Never get second or third date. Why am I so easy to pass over?

[Anonymous]

I guess amazing vacay pix is the flip side of the guy on the couch in every photo lol.

[Anonymous]

You are interpreting profile “filler” literally - people all say the same crap about travel and adventure and outdoorsy nonsense. Also as pp stated you sound annoying. No one is going to scale mt Everest with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back with a few points …

1 - Yes, I figure someone would say “omg you wrote a wall of text, therefore you talk too much.” I do not talk on dates the way I write asking for self-help on an anonymous forum.
2 - Yes, I do honestly think I’m a 7/10. Am I allowed to say that? I have a great body, I am put together when I go out, and I smile and look people in the eye. I’m not strikingly gorgeous (don’t have bright eyes or high cheekbones or anything that screams WOW) but I have nice clear skin and good hygiene… at worst my face is on the plainer side of attractive, but I have a great figure.
3 - I love the ideas of “mock dates” with close male friends, and I do have a lot male friends. One has said that I may come off as “intimidating” or “too much” to some and that I need a “particular kind of guy”
4 - To clarify, I don’t really bring up politics or religion…. I do vet matches online for it just for compatibility reasons. I guess I sort of naturally feel it out through a conversation that a guy has a values system that isn’t too disparate, that he has a world view that I can appreciate.
5 - To those who say never ask if a guy wants to see me again. Point taken, and no i don’t usually, although one good relationship I had was when I asked the guy out first. I guess even in the 21st century biological instincts for men to do the chasing are still there. I just hate the games and would rather be clear and up front
6 - Yes, I really do have a hunch that it is the laying out too many “epic stories” and trying too hard thing. Interestingly, two recent rejection texts I have gotten were along the lines of “I had a lot of fun hanging out with you, I like how you are so passionate about XYZ, and you have a fascinating life, but I just don’t see this going anywhere” So they say it like those things are pluses, but the fact that they bring them up in a rejection text makes it sound like they are actually in fact minuses.
7 - Lastly, the part about being myself vs trying too hard… thing is, being really active and traveling IS who I am. Sure, I like my DC area job, but it doesn’t define me as much as my experiences mountain climbing abroad for example or my more athletic side. I know it’s pretty basic to say “I like traveling and being outdoors” but when I say it, I mean it, and I bring it up to make sure a guy is on board with my more active lifestyle and would one day like to join me on my adventures in off-the-beaten-path places. (And we’ll split the cost evenly!) I am not necessarily trying to brag, but trying to get across that I’m not into Netflix and chill and board games and staying inside. Pandemic or no pandemic.

If you are a "7" in the face department with a "great body" they the only reason men are not continuing with a relationship is you personality. Not being mean, just being honest. At the start of dating men are very simple. They want you physically or mentally. You are not meeting either of those needs.

I think #7 is the problem. It's not that you have to hide this aspect of yourself. But when you meet these guys, it's not on top of a mountain, right? It's not at Everest Base Camp or in the Amazon, I assume? Or in a glade in Rock Creek Park. You meet at a coffee shop or a bar or something? So going to coffee shops or bars is ALSO part of your life. Living in a regular city is part of your life. You sound a bit like you are putting on a performance about how yoru regular life is not satisfying and you are TRULY something different, something unlike them...and that is fine, but they are saying, OK, but I live in DC here, have a nice time enjoying your passion, bye.

TBH, your insistence on being something else, someone who is only truly herself when she's somewhere else, sounds like an emotional level of immaturity that you haven't resolved for yourself. Lots of people love the outdoors. You don't have to screen for that on a first date. You don't have to find out if the person is willing to backpack through Senegal with you. Find out if you have a connection first. Then you can go hiking together. Maybe the right guy for you is not a hiker, but he'll start to do it because he's into you. Maybe YOU will find something new you like to do because your date does. The connection is what you need to chase. The first date is NOT the time to screen out people for minor stuff like hobbies, because unless they are into something truly weird, all hobbies are malleable and subject to change.

+1 to this comment. Try to be present this the date you are with. Maybe this means doing something together rather than just conversing? But when you are conversing -- converse! Have a dialogue, where you actually are going back and forth and listening and are surprised by what you say. It really sounds like you are just talking at them. You will not get a second date if you keep doing that.

OP here and…fair points, both of you.
Regarding the emotional maturity, that definitely was the case a few years ago, when I was all but giving up on DC and didn’t have much of a career or a good living situation. Now I own a home, have a job that I love, and am more secure financially and enjoy the city and what it offers. I don’t *require* that a man goes to Everest base camp with me. The point of me emphasizing that I’m active is that it’s a priority and a lifestyle. Lots of people say they enjoy “fitness” or being “outdoors” or “travel” but only for the aesthetics of it, and don’t prioritize it over things like drinking or working extra hours or gaming.
Unfortunately I think there’s a bit of the dating market value thing. Guys who are rugged outdoor adventures or international travelers are often snatched up pretty quickly, and from my experience, not always by women who are into the same thing….usually by women who are both more attractive and more traditional, or sometimes by women who are just entirely different. The kind of men who end up liking me are more introverted, indoorsy types who could spend the whole day in front of screens. Some of these guys make great friends, and they aren’t necessarily unattractive, but our lifestyles aren’t compatible.
Maybe there’s just an opposites attract kind of thing going on?

Turning in for the night, but last point I’ll make is that male platonic friends of mine have described me as “intense” and “really really into your own thing” Another thing I’ve been told is that I seem “guarded” sexually… like I am too overly concerned as being seen as hookup material that I don’t convey sexuality at all… I do honestly feel a little stiff and shy physically when I meet someone, even if I’m attracted to them.

