How do you drop the rope when you have SN kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - so you just do everything? How do you deal with the resentment and stay married? He told me the other day he’s so proud that he’s an amazing husband and father and I just stood there stunned that his bar for himself is apparently on the floor. I have contemplated divorce in the past but won’t because of the kids. I have told him multiple times how unfair I find all of this and how lonely and I guess he thinks that’s fine?

I’d be quick to call out this BS. I like the PPs idea of color coding everything. I’d also give him one job—make it a good one. Like following up on insurance claims. You know where you’re on hold for 45min and they finally pick up just as you are starting a meeting at work. I’d tell him what needs to happen with a deadline and the consequence of it not happening. Then I’d give him the stack of papers and let him know I’ll check in with him next week. It sucks but I’d manage him like I manage my staff.

At the very least I’d want acknowledgment of all that I do. I’d want to drive home the point that it is mentally taxing, tedious, and requires keeping track of multiple things. One thing I like to ask is if I was hit by a car tomorrow how would you continue to support our child. If the answer is I don’t know then he needs to step up and be a parent to his kid.

So I laughed when I read this because this is one of the things I have asked him to do. Guess what? It just doesn’t happen. We have not been reimbursed thousands and thousands of dollars we are entitled to. Because we are comfortable financially and it doesn’t actually affect the kids I just try not to think about it.

If you can afford to not worry about thousands in reimbursement, you need to figure out outsourcing. You need to hire a wife — this is what I did. I’m the poster that kept a nanny for years and years. Pay a premium and pay for full time even if you only have 20 hours of work a week for them. Teach them all the particulars of how you want your laundry done, errands run, etc. It will be worth the up front time you spend on training. They can be there even when you are there as a second set of hands.

Does this really exist? I primarily would like to outsource house things over childcare and finding someone who can both deal with my child with behavioral issues and also be willing to make dinner and handle laundry seems really difficult. I don’t know anyone who has found this. We could probably find money for one full time employee but it would be a stretch and I would have to do 100 percent of the management.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - so you just do everything? How do you deal with the resentment and stay married? He told me the other day he’s so proud that he’s an amazing husband and father and I just stood there stunned that his bar for himself is apparently on the floor. I have contemplated divorce in the past but won’t because of the kids. I have told him multiple times how unfair I find all of this and how lonely and I guess he thinks that’s fine?

I’d be quick to call out this BS. I like the PPs idea of color coding everything. I’d also give him one job—make it a good one. Like following up on insurance claims. You know where you’re on hold for 45min and they finally pick up just as you are starting a meeting at work. I’d tell him what needs to happen with a deadline and the consequence of it not happening. Then I’d give him the stack of papers and let him know I’ll check in with him next week. It sucks but I’d manage him like I manage my staff.

At the very least I’d want acknowledgment of all that I do. I’d want to drive home the point that it is mentally taxing, tedious, and requires keeping track of multiple things. One thing I like to ask is if I was hit by a car tomorrow how would you continue to support our child. If the answer is I don’t know then he needs to step up and be a parent to his kid.

So I laughed when I read this because this is one of the things I have asked him to do. Guess what? It just doesn’t happen. We have not been reimbursed thousands and thousands of dollars we are entitled to. Because we are comfortable financially and it doesn’t actually affect the kids I just try not to think about it.

If you can afford to not worry about thousands in reimbursement, you need to figure out outsourcing. You need to hire a wife — this is what I did. I’m the poster that kept a nanny for years and years. Pay a premium and pay for full time even if you only have 20 hours of work a week for them. Teach them all the particulars of how you want your laundry done, errands run, etc. It will be worth the up front time you spend on training. They can be there even when you are there as a second set of hands.

Does this really exist? I primarily would like to outsource house things over childcare and finding someone who can both deal with my child with behavioral issues and also be willing to make dinner and handle laundry seems really difficult. I don’t know anyone who has found this. We could probably find money for one full time employee but it would be a stretch and I would have to do 100 percent of the management.

