Divorce with an infant?

[Anonymous]

I'd separate from him and see if that jolts some sense (and fear) into him.

This is way more than having a hard time finding babies interesting/not being an engaged parent when the kids are little.

I think if you "give it time," as has been suggested, all you're doing is reinforcing to him that you aren't really serious about this/it isn't a serious problem. And it is. The fact that his solution isn't to compromise and spend more time with his family and that he refuses to attend therapy ever isn't an indication that this will get better.

I'm sorry this is happening, but I'd be drastic and separate, and then follow through with divorce if that doesn't make an impression. Hindsight is 20/20 in these situations, in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truthfully don’t understand what divorce solves. Now you’re a single mom raising an infant spending money and time on and in court. That’s the life you did sign up for? I think you’re past the point of getting the life you wanted. Not to mention the statistics of kids growing up in a broken home are ABYSMAL. Most of life is dealing with consequences from earlier decisions - both good and bad. You married him knowing what he was like, and brought a child into that relationship. It’s not just about you anymore.

It would free OP up to find a better SO, and be less lonely. Maybe the kid could have a step parent who doesn't view spending time together as a burden.

Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you need to give it more time. Right now you know that he hates parenting an infant. Okay. Many people feel this way. How is he going to be with a 6 yo? Will he be spending hours in the backyard kicking soccer goals with them and coach their team? Will he be more interested in a kid? I think you don't know yet.

. . .

Mom of teens and twenty somethings here. This describes my family to a T. Babyhood was all on my plate. But my spouse is a great parent to older kids. I barely have to be responsible for anything now. I don’t think i minded it as much as OP though. And we had a lot of give and take with chores and daycare drop off and we didn’t always have the same days off work. Just chiming in to reinforce what PP says about some people parenting better at different stages.

Your husband was checked out all the time watching sports, betting on sports, and managing his fantasy sport leagues?

I have a lot of complaints about my husband's parenting and lack of engagement. But compared to this guy he's father of the year.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is normal or acceptable. Even if DH wasn't a "baby person," he should recognize that it's his kid and his responsibility to take care of at least part of the time. It may just not be as enjoyable as it would be with a 10 year old. But that's what he signed up for.

Also, even if he becomes a better parent when your kid is older, will you ever get over the resentment of him totally checking out when your son was a baby? I wouldn't.

I think you have one of two options -

1) separate

2) Behave as if you're separated without formally doing it. Plan your own life, make your own friends, live your life how you want and stop expecting your DH to participate. Don't take him into consideration. Don't want to see your in-laws for Christmas? Great. No need to.

Either way, something needs to change. This is unsustainable and he doesn't get to cosplay daddy the five minutes a week that its convenient for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Truthfully don’t understand what divorce solves. Now you’re a single mom raising an infant spending money and time on and in court. That’s the life you did sign up for? I think you’re past the point of getting the life you wanted. Not to mention the statistics of kids growing up in a broken home are ABYSMAL. Most of life is dealing with consequences from earlier decisions - both good and bad. You married him knowing what he was like, and brought a child into that relationship. It’s not just about you anymore.

Repeat after me: correlation <> causation. The kids end up troubled due to the parents’ issues that led to divorce, not the divorce per se. You simply can’t control for that in studies.

[Anonymous]

A lot of posters are skimming over the fact that this guy had a stillborn with OP. That is massively traumatic. Beyond just adapting to the difficulties of having a newborn, he may also be dealing with unresolved grief, trauma, and guilt over the loss of that baby. OP have you guys been to therapy or had grief counseling? I mean, I can see a situation where he has PTSD or trauma from that experience, has unresolved grief, is terrified of losing this new baby, and feels guilt that that your first baby didn’t survive, and feels guilt for enjoying this baby, and is terrified to get close to the baby, is using avoidance of mom and this new baby and sports and gambling to numb himself from his feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it’s not normal. His old is he? You married a child. Didn’t he do these things before the baby?

This. I mean, I could have told you he was not ready to have a baby. Most guys don't just miraculously change. I would not have had a baby with a guy who chooses to spend his entire Saturday away from me every single weekend and who is up playing video games for hours every night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm never the one to say jump to divorce, but honestly...you need to leave him. At least separate and see what it's like. You don't need two kids to raise. I cannot even imagine how frustrating this must be for you. Your son is young enough that he won't remember. You deserve a partner who wants to be a dad.

This is bad advice because she is likely going to have to share custody and she’s not gonna be able to trust him with the baby. It is very difficult for mothers to get full custody now.

It doesn't sound like he will be remotely interested in his half of custody. When the baby is 2 or 3, he will become even less interested. OP and her child deserve a caring and involved husband/father and right now they don't have one. OP has nothing to lose by leaving and everything to gain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s the gambling that would worry me the most. I would get divorced just so he couldn’t negatively impact my finances.

Agree on the gambling. OP, are you sure you know how much $ he’s spending/losing on that?

Might want to pull credit reports and make sure you know about all debt, and keep an eye on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of posters are skimming over the fact that this guy had a stillborn with OP. That is massively traumatic. Beyond just adapting to the difficulties of having a newborn, he may also be dealing with unresolved grief, trauma, and guilt over the loss of that baby. OP have you guys been to therapy or had grief counseling? I mean, I can see a situation where he has PTSD or trauma from that experience, has unresolved grief, is terrified of losing this new baby, and feels guilt that that your first baby didn’t survive, and feels guilt for enjoying this baby, and is terrified to get close to the baby, is using avoidance of mom and this new baby and sports and gambling to numb himself from his feelings.

