Do many/most people go through marital problems in their forties and fifties?

[Anonymous]

Nah. It's normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird age, you don’t have the energy you had at 30 or 40 and may be coming to terms that the abilities you have aren’t limitless and you may just have gotten just as far as you’re going to. You thought one day you’d have an apartment on Rue Bayard but instead spend a week with your in-laws at their timeshare on Lake George.

20 to 49 was an unbroken boulevard of green lights and then everything fell apart all at once. Health issues, money problems and betrayal pulled the rug out from under me all within 18 months.
I know people who have lots of rough times and I really didn’t have any, sure there was loss but they were all in a natural order like grandparents, parents etc. so I think that the beating I’ve been taking over the past couple years is long overdue. My spouse would likely report the same and if options were better they’d probably be off making a new life for themselves instead of trying to improve this one.
As I think about my life right now it kind of feels like one of those wealth transfer events like Covid or the real estate crash but instead of coming out ahead like I always did this time I got kicked in the chest, I’m still me so I will come back but the past two years have been humbling to say the least. The positive thing I learned from the past couple years is that there is nothing more precious than human connection, being cared for and understood and returning that immeasurably valuable gift to another is what makes life worth living.

The marriages I’ve witnessed falling apart aren’t a surprise, their dissolution seems almost overdue and I pray mine will not become another.

Mmm I am so glad my in laws are deceased.

[Anonymous]

I mean yes, duh. That's the age where (1) you realize this is your life and you're not going to be an astronaut or whatever you dreamed about as a kid (if you're unhappy with your job), (2) you have kids and they're either in an exhausting stage if you had them later or you're exhausted from having made it through those stages or they're gone and you realize you failed to take care of your marriage while the kids lived with you and now you're facing life with a stranger, (3) you're likely in worse physical shape that you were in when you were younger, even if you've worked hard to maintain your fitness, things start to hurt more at that age, (4) you've been married to the same person for likely multiple decades at this point, and dealing with someone every day of your life can be hard, no matter how much you like each other, (5) your life is likely very entangled with this person to whom you are married to the extent that unwinding it would be a massive ordeal. Do you need me to go on? There are a million things that happen in your forties and fifties that aren't issues at earlier ages. That's why the notion of a mid-life crisis exists. That is your mid-life.

[Anonymous]

The divorces we have seen, and it’s not many, are among the hard partying crowd who let their kids run wild. It just seems to be a lack of self discipline and bad parenting. Most of them are in their mid 40 to 50. I’m sure the partying and the kids running wild leads to many battles at home which we never see. We’ve been married a long time and I can’t recall a single divorce among any of our close friends. This isn’t to say that everyone is really happy but it hasn’t led to divorce. On the other hand both my sister and brother have been divorced! No doubt looming empty nesterhood is a pivotal point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m mid-40’s and only know of one couple who has divorced 🤔

I ask this not unkindly, but do you have a small universe of people you know? Are you considering people you went to K-12 with, people you went to college with, people you went to grad school with, people you have worked with (presumably at more than one job by this point), parents of all of your children's friends, all of the parents of your friends, all of your parent's friends, your neighbors? Statistically, about half of those people would be divorced, so it is an anomaly that you only know of one couple. Now, if you live on a religious commune that shuns divorce, I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know a single couple who hasn't had issues at that age. I feel it's entirely normal and understandable to come to mid-life, deal with perimenopause hormones and whatever men get at the same age, disruptive adolescents, aging parents, and see your professional and private hopes reframe themselves naturally.

I'd be shocked if a couple DIDN'T have problems, honestly!

However none of my friends are divorced or separated, and neither are we. But I think that may be more of a cultural issue than a measure of how unserious or serious the marital problems are. My circle is American, European and Asian, with Catholic roots or some other type of conservative tradition shaping our understanding of life (even though none of us are regular church/pagoda/temple goers), and we all believe the institution of marriage is important.

This. Marriages are made up of the bond between two people, and eventually something in life is going to put stress on that bond. DH and I have been together 20 years and had a "rough patch" for a couple of years that we are just starting to come out of. It was health issues that put the pressure on us. I'm 53 and dealt with sleep deprivation from undiagnosed sleep apnea and insomnia and hot flashes from perimenopause. It hasn't been pretty. But with treatment for both, things are getting better.

