Divorce with an infant?
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Anonymous
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Wondering if others are struggling in their relationship post baby. We have an almost 10 month old and I thought things would have gotten better at this point but they have not. Long story short, my husband has really been struggling with how your life changes after a baby. He basically just tries to fit the baby into his "old life" instead of morphing into a "new" life that includes a baby. I get it, babies aren't fun 24/7. There is a lot to grieve about your old life, but I am just at my wits end.
For example, he is really into sports, sports gambling, etc. Every single Sunday he has been, and wants to continue to be gone from 11am to 9pm to watch sports at a friends house while I am at home with the baby. After a ton of blow ups he now "brings" our son to watch sports all day, because I said how ridiculous it was for me to sit alone all day with the baby every weekend. A decision he consistently regrets as many of you would imagine, being in a room with an infant and 8 other men is not exactly an appropriate place for a baby to spend an entire day. Every weekend it is something he needs to do with his friends that have no children, sports related. I am talking fantasy sports, college basketball, college football, NFL, soccer, hockey, basketball. It never ends. He has always been into sports but the gambling has made it 100 times worse paired with all his friends are into it, so if he is not doing it, he feels left out. I really value my social life as well, but taking care of the baby alone all weekend is not what I signed up for. We also have had to work on his mood swings where he is in a generally annoyed mood while we are spending quality time with our son because some fantasy team didn't have enough touch downs. All he wants to do every weekend is hang out with his childless friends and sit around drinking beers watching tv. On top of that, he plays xbox every night for at least 3 to 4 hours. I don't actually care, but I care that he stays up till 1-2am every single night and is irritable because he never sleeps and just wants to game with his friends. Again, he did this pre-baby. Stupid me. Is this normal behavior? He said I should expect him to be usually gone one weekend (say Saturday) to go watch sports with his friends every weekend. As a working mom, we both work during the week and I did not sign up for just hanging out with the baby alone. He tries to "fix" this by bringing the baby, when in actually I just want quality time with my family. He just doesn't like to hang out with our son all day as he finds it "boring". I find myself really jealous of other couples who are just out and about hanging with their spouse and their child on the weekend. I have to drag him to every "family" time and he acts like I should be grateful. Some game was on and we were on a family walk and he wanted me to "thank him" because he was missing a random basketball game to take a walk with his wife and child at 7pm on a Wednesday. I have suggested couples therapy and he has refused saying he will never attend. At this point, I am ready to end my marriage since I am incredibly lonely anyway. I just don't know what to do. We have had many conversations on this. To make matters worse, we have had a lot of struggles before this, including a stillbirth. I say that because we both, before our living son was born, had longed for these moments. I am just so disappointed with how my life looks like with our living son after everything we have been through. And to answer your question if he is avoiding his grief/trauma of our past, no he is not. He is just a man child that doesn't want to make any changes to his personal wants. None of this is new behavior for the past ten years and I should have known better. I guess I just assumed he would smarten up a little bit when we had a child. |
Anonymous
| I’m so sorry OP. No, this ish normal at all (not to mention deeply unfair to you). It sounds like you are deeply regretful for noting this behavior pre-baby and expecting him to change, but take it easy on yourself (and ignore the grumps who blame you for this). There is an adjustment period for ALL people when a baby comes around, and it can be impossible to predict who will change and who will not. Based on what you’ve said, it doesn’t look like he will change. That is up to you to decide whether you should stay or go, but it does seem that he’s expressed that he will not change. Unless you are willing to accept his behavior and pivot to being in a marriage where you are essentially a single mom, it seems that now is the time to consider leaving as you’ve given him plenty of time to change and he has given you plenty of evidence that he will not. I am so sorry. This should be a happy time for you, and I know the age can be tough to handle solo. Hugs. |
Anonymous
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Well, the stillbirth might have something to do with it. He may have got "stuck" and can't move along, can't trust the future. It sucks to have to think about his a-hole behavior though, because what about you? You've been through a lot (and he doesn't know how to deal with it).
