When is the most impactful age to SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age/stage do you think it makes the most impact on your child's development to have you as a full-time caregiver? Let's say you could only do so for a couple of years, would it be when they are a baby? Toddler? Preschool age?

My mother stayed home with me until kindergarten. My siblings were school age when I was born, so I had her to myself for 6 years. It was lovely and I remember the fun mom from that time -- doing art projects, going for walks and swims, etc . I could have that sweet version of my mom more during my middle school and high school years when life got tough and confusing and I had no one to talk to. Instead I got the cranky, stressed-out mom in the evenings and the rushed, "I can't be late to my meetings again because you overslept and aren't ready for school!" mom in the mornings. She's retired now and once again as sweet as pie.

I SAH full-time for the first 5 years for my son and now WFH. I hope that will continue until my son is done w/school, because I want to be present and available if he needs me.

That sounds like your mom’s crappy job and/or her relationship with that job, not a general thing for working moms. I never think about work when not at work and my stress level is lower when I work because I like my colleagues/work environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age/stage do you think it makes the most impact on your child's development to have you as a full-time caregiver? Let's say you could only do so for a couple of years, would it be when they are a baby? Toddler? Preschool age?

My mother stayed home with me until kindergarten. My siblings were school age when I was born, so I had her to myself for 6 years. It was lovely and I remember the fun mom from that time -- doing art projects, going for walks and swims, etc . I could have that sweet version of my mom more during my middle school and high school years when life got tough and confusing and I had no one to talk to. Instead I got the cranky, stressed-out mom in the evenings and the rushed, "I can't be late to my meetings again because you overslept and aren't ready for school!" mom in the mornings. She's retired now and once again as sweet as pie.

I SAH full-time for the first 5 years for my son and now WFH. I hope that will continue until my son is done w/school, because I want to be present and available if he needs me.

That sounds like your mom’s crappy job and/or her relationship with that job, not a general thing for working moms. I never think about work when not at work and my stress level is lower when I work because I like my colleagues/work environment.

I don’t know. It was the same with my mom. Our lives were so stressful and she was anxious and stressed all the time when she worked. Sure, my dad could’ve gone part time. It’s as much his fault, but it was the 80s. I think our whole system is messed up. People should be able to work to earn enough to live and retire in 20-30 hours per week. I know I’d be a stressed out mess trying to work full time and manage everything. I get to fulfill my intellectual and creative interests while my kids are in school and sometimes they do take me away from them, but for the most part I’m present and relaxed. Maybe some type A people are great at the balance, but I sure am not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age/stage do you think it makes the most impact on your child's development to have you as a full-time caregiver? Let's say you could only do so for a couple of years, would it be when they are a baby? Toddler? Preschool age?

My mother stayed home with me until kindergarten. My siblings were school age when I was born, so I had her to myself for 6 years. It was lovely and I remember the fun mom from that time -- doing art projects, going for walks and swims, etc . I could have that sweet version of my mom more during my middle school and high school years when life got tough and confusing and I had no one to talk to. Instead I got the cranky, stressed-out mom in the evenings and the rushed, "I can't be late to my meetings again because you overslept and aren't ready for school!" mom in the mornings. She's retired now and once again as sweet as pie.

I SAH full-time for the first 5 years for my son and now WFH. I hope that will continue until my son is done w/school, because I want to be present and available if he needs me.

That sounds like your mom’s crappy job and/or her relationship with that job, not a general thing for working moms. I never think about work when not at work and my stress level is lower when I work because I like my colleagues/work environment.

I don’t know. It was the same with my mom. Our lives were so stressful and she was anxious and stressed all the time when she worked. Sure, my dad could’ve gone part time. It’s as much his fault, but it was the 80s. I think our whole system is messed up. People should be able to work to earn enough to live and retire in 20-30 hours per week. I know I’d be a stressed out mess trying to work full time and manage everything. I get to fulfill my intellectual and creative interests while my kids are in school and sometimes they do take me away from them, but for the most part I’m present and relaxed. Maybe some type A people are great at the balance, but I sure am not.