But yeah, eventually something puts stress on the marriage. If not -- you probably aren't living much. (I remember when I was a young lawyer at DOJ I said to my chief "I haven't lost a single case," and he said "Then I haven't been giving you anything challenging enough." Same kind of thing. )

Ha, I wonder if we worked in the same division of DOJ because I remember my chief telling us that if we hadn't lost anything it didn't mean we were really good at our jobs, it just meant that we hadn't had any hard cases yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who don’t know any divorced couples I wonder where you live.
I am in the boat of knowing very few happily married couples.

We aren’t talking about rough patches.
When you are married to an addict or an abuser the entire marriage becomes a rough patch. And often those character flaws don’t become fully apparent until after the arrival of children.

Oh I also blame youth sports. No one spends nearly enough time cultivating their most important relationship in this area.

We as a culture want for too much — career success, financial success, super star children, material attainment, athletic success …something has to give.

The way lives in the UMC work around here marriage hardly stands a chance.

I'm in the DC area and 99% of our friends are still married (we're on year 26). All of us are UMC. I don't know one person who has cheated. These are friends from when our kids were in daycare, elementary, college friends, grad school friends, childhood friends. None of us are particularly religious either. I wonder about this a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who don’t know any divorced couples I wonder where you live.
I am in the boat of knowing very few happily married couples.

We aren’t talking about rough patches.
When you are married to an addict or an abuser the entire marriage becomes a rough patch. And often those character flaws don’t become fully apparent until after the arrival of children.

Oh I also blame youth sports. No one spends nearly enough time cultivating their most important relationship in this area.

We as a culture want for too much — career success, financial success, super star children, material attainment, athletic success …something has to give.

The way lives in the UMC work around here marriage hardly stands a chance.

I'm in the DC area and 99% of our friends are still married (we're on year 26). All of us are UMC. I don't know one person who has cheated. These are friends from when our kids were in daycare, elementary, college friends, grad school friends, childhood friends. None of us are particularly religious either. I wonder about this a lot.

You definitely know more than one person who has cheated, you just don’t know that they did. Which is fine! It’s not really something you need to know!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who don’t know any divorced couples I wonder where you live.
I am in the boat of knowing very few happily married couples.

We aren’t talking about rough patches.
When you are married to an addict or an abuser the entire marriage becomes a rough patch. And often those character flaws don’t become fully apparent until after the arrival of children.

Oh I also blame youth sports. No one spends nearly enough time cultivating their most important relationship in this area.

We as a culture want for too much — career success, financial success, super star children, material attainment, athletic success …something has to give.

The way lives in the UMC work around here marriage hardly stands a chance.

I'm in the DC area and 99% of our friends are still married (we're on year 26). All of us are UMC. I don't know one person who has cheated. These are friends from when our kids were in daycare, elementary, college friends, grad school friends, childhood friends. None of us are particularly religious either. I wonder about this a lot.

You definitely know more than one person who has cheated, you just don’t know that they did. Which is fine! It’s not really something you need to know!

Yes, agreed. But, someone in an earlier response said that she knows whole groups where everyone has affairs, etc. My friend groups aren't like that in the slightest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who don’t know any divorced couples I wonder where you live.
I am in the boat of knowing very few happily married couples.

We aren’t talking about rough patches.
When you are married to an addict or an abuser the entire marriage becomes a rough patch. And often those character flaws don’t become fully apparent until after the arrival of children.

Oh I also blame youth sports. No one spends nearly enough time cultivating their most important relationship in this area.

We as a culture want for too much — career success, financial success, super star children, material attainment, athletic success …something has to give.

The way lives in the UMC work around here marriage hardly stands a chance.

I'm in the DC area and 99% of our friends are still married (we're on year 26). All of us are UMC. I don't know one person who has cheated. These are friends from when our kids were in daycare, elementary, college friends, grad school friends, childhood friends. None of us are particularly religious either. I wonder about this a lot.