Keep trying on counseling. I know that couples who have experienced a child's death end up divorcing at a very high rate. There are deep reasons for that, but it doesn't have to happen if you are aware of the reasons. Maybe his behavior is influenced by his grief, or maybe he is a selfish buffoon. Not sure, but you should try to be sure, because having your baby's daddy with you for life would be excellent, if at all doable. |
Anonymous
| I'm never the one to say jump to divorce, but honestly...you need to leave him. At least separate and see what it's like. You don't need two kids to raise. I cannot even imagine how frustrating this must be for you. Your son is young enough that he won't remember. You deserve a partner who wants to be a dad. |
Anonymous
| Truthfully don’t understand what divorce solves. Now you’re a single mom raising an infant spending money and time on and in court. That’s the life you did sign up for? I think you’re past the point of getting the life you wanted. Not to mention the statistics of kids growing up in a broken home are ABYSMAL. Most of life is dealing with consequences from earlier decisions - both good and bad. You married him knowing what he was like, and brought a child into that relationship. It’s not just about you anymore. |
Anonymous
| My husband and I have been on the brink of divorce after each of our kids were born. Kids do a lot to damage a marriage, and they weaken cracks that were there before. You need a therapist stat, just for you. Don’t make any decisions until everyone is getting 8 hours of sleep per night for at least a few months. This may take years (did for us). Sleep deprivation and adjusting to a new baby take a toll. Your hair and hasn’t yet evolved to be the dad he needs to be. Does he have role models? Dad friends? Mentors? What’s his relationship with his dad? He’s clearly avoiding you and the baby and there’s probably a lot going on with that. But you can’t fix him, just work on yourself. |
Anonymous
I agree with this. You’ll still have to coparent with him. And here’s the thing - your child will blame him Or herself for the divorce for the rest of their life. You owe it to your child to try and make it work. Right now you have black and white thinking. Family time versus me time. You want one, he wants another. Y’all need to compromise. Give each other breaks each weekend. Each parent gets 2-3 hours of me time and then you do a family event/activity. Also, have you both been evaluated for PTSD or had counseling from the trauma of your first child? Those are deep wounds and are a part of the puzzle of figuring out what’s going on in your marriage. |
Anonymous
| In your situation I would go to individual therapy since he won’t do couples and I would give it at least another year before making any moves towards divorce. |
Anonymous
It would free OP up to find a better SO, and be less lonely. Maybe the kid could have a step parent who doesn't view spending time together as a burden. |
Anonymous
Agree with this. Move on, OP. Definitely go to therapy yourself to figure out what drew you to this man-child. Did you see who he was and thought you could fix it? But yeah, end this now. He won’t argue about custody. Just make sure he pays support. Your child needs that. Good luck to you. |
Anonymous
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OP, I think you need to give it more time. Right now you know that he hates parenting an infant. Okay. Many people feel this way. How is he going to be with a 6 yo? Will he be spending hours in the backyard kicking soccer goals with them and coach their team? Will he be more interested in a kid? I think you don't know yet.
I'm not saying that you don't deserve to leave. He's being a royal jerk. But also think about what you are getting from the relationship currently and what else you could get him to contribute. Presumably he's helping pay living expenses and a rent/mortgage. He's also willing to take the baby for a whole day or parts of a day so you can have a break. What about chores? Does he pay bills, do the yard, wash dishes, give the baby a bath, etc? All of that would fall on you if you left. Don't take what he's providing for granted. You can always leave when the baby is bigger and is less needy. Hold tight and see how things go. In the meantime think about starting to build a life for you and the baby. If you were single with a baby all weekend, what would you do? My guess is you'd make other friends with babies and start to form a network. Do that now. And if they have spouses he can meet to help build him a new friend circle, all the better. |
Anonymous
| Of course it’s not normal. His old is he? You married a child. Didn’t he do these things before the baby? |
Anonymous
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How is your relationship with your MIL? If it’s decent, one day ask her for “advice” on how she got her husband to be more engaged with the baby and mention. “John is struggling with that right now” and drop and example or two. If she’s at all decent, she will give her son a kick in the behind.
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Anonymous
| You and your baby deserve more and you need a coparent, not a man child. |
Anonymous
| Yikes!!! Echoing what others have said I’d start individual therapy and also start living like you’re a single mom - make friends with other single moms, spend lots of time with your girlfriends, maybe join a family-friendly church/synagogue/etc to build your community. Maybe you'll find you’re happier in the day to day once you drop all expectations of him and let go of the idea of “family time” like you envisioned it. I had to do this for different reasons - my DH is an engaged dad, but untreated anxiety makes him difficult/impossible to spend pleasant time with. Letting go of expectations and building my own life apart from him allowed me to find enough peace and happiness to avoid splitting up our family unit and taking the financial hit of divorce. You might not be able to do that and I get it since he sounds like the worst man child on earth and I’d resent the hell out of it. Good luck with whatever you decide, you don’t deserve this, |