I think some people excel at compartmentalizing and leaving work at work. I don’t ever think about work once I sign off. I also usually leave work early some days to work out or get coffee with a friend before my kids are around,

[Anonymous]

Hah! I was thinking "Impactful" is not a word. Looks like it became a word in the 60s. I am old but was a child in the 1960s:
"Impactful emerged in the 1960s as an adjective meaning “manifesting a great effect or impact.” Yes, impactful is a word, but it's likely to annoy at least some of your readers. ... If you want to substitute another word for impactful, use a synonym such as influential, powerful, or effective."

[Anonymous]

I think the most important thing is laying the groundwork for a strong parent-child bond with good communication and trust. My personal experience is that this is easiest to do when children are very young, and so I would opt to stay home 0-3 (which is what I did) because it allows you to get to know your child and their personality and learning style. I think you could still do this while working, it would just require more careful scheduling and attention.

I will say that I didn't get what I wanted or needed from my parents when I was in middle school and high school, but my mom being a SAHM didn't make that any easier. They were just not emotionally available or supportive and didn't seem to like me as a person. I would have rather my mom had worked and had a functional relationship with her than have had a mom who was home all the time but didn't know how to talk to me or support me. I also think if my mom had worked more during my childhood, she would have had more self-esteems and a better relationship with herself, which would have made things between us much better.

So I guess I land on the "0-3" spectrum of things, but really I think the key is to develop relationship patterns that are healthy and mutually trusting so that regardless of whether you are home during the day or not, your kid knows they can come to you with problems and can rely on you for unconditional love and support.

I do agree a flexible job can be invaluable, though I think of that as more of a practical issue -- a life with children is very full, and it is very hard to impossible to fit your entire non-work life into the hours of 7pm to 6am. The more flexible the jobs of both parents, the easier that balance will be. I think you can be a good parent with a demanding job, but I think it is much harder and requires you to really focus on your parenting. You also have to have a very supportive (probably SAH) partner and/or extended family who can help. Yes, you can hire people as well, but no matter how good your nanny, that's never going to be the same as having reliable family members in your child's life every day. No matter how good your child's relationship with the nanny, they are not family and they are being paid to be there. Your kid needs to know that there are people in their life who are not paid employees, who will love them and support them no matter what. If your job is too demanding for that, don't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

These perspectives are so interesting! I'm really glad I asked the question, and it feels like a happy accident that I was too vague. I enjoyed hearing what made the most impact on the moms too - not just on the kids. What a wonderful, touching, bunch of anecdotes.

Right now, the SAHM/age/impact question is, for me, just something to ponder for curiosity's sake. I can't stay at home. We have a 4 month old daughter and we need my job for the health insurance it provides our family. DH and I make similar salaries. I also enjoy my work and am probably not cut out to be the best full-time caretaker for a little baby.

I think what I take away most from this thread is a real interest in making sure I'm flexible enough to be around for my daughter after school once she starts school. That is doable with my job/industry and I think I would love being there for those moments with her.

OP, for what it's worth, I worked really hard and long hours while our twins were 0-4. After that I had the seniority and the pay to be able to cut back pretty significantly and I have enjoyed spending the years 4-7 with them so much. My husband has always worked pretty steadily (made less than I did when the kids were babies, makes more than me now), so he has always been present (and we had a full-time nanny). I know that for us, we made the right decision. I, like you, am not cut out to be the best caretaker for little babies. Weekends were always family time and I always took my leave (I had saved up more than enough for a long maternity leave plus time after I went back), so it's not like I was an absent mother. But oh man, hanging out with them now is awesome, and I am so glad that I have the chance to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age/stage do you think it makes the most impact on your child's development to have you as a full-time caregiver? Let's say you could only do so for a couple of years, would it be when they are a baby? Toddler? Preschool age?

