Divorce with an infant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truthfully don’t understand what divorce solves. Now you’re a single mom raising an infant spending money and time on and in court. That’s the life you did sign up for? I think you’re past the point of getting the life you wanted. Not to mention the statistics of kids growing up in a broken home are ABYSMAL. Most of life is dealing with consequences from earlier decisions - both good and bad. You married him knowing what he was like, and brought a child into that relationship. It’s not just about you anymore.

It would free OP up to find a better SO, and be less lonely. Maybe the kid could have a step parent who doesn't view spending time together as a burden.

1) do you remember dating? Like, at all? Not to mention even if she does have the necessary time and energy, a single mom in her 30s to an infant isn’t exactly getting her door beaten down. 2) What in the fresh hell are you talking about? You clearly have seen no research on children growing up without their own dad in the home. Sometimes it’s inevitable (death), but no - mom feeling lonely is not something you just flippantly divorce over and leave your child to deal with the consequences. Nearly every school shooter grew up without their dad. It’s freaking serious once kids are involved and just acting like it’s a casual decision is messed up AF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you need to give it more time. Right now you know that he hates parenting an infant. Okay. Many people feel this way. How is he going to be with a 6 yo? Will he be spending hours in the backyard kicking soccer goals with them and coach their team? Will he be more interested in a kid? I think you don't know yet.

. . .

Mom of teens and twenty somethings here. This describes my family to a T. Babyhood was all on my plate. But my spouse is a great parent to older kids. I barely have to be responsible for anything now. I don’t think i minded it as much as OP though. And we had a lot of give and take with chores and daycare drop off and we didn’t always have the same days off work. Just chiming in to reinforce what PP says about some people parenting better at different stages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you need to give it more time. Right now you know that he hates parenting an infant. Okay. Many people feel this way. How is he going to be with a 6 yo? Will he be spending hours in the backyard kicking soccer goals with them and coach their team? Will he be more interested in a kid? I think you don't know yet.

I'm not saying that you don't deserve to leave. He's being a royal jerk. But also think about what you are getting from the relationship currently and what else you could get him to contribute. Presumably he's helping pay living expenses and a rent/mortgage. He's also willing to take the baby for a whole day or parts of a day so you can have a break. What about chores? Does he pay bills, do the yard, wash dishes, give the baby a bath, etc? All of that would fall on you if you left. Don't take what he's providing for granted. You can always leave when the baby is bigger and is less needy. Hold tight and see how things go.

In the meantime think about starting to build a life for you and the baby. If you were single with a baby all weekend, what would you do? My guess is you'd make other friends with babies and start to form a network. Do that now. And if they have spouses he can meet to help build him a new friend circle, all the better.

Don't normalize the DH behavior. The feelings are normal, mayyyyybe. Many people dislike or struggle with this or that aspwct of parenting but we still DO IT because it's part of being a good parent, a good spouse (not making the other person do it all alone), and a decent person.

Who cares if he will suddenly be "better" (which I doubt) bc a 6yo is more "interesting" to him?? He's shown his true colors, which is IDGAF about OP or his child.

[Anonymous]

OP, if it were me, I think I'd give myself through the end of this year and maybe even into January to effectively live without my husband. I would stop engaging, basically stop communicating, and stop expecting him to do anything at all. Pretend as if he doesn't exist and make your own plans (I know that is hard with the holidays since they are such a family-oriented time). If that sounds exhausting, well, that's what it would be like to be a single mother. But at the very least it should give you an idea of what it would be like to not have him in your life (and maybe make him see what it would be like to not be in your life). Maybe it'll be a wake up call, for better or for worse, for both of you. I think right now in reading your post it sounds like you're just fighting the reality you find yourself in. Accepting it might not make you like it, but it's the first step to moving on to something else, whether it's a better marriage or divorce.

[Anonymous]

My husband was a lot like this before we got married and had kids and I called him out on it and he changed. If he wants to OP, he would. I’d start with therapy for yourself before jumping to divorce but your feelings are 100% valid.

