Do many/most people go through marital problems in their forties and fifties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the 20-25 year mark here is what can happen:
1. Mom's have built up resentment because they have done the lions share of raising the children especially when they work full time.
2. Husband feels like a low priority because wife is so kid focused.
3. Husband hitting mid-life crisis in his career, likely peaking lower than he had hoped for. High level of job dissatisfaction.
4. SAHM's getting depressed when they realize that they will soon be an empty nester. Now, what do I do with my life?
5. 20-25 years of sex with the same person has lost its magic with frequency way down let alone enthusiasm.
6. Husband and wife both start to think about a new life.

5 is only relevant for women. Men don’t get tired of sex with their wives. And #1 is baloney for modern couples.

Then why is it mostly men who cheat? I hardly think every single wife is not a willing sex partner. You're delusional. Most men want 'strange' whether they're with a supermodel or their plain jane wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in our late forties and it seems like there have been so many divorces and separations. The people who are married seem like they are unhappily married. The friends I am close enough to ALL have issues, going through counseling, can’t wait for kids to be out of the house so they can finally get divorced, etc.

What happened to happily ever after?

It is sad that my not so great marriage seems to be one of the better marriages. We have kids who are doing well, high income, good health. DH annoys me most days and I’m not very attracted to him. I still think he is a good guy. We look pretty good for our ages. The things that annoy me are little things that still drive me crazy but nothing to divorce over.

For me, never should have ever married to begin with. I just can no longer deny this to myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I don’t live in the same household which has stopped us from getting a divorce.

Tell me everything!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are in our late forties and it seems like there have been so many divorces and separations. The people who are married seem like they are unhappily married. The friends I am close enough to ALL have issues, going through counseling, can’t wait for kids to be out of the house so they can finally get divorced, etc.

What happened to happily ever after?

It is sad that my not so great marriage seems to be one of the better marriages. We have kids who are doing well, high income, good health. DH annoys me most days and I’m not very attracted to him. I still think he is a good guy. We look pretty good for our ages. The things that annoy me are little things that still drive me crazy but nothing to divorce over.

For me, never should have ever married to begin with. I just can no longer deny this to myself.

How long have you been married? How old were you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are 50. Special needs kids keep us together because we can’t handle them on our own.
I can’t stand him about 60 % of the time. He’s mean and probably doesn’t love me. Told me he’s loyal so that’s better than love (I guess that’s an admission he doesn’t love me).

He makes good money, leaves me alone most of the time and I can’t see myself divorcing.

My parents had a not so great marriage and my in laws divorced in their late 70’s.
I think both of us stopped looking for happiness a while ago. I don’t think it bothers him. For me, I feel sad every day I never found someone who really cared about me. I may dislike my husband but I do care about his well being. I sense it’s not something he thinks about for me. Or anyone.

I'm sorry for your pain but I want to tell you that loyalty to you and commitment to your children is a form of familial love. Your husband may take you for granted but perhaps that is what family is? The people you expect, rightly or wrongly, to go through all of life with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I don’t live in the same household which has stopped us from getting a divorce.

This is what I wanted to do but he got increasingly more out of control. I had to divorce so I wouldnt be caught in all the craziness with him. He basically lost his mind around 50. Now he can't even drive. He did have some slowness when we married but I didn't know that HFA could lead to addictions or even what it was.

[Anonymous]

Divorce doesn't have to be a bad thing. There are tons of books on the post-divorce renaissance a lot of women go through. The kind of marriages when they were not appreciated for everything they did for the family and put up with. I think if you're just looking for love to be fireworks, then yea, there would be ups and downs to weather. But if you were in a toxic relationship that increasingly went downhill, then get out. I did. My life has flourished since then. The only hard part is dealing with my ex and his dumb decisions. But I'm good at compartmentalizating and so happy I never have to share a bed with him again. FWIW he didn't cheat and probably would've stayed in the marriage forever - his parents have a terrible marriage and are still together, and my ex-MIL confided that she never would've married FIL if she knew how he'd turn out. I think of her often and imagine she's secretly knowing I made the right choice, because ex moved on to a much younger and lesser version of me.

[Anonymous]

I guess I’m in the minority but I’m in my late 40s, married 15 years, together for 26 years, 2 kids, and very happy. We have lots of stressors in our life but we love and respect each other and generally have good communication and conflict resolution skills. We also have lots of help (an au pair, cleaners, landscapers) so it helps us balance our lives so we have time for each other and personal interests.

I have two close friends that are either divorced or getting divorced. In one, the husband has mental health issues that are untreated and they should have divorced more than a decade ago. The other couple grew apart and had very different priorities and values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Social media and phones are what is ruining marriages in 2024.

