Do many/most people go through marital problems in their forties and fifties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m mid-40’s and only know of one couple who has divorced 🤔

This is fascinating to me. I’m 47 and can think of at least 10 couples very easily, including each of my three close friends from college and several parents of my kids’ close friends. (But not a single couple in my family, nor my husband’s.) My 52 year old sister recently told me that she didn’t know anyone who was divorced. Do certain types of people attract friends who are more likely to divorce? And then when it becomes common among your friends, it’s almost contagious.

Same. I'm 51 and know SO MANY divorces. Including ones I did not see coming. It was eye opening that you never know what people are going through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Realistically, this is probably the first time you’re witnessing what marriages actually look like. As a child, you didn’t understand / see them for what they really are (how could you have?)

What happened to happily ever after? Did it ever exist? I’ve talked to long married women in their 70s /80s. They describe “rough patches” that lasted YEARS…

I think this is definitely true and I will end up being one of these ladies. I love my husband dearly, but he annoys the heck out of me (and I him). He snapped at our 8 yo this morning for eating dry cereal with her hand - to the point she was crying because he literally said "i dont care" when she tried to explain why she was eating with her hand. I quickly comforted her and he got super annoyed with me. Not a divorcable offense and he has many many good qualities. I am definitely not happy with this "impatient patch". I also understand it's hard - tough demanding careers, sick old parents (one died), raising kids, trying to keep fit, not sleeping enough, getting age related health concerns, etc, etc. This won't last forever and we'll eventually get back to us. I think some people just don't focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hmmm. Not a divorecable offense for you. He, on the other hand, might get sick of being undermined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m mid-40’s and only know of one couple who has divorced 🤔

This is fascinating to me. I’m 47 and can think of at least 10 couples very easily, including each of my three close friends from college and several parents of my kids’ close friends. (But not a single couple in my family, nor my husband’s.) My 52 year old sister recently told me that she didn’t know anyone who was divorced. Do certain types of people attract friends who are more likely to divorce? And then when it becomes common among your friends, it’s almost contagious.

Yes. Birds of a feather flock together. I see friend groups where all of the women cheat/divorce, etc.--and same with the men.

I think it really comes down to values. If almost everyone of your friends is cheating/lying to your spouse--what does that say about you and the company you keep? I see them echo "my marriage is happier because I cheat and my kids should see a happy mom" and all other delusional kinds of horsesh*t. I would not be able to stay in a friend group like that. Gross.

Guys that hang around with other guys that brag about hitting some strange and see it as a macho--same thing. Asking for trouble if all of your spouse's friends are like that.

Their family of origin matters significantly too. Are they all dysfunctional?

Really?!?!?

I'm in the thick of middle age. Who has time to cheat?! If I had more time, I'd get a full night sleep, maybe some exercise, maybe even watch a whole movie in one go. Cheat? Furthest thing from my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Realistically, this is probably the first time you’re witnessing what marriages actually look like. As a child, you didn’t understand / see them for what they really are (how could you have?)

What happened to happily ever after? Did it ever exist? I’ve talked to long married women in their 70s /80s. They describe “rough patches” that lasted YEARS…

Talking about this is why I’m deeply devoted and grateful to Michelle Obama.

LoL!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird age, you don’t have the energy you had at 30 or 40 and may be coming to terms that the abilities you have aren’t limitless and you may just have gotten just as far as you’re going to. You thought one day you’d have an apartment on Rue Bayard but instead spend a week with your in-laws at their timeshare on Lake George.

20 to 49 was an unbroken boulevard of green lights and then everything fell apart all at once. Health issues, money problems and betrayal pulled the rug out from under me all within 18 months.
I know people who have lots of rough times and I really didn’t have any, sure there was loss but they were all in a natural order like grandparents, parents etc. so I think that the beating I’ve been taking over the past couple years is long overdue. My spouse would likely report the same and if options were better they’d probably be off making a new life for themselves instead of trying to improve this one.
As I think about my life right now it kind of feels like one of those wealth transfer events like Covid or the real estate crash but instead of coming out ahead like I always did this time I got kicked in the chest, I’m still me so I will come back but the past two years have been humbling to say the least. The positive thing I learned from the past couple years is that there is nothing more precious than human connection, being cared for and understood and returning that immeasurably valuable gift to another is what makes life worth living.

