When is the most impactful age to SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think middle and high school.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Middle school.

I think *flexibility* is extremely important when your kids are middle school age (eg being home when they get home, having the time to be involved in their life, drive them and friends to activities, etc.) but staying home full time? Nah.

This. I have a 5th grader and 8th header. I am home at 3 every day (well, pre Covid.). Kids get home at 3:30. Why do I need to be home beyond that?! I can definitely see the argument that late ES/MS/HS is the most important time to have a flexible job, but I’m just not buying that that’s the most important time to be a SAHM.

This is true. I’m the PP saying if I were to stay home it would be once they hit middle school. But only because the OP specifically asked about SAH. In all likelihood I’ll keep working so long as my job remains flexible and allows telework/ability to be home when school lets out.

[Anonymous]

As PPs have said, I think SAHM is most important from 0-3. If I didn’t have a combo of WAH flexibility + involved DH + tons of grandparent help, I would have definitely quit.

I think SAHM for school-age kids is overkill unless you’re dealing with SN or something like that. If both spouses have flexible jobs where they can be there for all the big events, that’s more than enough. I actually think it’s harmful to kids to be over-involved in their academic or social lives. You should be available enough such that they come to you with important issues, but not so available that they run to you with little things that they should be figuring out themselves. Otherwise, how will they develop their problem-solving and executive functioning skills? Anecdotally, my two friends with over-involved SAHMs did fine in high school but not so great in college or in their careers, and eventually quit themselves because their jobs didn’t cover childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:0-3 for sure

Ehhh. I was raised by a SAHM and a dad who worked long hours/traveled for most of my childhood. I don’t have a ton of memories from those early years, but I had a good childhood and was generally happy,

My dad became senior enough to drastically cut hours around the time I hit 8th grade. I then had a SAHM and very hands-on working dad for those bumpy teenage years when I skirted with falling into the wrong crowd. At the time I found it annoying that my parents constantly wanted to know who my friends are, always home so I couldn’t sneak friends over, attended all my extracurricular activities (e.g. swim meets, mock trials, etc.), and were just generally always around to my dismay during my teenage years.

But now I’m so glad I had that level of parental involvement during those years. I’m a working mom, but have a fairly flexible job (WAH, flex hours, etc.), but if I’m going to take time out of the workforce it will be when my kids hit middle/high school.

I think 0-6 and then middle/high school to keep them out of trouble. If my mom was not home to greet me after school, I would have probably got into something for sure.

[Anonymous]

It depends what kind of mom you are, first. If you're not good with younger kids, then please let someone who is work with them when they are young. Kids are people. Just like any people, they will get more out of being with someone who can be emotionally present and meet them where they are.

If you're great with younger kids, then children definitely need constant care taking the most between 0-3. However, I think they remember and rely on parents vs. other caregivers more the older they get. When they are younger there are a lot of different functions going online: walking, talking, exploring, social, etc. They are driven to learn that stuff at every given moment. It's very instinctual and visceral. As they get older, there is still that kind of development going on, but there's also more complex socioemotional stuff. They are becoming more aware about the world. It's very impactful to have a parent who is tuned in that they can bounce ideas off of and develop a relationship with.

[Anonymous]

Full stay at home from 0-5 and then flex for elementary and middle school. I've seen way too many videos of stressed out daycare workers doing all sorts of awful things to little kids and the young ones aren't even able to tell you if anything happened. If you have the resources to have either a grandparent or a full-time nanny, that's great, but otherwise it's best to stay home with your child during that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Full stay at home from 0-5 and then flex for elementary and middle school. I've seen way too many videos of stressed out daycare workers doing all sorts of awful things to little kids and the young ones aren't even able to tell you if anything happened. If you have the resources to have either a grandparent or a full-time nanny, that's great, but otherwise it's best to stay home with your child during that time.

Oh boy.

[Anonymous]

I can’t really say from the POV of a child and their benefits but for ME it felt right when he was small (0-5), then he wasn’t very pleasant to be around yet old enough for me to be ok with leaving him in aftercare etc, then around 9-10 he started becoming more and more pleasant, and now at 10 it’s great to be around him.

[Anonymous]

OP conflates the SAH years with the most parental “impact“ years. Faulty premise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full stay at home from 0-5 and then flex for elementary and middle school. I've seen way too many videos of stressed out daycare workers doing all sorts of awful things to little kids and the young ones aren't even able to tell you if anything happened. If you have the resources to have either a grandparent or a full-time nanny, that's great, but otherwise it's best to stay home with your child during that time.

Oh boy.

I actually agree though not for the same reasons.
Years 0-3 are formative, 4-5 are pleasant.
Being flex in elem and middle you can provide more downtime and better quality extracurriculars, have energy to get to know your child, and some relevance by keeping the job.

[Anonymous]

Wholeheartedly regret not staying with my infant. I did with my second but there’s a difference in the two and I’ll never get that time back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full stay at home from 0-5 and then flex for elementary and middle school. I've seen way too many videos of stressed out daycare workers doing all sorts of awful things to little kids and the young ones aren't even able to tell you if anything happened. If you have the resources to have either a grandparent or a full-time nanny, that's great, but otherwise it's best to stay home with your child during that time.

Oh boy.

I actually agree though not for the same reasons.
Years 0-3 are formative, 4-5 are pleasant.
Being flex in elem and middle you can provide more downtime and better quality extracurriculars, have energy to get to know your child, and some relevance by keeping the job.

+1

And if someone is saying “oh boy” to wanting to be with their NEWBORN...then I’m going to give a bigger “oh boy” for a parent stepping aside from their work to suddenly SAH for a middle schooler! It makes no sense! Just to drive them around to practices and “play dates”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Full stay at home from 0-5 and then flex for elementary and middle school. I've seen way too many videos of stressed out daycare workers doing all sorts of awful things to little kids and the young ones aren't even able to tell you if anything happened. If you have the resources to have either a grandparent or a full-time nanny, that's great, but otherwise it's best to stay home with your child during that time.

I WAH with nanny until the child is verbal, at which point I know and trust nanny. That’s the only way I got the seniority to flex my hours almost completely. Have one elementary school & one preschool aged child. If I had dropped out of the workforce I would not have my career now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wholeheartedly regret not staying with my infant. I did with my second but there’s a difference in the two and I’ll never get that time back.

It could just be their personalities, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wholeheartedly regret not staying with my infant. I did with my second but there’s a difference in the two and I’ll never get that time back.

It could just be their personalities, no?

Np and I agree. I have three. Went back to work after 5 months and had the first in an in-home daycare. Was PT for the second, the. SAH for a year with the third and went to full time when the youngest was two. We’ve had a nanny, daycare, relative watching them and me SAH. They’re all different kids, but it’s not because of the childcare arrangements. It’s their temperaments and/or birth order.