I’ve had this for a number of years in a southern state. I’ve used college girls, an older nanny and now a woman that does elder care. My current person comes in and runs errands, cooks, does kid laundry and changes bedding, etc. Right now, she comes 12-18 hours a week. I found her through the elder care part of the care website. She is retired and likes having some extra money. If you want someone to do stuff like this while you handle your kid stuff, you can probably find it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - so you just do everything? How do you deal with the resentment and stay married? He told me the other day he’s so proud that he’s an amazing husband and father and I just stood there stunned that his bar for himself is apparently on the floor. I have contemplated divorce in the past but won’t because of the kids. I have told him multiple times how unfair I find all of this and how lonely and I guess he thinks that’s fine?

What do you mean by everything? Coordinating school, medical appointments and therapy while I’m working. Yes. And like you, my husband occasionally takes our SN or NT kid to an appointment but it’s rare. I had lots of resentment for years and then we had a few major situations in the teen years that threw us into crisis mode. I kind of realized how I want to be the one with the primary control on all of this. While I want him helping more, it’s really hard when you aren’t at something, you don’t know what’s going on and you are trying to give an update to determine if hospitalization is needed.

So you do what you can, you let a lot slide, outsource everything you can afford and realize some things can be let go and life will be okay.

I appreciate your honesty here and I also try to acknowledge that I also have a hard time giving up control of my kids health. It’s easy to say if he was better at it I’d give up control more but that’s not necessarily the case. The medical issues in particular I like to be very very careful about and I go above and beyond to find the best doctors and get the best care. I recognize that is a choice I make but ironically one of the few things my husband seems to recognize and appreciate - I think he also desires our children to have the best possible care so at least our values overlap in that way. He never objects to me spending money on second opinions or paying out of pocket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering how many PP have a spouse who works considerably more than 40 hours a week? If so (and they are really in need of 8 hours of sleep a night to not be horrible to be around, does that change your answer? He’s mostly working and asking how high whenever anyone senior says jump. I strongly suspect he could get away with less but obviously suggestions to that effect have not been well taken. He is also unwilling to apply for other jobs where things would be significantly better (because he will not do anything that could be seen as a step down in prestige). So he always says he’s busy and maybe he is. However he will find time to waste on some random house project that was bothering only him if he wants to.

I mean, I’m the woman whose kid doesn’t sleep through the night that also outsources a ton and your husband is full of it. I have managed to work more than 40 hours a week and navigate to the C-suite while attending boatloads of appointments, making boatloads of phone calls, etc. Of course, I have outsourced and I actually have a husband that does a lot. But the idea that I never did anything before 7pm on a weeknight is some nonsense. Assuming this man isn’t working on his feet customer service, he has time in his day to make a call, etc.

So knowing that he is full of it, I will once again say “you need to hire a wife.” And longer term, you need to decide if this sucky guy is worth the trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - so you just do everything? How do you deal with the resentment and stay married? He told me the other day he’s so proud that he’s an amazing husband and father and I just stood there stunned that his bar for himself is apparently on the floor. I have contemplated divorce in the past but won’t because of the kids. I have told him multiple times how unfair I find all of this and how lonely and I guess he thinks that’s fine?

I’d be quick to call out this BS. I like the PPs idea of color coding everything. I’d also give him one job—make it a good one. Like following up on insurance claims. You know where you’re on hold for 45min and they finally pick up just as you are starting a meeting at work. I’d tell him what needs to happen with a deadline and the consequence of it not happening. Then I’d give him the stack of papers and let him know I’ll check in with him next week. It sucks but I’d manage him like I manage my staff.

At the very least I’d want acknowledgment of all that I do. I’d want to drive home the point that it is mentally taxing, tedious, and requires keeping track of multiple things. One thing I like to ask is if I was hit by a car tomorrow how would you continue to support our child. If the answer is I don’t know then he needs to step up and be a parent to his kid.

