How do you drop the rope when you have SN kids?

[Anonymous]

Stuff I have given up:

- by third grade, I do NOTHING at school. No field trips, sending in carrot sticks for parties, staffing a dumb party etc. Only thing I go for is if he’s presenting something.

- we have a housecleaner every two weeks. Other than bare minimum wiping the counters in the kitchen every few days, neither of us do any cleaning between visits. I do tidy daily though (I don’t like stuff around the house).

- we only had one kid.

- I have never done anything that’s in my husbands bucket (cards for family, etc) even before we have kids I had no interest in being his mom.

I work 50+ hours a week in a fairly prestigious and demanding job, and I like to be the one who oversees DS. I want to coordinate therapy, do pick up and drop off every day etc. So I voluntarily do a lot more than DH. But he handles most grocery shopping and cooking (both of which he loves to do - sometimes I wish he’d be more keep-it-simple-stupid about it), we split laundry, he handles bill pay and monitoring our retirement planning. He handles the occasional appt when I have a conflict. But I have always been a minimalist on therapies, and even with my job, I feel this is all manageable for me to handle the bulk of (albeit very busy).

Next year (sixth grade) we’ve decided to hire a teenager from his school to handle after school - who will spend thirty mins a day overseeing his homework (his school has bonkers quantities of homework - I found it very stressful to oversee it all, even if it wasn’t hard work), and take him to some weekday extracurriculars. Because that’s actually one thing we’ve dropped that I don’t think is fair to DS- because dh and I both work so much, and ds is indifferent to doing after school stuff, we haven’t pushed it. Other than some low key at-school stuff like chess club. But I think he’s missing out on opportunities because of it, and has pretty low resilience for inconvenience, so I’m going to outsource for someone else to do it. Otherwise, me and his dad will cut too many corners (between homework and extracurricular). Like another poster, we live in the south, and there seem to be lots of HS students happy to get these well paying gigs for two hours a night.

[Anonymous]

I’m the OP of this thread and I really appreciate everyone who has shared their experience. I am chewing over the feedback and considering trying to get more help with cleaning and maybe laundry. I’m very tired and having trouble exerting the energy to make it happen but I know it’s an investment. Thanks to those who pushed in that direction.

We had an argument about this not long after my OP. I think the most painful part of so much of the specific struggles we have feel to me like my husband is not accepting of our DCs actual experience and thinks things I do to help are unnecessary and I’m controlling. There are probably things I do that are unnecessary. But at different points in time one child was going through school refusal and the other was in the process of being counseled out of school for behavior. I feel like anything that sets them up for success at school is worth doing. Like lunch - I pack lunch because my SN kid is picky and if you pack lunch that’s not acceptable they won’t eat and there will be a meltdown in the afternoon. My husband would pack lunches fine 90 percent of the time but then he’d decide something was actually close enough and well it wasn’t. I’m not willing to let that happen even once or twice a year so now I pack lunches. They get eaten and it’s fine. I don’t complain about it. But every time my husband wants to make a point that I’m controlling, he brings up that I don’t let him pack lunches. This is apparently keeps him from doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen or doing any other household tasks that I never ever ever would have any interest in critiquing him on. The other sticking point is clothing. DC has a lot of sensory issues and clothing is tricky. I buy all clothing, do all laundry and in theory maintain the dressers by taking out clothing that doesn’t fit anymore. Well occasionally i don’t realize something doesn’t fit well anymore and I can see DC pulling on on a shirt that now rubs or I remember that this is a shirt DC loved the IDEA of and is very attached to because of the way it looks but couldn’t actually stand wearing for long. In that case I will change DC into a different outfit if it’s a long out of the house day (school or camp). If we are going to be home I let it play out and they will ask for a different shirt in an hour or so on their own.My husband finds this insanely frustrating and feels both that DC should be fine in all these clothes and 2) that there should never be a shirt in the drawer that they can’t wear all day long. To some extent I understand how this is frustrating but I also just can’t bring myself to let my kid go to school uncomfortable because their dad feels emasculated by me changing their clothes. I never ever change based on how anything looks, and I think I’ve done this literally once with our NT kid when their pants had gotten stretched out and were literally falling off. It’s just the sensory piece that’s so hard for one kid.

I try to get the kids dressed myself to avoid this but apparently that is also controlling. Not that I have ever said don’t get them dressed just that I try to have a plan for the SN one. He feels I don’t trust him and I guess I don’t. So maybe we are just screwed.

I feel like I really try to bite my tongue. He never smooths down their hair or brushes it so sometimes they go out the door looking totally unkempt. I don’t say anything. If one of them starts to care I will help them more I guess.


