Do many/most people go through marital problems in their forties and fifties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not just men that have midlife crisis. So many women in their 40s have affairs and behave in ways they never thought were possible.

It’s me, hi. I’m the problem, it’s me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird age, you don’t have the energy you had at 30 or 40 and may be coming to terms that the abilities you have aren’t limitless and you may just have gotten just as far as you’re going to. You thought one day you’d have an apartment on Rue Bayard but instead spend a week with your in-laws at their timeshare on Lake George.

20 to 49 was an unbroken boulevard of green lights and then everything fell apart all at once. Health issues, money problems and betrayal pulled the rug out from under me all within 18 months.
I know people who have lots of rough times and I really didn’t have any, sure there was loss but they were all in a natural order like grandparents, parents etc. so I think that the beating I’ve been taking over the past couple years is long overdue. My spouse would likely report the same and if options were better they’d probably be off making a new life for themselves instead of trying to improve this one.
As I think about my life right now it kind of feels like one of those wealth transfer events like Covid or the real estate crash but instead of coming out ahead like I always did this time I got kicked in the chest, I’m still me so I will come back but the past two years have been humbling to say the least. The positive thing I learned from the past couple years is that there is nothing more precious than human connection, being cared for and understood and returning that immeasurably valuable gift to another is what makes life worth living.

The marriages I’ve witnessed falling apart aren’t a surprise, their dissolution seems almost overdue and I pray mine will not become another.

Maybe it’s just me, but I would vastly prefer Lake George in this scenario

Lake George over Paris? Really?

I’m def taking lake George over Paris. Paris is a pain in the ass to get to. Can do great hiking and canoeing in the north country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm late 40s, married 17 years, and definitely not enjoying the marriage, but it goes on. I have a handful of friends who have divorced, but none of them are close friends.

In my kid's 6th grade class at a private school in a DC suburb, there are 60 students. NONE of them have divorced parents. Sometimes I find it astonishing, but for this socioeconomic cohort, it's the norm today. Highly educated UMC people rarely divorce.

UMC are highly educated and highly educated people are well aware of the huge statistical disadvantage that children of divorce have. They’re not in wedded bliss but they’re not willing to handicap their kids for an unknown potential benefit.

-child of divorce

yes. This describes my marriage and that of several of my close friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not just men that have midlife crisis. So many women in their 40s have affairs and behave in ways they never thought were possible.

I am there . I don’t recognize my behavior some days . Including my whirlwind affair that has perhaps gone too far

[Anonymous]

My wife did that to me out of the blue. I'm having a revenge affair to help me move forward and forgive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not just men that have midlife crisis. So many women in their 40s have affairs and behave in ways they never thought were possible.

I am there . I don’t recognize my behavior some days . Including my whirlwind affair that has perhaps gone too far

[Anonymous]

There’s so much unnecessary sadness and complaining in marriage these days. It’s simple , be nice to your spouse, sleep with them frequently and don’t berate them. Too many people are controlling azzholes. We have so much compared to poor people in the third world. Who not focus on that instead of ruing marriage with petty bullsht. Be thankful, bang your spouse a lot and stop worrying. Stop causing drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife did that to me out of the blue. I'm having a revenge affair to help me move forward and forgive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not just men that have midlife crisis. So many women in their 40s have affairs and behave in ways they never thought were possible.

I am there . I don’t recognize my behavior some days . Including my whirlwind affair that has perhaps gone too far

I’m sorry to hear this . You are staying with her ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s so much unnecessary sadness and complaining in marriage these days. It’s simple , be nice to your spouse, sleep with them frequently and don’t berate them. Too many people are controlling azzholes. We have so much compared to poor people in the third world. Who not focus on that instead of ruing marriage with petty bullsht. Be thankful, bang your spouse a lot and stop worrying. Stop causing drama.

Nope.
Not banging the petty, selfish, idiotic ManChild.

[Anonymous]

Until the kids are a few years older. Maybe by then I can forgive. If not, I'm out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife did that to me out of the blue. I'm having a revenge affair to help me move forward and forgive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not just men that have midlife crisis. So many women in their 40s have affairs and behave in ways they never thought were possible.

I am there . I don’t recognize my behavior some days . Including my whirlwind affair that has perhaps gone too far

I’m sorry to hear this . You are staying with her ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife did that to me out of the blue. I'm having a revenge affair to help me move forward and forgive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not just men that have midlife crisis. So many women in their 40s have affairs and behave in ways they never thought were possible.

I am there . I don’t recognize my behavior some days . Including my whirlwind affair that has perhaps gone too far

Unfortunately that’s not how forgiveness works. You’re just stooping to her level and engaging in garbage behavior deliberately. I would guess that having your own affair would only make you more resentful of her and less likely to forgive, but hey, you got some strange too, so I guess it’s all good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s so much unnecessary sadness and complaining in marriage these days. It’s simple , be nice to your spouse, sleep with them frequently and don’t berate them. Too many people are controlling azzholes. We have so much compared to poor people in the third world. Who not focus on that instead of ruing marriage with petty bullsht. Be thankful, bang your spouse a lot and stop worrying. Stop causing drama.

You know that it’s clear you’re a man issuing this order to women, right? We could say the same to you. Be nice to us. Help with the house and the children, without us also having to be the primary breadwinners. Care about us in bed if you want sex. It’s “simple”, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s so much unnecessary sadness and complaining in marriage these days. It’s simple , be nice to your spouse, sleep with them frequently and don’t berate them. Too many people are controlling azzholes. We have so much compared to poor people in the third world. Who not focus on that instead of ruing marriage with petty bullsht. Be thankful, bang your spouse a lot and stop worrying. Stop causing drama.

You know that it’s clear you’re a man issuing this order to women, right? We could say the same to you. Be nice to us. Help with the house and the children, without us also having to be the primary breadwinners. Care about us in bed if you want sex. It’s “simple”, right?

DP. This, at least a little effort in all of the above. Spouse is nice but does almost no housework and nothing in bed and I am the primary breadwinner.

[Anonymous]

I have a large circle of friends in Silver Spring, late 40s, been here 20 years, and know of 2 divorces.

[Anonymous]

OP, I didn’t read the responses but I am only a few years younger than you and have been married for almost twenty years.

I have a few thoughts about this.

A lot of people my age think that any conflict or resentment over the past at all equals divorce and rejection. It’s common to blow up and inflame tensions and romanticize the distant past and/or people that one knows a little but not very well.

It’s also long enough to know your partner’s flaws and reality to set in. People who run from reality and think that life should be a Hallmark movie or Netflix comedy/drama often divorce after this point. If they don’t want to pay the price and are cowards, they cheat.

It’s a worldview and it’s the default one for Gen X. It’s the children of divorce generation after all. Serial shallow relationships are their default.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For straight couples, I think having children often sends the relationship down the path of the mom doing a ton of invisible labor and the dad getting much more of what he wants with much less effort. By the time the kids are somewhat self-sufficient, the husband is thinking "Yay, we shall return to our carefree pre-child life" and the mom is thinking "This guy has used up all my goodwill forever, and I need some down time alone, or at least not with him."

And voila, gray divorce.

This is where I feel like we’re heading if my DH doesn’t step up. I never have time to relax, he has lots of time to relax, and we have a clingy 8 year old for whom I do 90% of parenting duties.