Divorce with an infant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm never the one to say jump to divorce, but honestly...you need to leave him. At least separate and see what it's like. You don't need two kids to raise. I cannot even imagine how frustrating this must be for you. Your son is young enough that he won't remember. You deserve a partner who wants to be a dad.

This is bad advice because she is likely going to have to share custody and she’s not gonna be able to trust him with the baby. It is very difficult for mothers to get full custody now.

It doesn't sound like he will be remotely interested in his half of custody. When the baby is 2 or 3, he will become even less interested. OP and her child deserve a caring and involved husband/father and right now they don't have one. OP has nothing to lose by leaving and everything to gain.

I thought that… but many do suddenly want custody because they don’t wanna pay a lot of child support. You have to pay a lot if the woman has full custody, and a lot of men will take half custody just because they don’t wanna pay that money. Ask me how I know

But will OP want him to have half custody when he's so checked out? She might as well stay married so she can properly parent the child full time.

That is why I stayed married until elementary school. He could not be trusted with young kids.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar issue. I chose to handle it by staying because I didn’t want to share custody of an infant. I am the higher earner so I hired an amazing nanny to help with our child and the house so I can work and optimize my career potential and then spend time while child, not on chores, on weekends & when I am home/not traveling for work, etc. Child is now seven. It helped when I moved us to suburb for better schools and then we were around more families. It’s still not great and I still struggle. In some ways it would’ve been easier to leave when child was little.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. No doubt, this guy's friends think this is weird and uncomfortable. Is there no one in his life who can tell it to him straight -- that he needs to grow up, be a parent to this baby, be responsible?

Also, gambling can be very addictive, and adding the socializing of watching sports with friends gives it a veneer of healthy socializing. But it is obviously not healthy.

The guy needs a wake up call. How embarrassing and stupid to lose your family because you wanted to watch people play sports all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. No doubt, this guy's friends think this is weird and uncomfortable. Is there no one in his life who can tell it to him straight -- that he needs to grow up, be a parent to this baby, be responsible?

Also, gambling can be very addictive, and adding the socializing of watching sports with friends gives it a veneer of healthy socializing. But it is obviously not healthy.

The guy needs a wake up call. How embarrassing and stupid to lose your family because you wanted to watch people play sports all day.

OP, I truly hope you're still coming back to this thread and read the post above.

This guy is spot on. Most PPs here are glossing right over the big red flag that you mentioned -- and I think you're glossing over it yourself. It's not the sports, OP. It's the gambling on sports.

Listen to the PP above when he says, and I'm going to repeat it so you hear it loud and clear: "Watching sports with friends gives it a veneer of healthy socializing. But it is obviously not healthy."

The gambling may be out of hand. Even if you yourself regularly handle the family finances, your DH, if he's a serious gambler and/or has a gambling problem, can easily find ways to hide money, hide losses, from you. The number of hours your DH spends "watching sports" is beyond excessive even for a big sports fan. It's not really the sports that draw him, though he likely believes that's the case. It's the need to gamble on sports. And he has friends who seem to enable it, since you say they also gamble on games.

As the guy above also rightly notes: Is there NO friend or relative in his life who can give your DH a mental slap into reality? No best friend (who isn't in the sports circle of guys)? No brother or other relative? No peer? This may need to come from another man who is his same age and stage in life. Has he anyone you trust enough to go to with this, tell them what you told us here (I'd have them read your post) and say, DH needs someone who is not you (OP) point this out and tell him he may have a problem that will cost him his marriage and his child?

Some people often will not or cannot hear their spouse any more. Your DH does not hear or see you any more. You need some outside help. And your DH has a problem. He may not be a full-blown gambling addict (yet) but it's appalling to me that this whole thread has mostly ignored the red flags about his gambling as part of the sports-watching.

[Anonymous]

This is normal for men.

I really wish women can stop being perpetually surprised at this behavior.

[Anonymous]

End your marriage, OP. It sounds like he wouldn’t want custody. Move on and have the family you deserve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is normal for men.

I really wish women can stop being perpetually surprised at this behavior.

Nope. I know zero men like this. It’s not too much to ask for an equal partner in this day and age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:End your marriage, OP. It sounds like he wouldn’t want custody. Move on and have the family you deserve.