So I laughed when I read this because this is one of the things I have asked him to do. Guess what? It just doesn’t happen. We have not been reimbursed thousands and thousands of dollars we are entitled to. Because we are comfortable financially and it doesn’t actually affect the kids I just try not to think about it.

I thought that too. Men need straightforward tasks. They aren’t good at multithreaded complex much like sorting out insurance claims. Honestly, neither are a lot of women. Most people just pay insurance companies what they want because it’s such a hassle. I got so sick of this I changed healthcare systems to university ones that are usually have better billing practices.

Anyway, give you husband simple, straightforward tasks.

Can you give examples? I would find that really helpful. They can’t need to be done during the workday (or before 7 really)

Does he do all the laundry? Does he prep food on the weekend? Does he handle all trash and recycling? Does he handle the cars? Does he handle the yard? Does he handle any driving after 7pm for activities? Does he go through kid clothing and get rid of everything too small? Does he buy the kids new shoes when they need them? Does he do all the prescription pick ups? Does he drop off and pick up the dry cleaning? Does he load an unload the dishwasher?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - so you just do everything? How do you deal with the resentment and stay married? He told me the other day he’s so proud that he’s an amazing husband and father and I just stood there stunned that his bar for himself is apparently on the floor. I have contemplated divorce in the past but won’t because of the kids. I have told him multiple times how unfair I find all of this and how lonely and I guess he thinks that’s fine?

I’d be quick to call out this BS. I like the PPs idea of color coding everything. I’d also give him one job—make it a good one. Like following up on insurance claims. You know where you’re on hold for 45min and they finally pick up just as you are starting a meeting at work. I’d tell him what needs to happen with a deadline and the consequence of it not happening. Then I’d give him the stack of papers and let him know I’ll check in with him next week. It sucks but I’d manage him like I manage my staff.

At the very least I’d want acknowledgment of all that I do. I’d want to drive home the point that it is mentally taxing, tedious, and requires keeping track of multiple things. One thing I like to ask is if I was hit by a car tomorrow how would you continue to support our child. If the answer is I don’t know then he needs to step up and be a parent to his kid.

So I laughed when I read this because this is one of the things I have asked him to do. Guess what? It just doesn’t happen. We have not been reimbursed thousands and thousands of dollars we are entitled to. Because we are comfortable financially and it doesn’t actually affect the kids I just try not to think about it.

I thought that too. Men need straightforward tasks. They aren’t good at multithreaded complex much like sorting out insurance claims. Honestly, neither are a lot of women. Most people just pay insurance companies what they want because it’s such a hassle. I got so sick of this I changed healthcare systems to university ones that are usually have better billing practices.

Anyway, give you husband simple, straightforward tasks.

Surprisingly many men can do it at work. So why does their ability change when it comes to managing home life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - so you just do everything? How do you deal with the resentment and stay married? He told me the other day he’s so proud that he’s an amazing husband and father and I just stood there stunned that his bar for himself is apparently on the floor. I have contemplated divorce in the past but won’t because of the kids. I have told him multiple times how unfair I find all of this and how lonely and I guess he thinks that’s fine?

I’d be quick to call out this BS. I like the PPs idea of color coding everything. I’d also give him one job—make it a good one. Like following up on insurance claims. You know where you’re on hold for 45min and they finally pick up just as you are starting a meeting at work. I’d tell him what needs to happen with a deadline and the consequence of it not happening. Then I’d give him the stack of papers and let him know I’ll check in with him next week. It sucks but I’d manage him like I manage my staff.

At the very least I’d want acknowledgment of all that I do. I’d want to drive home the point that it is mentally taxing, tedious, and requires keeping track of multiple things. One thing I like to ask is if I was hit by a car tomorrow how would you continue to support our child. If the answer is I don’t know then he needs to step up and be a parent to his kid.