The marriages I’ve witnessed falling apart aren’t a surprise, their dissolution seems almost overdue and I pray mine will not become another.

Maybe it’s just me, but I would vastly prefer Lake George in this scenario

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m mid-40’s and only know of one couple who has divorced 🤔

This is fascinating to me. I’m 47 and can think of at least 10 couples very easily, including each of my three close friends from college and several parents of my kids’ close friends. (But not a single couple in my family, nor my husband’s.) My 52 year old sister recently told me that she didn’t know anyone who was divorced. Do certain types of people attract friends who are more likely to divorce? And then when it becomes common among your friends, it’s almost contagious.

Yes. Birds of a feather flock together. I see friend groups where all of the women cheat/divorce, etc.--and same with the men.

I think it really comes down to values. If almost everyone of your friends is cheating/lying to your spouse--what does that say about you and the company you keep? I see them echo "my marriage is happier because I cheat and my kids should see a happy mom" and all other delusional kinds of horsesh*t. I would not be able to stay in a friend group like that. Gross.

Guys that hang around with other guys that brag about hitting some strange and see it as a macho--same thing. Asking for trouble if all of your spouse's friends are like that.

Their family of origin matters significantly too. Are they all dysfunctional?

You know multiple people who say these things? Holy crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m mid-40’s and only know of one couple who has divorced 🤔

This is fascinating to me. I’m 47 and can think of at least 10 couples very easily, including each of my three close friends from college and several parents of my kids’ close friends. (But not a single couple in my family, nor my husband’s.) My 52 year old sister recently told me that she didn’t know anyone who was divorced. Do certain types of people attract friends who are more likely to divorce? And then when it becomes common among your friends, it’s almost contagious.

Yes. Birds of a feather flock together. I see friend groups where all of the women cheat/divorce, etc.--and same with the men.

I think it really comes down to values. If almost everyone of your friends is cheating/lying to your spouse--what does that say about you and the company you keep? I see them echo "my marriage is happier because I cheat and my kids should see a happy mom" and all other delusional kinds of horsesh*t. I would not be able to stay in a friend group like that. Gross.

Guys that hang around with other guys that brag about hitting some strange and see it as a macho--same thing. Asking for trouble if all of your spouse's friends are like that.

Their family of origin matters significantly too. Are they all dysfunctional?

Really?!?!?

I'm in the thick of middle age. Who has time to cheat?! If I had more time, I'd get a full night sleep, maybe some exercise, maybe even watch a whole movie in one go. Cheat? Furthest thing from my mind.

Ha ha, exactly! I don't have the time or energy to even think about cheating!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird age, you don’t have the energy you had at 30 or 40 and may be coming to terms that the abilities you have aren’t limitless and you may just have gotten just as far as you’re going to. You thought one day you’d have an apartment on Rue Bayard but instead spend a week with your in-laws at their timeshare on Lake George.

20 to 49 was an unbroken boulevard of green lights and then everything fell apart all at once. Health issues, money problems and betrayal pulled the rug out from under me all within 18 months.
I know people who have lots of rough times and I really didn’t have any, sure there was loss but they were all in a natural order like grandparents, parents etc. so I think that the beating I’ve been taking over the past couple years is long overdue. My spouse would likely report the same and if options were better they’d probably be off making a new life for themselves instead of trying to improve this one.
As I think about my life right now it kind of feels like one of those wealth transfer events like Covid or the real estate crash but instead of coming out ahead like I always did this time I got kicked in the chest, I’m still me so I will come back but the past two years have been humbling to say the least. The positive thing I learned from the past couple years is that there is nothing more precious than human connection, being cared for and understood and returning that immeasurably valuable gift to another is what makes life worth living.

