Divorce with an infant?

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a really good sign he’s willing to take the baby to his events.

After we had our first kid, honestly, our lives DIDN’T change that much. DD came along to vineyards and weekend trips to Vegas. It was all a lot of fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very curious what your marriage was like pre-baby. What did you enjoy doing together? How was/is your sex life? This conversation seems to be focused on your life as co-parents, which is critical, but even if that improves, what about your life as a married couple?

If I were in this situation and had the financial means I would divorce before my child was old enough to remember their parents married. I'm sorry. I believe we put too much stock in an intact family and the burden of that usually falls on the mother, and it's not worth it.

Agreed. OP, you say you’ve been together and he’s been this way for 10 years, although you hoped the baby would change him. What were you guys doing prior to the last 10 months?

[Anonymous]

I was with my spouse for 10 years and left when our DD was 9 months. Best decision, ever. I wanted to leave while pregnant, but felt so much pressure from my family and friends as they were so excited for baby. I'm lucky, though, that I have family nearby and are pitching in to help.

There were a lot, a lot of issues. Romantically, financially (on his part), and alcohol. Our divorce was very straightforward, so I was also lucky with that.

I'll add that I"m also not one to jump to divorce. But in your gut, you know. Many times, things will not get better and I think it's truly rare that people make long-lasting change. Make friends with other single parents, or heck, just other parents- making friends at work and getting to know them, I found out so many more are single, re-married, etc., than I thought.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

I think people are missing some signs that this guy may be a major gambling addict. This has to be figured out.

[Anonymous]

You're divorcing your infant?

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like an immature man-child. It's a shame you chose to bring a child into the world with him and expected him to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you need to give it more time. Right now you know that he hates parenting an infant. Okay. Many people feel this way. How is he going to be with a 6 yo? Will he be spending hours in the backyard kicking soccer goals with them and coach their team? Will he be more interested in a kid? I think you don't know yet.

I'm not saying that you don't deserve to leave. He's being a royal jerk. But also think about what you are getting from the relationship currently and what else you could get him to contribute. Presumably he's helping pay living expenses and a rent/mortgage. He's also willing to take the baby for a whole day or parts of a day so you can have a break. What about chores? Does he pay bills, do the yard, wash dishes, give the baby a bath, etc? All of that would fall on you if you left. Don't take what he's providing for granted. You can always leave when the baby is bigger and is less needy. Hold tight and see how things go.

In the meantime think about starting to build a life for you and the baby. If you were single with a baby all weekend, what would you do? My guess is you'd make other friends with babies and start to form a network. Do that now. And if they have spouses he can meet to help build him a new friend circle, all the better.

Don't normalize the DH behavior. The feelings are normal, mayyyyybe. Many people dislike or struggle with this or that aspwct of parenting but we still DO IT because it's part of being a good parent, a good spouse (not making the other person do it all alone), and a decent person.

Who cares if he will suddenly be "better" (which I doubt) bc a 6yo is more "interesting" to him?? He's shown his true colors, which is IDGAF about OP or his child.

Thank you! I HATE when people trot out this old tired trope about men having a hard time with infants. SO WHAT. It's part of parenting. I'm the mom, and I have a second grader who's into sports. I don't like watching 8 year olds play soccer for half of my weekend. But I still go to games, make sure his uniforms are washed, get him to practice along with DH. Because it's my job as his mom and sometimes we have to do things we don't like, that are important for others.

[Anonymous]

I have a video game playing sports obsessed husband. We now have 3 kids and my oldest is a teenager.

