When is the most impactful age to SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full stay at home from 0-5 and then flex for elementary and middle school. I've seen way too many videos of stressed out daycare workers doing all sorts of awful things to little kids and the young ones aren't even able to tell you if anything happened. If you have the resources to have either a grandparent or a full-time nanny, that's great, but otherwise it's best to stay home with your child during that time.

Oh boy.

I actually agree though not for the same reasons.
Years 0-3 are formative, 4-5 are pleasant.
Being flex in elem and middle you can provide more downtime and better quality extracurriculars, have energy to get to know your child, and some relevance by keeping the job.

+1

And if someone is saying “oh boy” to wanting to be with their NEWBORN...then I’m going to give a bigger “oh boy” for a parent stepping aside from their work to suddenly SAH for a middle schooler! It makes no sense! Just to drive them around to practices and “play dates”?

I was saying “oh boy” that pp doesn’t trust daycares

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young Teenager years by a long shot. It’s when they need you the most.

I'm a SAHM but I don't think this is the right answer if your child is serious about an extracurricular. My young teen is a dancer and (in non covid times anyway) I barely saw her after school on weekdays. She always went right to dance. Same for my sons who are super into sports, and I imagine if you have a teen into robotics, orchestra or drama the circumstances would be the same. We do most of our catching up on weekends.

True, but even still, I liked being the parent who regularly drove to and from all of that stuff. When it was just me and the kid, that’s when they REALLY opened up. Some of our best talks ever — that I still remember even tho they’re in college now — happened during car rides to ECs. I remember reading somewhere (maybe here?) that that lack of eye contact/facing each other directly makes it feel less “threatening” and they’re more likely to chat. Certainly true in our case. And then when it was a group of kids (friends or teammates), you just hear so many interesting little tidbits and it’s a great way to get to know the kids your child is spending most of their waking hours with. I think they forget you’re in the driver’s seat and can hear everything they say, LOL!

(FWIW, I was never actually a SAHM — just extremely lucky to have a job where I could almost always leave the office by 3:30. I know not everyone’s job allows for that.)

I have a minivan full of kids. Those mom-to-teen heart to hearts aren't happening in that environment around their younger siblings, it's happening on our afternoon dog walks just the two of us or weekend morning tea/coffee hours on the back deck. Every family is different. I think this just shows every family is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full stay at home from 0-5 and then flex for elementary and middle school. I've seen way too many videos of stressed out daycare workers doing all sorts of awful things to little kids and the young ones aren't even able to tell you if anything happened. If you have the resources to have either a grandparent or a full-time nanny, that's great, but otherwise it's best to stay home with your child during that time.

Oh boy.

I actually agree though not for the same reasons.
Years 0-3 are formative, 4-5 are pleasant.
Being flex in elem and middle you can provide more downtime and better quality extracurriculars, have energy to get to know your child, and some relevance by keeping the job.

+1

And if someone is saying “oh boy” to wanting to be with their NEWBORN...then I’m going to give a bigger “oh boy” for a parent stepping aside from their work to suddenly SAH for a middle schooler! It makes no sense! Just to drive them around to practices and “play dates”?

I was saying “oh boy” that pp doesn’t trust daycares

Lots of new parents don't. Not exactly a crazy opinion.

[Anonymous]

If your older kids are busy it pays the most to be around on weekends and nights which can happen with either a working or SAHM. Never understood the SAHMs in my town who went away to their weekend house on weekends or were too busy with their own clubs at night and left their teens at home to have parties and drink.

[Anonymous]

This is OP.

These perspectives are so interesting! I'm really glad I asked the question, and it feels like a happy accident that I was too vague. I enjoyed hearing what made the most impact on the moms too - not just on the kids. What a wonderful, touching, bunch of anecdotes.

Right now, the SAHM/age/impact question is, for me, just something to ponder for curiosity's sake. I can't stay at home. We have a 4 month old daughter and we need my job for the health insurance it provides our family. DH and I make similar salaries. I also enjoy my work and am probably not cut out to be the best full-time caretaker for a little baby.