So I laughed when I read this because this is one of the things I have asked him to do. Guess what? It just doesn’t happen. We have not been reimbursed thousands and thousands of dollars we are entitled to. Because we are comfortable financially and it doesn’t actually affect the kids I just try not to think about it.

I thought that too. Men need straightforward tasks. They aren’t good at multithreaded complex much like sorting out insurance claims. Honestly, neither are a lot of women. Most people just pay insurance companies what they want because it’s such a hassle. I got so sick of this I changed healthcare systems to university ones that are usually have better billing practices.

Anyway, give you husband simple, straightforward tasks.

Can you give examples? I would find that really helpful. They can’t need to be done during the workday (or before 7 really)

NP here but for my DH it was pack lunches for kids. Sure, they eat pop tarts and Oreos most days, but he packs them, buys whatever containers are needed, puts lunch food on the list. It’s one less thing when I am trying to reset the house at 9 pm for yet another day, and I can let the quality go since I know they eat decent breakfast and lunch. DH could also have kids buy lunch if he set up an account, but that never happened.

Also, if either of your kids has ADHD, get DH tested if he is willing. I was able to sell mine on the benefits of an Adderall Rx at work like he was faking the system to work smarter than others. He wouldn’t have been receptive to the idea that he had any deficit at all, but playing to his competitive side helped. ADHD meds were helpful for things like remembering appointments and following through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - so you just do everything? How do you deal with the resentment and stay married? He told me the other day he’s so proud that he’s an amazing husband and father and I just stood there stunned that his bar for himself is apparently on the floor. I have contemplated divorce in the past but won’t because of the kids. I have told him multiple times how unfair I find all of this and how lonely and I guess he thinks that’s fine?

I’d be quick to call out this BS. I like the PPs idea of color coding everything. I’d also give him one job—make it a good one. Like following up on insurance claims. You know where you’re on hold for 45min and they finally pick up just as you are starting a meeting at work. I’d tell him what needs to happen with a deadline and the consequence of it not happening. Then I’d give him the stack of papers and let him know I’ll check in with him next week. It sucks but I’d manage him like I manage my staff.

At the very least I’d want acknowledgment of all that I do. I’d want to drive home the point that it is mentally taxing, tedious, and requires keeping track of multiple things. One thing I like to ask is if I was hit by a car tomorrow how would you continue to support our child. If the answer is I don’t know then he needs to step up and be a parent to his kid.

So I laughed when I read this because this is one of the things I have asked him to do. Guess what? It just doesn’t happen. We have not been reimbursed thousands and thousands of dollars we are entitled to. Because we are comfortable financially and it doesn’t actually affect the kids I just try not to think about it.

If you can afford to not worry about thousands in reimbursement, you need to figure out outsourcing. You need to hire a wife — this is what I did. I’m the poster that kept a nanny for years and years. Pay a premium and pay for full time even if you only have 20 hours of work a week for them. Teach them all the particulars of how you want your laundry done, errands run, etc. It will be worth the up front time you spend on training. They can be there even when you are there as a second set of hands.

Does this really exist? I primarily would like to outsource house things over childcare and finding someone who can both deal with my child with behavioral issues and also be willing to make dinner and handle laundry seems really difficult. I don’t know anyone who has found this. We could probably find money for one full time employee but it would be a stretch and I would have to do 100 percent of the management.

You can find someone who is good with your child and would be fine with simple meal prep and laundry FOR YOUR CHILD. For example, I have someone who I trained with ABA behavior therapists who will microwave a meal or cut up fruit for my child. She will tidy up her messes and help her do laundry. She drives our nanny car when DD has an activity or on an outing. I pay this person like a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - so you just do everything? How do you deal with the resentment and stay married? He told me the other day he’s so proud that he’s an amazing husband and father and I just stood there stunned that his bar for himself is apparently on the floor. I have contemplated divorce in the past but won’t because of the kids. I have told him multiple times how unfair I find all of this and how lonely and I guess he thinks that’s fine?

