real. They think the grass will be greener and instead of turning inward they turn outward. OLD and the ease it is for strangers to connect and hide and hook up, etc., also contributed to this toxic culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m mid-40’s and only know of one couple who has divorced 🤔

Same at that age. I am now 54 and know several--none in my family or immediate circle--but lots of neighbors and parents of my kids' school friends, etc.

[Anonymous]

I’d say 50% of the marriages I know have been affected by physical and mental health problems.

Some divorce, some don’t.

[Anonymous]

For straight couples, I think having children often sends the relationship down the path of the mom doing a ton of invisible labor and the dad getting much more of what he wants with much less effort. By the time the kids are somewhat self-sufficient, the husband is thinking "Yay, we shall return to our carefree pre-child life" and the mom is thinking "This guy has used up all my goodwill forever, and I need some down time alone, or at least not with him."

And voila, gray divorce.

[Anonymous]

54 and know very few divorced people. DH and I are post weathered storm #2. Together 23 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m mid-40’s and only know of one couple who has divorced 🤔

This is fascinating to me. I’m 47 and can think of at least 10 couples very easily, including each of my three close friends from college and several parents of my kids’ close friends. (But not a single couple in my family, nor my husband’s.) My 52 year old sister recently told me that she didn’t know anyone who was divorced. Do certain types of people attract friends who are more likely to divorce? And then when it becomes common among your friends, it’s almost contagious.

NP. I’m 46. Most of my friends are married, but I have a few who are divorced. As for myself, my DH and I are similar to what OP described. We will likely stay together forever, but there is a shift in marriage in your late 40s... when hopes and dreams are replaced by cold hard reality. And people choose to stick with it or flee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m mid-40’s and only know of one couple who has divorced 🤔

This is fascinating to me. I’m 47 and can think of at least 10 couples very easily, including each of my three close friends from college and several parents of my kids’ close friends. (But not a single couple in my family, nor my husband’s.) My 52 year old sister recently told me that she didn’t know anyone who was divorced. Do certain types of people attract friends who are more likely to divorce? And then when it becomes common among your friends, it’s almost contagious.

Statistics bear this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m mid-40’s and only know of one couple who has divorced 🤔

This is fascinating to me. I’m 47 and can think of at least 10 couples very easily, including each of my three close friends from college and several parents of my kids’ close friends. (But not a single couple in my family, nor my husband’s.) My 52 year old sister recently told me that she didn’t know anyone who was divorced. Do certain types of people attract friends who are more likely to divorce? And then when it becomes common among your friends, it’s almost contagious.

Yes. Birds of a feather flock together. I see friend groups where all of the women cheat/divorce, etc.--and same with the men.

I think it really comes down to values. If almost everyone of your friends is cheating/lying to your spouse--what does that say about you and the company you keep? I see them echo "my marriage is happier because I cheat and my kids should see a happy mom" and all other delusional kinds of horsesh*t. I would not be able to stay in a friend group like that. Gross.

Guys that hang around with other guys that brag about hitting some strange and see it as a macho--same thing. Asking for trouble if all of your spouse's friends are like that.

Their family of origin matters significantly too. Are they all dysfunctional?

[Anonymous]

For those who don’t know any divorced couples I wonder where you live.
I am in the boat of knowing very few happily married couples.

We aren’t talking about rough patches.
When you are married to an addict or an abuser the entire marriage becomes a rough patch. And often those character flaws don’t become fully apparent until after the arrival of children.

Oh I also blame youth sports. No one spends nearly enough time cultivating their most important relationship in this area.

We as a culture want for too much — career success, financial success, super star children, material attainment, athletic success …something has to give.

The way lives in the UMC work around here marriage hardly stands a chance.

[Anonymous]

I mean if your #1 goal in life is to climb societies ladders by outgrinding everyone else then you'll probably wind up a pretty miserable, self centered person.

[Anonymous]

This is a weird age, you don’t have the energy you had at 30 or 40 and may be coming to terms that the abilities you have aren’t limitless and you may just have gotten just as far as you’re going to. You thought one day you’d have an apartment on Rue Bayard but instead spend a week with your in-laws at their timeshare on Lake George.

20 to 49 was an unbroken boulevard of green lights and then everything fell apart all at once. Health issues, money problems and betrayal pulled the rug out from under me all within 18 months.
I know people who have lots of rough times and I really didn’t have any, sure there was loss but they were all in a natural order like grandparents, parents etc. so I think that the beating I’ve been taking over the past couple years is long overdue. My spouse would likely report the same and if options were better they’d probably be off making a new life for themselves instead of trying to improve this one.
As I think about my life right now it kind of feels like one of those wealth transfer events like Covid or the real estate crash but instead of coming out ahead like I always did this time I got kicked in the chest, I’m still me so I will come back but the past two years have been humbling to say the least. The positive thing I learned from the past couple years is that there is nothing more precious than human connection, being cared for and understood and returning that immeasurably valuable gift to another is what makes life worth living.

The marriages I’ve witnessed falling apart aren’t a surprise, their dissolution seems almost overdue and I pray mine will not become another.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting to me that people are equating divorce with infidelity. The women I know who initiated divorce did it because the emotional side of the marriage was lacking, not because anyone cheated.

I do know men who left their wives for someone younger and hotter. But for women, it's about the relationship they're in, not the one they want to move on to.