How do you drop the rope when you have SN kids?
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Anonymous
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I’m in a not great place with my marriage feeling like I do everything and absorb all the random things that come up with our kids and I just don’t know if I can keep it up. I constantly see advice to drop the drop on the relationship forum - just don’t do x thing and then your spouse will do it! People seem to imply that women are just picky about how and when things are done and it doesn’t really matter that much. But there have been enough times my husband has just not done something important, even if he said he would, that I just can’t trust him. I feel like virtually everything that takes any mental load is important around here! I am not trying to be mom of the year, just get my kids to be ok. I have mostly just done everything aside from the most basic things (or he might take a kid to an occasional appointment if I have it planned out in a way that works for him, which feels increasingly impossible to do) but we are in another panic phase after a big diagnosis for our younger kid and I’m so resentful how I’m dealing with everything alone again. He thinks he’s amazing for taking a kid to an occasional appointment. I don’t have the energy to fight right now but I can feel the resentment building.
What do you do? Just accept this is how it is? |
Anonymous
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I’ve gone weeks without cooking. It’s been a time saver and stress relief but it’s expensive to order all that take out or prepared food and not have it be junk.
Don’t assume your spouse will take over. I’ve done this when our lives have gotten too stressful, I’m too busy and I can’t hold it together. He didn’t take over. If anything, the family loved the takeout. Same with grocery shopping. I rarely ever go now. But I order on the app and have groceries delivered. I drop the rope on things for me, not to prove a point to someone else. Little things that don’t matter don’t happen. |
Anonymous
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That's right. You don't drop it assuming he will pick it up, you just drop it and it doesn't happen.
Really take a hard look at your schedule and obligations and cut, cut, cut. Anything that isn't delivering value for you and your family must go. |
Anonymous
| This is OP - so you just do everything? How do you deal with the resentment and stay married? He told me the other day he’s so proud that he’s an amazing husband and father and I just stood there stunned that his bar for himself is apparently on the floor. I have contemplated divorce in the past but won’t because of the kids. I have told him multiple times how unfair I find all of this and how lonely and I guess he thinks that’s fine? |
Anonymous
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I agree, cut anything unnecessary and outsource what you can.
The most important thing for my mental health, is deciding that I was not going to divorce my husband over the unequal workload and therefore resentment over it is counterproductive. It’s his complete inability to see the amount of mental work that goes into coordinating everything that drives me crazy. I acknowledge it to myself and then move on. In practice, sometimes my resentment bubbles out and I pick a fight, but that’s only like 3-4 times a year. When the kids were younger, I could feel us slipping into an affectionless marriage, and I didn’t want that. I try to set up regular appointments in the late afternoons early evenings where either of us can cover. And set up a routine where my husband is the default for some of them. Since he genuinely thinks that he does an equal share of the parenting, I gently point out that having me cover 80% of appointments is not fair, and he’ll step up. I keep every appointment on my calendar, even if he says that he’s going to cover it. If I absolutely need him to cover something, I remind him relentlessly. We have a shared electronic calendar I put everything into it. Finally, I have totally mommy-tracked my job. I’m lucky that I can flex around appointments were needed. I have also been here long enough that I have leave to burn when I don’t have the energy to flex my time. |
Anonymous
I’m sorry OP. I just want to validate how lonely and sad it can feel when this happens. It’s almost like being abandoned. I suggest counseling for you two so you can clearly set this out in a way that he hears, and you can come up with a plan for him to relieve the stress on you. |
Anonymous
He gets this message outside the home - the bar IS low for men to be "good fathers" - they have to not leave and they win. If I was you I would have started crying when he said that and explained that I'm drowning. And, I did drop the rope with my SN kid. I'm not married to his dad, but my son moved to live with his dad who doesn't believe he has SN. I couldn't handle the co-parenting conflict anymore because it was seriously affecting my mental health (and on the advice of my therapist, took care of me by letting my child go). My child receives some of the required treatments, but not all, and he is unlikely to ever live fully independently, even though he could with the right supports. I may regret allowing the change sometime in the future, but I don't right now. I couldn't do it anymore, it was going to kill me. |
Anonymous
PP back. Get therapy for you. I know its one more thing to add to the list, but it's a helpful space to let out that resentment. |
Anonymous
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You may need to think about what your priorities are here. Do you want acknowledgment of the work you do, or do you need to do less work? Or something else?
