How do you drop the rope when you have SN kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take it back. You are not like me at all. You do sound really controlling. I hadn't seen your post about the shirts and the lunches and then the unkempt hair?

I was talking about basic things like taking out the garbage or unloading the dishwasher or taking DD to the dentist.

Your DH may be lazy and selfish but you should know your demands are excessive. I get how with a child with special needs you want to control the environment to prevent meltdowns but what you describe is really a lot and I can see how your DH would check out when you're really rigid about doing things your way.

I get the feeling that her DH doesn’t do the basics like taking out the garbage or the dentist either. And things like crazy hair does matter - our kids struggle socially enough; they don’t also have to be the kids with messy hair.

OTOH it DOES sound like OP has some anxiety about avoiding any possible meltdown. Lunches made acceptably most of the time is OK.

I said I let the unkempt hair go. I let all crazy outfits go as long as they are comfortable. At some point I feel worried it might be a problem but it isn’t yet.

I am genuinely interested to hear you guys are fine with your husbands deciding that your kids should be fine with a no preferred food and packing that as their lunch even if it means they won’t eat it. Food is a huge constant struggle for us. If I’m not around and he feeds them little bites for lunch I don’t say anything. I just expect him to respect their food preferences at lunch when school lunch is really stressful for this kid. This to me is such an easy, bare minimum thing.

well here’s the thing about dropping the rope: it means you can’t control everything. you can either make lunch every single day, or accept that one or two days a year, lunch may be imperfect. you may also find your DS can handle it.

I do make lunch every day. Apparently that’s offensive and gets him off the hook for all other household chores aside from the ones he’s decided I’m too incompetent to do (cars and a small number of financial things). Because it indicates I’m so incredibly controlling he can’t do anything right ever. It sounds like you guys agree with him. I guess that’s food for thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take it back. You are not like me at all. You do sound really controlling. I hadn't seen your post about the shirts and the lunches and then the unkempt hair?

I was talking about basic things like taking out the garbage or unloading the dishwasher or taking DD to the dentist.

Your DH may be lazy and selfish but you should know your demands are excessive. I get how with a child with special needs you want to control the environment to prevent meltdowns but what you describe is really a lot and I can see how your DH would check out when you're really rigid about doing things your way.

I get the feeling that her DH doesn’t do the basics like taking out the garbage or the dentist either. And things like crazy hair does matter - our kids struggle socially enough; they don’t also have to be the kids with messy hair.

OTOH it DOES sound like OP has some anxiety about avoiding any possible meltdown. Lunches made acceptably most of the time is OK.

I said I let the unkempt hair go. I let all crazy outfits go as long as they are comfortable. At some point I feel worried it might be a problem but it isn’t yet.

I am genuinely interested to hear you guys are fine with your husbands deciding that your kids should be fine with a no preferred food and packing that as their lunch even if it means they won’t eat it. Food is a huge constant struggle for us. If I’m not around and he feeds them little bites for lunch I don’t say anything. I just expect him to respect their food preferences at lunch when school lunch is really stressful for this kid. This to me is such an easy, bare minimum thing.

well here’s the thing about dropping the rope: it means you can’t control everything. you can either make lunch every single day, or accept that one or two days a year, lunch may be imperfect. you may also find your DS can handle it.

I do make lunch every day. Apparently that’s offensive and gets him off the hook for all other household chores aside from the ones he’s decided I’m too incompetent to do (cars and a small number of financial things). Because it indicates I’m so incredibly controlling he can’t do anything right ever. It sounds like you guys agree with him. I guess that’s food for thought.

No, I don’t agree with him about everything. I do agree about lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take it back. You are not like me at all. You do sound really controlling. I hadn't seen your post about the shirts and the lunches and then the unkempt hair?

I was talking about basic things like taking out the garbage or unloading the dishwasher or taking DD to the dentist.

Your DH may be lazy and selfish but you should know your demands are excessive. I get how with a child with special needs you want to control the environment to prevent meltdowns but what you describe is really a lot and I can see how your DH would check out when you're really rigid about doing things your way.

