Divorce with an infant?

[Anonymous]

You need to get out too. Take the baby or not. Life goes on.

[Anonymous]

The dude has a gambling problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is normal for men.

I really wish women can stop being perpetually surprised at this behavior.

Nope. I know zero men like this. It’s not too much to ask for an equal partner in this day and age.

You are wrong. Most men ARE like this. I am mid 40s. This has been the norm historically. I am not PP.

I am mid 40s also and I haven’t met a single man like this. I don’t care if “most” men are. There are definitely communities where it’s far out of the norm and looked down on to neglect your kids and family.

I have not met a single man who is NOT like this. Women do most of the work whether they work or not. I have never ever seen a man be an equal partner at home. Ever.

Very sad for you. Off the top of my head I can name 40-50 men in our immediate circle of friends/acquaintances/colleagues who are equal contributors on the home front. As in, doing all the cooking, half the cleaning, taking kids to practices and play dates, thinking about and reading parenting books, and generally being present and mature and not phoning it in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is normal for men.

I really wish women can stop being perpetually surprised at this behavior.

Nope. I know zero men like this. It’s not too much to ask for an equal partner in this day and age.

You are wrong. Most men ARE like this. I am mid 40s. This has been the norm historically. I am not PP.

I am mid 40s also and I haven’t met a single man like this. I don’t care if “most” men are. There are definitely communities where it’s far out of the norm and looked down on to neglect your kids and family.

I have not met a single man who is NOT like this. Women do most of the work whether they work or not. I have never ever seen a man be an equal partner at home. Ever.

NP. Slightly less than the majority of men I grew up with in a rural, conservative area are like OP’s lame DH—tons of great dads/husbands too. Maybe around 25% among those in the highly educated area where I live now. People who say all men are like this are delusional and sexist. But none of that helps OP, who is married to a gambler who is not interested in being a parent. I’m sorry, OP, but there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Cut your losses.

[Anonymous]

Curious as to what married life was like with this man-child husband addicted to screens, gambling, etc? Not even my teenage/twenty something sons would be this interested in fantasy land.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious as to what married life was like with this man-child husband addicted to screens, gambling, etc? Not even my teenage/twenty something sons would be this interested in fantasy land.

It ends in divorce. My ex was like this. He is an attorney. On screens coming home til sleep. No involvement with anything whatsover. Before kids even. I wanted out. Everyone said "give it more time." Accident pregnancy made me stay for years because he literally could not be alone with a small child. I did not leave the house for 6 years. I am serious. Had to wait years to be able to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you think it’s bad for him to take the baby to watch sports or go to a basketball game.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get out too. Take the baby or not. Life goes on.

Noooo! Your job is to protect the baby! And yourself. But you're an adult so really do try to focus on the baby ok?
If that means get out, do it. If that means stay, do it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your husband is definitely addicted to sports.

Also looks like your husband is not dealing w/reality as well.

Having a child means life is no longer about only YOU.

It means you need to recognize that you now are responsible for another human being & that sacrifices need to be made for that.

Your husband seems very immature, selfish + irresponsible.
If you have talked to him and he still hasn’t changed then marital counseling would be the next logical step to take, but since your husband is adamantly opposed to it then you have two options to consider.

Option #1 - Remain in your marriage and live the rest of your years in extreme misery.
Or:

Option #2 - See a divorce attorney stat and file to get away from this toxic idiot.

I think you should choose the latter option. Sure it will not be a cakewalk > but anything is better than living w/a selfish rat like you are now.
I am so sorry OP.
I wish only the very best for you and your child. 💙

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you think it’s bad for him to take the baby to watch sports or go to a basketball game.

+1

Because the husband is only doing it to avoid looking like a total schmuck.