The marriages I’ve witnessed falling apart aren’t a surprise, their dissolution seems almost overdue and I pray mine will not become another.

Maybe it’s just me, but I would vastly prefer Lake George in this scenario

Lake George over Paris? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who don’t know any divorced couples I wonder where you live.
I am in the boat of knowing very few happily married couples.

We aren’t talking about rough patches.
When you are married to an addict or an abuser the entire marriage becomes a rough patch. And often those character flaws don’t become fully apparent until after the arrival of children.

Oh I also blame youth sports. No one spends nearly enough time cultivating their most important relationship in this area.

We as a culture want for too much — career success, financial success, super star children, material attainment, athletic success …something has to give.

The way lives in the UMC work around here marriage hardly stands a chance.

People will hate this answer, but I live in a suburb of a major city (not DC) and there are a lot of SAHM’s in my region. These marriages tend to last. Is there less divorce because there is less stress in these families or is it because the wife is dependent financially and cannot easily divorce? I don’t know.

My guess is some nuance to it: It seems like educated SAHM’s who are married to a higher income earner are in the sweet spot. There are also SAHM who are married to lower income earners where I live, where both partners tend to have low levels of education, and from what I can tell from the anonymous posts on FB groups, many of these marriages are unstable with abuse, addiction, neglect, control and anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Realistically, this is probably the first time you’re witnessing what marriages actually look like. As a child, you didn’t understand / see them for what they really are (how could you have?)

What happened to happily ever after? Did it ever exist? I’ve talked to long married women in their 70s /80s. They describe “rough patches” that lasted YEARS…

I think this is definitely true and I will end up being one of these ladies. I love my husband dearly, but he annoys the heck out of me (and I him). He snapped at our 8 yo this morning for eating dry cereal with her hand - to the point she was crying because he literally said "i dont care" when she tried to explain why she was eating with her hand. I quickly comforted her and he got super annoyed with me. Not a divorcable offense and he has many many good qualities. I am definitely not happy with this "impatient patch". I also understand it's hard - tough demanding careers, sick old parents (one died), raising kids, trying to keep fit, not sleeping enough, getting age related health concerns, etc, etc. This won't last forever and we'll eventually get back to us. I think some people just don't focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hmmm. Not a divorecable offense for you. He, on the other hand, might get sick of being undermined.

And by "undermined" you mean "asked to have some consideration for other people"? Yeah, he's going to get tired of it, and the poster and her daughter may well get tired of dealing with Grumpy Man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m mid-40’s and only know of one couple who has divorced 🤔

This is fascinating to me. I’m 47 and can think of at least 10 couples very easily, including each of my three close friends from college and several parents of my kids’ close friends. (But not a single couple in my family, nor my husband’s.) My 52 year old sister recently told me that she didn’t know anyone who was divorced. Do certain types of people attract friends who are more likely to divorce? And then when it becomes common among your friends, it’s almost contagious.

Yes. Birds of a feather flock together. I see friend groups where all of the women cheat/divorce, etc.--and same with the men.

I think it really comes down to values. If almost everyone of your friends is cheating/lying to your spouse--what does that say about you and the company you keep? I see them echo "my marriage is happier because I cheat and my kids should see a happy mom" and all other delusional kinds of horsesh*t. I would not be able to stay in a friend group like that. Gross.

Guys that hang around with other guys that brag about hitting some strange and see it as a macho--same thing. Asking for trouble if all of your spouse's friends are like that.

Their family of origin matters significantly too. Are they all dysfunctional?

Really?!?!?

I'm in the thick of middle age. Who has time to cheat?! If I had more time, I'd get a full night sleep, maybe some exercise, maybe even watch a whole movie in one go. Cheat? Furthest thing from my mind.

Ha ha, exactly! I don't have the time or energy to even think about cheating!

You’re not a lonely, self-obsessed hornball.

-lonely, self-obsessed hornball. Haven’t cheated but came awfully close

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Realistically, this is probably the first time you’re witnessing what marriages actually look like. As a child, you didn’t understand / see them for what they really are (how could you have?)