I’d be quick to call out this BS. I like the PPs idea of color coding everything. I’d also give him one job—make it a good one. Like following up on insurance claims. You know where you’re on hold for 45min and they finally pick up just as you are starting a meeting at work. I’d tell him what needs to happen with a deadline and the consequence of it not happening. Then I’d give him the stack of papers and let him know I’ll check in with him next week. It sucks but I’d manage him like I manage my staff.

At the very least I’d want acknowledgment of all that I do. I’d want to drive home the point that it is mentally taxing, tedious, and requires keeping track of multiple things. One thing I like to ask is if I was hit by a car tomorrow how would you continue to support our child. If the answer is I don’t know then he needs to step up and be a parent to his kid.

So I laughed when I read this because this is one of the things I have asked him to do. Guess what? It just doesn’t happen. We have not been reimbursed thousands and thousands of dollars we are entitled to. Because we are comfortable financially and it doesn’t actually affect the kids I just try not to think about it.

I thought that too. Men need straightforward tasks. They aren’t good at multithreaded complex much like sorting out insurance claims. Honestly, neither are a lot of women. Most people just pay insurance companies what they want because it’s such a hassle. I got so sick of this I changed healthcare systems to university ones that are usually have better billing practices.

Anyway, give you husband simple, straightforward tasks.

Surprisingly many men can do it at work. So why does their ability change when it comes to managing home life.

I wrote the above post and agree with you. I think they can only do it at work because they know they won’t get a paycheck. Direct consequence!

Obviously they could do it at home if they were properly motivated but it’s easier just to give them routine tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - so you just do everything? How do you deal with the resentment and stay married? He told me the other day he’s so proud that he’s an amazing husband and father and I just stood there stunned that his bar for himself is apparently on the floor. I have contemplated divorce in the past but won’t because of the kids. I have told him multiple times how unfair I find all of this and how lonely and I guess he thinks that’s fine?

I’d be quick to call out this BS. I like the PPs idea of color coding everything. I’d also give him one job—make it a good one. Like following up on insurance claims. You know where you’re on hold for 45min and they finally pick up just as you are starting a meeting at work. I’d tell him what needs to happen with a deadline and the consequence of it not happening. Then I’d give him the stack of papers and let him know I’ll check in with him next week. It sucks but I’d manage him like I manage my staff.

At the very least I’d want acknowledgment of all that I do. I’d want to drive home the point that it is mentally taxing, tedious, and requires keeping track of multiple things. One thing I like to ask is if I was hit by a car tomorrow how would you continue to support our child. If the answer is I don’t know then he needs to step up and be a parent to his kid.

So I laughed when I read this because this is one of the things I have asked him to do. Guess what? It just doesn’t happen. We have not been reimbursed thousands and thousands of dollars we are entitled to. Because we are comfortable financially and it doesn’t actually affect the kids I just try not to think about it.

I thought that too. Men need straightforward tasks. They aren’t good at multithreaded complex much like sorting out insurance claims. Honestly, neither are a lot of women. Most people just pay insurance companies what they want because it’s such a hassle. I got so sick of this I changed healthcare systems to university ones that are usually have better billing practices.

Anyway, give you husband simple, straightforward tasks.

Can you give examples? I would find that really helpful. They can’t need to be done during the workday (or before 7 really)

Does he do all the laundry? Does he prep food on the weekend? Does he handle all trash and recycling? Does he handle the cars? Does he handle the yard? Does he handle any driving after 7pm for activities? Does he go through kid clothing and get rid of everything too small? Does he buy the kids new shoes when they need them? Does he do all the prescription pick ups? Does he drop off and pick up the dry cleaning? Does he load an unload the dishwasher?