I think what I take away most from this thread is a real interest in making sure I'm flexible enough to be around for my daughter after school once she starts school. That is doable with my job/industry and I think I would love being there for those moments with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From my personal experiences, as a parent, I'd never want to miss the first moments the kids come off the bus or in the door from school or big event.

You know what happens when my kids come through the door from school? They take off sprinting for the bathroom screaming they have to poop because they refuse to go at school. Nothing terribly momentous at our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

These perspectives are so interesting! I'm really glad I asked the question, and it feels like a happy accident that I was too vague. I enjoyed hearing what made the most impact on the moms too - not just on the kids. What a wonderful, touching, bunch of anecdotes.

Right now, the SAHM/age/impact question is, for me, just something to ponder for curiosity's sake. I can't stay at home. We have a 4 month old daughter and we need my job for the health insurance it provides our family. DH and I make similar salaries. I also enjoy my work and am probably not cut out to be the best full-time caretaker for a little baby.

I think what I take away most from this thread is a real interest in making sure I'm flexible enough to be around for my daughter after school once she starts school. That is doable with my job/industry and I think I would love being there for those moments with her.

I’m thrilled that was your take away. Because that’s really it.

[Anonymous]

When I was pregnant, the senior women at my firm all said they needed the most flexibility/went (or at least considered going) part-time when their children were in middle school/early high school. More complex socio-emotional needs, more activities that require transportation, and limited to no ability for the child to self-manage (i.e., drive themselves to activities, establish a work schedule).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From my personal experiences, as a parent, I'd never want to miss the first moments the kids come off the bus or in the door from school or big event.

That means more to you than first steps, first words, first foods, baby laughs, etc.?

No question. It's not about me and my memories. It's what's much more important and impactful for the kids.

DP, but why wouldn't it be more important for very young kids? Because they can't verbalize those memories? They still have them.

As PPs have said, middle and high school kids (and elementary) still need engaged parents who know what's going on. That doesn't translate to SAH, necessarily.

I don’t remember taking my first steps, speaking my first words, or laughing as an infant and who was there with me when those happened. No one does. But I do remember my mom always being there for a big hug when I got home from elementary school on the bus and her chaperoning my field trips and seeing her beaming smile as I looked into the crowd at my soccer game. Because, you know, brain development.

Parent being there for infant milestones = only the parent remembers.
Parent being there for older kid milestones = parent AND kid remember/consciously understand.

The choice is easy.

If you have a choice, this post sums it up best.

Except that this PP knows very little about brain development. Not being able to verbalize early memories is not the same thing as not having them. Stress researchers often say, “the body remembers,” and that applies to early development, too. Newborns can distinguish their mothers by smell at just a few days old—and people really think the early years don’t matter?

PP, that’s great that your mom was so supportive. The question, in this thread, is when to be a full-time stay at home parent. Working parents with flexible schedules can meet their kids at the bus stop, chaperone field trips, and attend soccer games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

These perspectives are so interesting! I'm really glad I asked the question, and it feels like a happy accident that I was too vague. I enjoyed hearing what made the most impact on the moms too - not just on the kids. What a wonderful, touching, bunch of anecdotes.

Right now, the SAHM/age/impact question is, for me, just something to ponder for curiosity's sake. I can't stay at home. We have a 4 month old daughter and we need my job for the health insurance it provides our family. DH and I make similar salaries. I also enjoy my work and am probably not cut out to be the best full-time caretaker for a little baby.

I think what I take away most from this thread is a real interest in making sure I'm flexible enough to be around for my daughter after school once she starts school. That is doable with my job/industry and I think I would love being there for those moments with her.

Personally, I think being around a couple afternoons a week, and attending most of the important school events is enough. You don’t have to stress yourself out to be home by 3pm every afternoon. In my industry, that would difficult at a manager+ level since we have meetings. But it is easy to block off your calendar for a couple hours here or there to attend something.