[Anonymous]

Divorce and gift him 50% custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Truthfully don’t understand what divorce solves. Now you’re a single mom raising an infant spending money and time on and in court. That’s the life you did sign up for? I think you’re past the point of getting the life you wanted. Not to mention the statistics of kids growing up in a broken home are ABYSMAL. Most of life is dealing with consequences from earlier decisions - both good and bad. You married him knowing what he was like, and brought a child into that relationship. It’s not just about you anymore.

Really? Are they really? So half of the country has ABYSMAL prospects.? GTFOH

[Anonymous]

Does he have anyone in his life who is an older family man who could be his mentor, and by that I mean meet with him regularly and tell him to shape the f up because that’s what a real man does?

He also sounds depressed and perhaps pointing out that the baby phase is stressful but not eternal could help put things in perspective.

In the meantime, can you take Saturdays off and give him Sundays off?

[Anonymous]

I think this may be less unusual than people are admitting here. I’m dealing w something similar post baby and I know others who are too. It’s very difficult.

[Anonymous]

It’s the gambling that would worry me the most. I would get divorced just so he couldn’t negatively impact my finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is your relationship with your MIL? If it’s decent, one day ask her for “advice” on how she got her husband to be more engaged with the baby and mention. “John is struggling with that right now” and drop and example or two. If she’s at all decent, she will give her son a kick in the behind.

Yes, I manage my husband this way. I drop in an anecdote of some obnoxious behavior on DH’s part like it’s NBD. My in-laws are horrified and take him to task. I’ve been able to do this about every other year without others noticing how concurrent it is for me. He’s a better husband now that they’re finally done parenting him. Again, only works if you have good in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is your relationship with your MIL? If it’s decent, one day ask her for “advice” on how she got her husband to be more engaged with the baby and mention. “John is struggling with that right now” and drop and example or two. If she’s at all decent, she will give her son a kick in the behind.

Yes, I manage my husband this way. I drop in an anecdote of some obnoxious behavior on DH’s part like it’s NBD. My in-laws are horrified and take him to task. I’ve been able to do this about every other year without others noticing how convenient it is for me. He’s a better husband now that they’re finally done parenting him. Again, only works if you have good in-laws.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think this really rises to the level of divorce. This seems like you need to just solve for your own problems and then see where you end up.

You don’t want to sit alone on the weekends with the baby? Neither do I! I am a SAHM and my husband often works on the weekend or it’s his turn for alone time. Go out with the baby. Take classes. Make friends. Schedule play dates.

If your DH’s solo time with the baby is watching football, that’s not the worst thing. Use the time to relax however you like to, or take a class or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truthfully don’t understand what divorce solves. Now you’re a single mom raising an infant spending money and time on and in court. That’s the life you did sign up for? I think you’re past the point of getting the life you wanted. Not to mention the statistics of kids growing up in a broken home are ABYSMAL. Most of life is dealing with consequences from earlier decisions - both good and bad. You married him knowing what he was like, and brought a child into that relationship. It’s not just about you anymore.

It would free OP up to find a better SO, and be less lonely. Maybe the kid could have a step parent who doesn't view spending time together as a burden.

And if she doesn’t? She is a single parent 100% of the time and on one income and the kid has generational consequences.

I know a lot of women who married man-babies, OP. They end up being the adult in the relationship. Sometimes these men improve when the kids are older
and require less sacrifice. Whatever you do, be smart. Prioritize paying off any educational loans, or other debt during the marriage and fund a 529 for this kid now. Do not have more kids than you can care for alone (imagine what he would do with 2 in the mix)? If there is enough money for it, hire weekend help that he pays for for the hours he spends away. Even havi my another pair of hands while you are there takes some of the stress off. Show him what his fantasy habit is costing in reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is your relationship with your MIL? If it’s decent, one day ask her for “advice” on how she got her husband to be more engaged with the baby and mention. “John is struggling with that right now” and drop and example or two. If she’s at all decent, she will give her son a kick in the behind.

If she’s decent she will stay out of her son’s marriage.