Do many/most people go through marital problems in their forties and fifties?

[Anonymous]

At around 20 years, marriage was hard, for us mainly because of job stress and parents failing health.

Know a lot of friends and relatives who divorced around 20 years because that was when stress of raising kids or jobs or parent illnesses or deaths started to take a toll. Like one pp said, it was usually the harder partying people at this point who divorced; I think, mainly because everything wasn't so much "fun" all the time anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m mid-40’s and only know of one couple who has divorced 🤔

I ask this not unkindly, but do you have a small universe of people you know? Are you considering people you went to K-12 with, people you went to college with, people you went to grad school with, people you have worked with (presumably at more than one job by this point), parents of all of your children's friends, all of the parents of your friends, all of your parent's friends, your neighbors? Statistically, about half of those people would be divorced, so it is an anomaly that you only know of one couple. Now, if you live on a religious commune that shuns divorce, I get it.

I guess I was just thinking of my kids’ friends’ parents. If you add in everyone else from my generation, I guess I know 3 other couples that got divorced in the last 15 years or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in our late forties and it seems like there have been so many divorces and separations. The people who are married seem like they are unhappily married. The friends I am close enough to ALL have issues, going through counseling, can’t wait for kids to be out of the house so they can finally get divorced, etc.

What happened to happily ever after?

It is sad that my not so great marriage seems to be one of the better marriages. We have kids who are doing well, high income, good health. DH annoys me most days and I’m not very attracted to him. I still think he is a good guy. We look pretty good for our ages. The things that annoy me are little things that still drive me crazy but nothing to divorce over.

Or just summarize DCUM and post the above random posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The quality of my marriage is pretty much a direct function of how much personal free time we’re both getting to pursue our hobbies, rest or whatever we want. To me that means we’re in pretty good shape at the core.

I think a lot of people have friction because they are working/parenting too much. Which I get it, you have to do that sometimes to have the life you want. But I don’t think we spend enough time as young people thinking honestly about our personal capacity and how we should set up our lives. Often it’s two people going at 80% as single career adults and then they add a family which is a 50% increase and now they’re just strained all the time.

I think in our high achieving dcum culture, not having enough energy/capacity often feels like failure. So people just grind it out even if they don’t “have” to, economically. Or because they can’t or won’t prioritize.

I often see “date night” suggested but I actually think that’s a terrible idea if you’re already irritated all the time and you should do “solo nights” until you feel ready for date night. Solo nights are also easier because you can switch off the childcare.

I think a persons BAD HABITS really get exposed once they have children and the household suffers because of them and so does their parenting effectiveness.

Bad habits like being unorganized, not communicating well, being a slob, drinking too much whatever (alcohol, coffee, soda), temper tantrums, perfectionism, etc.

Living with someone like that and having to rely on them as a two person team raising a family and creating a home can get impossible if they don’t have good habits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For straight couples, I think having children often sends the relationship down the path of the mom doing a ton of invisible labor and the dad getting much more of what he wants with much less effort. By the time the kids are somewhat self-sufficient, the husband is thinking "Yay, we shall return to our carefree pre-child life" and the mom is thinking "This guy has used up all my goodwill forever, and I need some down time alone, or at least not with him."

And voila, gray divorce.

Absolutely

[Anonymous]

It’s trite, but as time goes on two people are likely to grow apart. Wanting different things during retirements, having big and small regrets, shifting values and priorities around kids, money, outside family/friends, house duties, etc etc. people get set in their ways and don’t respond well to the other. They forget about romance and caring that was there in the beginning before everything got busy and stressful. Years of small resentments pile up.

[Anonymous]

At the 20-25 year mark here is what can happen:
1. Mom's have built up resentment because they have done the lions share of raising the children especially when they work full time.
2. Husband feels like a low priority because wife is so kid focused.
3. Husband hitting mid-life crisis in his career, likely peaking lower than he had hoped for. High level of job dissatisfaction.
4. SAHM's getting depressed when they realize that they will soon be an empty nester. Now, what do I do with my life?
5. 20-25 years of sex with the same person has lost its magic with frequency way down let alone enthusiasm.
6. Husband and wife both start to think about a new life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m mid-40’s and only know of one couple who has divorced 🤔

This is fascinating to me. I’m 47 and can think of at least 10 couples very easily, including each of my three close friends from college and several parents of my kids’ close friends. (But not a single couple in my family, nor my husband’s.) My 52 year old sister recently told me that she didn’t know anyone who was divorced. Do certain types of people attract friends who are more likely to divorce? And then when it becomes common among your friends, it’s almost contagious.

Yes. Birds of a feather flock together. I see friend groups where all of the women cheat/divorce, etc.--and same with the men.