My mother stayed home with me until kindergarten. My siblings were school age when I was born, so I had her to myself for 6 years. It was lovely and I remember the fun mom from that time -- doing art projects, going for walks and swims, etc . I could have that sweet version of my mom more during my middle school and high school years when life got tough and confusing and I had no one to talk to. Instead I got the cranky, stressed-out mom in the evenings and the rushed, "I can't be late to my meetings again because you overslept and aren't ready for school!" mom in the mornings. She's retired now and once again as sweet as pie.

I SAH full-time for the first 5 years for my son and now WFH. I hope that will continue until my son is done w/school, because I want to be present and available if he needs me.

That sounds like your mom’s crappy job and/or her relationship with that job, not a general thing for working moms. I never think about work when not at work and my stress level is lower when I work because I like my colleagues/work environment.

NP I enjoy my job too, but my stress level would definitely be lower if I didn’t have to work! All things equal, less responsibility = less stress!

That being said, not working wouldn’t be the right answer for me since I like using my brain analytically, etc. But I definitely have more stress in my life because of it.

[Anonymous]

I'm a type A person and I think working is better for me all around. I have a lot of energy and I'm a type A and I actually think I'd be a tiger parent or a socially engineering parent without work. Work makes me way more chill around my kids when they come home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a type A person and I think working is better for me all around. I have a lot of energy and I'm a type A and I actually think I'd be a tiger parent or a socially engineering parent without work. Work makes me way more chill around my kids when they come home.

My mom was an obnoxious overbearing parent who became a lot more relaxed (but still involved) when she started working part time. I think seeing how people could be successful coming from many different places in the workplace helped her get some perspective, plus she had people to talk to about things other than her kids' activities, college applications etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

These perspectives are so interesting! I'm really glad I asked the question, and it feels like a happy accident that I was too vague. I enjoyed hearing what made the most impact on the moms too - not just on the kids. What a wonderful, touching, bunch of anecdotes.

Right now, the SAHM/age/impact question is, for me, just something to ponder for curiosity's sake. I can't stay at home. We have a 4 month old daughter and we need my job for the health insurance it provides our family. DH and I make similar salaries. I also enjoy my work and am probably not cut out to be the best full-time caretaker for a little baby.

I think what I take away most from this thread is a real interest in making sure I'm flexible enough to be around for my daughter after school once she starts school. That is doable with my job/industry and I think I would love being there for those moments with her.

OP, for what it's worth, I worked really hard and long hours while our twins were 0-4. After that I had the seniority and the pay to be able to cut back pretty significantly and I have enjoyed spending the years 4-7 with them so much. My husband has always worked pretty steadily (made less than I did when the kids were babies, makes more than me now), so he has always been present (and we had a full-time nanny). I know that for us, we made the right decision. I, like you, am not cut out to be the best caretaker for little babies. Weekends were always family time and I always took my leave (I had saved up more than enough for a long maternity leave plus time after I went back), so it's not like I was an absent mother. But oh man, hanging out with them now is awesome, and I am so glad that I have the chance to do it.

SAHM - I completely agree with you. I think the older years are far more fun and meaningful. And, its when they start to really remember things. A good nanny is fine. I am glad I stayed home and I always thought I preferred little ones but I think its just other people's kids as I like all stages with mine but the lasting stuff is school age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age/stage do you think it makes the most impact on your child's development to have you as a full-time caregiver? Let's say you could only do so for a couple of years, would it be when they are a baby? Toddler? Preschool age?

My mother stayed home with me until kindergarten. My siblings were school age when I was born, so I had her to myself for 6 years. It was lovely and I remember the fun mom from that time -- doing art projects, going for walks and swims, etc . I could have that sweet version of my mom more during my middle school and high school years when life got tough and confusing and I had no one to talk to. Instead I got the cranky, stressed-out mom in the evenings and the rushed, "I can't be late to my meetings again because you overslept and aren't ready for school!" mom in the mornings. She's retired now and once again as sweet as pie.