I get the feeling that her DH doesn’t do the basics like taking out the garbage or the dentist either. And things like crazy hair does matter - our kids struggle socially enough; they don’t also have to be the kids with messy hair.

OTOH it DOES sound like OP has some anxiety about avoiding any possible meltdown. Lunches made acceptably most of the time is OK.

I said I let the unkempt hair go. I let all crazy outfits go as long as they are comfortable. At some point I feel worried it might be a problem but it isn’t yet.

I am genuinely interested to hear you guys are fine with your husbands deciding that your kids should be fine with a no preferred food and packing that as their lunch even if it means they won’t eat it. Food is a huge constant struggle for us. If I’m not around and he feeds them little bites for lunch I don’t say anything. I just expect him to respect their food preferences at lunch when school lunch is really stressful for this kid. This to me is such an easy, bare minimum thing.

well here’s the thing about dropping the rope: it means you can’t control everything. you can either make lunch every single day, or accept that one or two days a year, lunch may be imperfect. you may also find your DS can handle it.

Exactly. Or you and your husband agree that there is one thing that literally always goes in the lunch box. And if your hsuband messes this up two days a year, you don’t freak out about it.

Stuff happens. My kid had brain cancer and in the heat of the moment one day after chemo, my husband gave her our SN kid’s medicine instead of zofran — which meant she got 10 times the dose of the wrong medicine. It was a pretty big deal that involved calling poison control, calling 911, going to the ER and spending the night, etc. It doesn’t mean he quit handling meds for the rest of our lives. He made a mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take it back. You are not like me at all. You do sound really controlling. I hadn't seen your post about the shirts and the lunches and then the unkempt hair?

I was talking about basic things like taking out the garbage or unloading the dishwasher or taking DD to the dentist.

Your DH may be lazy and selfish but you should know your demands are excessive. I get how with a child with special needs you want to control the environment to prevent meltdowns but what you describe is really a lot and I can see how your DH would check out when you're really rigid about doing things your way.

I get the feeling that her DH doesn’t do the basics like taking out the garbage or the dentist either. And things like crazy hair does matter - our kids struggle socially enough; they don’t also have to be the kids with messy hair.

OTOH it DOES sound like OP has some anxiety about avoiding any possible meltdown. Lunches made acceptably most of the time is OK.

I said I let the unkempt hair go. I let all crazy outfits go as long as they are comfortable. At some point I feel worried it might be a problem but it isn’t yet.

I am genuinely interested to hear you guys are fine with your husbands deciding that your kids should be fine with a no preferred food and packing that as their lunch even if it means they won’t eat it. Food is a huge constant struggle for us. If I’m not around and he feeds them little bites for lunch I don’t say anything. I just expect him to respect their food preferences at lunch when school lunch is really stressful for this kid. This to me is such an easy, bare minimum thing.

well here’s the thing about dropping the rope: it means you can’t control everything. you can either make lunch every single day, or accept that one or two days a year, lunch may be imperfect. you may also find your DS can handle it.

I do make lunch every day. Apparently that’s offensive and gets him off the hook for all other household chores aside from the ones he’s decided I’m too incompetent to do (cars and a small number of financial things). Because it indicates I’m so incredibly controlling he can’t do anything right ever. It sounds like you guys agree with him. I guess that’s food for thought.

I think there is something to be said for realizing that when you criticize the little things, people stop helping. I said before that I 100% believe your husband doesn’t do enough, but I think you are contributing to the dynamic. You should like you are anxious and try to control quite a bit. That doesn’t lead to a “team” feeling. And listen, I can be like you and want my husband to do things exactly my way. I’ve improved a lot over the years at letting stuff go. The reality is if I die tomorrow, my husband and kids will figure it out and be just fine. It won’t look exactly how I want it to look, but they will be fine:

[Anonymous]

I think OP is anxious, because having a kid who is at risk of being counseled out of school will do that to a person. And OP is trying very, very hard to maintain her child's school placement by setting the child up for success with lunches and clothing. Yes, it seems like a hassle and controlling and neurotic, sure-- but it's nothing compared to the hassle of being counseled out, having to find a new school, and having the kids in separate schools from each other. So, team OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is anxious, because having a kid who is at risk of being counseled out of school will do that to a person. And OP is trying very, very hard to maintain her child's school placement by setting the child up for success with lunches and clothing. Yes, it seems like a hassle and controlling and neurotic, sure-- but it's nothing compared to the hassle of being counseled out, having to find a new school, and having the kids in separate schools from each other. So, team OP.