There are absolutely tons of active guys in DC who are "rugged outdoor adventurers or international travelers," and they are not being "snatched up" by anyone at an elevated rate.

Tell us what you mean by "prioritize it over other things."

You are right that men often end up with women who don't necessarily share all their interests. This is true in reverse as well. This is -not- an opposites attract thing. Liking travel or the outdoors simply isn't a core personality trait. That would be like saying that since I like crab and my wife doesn't opposites attract.

Also, on being "guarded sexually," there are plenty of such women and they do just fine dating, not everyone hops from bed to bed. (though there are a lot of such people on dating apps)

I think you are getting close to the real reason at the end of your post with the part about being "intense."

Being intense isn't unusual and doesn't undermine dating prospects. There are tons of intense men and women in DC, and tons of (not necessarily intense) people happy to date them.

What I suspect is that you come across as -nuts- which is a different problem. You avoid sharing any of these experiences you say you tell guys about, or your political views, etc.

My read is that either your delivery is completely off the mark, or your stories/views are nuts. (or both)

[Anonymous]

Plan more active first dates. Like walk with coffee or meet for a bike ride. Arboretum or rock creek hike. Hains Point golf. Make it less of an interview/meeting.

[Anonymous]

“Really really into your own thing” coupled with your excessive focus on how great you are reads as self absorbed and arrogant

[Anonymous]

Clearing the air on politics and religion on the first date? Unless you work for a more extreme group or you are studying to be a rabbi, this really isn’t important

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I’m saying this isn’t important on a first date. Politics and religion are things you approach naturally later unless it’s an extreme situation where ut defines who you are.

[Anonymous]

People looking to settle down aren’t going to prioritize your epic travel lifestyle. That’s not what they want.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your two year old pic of you is not as close to your current look as you think. You talk too much in an annoying way about yourself- and you initially press for future dates?

You sound annoying and high maintenance. You do not need to “clear the air” about politics and religion on a first date. Have you had an online messaging conversation prior?

I get Lena Dunham vibes from your post. Do you talk about your “time on the hill” as an intern too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Really really into your own thing” coupled with your excessive focus on how great you are reads as self absorbed and arrogant

+1 winner winner chicken dinner.

[Anonymous]

Agreed with the poster who said STOP TALKING SO MUCH

Please do that and be a listener instead of the talker. Don’t tell him your life story, hold that sh*t back. Be a bit more mysterious.

And HAVE MORE SEX APPEAL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Really really into your own thing” coupled with your excessive focus on how great you are reads as self absorbed and arrogant

+1 winner winner chicken dinner.

NP.. IMO, based on what OP stated about how she seems to like the introverted guys, you are chasing the wrong type of guys. Most of these types of guys don't want intense partners.

There is a bit of opposite attracts, but compatibility is also important.

I once got set up with a guy by a friend. He was introverted, and found me "intense". I am assertive and love to travel. But, I am fairly introverted when it comes to dating, and "guarded sexually". I hardly dated.

What drew me to my DH was the love of travel and good food. When I met DH, I didn't have much travel experience, but I knew I wanted to travel, and I met someone who loves to travel and experience new things. He also wanted someone to travel with and try new foods. We are both foodies.

That kind of compatibility is important. If the guys that OP is meeting aren't really into the intense types of travel that OP likes, then they aren't going to see a future with her.

I know a guy who is introverted, and a very extroverted woman was into him. He found her too intense and loud, though he likes her as a person.

I'm not sure why OP would want to date anyone who doesn't want the type of lifestyle that she wants. That kind of relationship wouldn't last. If you meet a guy who loves to do the things you do, I'm sure he'd be more into you.

Why not join travel/experience groups to meet new people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me again- I had another idea for you:

- plan the second date so he can watch you in action. Meaning - you are fit, so plan the date around whatever it is you do to stay fit.

Maybe thats hiking? Great date idea, with maybe a light picnic! (but go slow if he’s not up to your speed yet).

Is it running or biking? Could you do it together?

maybe the gym? Could you reserve treadmills or ellipticals side by side?

Really just any second date that breaks the mold of just going to a cafe, bar, or restaurant.

To pile on what the others said: hold a lot more back; think of it as being more mysterious (yes - I know - it’s more games, but you can be yourself later on if it works out; the games are temporary). Hugs, and good luck!

I dated this guy once who I could beat at some carnival games. It was in college, and I also got better grades than him. Of course, there were many things he was much better at, but I really think he found me intimidating.

I've beat my DH in a few things, and I can tell he doesn't like it when that happens. LOL

Op sounds like she is in great shape, so I wonder if she would outshine some of these guys in a setting where they could see her in action.

OP, you just need to find someone who loves doing stuff with their partners and who is secure in themselves.

[Anonymous]

While I can’t argue that these PPs advice is wrong in that it wouldn’t yield better dating success, I can’t ignore the sexism pervasive in these dating standards:

Women shouldn’t talk too much, let the men do the talking
Don’t ever boast about your accomplishments
Don’t be too “intense” about anything
And women should never ask a guy out first.

Guess we haven’t come as far as we’ve thought.

Also, this dialogue:

“Are you overweight?”
OP: No, I’m thin and athletic
“Maybe you’re lying and you’re actually fat”
OP: No, I’m really not. I have a nice figure.
“Omg, you’re so arrogant and full of yourself if you say you’re not fat!”

[Anonymous]

While I can’t argue that these PPs advice is wrong in that it wouldn’t yield better dating success, I can’t ignore the sexism pervasive in these dating standards:

Women shouldn’t talk too much, let the men do the talking
Don’t ever boast about your accomplishments
Don’t be too “intense” about anything

No one should talk too much. No one should be too intense, men or women.