Again, she risks shared custody. This happens a lot. Then she and the kid is in a worse position. She needs to wait until the kid is older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is normal for men.

I really wish women can stop being perpetually surprised at this behavior.

Nope. I know zero men like this. It’s not too much to ask for an equal partner in this day and age.

You are wrong. Most men ARE like this. I am mid 40s. This has been the norm historically. I am not PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you need to give it more time. Right now you know that he hates parenting an infant. Okay. Many people feel this way. How is he going to be with a 6 yo? Will he be spending hours in the backyard kicking soccer goals with them and coach their team? Will he be more interested in a kid? I think you don't know yet.

. . .

Mom of teens and twenty somethings here. This describes my family to a T. Babyhood was all on my plate. But my spouse is a great parent to older kids. I barely have to be responsible for anything now. I don’t think i minded it as much as OP though. And we had a lot of give and take with chores and daycare drop off and we didn’t always have the same days off work. Just chiming in to reinforce what PP says about some people parenting better at different stages.

Maybe? But I wouldn’t expect this. There are a lot of not fun parts to parenting at every age. It’s called taking responsibility. If his notion of bringing up a baby is taking it to fantasy football I don’t think he’s going to be tossing a ball around with a six year old or doing math homework with his ten year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is normal for men.

I really wish women can stop being perpetually surprised at this behavior.

Nope. I know zero men like this. It’s not too much to ask for an equal partner in this day and age.

You are wrong. Most men ARE like this. I am mid 40s. This has been the norm historically. I am not PP.

I am mid 40s also and I haven’t met a single man like this. I don’t care if “most” men are. There are definitely communities where it’s far out of the norm and looked down on to neglect your kids and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a lot of flippant posters suggesting divorce who clearly don’t understand how much a divorce can destroy the lives of children and grandchildren. I have lived through two divorces of my dad and I deal with the consequences still now as an adult. It impacts everything. And remarriage makes the lives of your children and grandchildren very difficult, so many more families and dynamics to navigate. There’s never enough time for everyone and it’s exhausting figuring out every holiday with 4 sets of grandparents. We also get far less support from them since step parents don’t feel the obligation to help their step grandchildren the way my friends whose parents remained married seem to and always prioritize their bio kids.

Divorce is not just something you resort to when the first year of your life is hard after a baby. News flash - the first year after a baby is born sucks for most people. This is backed by evidence. Parenting is hard and it can be a huge disconnect to realize that after you have longed for it for so long (and the. realize you basically lost your freedom and ruined your existing life as you knew it). Happiness does not increase after divorce (studies show this) due to increased stressors of single parenting, finances, etc. take your marriage vows seriously and try and work on yourself and your marriage. You’re owe it to your kid.

Huh? Her baby cant even talk LOL

Btw Op, your husband is not going to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is normal for men.

I really wish women can stop being perpetually surprised at this behavior.

Nope. I know zero men like this. It’s not too much to ask for an equal partner in this day and age.

You are wrong. Most men ARE like this. I am mid 40s. This has been the norm historically. I am not PP.

I am mid 40s also and I haven’t met a single man like this. I don’t care if “most” men are. There are definitely communities where it’s far out of the norm and looked down on to neglect your kids and family.

I have not met a single man who is NOT like this. Women do most of the work whether they work or not. I have never ever seen a man be an equal partner at home. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Don't make any big decisions in the first year. Period. I think the first step should be you talking to him, firmly and in a calm setting, then doing therapy alone to figure out what you can do to address the issue. You can't control him, only yourself.

My spouse was a billion times more considerate than this but it did feel like a zero-sum game when we had a baby of "who gets to have free time." But that's not it, OP. Play it smart and you can BOTH have free time, friends and hobbies, and you can have even more of it when baby is older.

If you don't work, find a job. Have an identity that isn't Mom. Join a group or meet up with friends. Find an excellent babysitter -- I found a couple on care.com (if your baby is in daycare, daycare teachers often moonlight as sitters on the side).

[Anonymous]

Btw OP, I think it's 100% fine that he brings the baby to his friend sports meetups. Unless they are so drunk they drop him on his head or something, it sounds totally okay and even a good break for you. Celebrate the luggage stage because one day you will have a tantrum-prone 2 or 3 year old that you can't just cart around.