I get that, but I also think once you are down the path to being counseled out — it is time to pivot. The school isn’t the right fit. And at some point, the parent cannot let anxiety drive everything they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is anxious, because having a kid who is at risk of being counseled out of school will do that to a person. And OP is trying very, very hard to maintain her child's school placement by setting the child up for success with lunches and clothing. Yes, it seems like a hassle and controlling and neurotic, sure-- but it's nothing compared to the hassle of being counseled out, having to find a new school, and having the kids in separate schools from each other. So, team OP.

Yeah, I agree. OP isn't freaking out over a potential tantrum because her kid will experience a feeling of upset. It's the cascade of other potential consequences, some that are big, and probably none of which will be dealt with by a DH doesn't take the time to remember the blue shirt and the grape jelly, ya know?

OP, I wouldn't have done this if we didn't already have substantial investments in both our names, but I left my job. I was like "I can't keep doing everything and working, and yet you still aren't stepping up enough. If we can't figure this out I'm quitting." He told me he was "embarrassed" I would be "stay at home" but I was like "well, since it's because of you I guess you should be" and that was it. Our marriage isn't great but it is peaceful now, and I still hand off specific tasks to him (like dishes, his laundry, car stuff, etc.). I do all of the SN stuff, and most of the stuff for our NT kid, too. It is not the life I wanted, but it's good for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is anxious, because having a kid who is at risk of being counseled out of school will do that to a person. And OP is trying very, very hard to maintain her child's school placement by setting the child up for success with lunches and clothing. Yes, it seems like a hassle and controlling and neurotic, sure-- but it's nothing compared to the hassle of being counseled out, having to find a new school, and having the kids in separate schools from each other. So, team OP.

I get that, but I also think once you are down the path to being counseled out — it is time to pivot. The school isn’t the right fit. And at some point, the parent cannot let anxiety drive everything they do.

DP. Well, some of us have no where to pivot to. Where I live the public schools suck and there are only a handful of private schools, none of which would work for my kid. I did the dance as long as I could and then the final pivot was homeschooling. That means I can't work. Not everyone can go there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is anxious, because having a kid who is at risk of being counseled out of school will do that to a person. And OP is trying very, very hard to maintain her child's school placement by setting the child up for success with lunches and clothing. Yes, it seems like a hassle and controlling and neurotic, sure-- but it's nothing compared to the hassle of being counseled out, having to find a new school, and having the kids in separate schools from each other. So, team OP.

that makes sense

[Anonymous]

This is OP - some of these replies have been really thoughtful and thought provoking. The counseling out period was one of the worst of my experiences as a parent- we didn’t have a firm diagnosis yet and it was just shocking and heartbreaking and we didn’t have a good alternative at the time. I was desperate to buy some time to figure out what to do and my kid’s self esteem was in the gutter. We’ve changed so many things since then and now DC is at a school that is a better fit and we aren’t in crisis at the moment. But it is hard to shake off the panic and the feeling that I would do almost anything to not end up in that position again. My husband was a lot more sympathetic during that crisis time to be fair to him- it was really obvious how much that child was struggling and we were actually very aligned on surviving and getting our kid help. Now it feels like he wants to pretend everything’s fine and I’m still terrified. So yes everyone who said I sound anxious is completely right. I’ve tried not to let my anxiety hold my kid back and have really tried to be ok putting them in situations where there’s more of a stretch than I would like for my own anxiety. The food and the clothes seem like so little though, I honestly didn’t think it was problematic even if it’s not 100 percent necessary at this moment. Maybe I need to try a bit harder to reassess some things. I do talk to a therapist and it’s not a great fit but it’s helpful. My NT kid has some medical things going on and I feel myself slipping into the feelings of panic again and I’m sure that’s playing into my feelings that I just can’t handle anything more going wrong and I’d rather do some extra work if it prevents a call from the school.