I guess I don’t get it. He has things he handles because he doesn’t like how I do it, especially car stuff. I don’t care. Less work for me. I will own up that these are things that clearly matter to me more. I don’t know why it’s offensive. I’m just sad and tired today and wondering if anyone can relate.

[Anonymous]

OP I am in the very same boat. I was an OP of a post about how I do all the family admin stuff and people kept telling me to drop the rope - but our SN kid is the main reason I just can't. I don't really have a solution. Right now, I feel like my options are doing everything and resent him a little bit but be married or do everything and be divorced but not be able to afford my life and scar our kids. Choosing A for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Because one spouse usually has the same diagnosis, OP.

I've been dealing with an ADHD/ASD husband and son for years.

This is why many special needs families have it way, way tougher than neurotypical ones. The parents have handed down the traits, so it's not surprising everyone has a hard time.

I'm so sick of this ignorant comment. I have a special needs kid. None of our friends who have kids with autism have an autistic parent. Often parents will check out because of difficulty accepting/dealing with the issues that will never go away.

Take this stupid comment and stuff it.

[Anonymous]

OP, based on your last long comment, I get where your heart is, but yeah, you need to drop that kind of stuff. Especially if you're both working, and you feel spent and exhausted, and you're mad that DH doesn't do more. And I don't see how the clothes and lunch directly relate to behaviors at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, based on your last long comment, I get where your heart is, but yeah, you need to drop that kind of stuff. Especially if you're both working, and you feel spent and exhausted, and you're mad that DH doesn't do more. And I don't see how the clothes and lunch directly relate to behaviors at school.

I am guessing you don’t have a child with SN? When DC has a seam that rubs on the chest or shoulders they fixate on it all day long getting more and more frustrated. Eventually something else sets them off and they lose it or demand to take off the clothing right in the middle of school and can’t move on until they do. This has happened, although it was a couple years ago.

If they don’t eat lunch they get hangry. Last time my child hit another kid over nothing in last period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - so you just do everything? How do you deal with the resentment and stay married? He told me the other day he’s so proud that he’s an amazing husband and father and I just stood there stunned that his bar for himself is apparently on the floor. I have contemplated divorce in the past but won’t because of the kids. I have told him multiple times how unfair I find all of this and how lonely and I guess he thinks that’s fine?

Why are you guessing? What does he say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - so you just do everything? How do you deal with the resentment and stay married? He told me the other day he’s so proud that he’s an amazing husband and father and I just stood there stunned that his bar for himself is apparently on the floor. I have contemplated divorce in the past but won’t because of the kids. I have told him multiple times how unfair I find all of this and how lonely and I guess he thinks that’s fine?

I'm sorry OP. I don't know what to tell you but this is exactly what led to my divorce. He was constantly not doing even simple small things whereas I was constantly juggling a list of 1000 important things that had to get done and killing myself. On the few occasions he took our child to do something which like you was only because it was convenient or a desirably activity and because I reminded him repeatedly and packed everything and made the appointment and gave him directions he acted like he was father of the year. In all honesty things are much easier now without him because there's no resentment or conflict over his lack of effort, ability or interest in being a parent and DC is old enough to recognize what a failure their father has been.

[Anonymous]

I take it back. You are not like me at all. You do sound really controlling. I hadn't seen your post about the shirts and the lunches and then the unkempt hair?

I was talking about basic things like taking out the garbage or unloading the dishwasher or taking DD to the dentist.

Your DH may be lazy and selfish but you should know your demands are excessive. I get how with a child with special needs you want to control the environment to prevent meltdowns but what you describe is really a lot and I can see how your DH would check out when you're really rigid about doing things your way.

[Anonymous]

I’ve posted several times in here. I do a lot of outsourcing. But honestly, your latest post suggests that some of this is a “you” issue. I agree with your husband that you should get everything out of your kid’s wardrobe that could create a problem. And I cannot imagine not letting my husband pack lunch due to 1 or 2 mistakes that cause meltdowns over the course of a year. I also think from some of your earlier posts that you are much more uptight about laundry than you think.

I 100% believe that your husband isn’t doing enough. But I also think you are self sabotaging — likely due to your own anxiety. At some point, you have to let other people do things even if they don’t do them perfectly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, based on your last long comment, I get where your heart is, but yeah, you need to drop that kind of stuff. Especially if you're both working, and you feel spent and exhausted, and you're mad that DH doesn't do more. And I don't see how the clothes and lunch directly relate to behaviors at school.

