Do many/most people go through marital problems in their forties and fifties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife decided to have an affair on me after 20 years, not fun. Especially, given that I spoiled her our entire marriage—never had to work, luxury vacations, lots of domestic help.

Why did she say she did it?

[Anonymous]

Most of my friends this age are really beginning to enjoy the time with their spouses again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s trite, but as time goes on two people are likely to grow apart. Wanting different things during retirements, having big and small regrets, shifting values and priorities around kids, money, outside family/friends, house duties, etc etc. people get set in their ways and don’t respond well to the other. They forget about romance and caring that was there in the beginning before everything got busy and stressful. Years of small resentments pile up.

In bad relationships yes, but that’s due to actual underlying issues not being addressed, not “growing apart”. “Growing apart” is a cop out or some vague thing you tell strangers about why yours divorced

In a good relationship the constant trust, problem solving, and shared memories strengthen the relationship and companionship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The quality of my marriage is pretty much a direct function of how much personal free time we’re both getting to pursue our hobbies, rest or whatever we want. To me that means we’re in pretty good shape at the core.

I think a lot of people have friction because they are working/parenting too much. Which I get it, you have to do that sometimes to have the life you want. But I don’t think we spend enough time as young people thinking honestly about our personal capacity and how we should set up our lives. Often it’s two people going at 80% as single career adults and then they add a family which is a 50% increase and now they’re just strained all the time.

I think in our high achieving dcum culture, not having enough energy/capacity often feels like failure. So people just grind it out even if they don’t “have” to, economically. Or because they can’t or won’t prioritize.

I often see “date night” suggested but I actually think that’s a terrible idea if you’re already irritated all the time and you should do “solo nights” until you feel ready for date night. Solo nights are also easier because you can switch off the childcare.

I think a persons BAD HABITS really get exposed once they have children and the household suffers because of them and so does their parenting effectiveness.

Bad habits like being unorganized, not communicating well, being a slob, drinking too much whatever (alcohol, coffee, soda), temper tantrums, perfectionism, etc.

Living with someone like that and having to rely on them as a two person team raising a family and creating a home can get impossible if they don’t have good habits.

Are you Mormon? How’s drinking coffee making it impossible to raise a family and create a home with someone? Ditto for soda.

DP my adhd spouse self medicates with two pots of coffee every morning and then Diet Coke and espresso during the day.

Chemical addicts are chemical addicts.

[Anonymous]

I'm late 40s, married 17 years, and definitely not enjoying the marriage, but it goes on. I have a handful of friends who have divorced, but none of them are close friends.

In my kid's 6th grade class at a private school in a DC suburb, there are 60 students. NONE of them have divorced parents. Sometimes I find it astonishing, but for this socioeconomic cohort, it's the norm today. Highly educated UMC people rarely divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife decided to have an affair on me after 20 years, not fun. Especially, given that I spoiled her our entire marriage—never had to work, luxury vacations, lots of domestic help.

Awful. I have seen this a few times. Too much time on their hands as kids no longer need them as much in MS-HS, esp. if they have boys. They get bored. Spend all their time comparing their lives to other women's lives on social media and the neighborhood and then look for some action to either upgrade their social life/status or just to ease their feelings of worthlessness.

It's incredibly toxic for someone that was supported in the lap of luxury and never had to work to literally stab in the back the one that feeds them and puts a roof over their head.

Sorry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm late 40s, married 17 years, and definitely not enjoying the marriage, but it goes on. I have a handful of friends who have divorced, but none of them are close friends.

In my kid's 6th grade class at a private school in a DC suburb, there are 60 students. NONE of them have divorced parents. Sometimes I find it astonishing, but for this socioeconomic cohort, it's the norm today. Highly educated UMC people rarely divorce.

Stats support that^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm late 40s, married 17 years, and definitely not enjoying the marriage, but it goes on. I have a handful of friends who have divorced, but none of them are close friends.

In my kid's 6th grade class at a private school in a DC suburb, there are 60 students. NONE of them have divorced parents. Sometimes I find it astonishing, but for this socioeconomic cohort, it's the norm today. Highly educated UMC people rarely divorce.

UMC are highly educated and highly educated people are well aware of the huge statistical disadvantage that children of divorce have. They’re not in wedded bliss but they’re not willing to handicap their kids for an unknown potential benefit.

-child of divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s trite, but as time goes on two people are likely to grow apart. Wanting different things during retirements, having big and small regrets, shifting values and priorities around kids, money, outside family/friends, house duties, etc etc. people get set in their ways and don’t respond well to the other. They forget about romance and caring that was there in the beginning before everything got busy and stressful. Years of small resentments pile up.

In bad relationships yes, but that’s due to actual underlying issues not being addressed, not “growing apart”. “Growing apart” is a cop out or some vague thing you tell strangers about why yours divorced

In a good relationship the constant trust, problem solving, and shared memories strengthen the relationship and companionship.

+1 it’s a watered down excuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm late 40s, married 17 years, and definitely not enjoying the marriage, but it goes on. I have a handful of friends who have divorced, but none of them are close friends.

In my kid's 6th grade class at a private school in a DC suburb, there are 60 students. NONE of them have divorced parents. Sometimes I find it astonishing, but for this socioeconomic cohort, it's the norm today. Highly educated UMC people rarely divorce.

UMC are highly educated and highly educated people are well aware of the huge statistical disadvantage that children of divorce have. They’re not in wedded bliss but they’re not willing to handicap their kids for an unknown potential benefit.

-child of divorce

This. They thought it through and it’s not a great situation for k-12s

[Anonymous]

Social media and phones are what is ruining marriages in 2024.

Two main reasons here; On Line Dating (OLD) makes cheating or finding a new affair partner easier, plus the internet makes it super manageable to find a new job and get set up in a new city with someone “better” (or younger or at least different). What woman wants to stay with the same man for years? What woman wants a man who goes bald or get fat or ages?

But number two:

fake impressions of happy marriages on social media (especially EnvyBook, aka FaceBook) cause weak minded people (and also, sadly, mostly women), in normal marriages to think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence when they actually believe what they see on EnvyBook is real, day-to-day life, instead of the truth of it being a carefully-crafted illusion; a distortion; an ideal.

Social media is toxic. It can ruin mental health and destroy marriages.

[Anonymous]

DH and I don’t live in the same household which has stopped us from getting a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I don’t live in the same household which has stopped us from getting a divorce.

His therapist for his HFA highly recommends living separately as well.

[Anonymous]

I’m 45, one friend divorced, another one is on the brink. My best friend’s marriage has gone through a lot and they stuck together and I had a front seat view. My conclusion is that grit and determination is the only difference between couples who stay together and those who don’t.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are 50. Special needs kids keep us together because we can’t handle them on our own.
I can’t stand him about 60 % of the time. He’s mean and probably doesn’t love me. Told me he’s loyal so that’s better than love (I guess that’s an admission he doesn’t love me).

He makes good money, leaves me alone most of the time and I can’t see myself divorcing.

My parents had a not so great marriage and my in laws divorced in their late 70’s.
I think both of us stopped looking for happiness a while ago. I don’t think it bothers him. For me, I feel sad every day I never found someone who really cared about me. I may dislike my husband but I do care about his well being. I sense it’s not something he thinks about for me. Or anyone.