Two main reasons here; On Line Dating (OLD) makes cheating or finding a new affair partner easier, plus the internet makes it super manageable to find a new job and get set up in a new city with someone “better” (or younger or at least different). What woman wants to stay with the same man for years? What woman wants a man who goes bald or get fat or ages?

But number two:

fake impressions of happy marriages on social media (especially EnvyBook, aka FaceBook) cause weak minded people (and also, sadly, mostly women), in normal marriages to think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence when they actually believe what they see on EnvyBook is real, day-to-day life, instead of the truth of it being a carefully-crafted illusion; a distortion; an ideal.

Social media is toxic. It can ruin mental health and destroy marriages.

+1 yes to both those reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The quality of my marriage is pretty much a direct function of how much personal free time we’re both getting to pursue our hobbies, rest or whatever we want. To me that means we’re in pretty good shape at the core.

I think a lot of people have friction because they are working/parenting too much. Which I get it, you have to do that sometimes to have the life you want. But I don’t think we spend enough time as young people thinking honestly about our personal capacity and how we should set up our lives. Often it’s two people going at 80% as single career adults and then they add a family which is a 50% increase and now they’re just strained all the time.

I think in our high achieving dcum culture, not having enough energy/capacity often feels like failure. So people just grind it out even if they don’t “have” to, economically. Or because they can’t or won’t prioritize.

I often see “date night” suggested but I actually think that’s a terrible idea if you’re already irritated all the time and you should do “solo nights” until you feel ready for date night. Solo nights are also easier because you can switch off the childcare.

I think a persons BAD HABITS really get exposed once they have children and the household suffers because of them and so does their parenting effectiveness.

Bad habits like being unorganized, not communicating well, being a slob, drinking too much whatever (alcohol, coffee, soda), temper tantrums, perfectionism, etc.

Living with someone like that and having to rely on them as a two person team raising a family and creating a home can get impossible if they don’t have good habits.

Are you Mormon? How’s drinking coffee making it impossible to raise a family and create a home with someone? Ditto for soda.

DP my adhd spouse self medicates with two pots of coffee every morning and then Diet Coke and espresso during the day.

Chemical addicts are chemical addicts.

That was my DH, and when he finally agreed to go to a doctor and get medication (he takes it 2x/day), he became easier to tolerate. He is way less twitchy and agitated now. Still ADHD, but instead of unconsciously chasing something to fix his dopamine imbalance in a way that shuts out any other priorities, he gets it upfront with his medication and that takes the edge off of our days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce doesn't have to be a bad thing. There are tons of books on the post-divorce renaissance a lot of women go through. The kind of marriages when they were not appreciated for everything they did for the family and put up with. I think if you're just looking for love to be fireworks, then yea, there would be ups and downs to weather. But if you were in a toxic relationship that increasingly went downhill, then get out. I did. My life has flourished since then. The only hard part is dealing with my ex and his dumb decisions. But I'm good at compartmentalizating and so happy I never have to share a bed with him again. FWIW he didn't cheat and probably would've stayed in the marriage forever - his parents have a terrible marriage and are still together, and my ex-MIL confided that she never would've married FIL if she knew how he'd turn out. I think of her often and imagine she's secretly knowing I made the right choice, because ex moved on to a much younger and lesser version of me.

What books would you recommend for women?

[Anonymous]

It's not just men that have midlife crisis. So many women in their 40s have affairs and behave in ways they never thought were possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in our late forties and it seems like there have been so many divorces and separations. The people who are married seem like they are unhappily married. The friends I am close enough to ALL have issues, going through counseling, can’t wait for kids to be out of the house so they can finally get divorced, etc.

What happened to happily ever after?

It is sad that my not so great marriage seems to be one of the better marriages. We have kids who are doing well, high income, good health. DH annoys me most days and I’m not very attracted to him. I still think he is a good guy. We look pretty good for our ages. The things that annoy me are little things that still drive me crazy but nothing to divorce over.

That was always literally a fairy tale line.

[Anonymous]

I know a bunch of divorces outside my friend circles. The one divorce happening within my friend circles - no one knows about and the reason for the divorce is pretty extreme (untreated mental illness with psychosis).

[Anonymous]

Yes, DH and I had serious marital issues. I even thought about divorce. But we managed to stay together. It makes a difference if two people stay committed as all marriages require work and maintenance.

I just had a surgery and am out of commission this weekend. DH took care of everything from kids to chores to looking after my needs. This is what marriage is about...partnership and support.