Until our child's diagnosis, I definitely had the 'big career' in our family. We earned about the same amount, but I was in the high-prestige job that had required us to move to DC in the first place, required regular travel, etc. My husband is in a well-compensated industry, but had prioritized work-life balance over chasing fancy jobs. We'd definitely prioritized my career in our family choices. Now, several years after diagnosis, I am in the same job, but have leaned way out. I won't get fired, but I'm not going to get promoted anytime soon either. I've scaled my career ambitions way, way down. Meanwhile, my husband did a job search and increased his comp by 50%. We've used that money to hire a full time nanny who also functions as a house manager while my kid is in school. This means that, even though I'm definitely doing more of the household & childcare stuff (for example, I am the one who attends all the medical appointments), it's manageable because I can delegate a fair amount of stuff to our nanny (for example, she takes our kid to therapy appointments that don't require parental involvement). Frankly, this is not the life that either of us would have picked. If it worked financial, we'd both have preferred for my husband to scale back instead. But given our career paths, I was never going to earn enough money to be able to afford the help we need. Anyway, this is a long way of saying that I think you just have to be very pragmatic about what options are available to you, and what your priorities are. If it's acknowledgment, then maybe couples counseling could help. If you need help, then you may need to let the acknowledgment go and focus on pragmatic steps to lessen the workload, which may not look like your husband actually stepping up. |
Anonymous
What do you mean by everything? Coordinating school, medical appointments and therapy while I’m working. Yes. And like you, my husband occasionally takes our SN or NT kid to an appointment but it’s rare. I had lots of resentment for years and then we had a few major situations in the teen years that threw us into crisis mode. I kind of realized how I want to be the one with the primary control on all of this. While I want him helping more, it’s really hard when you aren’t at something, you don’t know what’s going on and you are trying to give an update to determine if hospitalization is needed. So you do what you can, you let a lot slide, outsource everything you can afford and realize some things can be let go and life will be okay. |
Anonymous
| 10:04. And a very important thing, I’ve been at the same job for about twenty years but now have less responsibility. I no longer a supervisor and work is not my priority. I recognize we both work full time but DH works more hours and makes a lot more than me, which affords my outsourcing and all that we pay for our kids. |
Anonymous
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I think you need to accept your DH as he is. Yes, it sucks and it's unfair. But if you want to stay married, this is how it is. It's okay to do less therapy, really, it's not worth it if you burn out or end up divorced-- that's worse for you and for the kid most likely.
It sounds like your DH is in denial of his parenting and also of the depth of his kids' needs. I would suggest you try to force it onto his radar just by making it all more visible to him. Make a calendar so that he can see all that you do-- color-code to make it really obvious-- and try to make sure he's present at the things that will force him to confront reality. The more you vent and fret to your DH, the more he will tune you out. Choose your words carefully and don't talk at length. Say what you want to say very succinctly and then give a long awkward pause while he thinks about what to say in return. If your DH does confront reality about his kids and his own parenting, he may go through a grieving or self-blaming process that can lead to a lot of anger and depression. Beware. |
Anonymous
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Because one spouse usually has the same diagnosis, OP. I've been dealing with an ADHD/ASD husband and son for years. This is why many special needs families have it way, way tougher than neurotypical ones. The parents have handed down the traits, so it's not surprising everyone has a hard time. |
Anonymous
| DP. I know many dads of SN kids like yours (and their very resentful wives), unfortunately. My advice to you is to take really good care of yourself and find a way to increase your income even if it means cutting back on activities and interventions for your kids. These guys only become more selfish and checked out as they get older. You will need to hire help and that takes money. |
Anonymous
| I don't know what city you live in but I go to an excellent therapist (MFT). She had two SN sons to raise as a single mom. She gets it and I find myself feeling calmer, more optimistic and less alone after seeing her. Ask around your SN community to see if anyone has a therapist they would recommend for yourself. She also does couples counseling. |