Dh is not as bad as yours but over the years, I have blown up multiple times and I swear I was going to divorce him when he was trying to beat some looooong video game when he had a baby and toddler.

the past two weekends i wanted to go out to see holiday lights. he had to watch world cup and football. you kind of get used to it. dh is not a bad guy. he makes a good living and likes to play sports with the kids and takes kids to sports.

i have a friend who sounds like yours. he didnt help with baby and they almost divorced. they have one daughter and when daughter got older, dad became a total tennis dad. they play, do tournaments, watch us open, etc. i think both parents sometimes regret not having another. the guy still doesnt help with housework. my friend accepted it and thought it is stupid to get divorced over chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a lot of flippant posters suggesting divorce who clearly don’t understand how much a divorce can destroy the lives of children and grandchildren. I have lived through two divorces of my dad and I deal with the consequences still now as an adult. It impacts everything. And remarriage makes the lives of your children and grandchildren very difficult, so many more families and dynamics to navigate. There’s never enough time for everyone and it’s exhausting figuring out every holiday with 4 sets of grandparents. We also get far less support from them since step parents don’t feel the obligation to help their step grandchildren the way my friends whose parents remained married seem to and always prioritize their bio kids.

Divorce is not just something you resort to when the first year of your life is hard after a baby. News flash - the first year after a baby is born sucks for most people. This is backed by evidence. Parenting is hard and it can be a huge disconnect to realize that after you have longed for it for so long (and the. realize you basically lost your freedom and ruined your existing life as you knew it). Happiness does not increase after divorce (studies show this) due to increased stressors of single parenting, finances, etc. take your marriage vows seriously and try and work on yourself and your marriage. You’re owe it to your kid.

Go away. OP's husband doesn't seem to want a wife and kids. Nothing OP can do to change that. While a baby is a lot of work, DH and I were a team and we did it together and supported each other and took care of each other while also taking care of the baby and adjusting to our new leave. I literally cannot imagine my DH acting like OP's husband.

OPs husband is acting immaturely but do you suggest divorce after every rough patch in the marriage? No, you do not. Or you will find yourself divorced, remarrying someone, and then having issues with them because you never figured out that 1) all marriages have difficult times and rough patches; 2) marriages take work - a lot of it; 3) there will be good and bad times, always. There are issues here but every marriage has issues. It’s unfair to project your feelings and expectations about your husbsnd onto OP.

The baby will want his or her parent married. I don’t hear there is abuse, alcoholism, or neglect. I don’t hear that the dad is a gambling addict, just that he has a hobby he enjoys too much and he isn’t prioritizing what OP wants him to, which is family. I suspect he is having a difficult time adjusting to being a dad and probably has a ton of unresolved trauma and grief from a stillborn child. OP needs a therapist first before she should even consider a divorce. She needs to be able to tell her kiddo she did everything she could to fight for her marriage. She can’t say that right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a video game playing sports obsessed husband. We now have 3 kids and my oldest is a teenager.

Dh is not as bad as yours but over the years, I have blown up multiple times and I swear I was going to divorce him when he was trying to beat some looooong video game when he had a baby and toddler.

the past two weekends i wanted to go out to see holiday lights. he had to watch world cup and football. you kind of get used to it. dh is not a bad guy. he makes a good living and likes to play sports with the kids and takes kids to sports.

i have a friend who sounds like yours. he didnt help with baby and they almost divorced. they have one daughter and when daughter got older, dad became a total tennis dad. they play, do tournaments, watch us open, etc. i think both parents sometimes regret not having another. the guy still doesnt help with housework. my friend accepted it and thought it is stupid to get divorced over chores.

Me again. DH plays a lot less video games now but he still loves sports.

Men’s lives don’t seem to have to change completely when becoming a parent. DH’s body didn’t carry the baby. He didn’t need to breastfeed or pump. He didn’t stop working for maternity leave.

OP, things will change when Dh’s friends all have wives and kids too.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my ex husband minus the sports. I was the only one that did anything with the kids until they went to elementary school.. zero. Yet he managed to demand 50-50, custody in elementary school. I could not trust him with little kids and so I waited until the kids were old enough so I could leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm never the one to say jump to divorce, but honestly...you need to leave him. At least separate and see what it's like. You don't need two kids to raise. I cannot even imagine how frustrating this must be for you. Your son is young enough that he won't remember. You deserve a partner who wants to be a dad.