OP said he won't go and has vowed never to go. If he won't address that I'm not sure how OP is supposed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of posters are skimming over the fact that this guy had a stillborn with OP. That is massively traumatic. Beyond just adapting to the difficulties of having a newborn, he may also be dealing with unresolved grief, trauma, and guilt over the loss of that baby. OP have you guys been to therapy or had grief counseling? I mean, I can see a situation where he has PTSD or trauma from that experience, has unresolved grief, is terrified of losing this new baby, and feels guilt that that your first baby didn’t survive, and feels guilt for enjoying this baby, and is terrified to get close to the baby, is using avoidance of mom and this new baby and sports and gambling to numb himself from his feelings.

Agree - if he won’t go to couples counseling, maybe he will go to individual counseling. Especially if op says she is going too and verbalizes that it is hard for her too. Op may or may not be feeling the things that the pp wrote above but saying them out loud may get her dh to open up. Especially as she said he was really looking forward to family time before they lost their first baby (so, sorry for your loss, op). There is likely a lot to sort out for both of them and they are each dealing with it in their own way. They had a major tragedy and that should not be overlooked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm never the one to say jump to divorce, but honestly...you need to leave him. At least separate and see what it's like. You don't need two kids to raise. I cannot even imagine how frustrating this must be for you. Your son is young enough that he won't remember. You deserve a partner who wants to be a dad.

This is bad advice because she is likely going to have to share custody and she’s not gonna be able to trust him with the baby. It is very difficult for mothers to get full custody now.

It doesn't sound like he will be remotely interested in his half of custody. When the baby is 2 or 3, he will become even less interested. OP and her child deserve a caring and involved husband/father and right now they don't have one. OP has nothing to lose by leaving and everything to gain.

I thought that… but many do suddenly want custody because they don’t wanna pay a lot of child support. You have to pay a lot if the woman has full custody, and a lot of men will take half custody just because they don’t wanna pay that money. Ask me how I know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm never the one to say jump to divorce, but honestly...you need to leave him. At least separate and see what it's like. You don't need two kids to raise. I cannot even imagine how frustrating this must be for you. Your son is young enough that he won't remember. You deserve a partner who wants to be a dad.

This is bad advice because she is likely going to have to share custody and she’s not gonna be able to trust him with the baby. It is very difficult for mothers to get full custody now.

It doesn't sound like he will be remotely interested in his half of custody. When the baby is 2 or 3, he will become even less interested. OP and her child deserve a caring and involved husband/father and right now they don't have one. OP has nothing to lose by leaving and everything to gain.

I thought that… but many do suddenly want custody because they don’t wanna pay a lot of child support. You have to pay a lot if the woman has full custody, and a lot of men will take half custody just because they don’t wanna pay that money. Ask me how I know

But will OP want him to have half custody when he's so checked out? She might as well stay married so she can properly parent the child full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm never the one to say jump to divorce, but honestly...you need to leave him. At least separate and see what it's like. You don't need two kids to raise. I cannot even imagine how frustrating this must be for you. Your son is young enough that he won't remember. You deserve a partner who wants to be a dad.

This is bad advice because she is likely going to have to share custody and she’s not gonna be able to trust him with the baby. It is very difficult for mothers to get full custody now.

It doesn't sound like he will be remotely interested in his half of custody. When the baby is 2 or 3, he will become even less interested. OP and her child deserve a caring and involved husband/father and right now they don't have one. OP has nothing to lose by leaving and everything to gain.

I thought that… but many do suddenly want custody because they don’t wanna pay a lot of child support. You have to pay a lot if the woman has full custody, and a lot of men will take half custody just because they don’t wanna pay that money. Ask me how I know

This is true, although I ended up making a deal with my ex to let him off the hook financially for anything related to our child in exchange for about 1/5 parenting time. I have a good job and family money, so our child was in no way "robbed" and I did it to get child out of what became an unhealthy situation. Once we divorced parenting time from money and support, he started disappearing for months at a time. OP, step one is individual therapy. Go from there and take your time. My story has a happy ending for what it's worth (remarried, had more kids, happier in my family life than most people I know in spite of the challenges with my oldest and his dad). My ex was the same way plus developed substance abuse problems and had an affair (my saving grace that allowed me to move on). We married way too young because we were both heavily influenced by our religion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm never the one to say jump to divorce, but honestly...you need to leave him. At least separate and see what it's like. You don't need two kids to raise. I cannot even imagine how frustrating this must be for you. Your son is young enough that he won't remember. You deserve a partner who wants to be a dad.

This is bad advice because she is likely going to have to share custody and she’s not gonna be able to trust him with the baby. It is very difficult for mothers to get full custody now.

It doesn't sound like he will be remotely interested in his half of custody. When the baby is 2 or 3, he will become even less interested. OP and her child deserve a caring and involved husband/father and right now they don't have one. OP has nothing to lose by leaving and everything to gain.

I thought that… but many do suddenly want custody because they don’t wanna pay a lot of child support. You have to pay a lot if the woman has full custody, and a lot of men will take half custody just because they don’t wanna pay that money. Ask me how I know

This is true, although I ended up making a deal with my ex to let him off the hook financially for anything related to our child in exchange for about 1/5 parenting time. I have a good job and family money, so our child was in no way "robbed" and I did it to get child out of what became an unhealthy situation. Once we divorced parenting time from money and support, he started disappearing for months at a time. OP, step one is individual therapy. Go from there and take your time. My story has a happy ending for what it's worth (remarried, had more kids, happier in my family life than most people I know in spite of the challenges with my oldest and his dad). My ex was the same way plus developed substance abuse problems and had an affair (my saving grace that allowed me to move on). We married way too young because we were both heavily influenced by our religion.

My ex would not do that. I tried. He still wanted 50/50 for the optics, too.