What happened to happily ever after? Did it ever exist? I’ve talked to long married women in their 70s /80s. They describe “rough patches” that lasted YEARS…

I think this is definitely true and I will end up being one of these ladies. I love my husband dearly, but he annoys the heck out of me (and I him). He snapped at our 8 yo this morning for eating dry cereal with her hand - to the point she was crying because he literally said "i dont care" when she tried to explain why she was eating with her hand. I quickly comforted her and he got super annoyed with me. Not a divorcable offense and he has many many good qualities. I am definitely not happy with this "impatient patch". I also understand it's hard - tough demanding careers, sick old parents (one died), raising kids, trying to keep fit, not sleeping enough, getting age related health concerns, etc, etc. This won't last forever and we'll eventually get back to us. I think some people just don't focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hmmm. Not a divorecable offense for you. He, on the other hand, might get sick of being undermined.

If he views me comforting my child when he over-reacts and makes her cry as "undermining", then that says more about him. He should learn to control how he speaks to people so as not to make them cry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird age, you don’t have the energy you had at 30 or 40 and may be coming to terms that the abilities you have aren’t limitless and you may just have gotten just as far as you’re going to. You thought one day you’d have an apartment on Rue Bayard but instead spend a week with your in-laws at their timeshare on Lake George.

20 to 49 was an unbroken boulevard of green lights and then everything fell apart all at once. Health issues, money problems and betrayal pulled the rug out from under me all within 18 months.
I know people who have lots of rough times and I really didn’t have any, sure there was loss but they were all in a natural order like grandparents, parents etc. so I think that the beating I’ve been taking over the past couple years is long overdue. My spouse would likely report the same and if options were better they’d probably be off making a new life for themselves instead of trying to improve this one.
As I think about my life right now it kind of feels like one of those wealth transfer events like Covid or the real estate crash but instead of coming out ahead like I always did this time I got kicked in the chest, I’m still me so I will come back but the past two years have been humbling to say the least. The positive thing I learned from the past couple years is that there is nothing more precious than human connection, being cared for and understood and returning that immeasurably valuable gift to another is what makes life worth living.

The marriages I’ve witnessed falling apart aren’t a surprise, their dissolution seems almost overdue and I pray mine will not become another.

Maybe it’s just me, but I would vastly prefer Lake George in this scenario

Lake George over Paris? Really?

Paris in 2024? Yes, absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Happy Ever After was a literally device invented to end a story after the main climax.

Before that, the standard ending was "and then everyone died".

OP, your mediocre marriage isn't necessarily one of the better ones; it's made of people who believe in commitment or (correctly or incorrectly) don't think you could do better if you split.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who don’t know any divorced couples I wonder where you live.
I am in the boat of knowing very few happily married couples.

We aren’t talking about rough patches.
When you are married to an addict or an abuser the entire marriage becomes a rough patch. And often those character flaws don’t become fully apparent until after the arrival of children.

Oh I also blame youth sports. No one spends nearly enough time cultivating their most important relationship in this area.

We as a culture want for too much — career success, financial success, super star children, material attainment, athletic success …something has to give.

The way lives in the UMC work around here marriage hardly stands a chance.

People will hate this answer, but I live in a suburb of a major city (not DC) and there are a lot of SAHM’s in my region. These marriages tend to last. Is there less divorce because there is less stress in these families or is it because the wife is dependent financially and cannot easily divorce? I don’t know.

My guess is some nuance to it: It seems like educated SAHM’s who are married to a higher income earner are in the sweet spot. There are also SAHM who are married to lower income earners where I live, where both partners tend to have low levels of education, and from what I can tell from the anonymous posts on FB groups, many of these marriages are unstable with abuse, addiction, neglect, control and anger.

SAHMs may be more dependent financially, but they get those finances whether they stay married or divorce.

Divorce is only financially better if the combined income/wealth is so large that divorce is affordable (because at some UMC wealth level the rest of money is just for wasting not for having a decent life)