I am guessing you don’t have a child with SN? When DC has a seam that rubs on the chest or shoulders they fixate on it all day long getting more and more frustrated. Eventually something else sets them off and they lose it or demand to take off the clothing right in the middle of school and can’t move on until they do. This has happened, although it was a couple years ago.

If they don’t eat lunch they get hangry. Last time my child hit another kid over nothing in last period.

I do have a kid with SN. I think OPs level of control here sounds over the top, and in our household if one parent were acting that way, it would probably be a big source of stress in our marriage. As OP describes it, those are definitely things that should be dropped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I take it back. You are not like me at all. You do sound really controlling. I hadn't seen your post about the shirts and the lunches and then the unkempt hair?

I was talking about basic things like taking out the garbage or unloading the dishwasher or taking DD to the dentist.

Your DH may be lazy and selfish but you should know your demands are excessive. I get how with a child with special needs you want to control the environment to prevent meltdowns but what you describe is really a lot and I can see how your DH would check out when you're really rigid about doing things your way.

Really? Because I change my kids my kids clothes a few times a year? My husband told me the other day I had dressed the kids too warmly and I just checked the forecast and agreed he was right and grabbed other shorts. I really don’t understand how this is different.

He doesn’t do the things you mentioned either but this bothers me more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I take it back. You are not like me at all. You do sound really controlling. I hadn't seen your post about the shirts and the lunches and then the unkempt hair?

I was talking about basic things like taking out the garbage or unloading the dishwasher or taking DD to the dentist.

Your DH may be lazy and selfish but you should know your demands are excessive. I get how with a child with special needs you want to control the environment to prevent meltdowns but what you describe is really a lot and I can see how your DH would check out when you're really rigid about doing things your way.

I get the feeling that her DH doesn’t do the basics like taking out the garbage or the dentist either. And things like crazy hair does matter - our kids struggle socially enough; they don’t also have to be the kids with messy hair.

OTOH it DOES sound like OP has some anxiety about avoiding any possible meltdown. Lunches made acceptably most of the time is OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take it back. You are not like me at all. You do sound really controlling. I hadn't seen your post about the shirts and the lunches and then the unkempt hair?

I was talking about basic things like taking out the garbage or unloading the dishwasher or taking DD to the dentist.

Your DH may be lazy and selfish but you should know your demands are excessive. I get how with a child with special needs you want to control the environment to prevent meltdowns but what you describe is really a lot and I can see how your DH would check out when you're really rigid about doing things your way.

I get the feeling that her DH doesn’t do the basics like taking out the garbage or the dentist either. And things like crazy hair does matter - our kids struggle socially enough; they don’t also have to be the kids with messy hair.

OTOH it DOES sound like OP has some anxiety about avoiding any possible meltdown. Lunches made acceptably most of the time is OK.

I said I let the unkempt hair go. I let all crazy outfits go as long as they are comfortable. At some point I feel worried it might be a problem but it isn’t yet.

I am genuinely interested to hear you guys are fine with your husbands deciding that your kids should be fine with a no preferred food and packing that as their lunch even if it means they won’t eat it. Food is a huge constant struggle for us. If I’m not around and he feeds them little bites for lunch I don’t say anything. I just expect him to respect their food preferences at lunch when school lunch is really stressful for this kid. This to me is such an easy, bare minimum thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take it back. You are not like me at all. You do sound really controlling. I hadn't seen your post about the shirts and the lunches and then the unkempt hair?

I was talking about basic things like taking out the garbage or unloading the dishwasher or taking DD to the dentist.

Your DH may be lazy and selfish but you should know your demands are excessive. I get how with a child with special needs you want to control the environment to prevent meltdowns but what you describe is really a lot and I can see how your DH would check out when you're really rigid about doing things your way.

I get the feeling that her DH doesn’t do the basics like taking out the garbage or the dentist either. And things like crazy hair does matter - our kids struggle socially enough; they don’t also have to be the kids with messy hair.

OTOH it DOES sound like OP has some anxiety about avoiding any possible meltdown. Lunches made acceptably most of the time is OK.

I said I let the unkempt hair go. I let all crazy outfits go as long as they are comfortable. At some point I feel worried it might be a problem but it isn’t yet.

I am genuinely interested to hear you guys are fine with your husbands deciding that your kids should be fine with a no preferred food and packing that as their lunch even if it means they won’t eat it. Food is a huge constant struggle for us. If I’m not around and he feeds them little bites for lunch I don’t say anything. I just expect him to respect their food preferences at lunch when school lunch is really stressful for this kid. This to me is such an easy, bare minimum thing.

well here’s the thing about dropping the rope: it means you can’t control everything. you can either make lunch every single day, or accept that one or two days a year, lunch may be imperfect. you may also find your DS can handle it.