How do you drop the rope when you have SN kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may need to think about what your priorities are here. Do you want acknowledgment of the work you do, or do you need to do less work? Or something else?

Until our child's diagnosis, I definitely had the 'big career' in our family. We earned about the same amount, but I was in the high-prestige job that had required us to move to DC in the first place, required regular travel, etc. My husband is in a well-compensated industry, but had prioritized work-life balance over chasing fancy jobs. We'd definitely prioritized my career in our family choices.

Now, several years after diagnosis, I am in the same job, but have leaned way out. I won't get fired, but I'm not going to get promoted anytime soon either. I've scaled my career ambitions way, way down. Meanwhile, my husband did a job search and increased his comp by 50%. We've used that money to hire a full time nanny who also functions as a house manager while my kid is in school. This means that, even though I'm definitely doing more of the household & childcare stuff (for example, I am the one who attends all the medical appointments), it's manageable because I can delegate a fair amount of stuff to our nanny (for example, she takes our kid to therapy appointments that don't require parental involvement).

Frankly, this is not the life that either of us would have picked. If it worked financial, we'd both have preferred for my husband to scale back instead. But given our career paths, I was never going to earn enough money to be able to afford the help we need.

Anyway, this is a long way of saying that I think you just have to be very pragmatic about what options are available to you, and what your priorities are. If it's acknowledgment, then maybe couples counseling could help. If you need help, then you may need to let the acknowledgment go and focus on pragmatic steps to lessen the workload, which may not look like your husband actually stepping up.

OP, I think this is well written. I have mommy-tracked (even have gone through two periods of being a stay at home mom--we make less $ than PP). My SN kid is an older teen now and looking back it was definitely easier to stay married than to divorce. We never did couples therapy, but, if you are feeling resentful, a therapist could certainly help you untangle what you are resentful about. I would do therapy alone before doing it together. I personally dropped the rope on anything having to do with my husband's family (Christmas cards, gifts, milestone acknowledgment, etc.). I also don't do my husband's laundry, make medical appointments for him, deal with car maintenance, etc. If it is his thing, I do NOTHING. As our kids have gotten older my husband has also naturally taken on more parenting responsibilities with activities and appointments. I try hard to focus on what he does do rather than what he doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - some of these replies have been really thoughtful and thought provoking. The counseling out period was one of the worst of my experiences as a parent- we didn’t have a firm diagnosis yet and it was just shocking and heartbreaking and we didn’t have a good alternative at the time. I was desperate to buy some time to figure out what to do and my kid’s self esteem was in the gutter. We’ve changed so many things since then and now DC is at a school that is a better fit and we aren’t in crisis at the moment. But it is hard to shake off the panic and the feeling that I would do almost anything to not end up in that position again. My husband was a lot more sympathetic during that crisis time to be fair to him- it was really obvious how much that child was struggling and we were actually very aligned on surviving and getting our kid help. Now it feels like he wants to pretend everything’s fine and I’m still terrified. So yes everyone who said I sound anxious is completely right. I’ve tried not to let my anxiety hold my kid back and have really tried to be ok putting them in situations where there’s more of a stretch than I would like for my own anxiety. The food and the clothes seem like so little though, I honestly didn’t think it was problematic even if it’s not 100 percent necessary at this moment. Maybe I need to try a bit harder to reassess some things. I do talk to a therapist and it’s not a great fit but it’s helpful. My NT kid has some medical things going on and I feel myself slipping into the feelings of panic again and I’m sure that’s playing into my feelings that I just can’t handle anything more going wrong and I’d rather do some extra work if it prevents a call from the school.

Anyway sincere thanks to all of you who offered your opinion, even if it was negative. I am going to try to think some of this through and have a conversation with my husband when we are not already upset sometime.

The bolded really jump out at me. I struggle with anxiety too and have been on meds for years which has helped significantly. I would also reommend looking for a new therapist for you - fit is really key there. Ask your current therapist for recommendations - be honest with them that you need a different approach/fit and they should be happy to help you find that.

The panic over things potentially going wrong is very understandable to me, because my child was in a slow moving crisis for a long time, and we couldn't get a diagnosis or even a provider to believe that something was amiss other than bad parenting. It's so hard, and especially if you're worried school is going to counsel you out without an alternative.

I would also suggest couples counseling, it could provide you with a space to discuss these things with your husband in a more productive way so that you get back to a place where you are on the same page.