And he needs to be spending the time with both his wife AND his child.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for all the comments. A couple thoughts:

1. I am in therapy. I have been in therapy since our first was stillborn
2. He is not interested in attending couple's counseling, so I intend to go alone.
3. I do realize hindsight is 20/20. If I go back I obviously would change my circumstances. I thought he would slow down on how much he was going out with his friends and his video game habit. Instead what has happened was he stays up all night and tries to take care of the baby the next day and refuses to accept that he is an irritable person because he has slept 4 hours. He is interested in short term satisfaction. Wants to watch sports all the time, hang out with his friends all the time, and take care of baby.
4. None of our friends (besides 1) have children. Most of the men he hangs out with are single and/or not married. So I know he feels left out in his friend group.
5. He is selfish and stubborn.
6. I do not want to get divorced but I absolutely cannot stay in this marriage like this. I am miserable. I have had a really challenging couple years in-between our loss and all the trauma surrounding that, and now basically taking care of the baby mostly alone, including attending family events alone. I just want to be happy and I feel miserable. I don't know what to do if he is not interested in counseling. I just don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Another guy here, a bit older.

I love sports too and watch or attend as many games as I can, which became easier when I could take one or more of the kids with me. I also coached their teams and attended their games in high school.

The gambling is likely why he is mopey. That is a HUGE issue and one that as another suggested, needs to be addressed. Keep finances separate or at least keep a separate account for you and the household.

And the video gaming is another red flag. WTF. I know that is generational but he needs to be more present with his family.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP. Such a tough situation. You have my support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the comments. A couple thoughts:

1. I am in therapy. I have been in therapy since our first was stillborn
2. He is not interested in attending couple's counseling, so I intend to go alone.
3. I do realize hindsight is 20/20. If I go back I obviously would change my circumstances. I thought he would slow down on how much he was going out with his friends and his video game habit. Instead what has happened was he stays up all night and tries to take care of the baby the next day and refuses to accept that he is an irritable person because he has slept 4 hours. He is interested in short term satisfaction. Wants to watch sports all the time, hang out with his friends all the time, and take care of baby.
4. None of our friends (besides 1) have children. Most of the men he hangs out with are single and/or not married. So I know he feels left out in his friend group.
5. He is selfish and stubborn.
6. I do not want to get divorced but I absolutely cannot stay in this marriage like this. I am miserable. I have had a really challenging couple years in-between our loss and all the trauma surrounding that, and now basically taking care of the baby mostly alone, including attending family events alone. I just want to be happy and I feel miserable. I don't know what to do if he is not interested in counseling. I just don't know what to do.

I’d give the divorce ultimatum. Couples therapy plus cutting way back on time away from his family or you want to separate. Of course, you have to be prepared for the fact that he might prefer to separate. I’m sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the comments. A couple thoughts:

1. I am in therapy. I have been in therapy since our first was stillborn
2. He is not interested in attending couple's counseling, so I intend to go alone.
3. I do realize hindsight is 20/20. If I go back I obviously would change my circumstances. I thought he would slow down on how much he was going out with his friends and his video game habit. Instead what has happened was he stays up all night and tries to take care of the baby the next day and refuses to accept that he is an irritable person because he has slept 4 hours. He is interested in short term satisfaction. Wants to watch sports all the time, hang out with his friends all the time, and take care of baby.
4. None of our friends (besides 1) have children. Most of the men he hangs out with are single and/or not married. So I know he feels left out in his friend group.
5. He is selfish and stubborn.
6. I do not want to get divorced but I absolutely cannot stay in this marriage like this. I am miserable. I have had a really challenging couple years in-between our loss and all the trauma surrounding that, and now basically taking care of the baby mostly alone, including attending family events alone. I just want to be happy and I feel miserable. I don't know what to do if he is not interested in counseling. I just don't know what to do.

I’d give the divorce ultimatum. Couples therapy plus cutting way back on time away from his family or you want to separate. Of course, you have to be prepared for the fact that he might prefer to separate. I’m sorry you are going through this.

I'm so sorry OP. This definitely sounds miserable and untenable. I had a stint when my kids were young where my husband was rarely around because of work and it caused a lot of friction because it seemed to me that not only could he ever say no, he didn't want to. I remember the lonely feeling of attending so many things on my own.

I don't know that I'd give the divorce ultimatum, but could you leave for a week to catch your breath? Do you get along with your parents? It might give you time to clear your head and jolt him into reality. And if it doesn't then I think you have a lot to think about. It's possible that he is still traumatized from the loss of your first baby but just can't process it. But if he's not, and he doesn't want to compromise, or go to therapy, well, is this what you want forever?