Adding: pack lunches night before, vacuum, order groceries for delivery (text him a list to get him started), clean the kitchen, clean bathrooms, give him the list for school supplies and he can order them, drive the kids to school, dress kids for school, give kids daily meds, brush hair and teeth, stuff that you would assign to a personal assistant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering how many PP have a spouse who works considerably more than 40 hours a week? If so (and they are really in need of 8 hours of sleep a night to not be horrible to be around, does that change your answer? He’s mostly working and asking how high whenever anyone senior says jump. I strongly suspect he could get away with less but obviously suggestions to that effect have not been well taken. He is also unwilling to apply for other jobs where things would be significantly better (because he will not do anything that could be seen as a step down in prestige). So he always says he’s busy and maybe he is. However he will find time to waste on some random house project that was bothering only him if he wants to.

My husband retrained for a less prestigious job, a skilled trade. He joined a union at low pay to get his foot in the door. But it has a contractual pay scale. He cannot be forced to work overtime. He gets plenty of vacation time. Sometimes he signs up for OT when he can make double (or rarely triple pay). But yep, less prestigious. Doesn’t sound sexy but significantly more income and training paid by employer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - so you just do everything? How do you deal with the resentment and stay married? He told me the other day he’s so proud that he’s an amazing husband and father and I just stood there stunned that his bar for himself is apparently on the floor. I have contemplated divorce in the past but won’t because of the kids. I have told him multiple times how unfair I find all of this and how lonely and I guess he thinks that’s fine?

Lots of divorces arise from the difficulties of having SN kids.

Sorry.

[Anonymous]

I suck at scheduling and organizing stuff. My SO does all that stuff. Fair?

I'm the one doing all the little daily things and taking all the daily abuse. Still fair?

Figure out what y'all are good at, delegate, and survive. Get counseling, for yourself or together. Figure out what works and make it work. And divorce may be the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - so you just do everything? How do you deal with the resentment and stay married? He told me the other day he’s so proud that he’s an amazing husband and father and I just stood there stunned that his bar for himself is apparently on the floor. I have contemplated divorce in the past but won’t because of the kids. I have told him multiple times how unfair I find all of this and how lonely and I guess he thinks that’s fine?

What do you mean by everything? Coordinating school, medical appointments and therapy while I’m working. Yes. And like you, my husband occasionally takes our SN or NT kid to an appointment but it’s rare. I had lots of resentment for years and then we had a few major situations in the teen years that threw us into crisis mode. I kind of realized how I want to be the one with the primary control on all of this. While I want him helping more, it’s really hard when you aren’t at something, you don’t know what’s going on and you are trying to give an update to determine if hospitalization is needed.

So you do what you can, you let a lot slide, outsource everything you can afford and realize some things can be let go and life will be okay.

I think I suck at outsourcing. I have tried a variety of things and they just don’t work. I can’t seem to find a way to send out laundry that works and stuff comes back ok. We’ve tried a couple times. I have tried getting more child care but it’s such a struggle to get one child to accept a new caregiver that they tend to be unwilling to work through it. I have at times hired babysitters for the one child who will tolerate it. I should do that more now that both kids have a ton going on. But it doesn’t help with the random appointment at 11:15 on a Wednesday 30 minutes away that gets scheduled because one kid needs an urgent adjustment to medical equipment and you have to take the first appointment you can get. It’s that stuff that’s killing me.

You quoted me. We don’t outsource laundry but I stopped separating anything. That’s right, it all gets dumped in together and then thrown in a dryer or hung on a drying rack. Nothing is ironed. I don’t even fold it all. If it needs ironing, I didn’t buy it. As for the occasional dress shirt or clothes we rarely wear, dry clean.

The appointments and kids are harder. My life got significantly easier when they were old enough to stay home alone. There were times when they couldn’t be left when my one was going through a really bad period and needed someone here 24/7 but that wasn’t forever. When they were little it was really hard, I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

I’m a PP and could only admit this anonymously but there were times when they were younger when I considered divorce. I didn’t because I figured it would only make my life harder, having to coordinate more with him and then I would still be worried he wouldn’t step up. Only I wouldn’t be there.