Anyway sincere thanks to all of you who offered your opinion, even if it was negative. I am going to try to think some of this through and have a conversation with my husband when we are not already upset sometime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - some of these replies have been really thoughtful and thought provoking. The counseling out period was one of the worst of my experiences as a parent- we didn’t have a firm diagnosis yet and it was just shocking and heartbreaking and we didn’t have a good alternative at the time. I was desperate to buy some time to figure out what to do and my kid’s self esteem was in the gutter. We’ve changed so many things since then and now DC is at a school that is a better fit and we aren’t in crisis at the moment. But it is hard to shake off the panic and the feeling that I would do almost anything to not end up in that position again. My husband was a lot more sympathetic during that crisis time to be fair to him- it was really obvious how much that child was struggling and we were actually very aligned on surviving and getting our kid help. Now it feels like he wants to pretend everything’s fine and I’m still terrified. So yes everyone who said I sound anxious is completely right. I’ve tried not to let my anxiety hold my kid back and have really tried to be ok putting them in situations where there’s more of a stretch than I would like for my own anxiety. The food and the clothes seem like so little though, I honestly didn’t think it was problematic even if it’s not 100 percent necessary at this moment. Maybe I need to try a bit harder to reassess some things. I do talk to a therapist and it’s not a great fit but it’s helpful. My NT kid has some medical things going on and I feel myself slipping into the feelings of panic again and I’m sure that’s playing into my feelings that I just can’t handle anything more going wrong and I’d rather do some extra work if it prevents a call from the school.

Anyway sincere thanks to all of you who offered your opinion, even if it was negative. I am going to try to think some of this through and have a conversation with my husband when we are not already upset sometime.

I’m a poster that gave you advice in the beginning that then indicated that I agree with your husband on some things. I just want to say that I am impressed with your ability to take all this input in and perhaps reassess some of where you are at right now. And your husband is wrong if he thinks he has to do nothing. But you may do better with him if you back off a bit on a few things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - some of these replies have been really thoughtful and thought provoking. The counseling out period was one of the worst of my experiences as a parent- we didn’t have a firm diagnosis yet and it was just shocking and heartbreaking and we didn’t have a good alternative at the time. I was desperate to buy some time to figure out what to do and my kid’s self esteem was in the gutter. We’ve changed so many things since then and now DC is at a school that is a better fit and we aren’t in crisis at the moment. But it is hard to shake off the panic and the feeling that I would do almost anything to not end up in that position again. My husband was a lot more sympathetic during that crisis time to be fair to him- it was really obvious how much that child was struggling and we were actually very aligned on surviving and getting our kid help. Now it feels like he wants to pretend everything’s fine and I’m still terrified. So yes everyone who said I sound anxious is completely right. I’ve tried not to let my anxiety hold my kid back and have really tried to be ok putting them in situations where there’s more of a stretch than I would like for my own anxiety. The food and the clothes seem like so little though, I honestly didn’t think it was problematic even if it’s not 100 percent necessary at this moment. Maybe I need to try a bit harder to reassess some things. I do talk to a therapist and it’s not a great fit but it’s helpful. My NT kid has some medical things going on and I feel myself slipping into the feelings of panic again and I’m sure that’s playing into my feelings that I just can’t handle anything more going wrong and I’d rather do some extra work if it prevents a call from the school.

Anyway sincere thanks to all of you who offered your opinion, even if it was negative. I am going to try to think some of this through and have a conversation with my husband when we are not already upset sometime.