I think it really comes down to values. If almost everyone of your friends is cheating/lying to your spouse--what does that say about you and the company you keep? I see them echo "my marriage is happier because I cheat and my kids should see a happy mom" and all other delusional kinds of horsesh*t. I would not be able to stay in a friend group like that. Gross.

Guys that hang around with other guys that brag about hitting some strange and see it as a macho--same thing. Asking for trouble if all of your spouse's friends are like that.

Their family of origin matters significantly too. Are they all dysfunctional?

It's also about friend groups and support structures. If you're going through a hard time in your marriage and almost everyone you know is divorced or has been divorced, you're going to get much different advice than if you have a lot of friends who went through rough spots and made it through with their marriages intact. The person with a lot of divorced friends is much more likely to see it as normal just to nope out of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

My wife decided to have an affair on me after 20 years, not fun. Especially, given that I spoiled her our entire marriage—never had to work, luxury vacations, lots of domestic help.

[Anonymous]

This book really helped me do some reframing once I hit middle age (it had been recommended as the best book to explain rough patches in long marriages). Takes on all the big issues. I am thinking I need to give it a reread now that we’re dealing with elderly parents issues. https://www.amazon.com/Rough-Patch-Marriage-L...-reviews_feature_div

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the 20-25 year mark here is what can happen:
1. Mom's have built up resentment because they have done the lions share of raising the children especially when they work full time.
2. Husband feels like a low priority because wife is so kid focused.
3. Husband hitting mid-life crisis in his career, likely peaking lower than he had hoped for. High level of job dissatisfaction.
4. SAHM's getting depressed when they realize that they will soon be an empty nester. Now, what do I do with my life?
5. 20-25 years of sex with the same person has lost its magic with frequency way down let alone enthusiasm.
6. Husband and wife both start to think about a new life.

5 is only relevant for women. Men don’t get tired of sex with their wives. And #1 is baloney for modern couples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the 20-25 year mark here is what can happen:
1. Mom's have built up resentment because they have done the lions share of raising the children especially when they work full time.
2. Husband feels like a low priority because wife is so kid focused.
3. Husband hitting mid-life crisis in his career, likely peaking lower than he had hoped for. High level of job dissatisfaction.
4. SAHM's getting depressed when they realize that they will soon be an empty nester. Now, what do I do with my life?
5. 20-25 years of sex with the same person has lost its magic with frequency way down let alone enthusiasm.
6. Husband and wife both start to think about a new life.

5 is only relevant for women. Men don’t get tired of sex with their wives. And #1 is baloney for modern couples.

Wow, you think people are just their gender…..hmmm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Social media killed a lot of marriages but getting people in touch with crushes and by making them compare their raw reality with other couple's choreographed hughlights.

This^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the 20-25 year mark here is what can happen:
1. Mom's have built up resentment because they have done the lions share of raising the children especially when they work full time.
2. Husband feels like a low priority because wife is so kid focused.
3. Husband hitting mid-life crisis in his career, likely peaking lower than he had hoped for. High level of job dissatisfaction.
4. SAHM's getting depressed when they realize that they will soon be an empty nester. Now, what do I do with my life?
5. 20-25 years of sex with the same person has lost its magic with frequency way down let alone enthusiasm.
6. Husband and wife both start to think about a new life.

5 is only relevant for women. Men don’t get tired of sex with their wives. And #1 is baloney for modern couples.

A man who refers to his minimal domestic efforts as "helping" has arrived. Yay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The quality of my marriage is pretty much a direct function of how much personal free time we’re both getting to pursue our hobbies, rest or whatever we want. To me that means we’re in pretty good shape at the core.

I think a lot of people have friction because they are working/parenting too much. Which I get it, you have to do that sometimes to have the life you want. But I don’t think we spend enough time as young people thinking honestly about our personal capacity and how we should set up our lives. Often it’s two people going at 80% as single career adults and then they add a family which is a 50% increase and now they’re just strained all the time.

I think in our high achieving dcum culture, not having enough energy/capacity often feels like failure. So people just grind it out even if they don’t “have” to, economically. Or because they can’t or won’t prioritize.

I often see “date night” suggested but I actually think that’s a terrible idea if you’re already irritated all the time and you should do “solo nights” until you feel ready for date night. Solo nights are also easier because you can switch off the childcare.

I think a persons BAD HABITS really get exposed once they have children and the household suffers because of them and so does their parenting effectiveness.

Bad habits like being unorganized, not communicating well, being a slob, drinking too much whatever (alcohol, coffee, soda), temper tantrums, perfectionism, etc.

Living with someone like that and having to rely on them as a two person team raising a family and creating a home can get impossible if they don’t have good habits.

Are you Mormon? How’s drinking coffee making it impossible to raise a family and create a home with someone? Ditto for soda.