It’s also great to expose your child to different caregivers they trust. A kind, intelligent babysitter or grandparent may have different perspectives or advice, which is great for the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From my personal experiences, as a parent, I'd never want to miss the first moments the kids come off the bus or in the door from school or big event.

That means more to you than first steps, first words, first foods, baby laughs, etc.?

No question. It's not about me and my memories. It's what's much more important and impactful for the kids.

DP, but why wouldn't it be more important for very young kids? Because they can't verbalize those memories? They still have them.

As PPs have said, middle and high school kids (and elementary) still need engaged parents who know what's going on. That doesn't translate to SAH, necessarily.

I don’t remember taking my first steps, speaking my first words, or laughing as an infant and who was there with me when those happened. No one does. But I do remember my mom always being there for a big hug when I got home from elementary school on the bus and her chaperoning my field trips and seeing her beaming smile as I looked into the crowd at my soccer game. Because, you know, brain development.

Parent being there for infant milestones = only the parent remembers.
Parent being there for older kid milestones = parent AND kid remember/consciously understand.

The choice is easy.

If you have a choice, this post sums it up best.

Except that this PP knows very little about brain development. Not being able to verbalize early memories is not the same thing as not having them. Stress researchers often say, “the body remembers,” and that applies to early development, too. Newborns can distinguish their mothers by smell at just a few days old—and people really think the early years don’t matter?

I’ll digress with you, just to stop you from being obtuse. No one said that early years/experiences are not important to baby because baby can’t verbalize or remember. No one says “early years don’t matter”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full stay at home from 0-5 and then flex for elementary and middle school. I've seen way too many videos of stressed out daycare workers doing all sorts of awful things to little kids and the young ones aren't even able to tell you if anything happened. If you have the resources to have either a grandparent or a full-time nanny, that's great, but otherwise it's best to stay home with your child during that time.

Oh boy.

I actually agree though not for the same reasons.
Years 0-3 are formative, 4-5 are pleasant.
Being flex in elem and middle you can provide more downtime and better quality extracurriculars, have energy to get to know your child, and some relevance by keeping the job.

+1

And if someone is saying “oh boy” to wanting to be with their NEWBORN...then I’m going to give a bigger “oh boy” for a parent stepping aside from their work to suddenly SAH for a middle schooler! It makes no sense! Just to drive them around to practices and “play dates”?

I was saying “oh boy” that pp doesn’t trust daycares

There's nothing to trust. There's a reason that wealthy people have nannies. Daycares are staffed by low wage, overworked folks who do the bare minimum. That's not to say that they're at fault for that, having a 25 year old taking care of multiple babies is never an ideal situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At what age/stage do you think it makes the most impact on your child's development to have you as a full-time caregiver? Let's say you could only do so for a couple of years, would it be when they are a baby? Toddler? Preschool age?

My mother stayed home with me until kindergarten. My siblings were school age when I was born, so I had her to myself for 6 years. It was lovely and I remember the fun mom from that time -- doing art projects, going for walks and swims, etc . I could have that sweet version of my mom more during my middle school and high school years when life got tough and confusing and I had no one to talk to. Instead I got the cranky, stressed-out mom in the evenings and the rushed, "I can't be late to my meetings again because you overslept and aren't ready for school!" mom in the mornings. She's retired now and once again as sweet as pie.

I SAH full-time for the first 5 years for my son and now WFH. I hope that will continue until my son is done w/school, because I want to be present and available if he needs me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an unanswerable question with most responses Attempting to justify the decisions each respondent has made. Do what’s best for your family and feel confident in whatever choice you make.

Stop being so reasonable!

[Anonymous]

I think ensuring that your 10-17 year old kids aren’t alone and unoccupied for the hours of 3-5 is pretty important. That’s when 95% of the drugs, shoplifting, vandalizing, and sex happen. So either SAH or sign your kids up for sports.