I’m a poster that gave you advice in the beginning that then indicated that I agree with your husband on some things. I just want to say that I am impressed with your ability to take all this input in and perhaps reassess some of where you are at right now. And your husband is wrong if he thinks he has to do nothing. But you may do better with him if you back off a bit on a few things.

Let me add that we were a dual diagnosis family. One kid with profound ID and then the other got brain cancer. That is a very hard place to be. But you have to manage your anxiety through this challenging time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - some of these replies have been really thoughtful and thought provoking. The counseling out period was one of the worst of my experiences as a parent- we didn’t have a firm diagnosis yet and it was just shocking and heartbreaking and we didn’t have a good alternative at the time. I was desperate to buy some time to figure out what to do and my kid’s self esteem was in the gutter. We’ve changed so many things since then and now DC is at a school that is a better fit and we aren’t in crisis at the moment. But it is hard to shake off the panic and the feeling that I would do almost anything to not end up in that position again. My husband was a lot more sympathetic during that crisis time to be fair to him- it was really obvious how much that child was struggling and we were actually very aligned on surviving and getting our kid help. Now it feels like he wants to pretend everything’s fine and I’m still terrified. So yes everyone who said I sound anxious is completely right. I’ve tried not to let my anxiety hold my kid back and have really tried to be ok putting them in situations where there’s more of a stretch than I would like for my own anxiety. The food and the clothes seem like so little though, I honestly didn’t think it was problematic even if it’s not 100 percent necessary at this moment. Maybe I need to try a bit harder to reassess some things. I do talk to a therapist and it’s not a great fit but it’s helpful. My NT kid has some medical things going on and I feel myself slipping into the feelings of panic again and I’m sure that’s playing into my feelings that I just can’t handle anything more going wrong and I’d rather do some extra work if it prevents a call from the school.

Anyway sincere thanks to all of you who offered your opinion, even if it was negative. I am going to try to think some of this through and have a conversation with my husband when we are not already upset sometime.

I've also BTDT with a child who was counseled out of a school for behavioral reasons and I completely agree with you that it is a horrible experience. I'd spend each evening and morning before school desperately doing whatever I could to prevent my child from acting out at school, only to spend the school day dreading the next email or call from the school. I would say it was one of the most stressful things I've been through. It can be hard to find the time, but it might help to get some counseling - either individual counseling, to help in dealing with the stress of previous events and the stress you're currently facing, or couples counseling, to help you and your partner agree upon a set of expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a not great place with my marriage feeling like I do everything and absorb all the random things that come up with our kids and I just don’t know if I can keep it up. I constantly see advice to drop the drop on the relationship forum - just don’t do x thing and then your spouse will do it! People seem to imply that women are just picky about how and when things are done and it doesn’t really matter that much. But there have been enough times my husband has just not done something important, even if he said he would, that I just can’t trust him. I feel like virtually everything that takes any mental load is important around here! I am not trying to be mom of the year, just get my kids to be ok. I have mostly just done everything aside from the most basic things (or he might take a kid to an occasional appointment if I have it planned out in a way that works for him, which feels increasingly impossible to do) but we are in another panic phase after a big diagnosis for our younger kid and I’m so resentful how I’m dealing with everything alone again. He thinks he’s amazing for taking a kid to an occasional appointment. I don’t have the energy to fight right now but I can feel the resentment building.

What do you do? Just accept this is how it is?

First of all, those other people on other forums with husband's who will do it if you just stop doing it aren't living in our reality.

From my experience, even asking for help is a tremendous mental load.
Take a day where you write down expectations and assign the chores. Post it in writing.

When things don't get done, consider divorce. It is far easier to take care of one less baby (King Baby in this case) then to continue on this way for the best years of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - so you just do everything? How do you deal with the resentment and stay married? He told me the other day he’s so proud that he’s an amazing husband and father and I just stood there stunned that his bar for himself is apparently on the floor. I have contemplated divorce in the past but won’t because of the kids. I have told him multiple times how unfair I find all of this and how lonely and I guess he thinks that’s fine?

What does he have that he’s so clueless and ignorant to reality?