You definitely know more than one person who has cheated, you just don’t know that they did. Which is fine! It’s not really something you need to know!

^accurate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird age, you don’t have the energy you had at 30 or 40 and may be coming to terms that the abilities you have aren’t limitless and you may just have gotten just as far as you’re going to. You thought one day you’d have an apartment on Rue Bayard but instead spend a week with your in-laws at their timeshare on Lake George.

20 to 49 was an unbroken boulevard of green lights and then everything fell apart all at once. Health issues, money problems and betrayal pulled the rug out from under me all within 18 months.
I know people who have lots of rough times and I really didn’t have any, sure there was loss but they were all in a natural order like grandparents, parents etc. so I think that the beating I’ve been taking over the past couple years is long overdue. My spouse would likely report the same and if options were better they’d probably be off making a new life for themselves instead of trying to improve this one.
As I think about my life right now it kind of feels like one of those wealth transfer events like Covid or the real estate crash but instead of coming out ahead like I always did this time I got kicked in the chest, I’m still me so I will come back but the past two years have been humbling to say the least. The positive thing I learned from the past couple years is that there is nothing more precious than human connection, being cared for and understood and returning that immeasurably valuable gift to another is what makes life worth living.

The marriages I’ve witnessed falling apart aren’t a surprise, their dissolution seems almost overdue and I pray mine will not become another.

Maybe it’s just me, but I would vastly prefer Lake George in this scenario

Lake George over Paris? Really?

Paris in 2024? Yes, absolutely.

Because of the Olympics?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who don’t know any divorced couples I wonder where you live.
I am in the boat of knowing very few happily married couples.

We aren’t talking about rough patches.
When you are married to an addict or an abuser the entire marriage becomes a rough patch. And often those character flaws don’t become fully apparent until after the arrival of children.

Oh I also blame youth sports. No one spends nearly enough time cultivating their most important relationship in this area.

We as a culture want for too much — career success, financial success, super star children, material attainment, athletic success …something has to give.

The way lives in the UMC work around here marriage hardly stands a chance.

I'm the PP who said I didn't know any divorced couples in my immediate social circle. I live in Bethesda, where I'm sure there are many!
And to your other point, my husband and son have ADHD/ASD. We've been married 20 years. Our entire life together is fraught with the consequences of attention dysregulation, as well the social and emotional misunderstandings that come with autism! There have been very bad times in our life together, PP.

This is what I meant by divorce not always being a measure of how serious the problems are. You can have very serious problems and still understand that leaving would cause worse problems, and still see that living together does bring moments of joy and fulfillment. Thus the conclusion that people who stay together must have an overarching belief in the concept of marriage itself, separate from their daily struggles. There has to be an element of faith, not necessarily religious.

[Anonymous]

the more stressors in your marriage/family, the greater chance of divorce, like:
- more than 2 kids
- special needs kid
- health issues
- toxic/stressful work

sadly, formerly happy couples succumb to the weight of stressors and build resentment towards each other.

[Anonymous]

I'm not seeing that. I can only speak for my (second) marriage and we're still strong and solid. I'm 47, he's 54. Married 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who don’t know any divorced couples I wonder where you live.
I am in the boat of knowing very few happily married couples.

We aren’t talking about rough patches.
When you are married to an addict or an abuser the entire marriage becomes a rough patch. And often those character flaws don’t become fully apparent until after the arrival of children.

Oh I also blame youth sports. No one spends nearly enough time cultivating their most important relationship in this area.

We as a culture want for too much — career success, financial success, super star children, material attainment, athletic success …something has to give.

The way lives in the UMC work around here marriage hardly stands a chance.

I'm in the DC area and 99% of our friends are still married (we're on year 26). All of us are UMC. I don't know one person who has cheated. These are friends from when our kids were in daycare, elementary, college friends, grad school friends, childhood friends. None of us are particularly religious either. I wonder about this a lot.

You definitely know more than one person who has cheated, you just don’t know that they did. Which is fine! It’s not really something you need to know!

^accurate.

True. And they handled it discreetly amongst themselves so as not to negatively affect the children- or someone never got caught.