I SAH full-time for the first 5 years for my son and now WFH. I hope that will continue until my son is done w/school, because I want to be present and available if he needs me.

That sounds like your mom’s crappy job and/or her relationship with that job, not a general thing for working moms. I never think about work when not at work and my stress level is lower when I work because I like my colleagues/work environment.

NP I enjoy my job too, but my stress level would definitely be lower if I didn’t have to work! All things equal, less responsibility = less stress!

That being said, not working wouldn’t be the right answer for me since I like using my brain analytically, etc. But I definitely have more stress in my life because of it.

I guess if you don't outsource anything now you wouldn't have any additional responsibility, but I know if I didn't work outside the house (or inside the house now, ha!), I wouldn't have a maid, gardener, etc. I would do those things myself because I was at home and also because we'd be down one salary. Obviously it varies from person to person, but I would think a lot of people actually have the same amount of stress, even though it's of a different kind, if they are at home with their kids.

[Anonymous]

I’m just hear to ask where are alllll of these full time jobs that everyone seems to have That are so flexible they can be HOME by 3:30-3:45(pre-covid)? I consider my job pretty darn flexible and if I needed to I could maybe leave at 3:30 but how does one work a full work day, commute and be home by 3:30 every single day? I’m just surprised by how many said this because I know very few moms with this schedule unless they work part time. Maybe many that was the case and they didn’t mention it.

[Anonymous]

Here not hear ha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m just hear to ask where are alllll of these full time jobs that everyone seems to have That are so flexible they can be HOME by 3:30-3:45(pre-covid)? I consider my job pretty darn flexible and if I needed to I could maybe leave at 3:30 but how does one work a full work day, commute and be home by 3:30 every single day? I’m just surprised by how many said this because I know very few moms with this schedule unless they work part time. Maybe many that was the case and they didn’t mention it.

Mom who has worked in trade associations most of my career... 6 figures, flexible 37.5 hour week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age/stage do you think it makes the most impact on your child's development to have you as a full-time caregiver? Let's say you could only do so for a couple of years, would it be when they are a baby? Toddler? Preschool age?

My mother stayed home with me until kindergarten. My siblings were school age when I was born, so I had her to myself for 6 years. It was lovely and I remember the fun mom from that time -- doing art projects, going for walks and swims, etc . I could have that sweet version of my mom more during my middle school and high school years when life got tough and confusing and I had no one to talk to. Instead I got the cranky, stressed-out mom in the evenings and the rushed, "I can't be late to my meetings again because you overslept and aren't ready for school!" mom in the mornings. She's retired now and once again as sweet as pie.

I SAH full-time for the first 5 years for my son and now WFH. I hope that will continue until my son is done w/school, because I want to be present and available if he needs me.

That sounds like your mom’s crappy job and/or her relationship with that job, not a general thing for working moms. I never think about work when not at work and my stress level is lower when I work because I like my colleagues/work environment.

NP I enjoy my job too, but my stress level would definitely be lower if I didn’t have to work! All things equal, less responsibility = less stress!

That being said, not working wouldn’t be the right answer for me since I like using my brain analytically, etc. But I definitely have more stress in my life because of it.

I guess if you don't outsource anything now you wouldn't have any additional responsibility, but I know if I didn't work outside the house (or inside the house now, ha!), I wouldn't have a maid, gardener, etc. I would do those things myself because I was at home and also because we'd be down one salary. Obviously it varies from person to person, but I would think a lot of people actually have the same amount of stress, even though it's of a different kind, if they are at home with their kids.

There is a huge lifestyle difference if you are outsourcing. We don't outsource anything except absolutely necessary. We gave up as by the time we find someone to do a basic repair we might as well do it ourselves.