This is bad advice because she is likely going to have to share custody and she’s not gonna be able to trust him with the baby. It is very difficult for mothers to get full custody now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you need to give it more time. Right now you know that he hates parenting an infant. Okay. Many people feel this way. How is he going to be with a 6 yo? Will he be spending hours in the backyard kicking soccer goals with them and coach their team? Will he be more interested in a kid? I think you don't know yet.

I'm not saying that you don't deserve to leave. He's being a royal jerk. But also think about what you are getting from the relationship currently and what else you could get him to contribute. Presumably he's helping pay living expenses and a rent/mortgage. He's also willing to take the baby for a whole day or parts of a day so you can have a break. What about chores? Does he pay bills, do the yard, wash dishes, give the baby a bath, etc? All of that would fall on you if you left. Don't take what he's providing for granted. You can always leave when the baby is bigger and is less needy. Hold tight and see how things go.

In the meantime think about starting to build a life for you and the baby. If you were single with a baby all weekend, what would you do? My guess is you'd make other friends with babies and start to form a network. Do that now. And if they have spouses he can meet to help build him a new friend circle, all the better.

Don't normalize the DH behavior. The feelings are normal, mayyyyybe. Many people dislike or struggle with this or that aspwct of parenting but we still DO IT because it's part of being a good parent, a good spouse (not making the other person do it all alone), and a decent person.

Who cares if he will suddenly be "better" (which I doubt) bc a 6yo is more "interesting" to him?? He's shown his true colors, which is IDGAF about OP or his child.

This has been the norm for several generations. Many many marriages are a woman basically being a single parent. I know because I was in one and most of my friends have the same situation where the dad does absolutely nothing until the kid goes to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this may be less unusual than people are admitting here. I’m dealing w something similar post baby and I know others who are too. It’s very difficult.

I fully agree with this. I’m not saying it’s OK or that you shouldn’t be frustrated but what you are experiencing is extremely common so don’t feel alone or that no one else has felt this. Divorce risk spikes after the birth of the first child and it is a time of heightened stress and dysregulation for a lot of families. The introduction of a new person that you are responsible for caring for is extremely difficult and it should be respected as such. I agree with you, your husband should make an effort to participate in family activities and he is not behaving in a way that is fair to you or that respects your needs. I also think that, if you love him and believe him to be a responsible partner who would never put your physical or financial safety at risk, you should wait before initiating divorce. Personally, I would not get a divorce during a particularly emotional and volatile time in your lives.

please don’t feel like you are alone, though. Jokes about moms dragging their husbands to apple picking, or community events, or family activities abound. This does not make it right and it is a cultural norm that is unfair to women but it is one and I have seen plenty of women experience disappointment at how their husbands are not proactively involved in planning and enjoying family activities. And, when you see those happy families with the husbands participating in whatever the event is, don’t assume that everyone else has it all figured out. Plenty of posters on here will tell you that their husbands are amazing and do all of it and they will let it be known but, behind closed doors, there are a lot of husbands that prioritize what they want over family outings. You don’t have to put up with this and you can get a divorce if this trend continues but I just really hope you don’t feel like it’s just you experiencing it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry you're going through this. I'd suggest some advanced planning by sitting down and making a schedule for the week, outlining how you'd like to spend your time. I.e., you will do bath/ bedtime routine together 3 nights a week, and then you will both have two nights "free." Emphasize the three nights together are important because it helps the baby to see the bond as a family. On Saturdays you'll participate in an activity of his choosing and on Sundays, one of yours. Try to fit in a date night once a month. I assume your baby still takes two naps a day -- Maybe on Sundays during the late afternoon nap he can go watch football -- whatever -- and on Saturdays that's your free time to leave the house and do as you wish. I'd just make sure to work yourself into the schedule for personal time so that he remembers you still have interests and needs outside of being a caregiver.

I know I am oversimplifying the issue here, but if you can get him on board to commit to a compromise you might find you enjoy it, too. Divorce is so hard on everyone it's worth exhausting some options.