Did I not do enough to help my DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say, it also depends on the personality of your kid.

I two kids who do very well academically, but one kid who is open to suggestions, and one kid who is resistant to everything. That latter kid will not be very competitive because besides having no hooks, she doesn't have much to make her stand out (unless watching reruns of "Friends" or hanging out in Sephora counts). Her extracurriculars are not that interesting from a college perspective (she goes to the gym, runs, goes to a local dance place which has no competitions...nothing that can prove to a college that she has self-motivation and grit)

I've let it go, because there's only so much pushing I can do given her personality. I've also let it go because I'm remembering that she is not on drugs/having sex/engaging in anything risky, and happy at her gym and dance classes.

OP and PPs, although I'm sad about it, I've had to make peace with it. Her brain is very interesting and philosophical, and I can imagine her with like-minded peers, grappling with the big questions, at a great university. She seems made for a very intellectual place. But you have to look at the whole child, not just that one part of them that is exceptional. Even if that exceptional part is her brain, which I would think that a university would want.

And I guess I'll just add that you have to look at the limitations of the parent, and this kid has worked me over so hard on various things that I have finally detached some; I had to, as at one point it was affecting my own health and I was neglecting the rest of my family. Sadly she has won her battles but lost the war when it comes to mom being her big champion in the college app process or anything else. As I was typing this I was interrupted by her, telling me how she was refusing to go to something tomorrow that she committed to going to. No argument from me; although it makes me sad. Big internal sigh and I just think, "whatever."

Wow PP, this was the most honest parent post I've ever read on DCUM. We'd be best friends in life. Your DD will do fine as a result. She will thank you one day and pay it forward. All the best!

[Anonymous]

One thing I'm realizing now that DC has finished up all his college apps is how some things I thought were real passions/true about him may be a bit of a front--not totally but in part. We didn't put on tons of pressure, but the general environment and his peers probably did somewhat and we occasionally reminded him about what would 'look good to colleges' etc.

But now that it's over, and he got in early to his first choice, he seems to be taking a breath--mid year class grades slacked a bit (mostly B+'s instead of A's), less interested in his extracurricular work. I know senioritis is a thing and it's not that I care about getting all As. But I guess I'm relieved we didn't let college admissions drive the boat of our family life more because there's part of me who feels like there's this brief window of time living at home that I get to know my kid as a teen without "getting into college" hanging over him. Even though he's got the outcome he wanted and we're really happy, it's kind of like "all this for just that?" kind of feeling in our family. So I'm glad I didn't start plotting in middle school or we would probably really all end up with "is that all there is?" feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son got into a top 20 and would not have without us. We encouraged him to sign up for ECs over the years, prepped him for the ACT, helped him work on a special fundraising project which he talked about in his essay, reviewed and edited his essays (did not rewrite...just gave input), contacted influential alumni who advocated on his behalf, etc. etc. This is how you get into an elite school these days without a hook. It's sad but true.

White privilege.

Rich white priviledge. Unfortunately, my daughter goes to private and is white on a lot of financial aid. She loves the school, teachers, and opportunities, but we don’t have 5 figures to spend on test prep and tutors. One mom admitted to spending close to 40K on just that alone. Fortunately my daughter doesn’t want the rat race to big name colleges because she is purposely avoiding pressure cooker environment and majority of rich whites. She has already received some merit packages at OOS colleges. She test prepped herself with some books. I didn’t look at any essay, her applications, etc... We just did the FAFSA and CSS as needed. If your child isn’t ready to apply to college without mommy, are they even ready to be an adult and to attend college? You are a good mom OP. No guilt. Some moms never end with helicoptering. My MIL is a college professor at GW and the stories the past 10 years are unreal. Parents calling, emailing teachers. Getting mad at health facilities that they weren’t notified of minor things. Coming in to decorate dorms, giving unlimited uber accounts, credit cards, not even asking them to work PT for spending money, etc.... So those kids really aren’t adulting yet. It is a major disadvantage.

Sour Grapes! Also "adulting" is not a verb. Sorry impoverished Mom.

Haha she must have struck a nerve. You must be one of those helicopter parents. Just wait till your kid starts to push back. That is usually the antedote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son got into a top 20 and would not have without us. We encouraged him to sign up for ECs over the years, prepped him for the ACT, helped him work on a special fundraising project which he talked about in his essay, reviewed and edited his essays (did not rewrite...just gave input), contacted influential alumni who advocated on his behalf, etc. etc. This is how you get into an elite school these days without a hook. It's sad but true.

White privilege.

Rich white priviledge. Unfortunately, my daughter goes to private and is white on a lot of financial aid. She loves the school, teachers, and opportunities, but we don’t have 5 figures to spend on test prep and tutors. One mom admitted to spending close to 40K on just that alone. Fortunately my daughter doesn’t want the rat race to big name colleges because she is purposely avoiding pressure cooker environment and majority of rich whites. She has already received some merit packages at OOS colleges. She test prepped herself with some books. I didn’t look at any essay, her applications, etc... We just did the FAFSA and CSS as needed. If your child isn’t ready to apply to college without mommy, are they even ready to be an adult and to attend college? You are a good mom OP. No guilt. Some moms never end with helicoptering. My MIL is a college professor at GW and the stories the past 10 years are unreal. Parents calling, emailing teachers. Getting mad at health facilities that they weren’t notified of minor things. Coming in to decorate dorms, giving unlimited uber accounts, credit cards, not even asking them to work PT for spending money, etc.... So those kids really aren’t adulting yet. It is a major disadvantage.

SO judgemental!! What's the point of education or working hard for money if not to benefit your kids. Why is it necessary for you to be judgemental about how other people spend their personal money. I sounds like your daughter was weak or a poor student so you withdrew from the high pressured private school world. It also sounds like she only applied to schools with simple applications (which is not at all the case for kids applying to top schools). I am so sorry that you are not able to give your daughter a firm foundation and instead of looking in the mirror have decided to demonize others. We are ALL trying to be good parents...

Another upset helicopter parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son got into a top 20 and would not have without us. We encouraged him to sign up for ECs over the years, prepped him for the ACT, helped him work on a special fundraising project which he talked about in his essay, reviewed and edited his essays (did not rewrite...just gave input), contacted influential alumni who advocated on his behalf, etc. etc. This is how you get into an elite school these days without a hook. It's sad but true.

White privilege.

Rich white priviledge. Unfortunately, my daughter goes to private and is white on a lot of financial aid. She loves the school, teachers, and opportunities, but we don’t have 5 figures to spend on test prep and tutors. One mom admitted to spending close to 40K on just that alone. Fortunately my daughter doesn’t want the rat race to big name colleges because she is purposely avoiding pressure cooker environment and majority of rich whites. She has already received some merit packages at OOS colleges. She test prepped herself with some books. I didn’t look at any essay, her applications, etc... We just did the FAFSA and CSS as needed. If your child isn’t ready to apply to college without mommy, are they even ready to be an adult and to attend college? You are a good mom OP. No guilt. Some moms never end with helicoptering. My MIL is a college professor at GW and the stories the past 10 years are unreal. Parents calling, emailing teachers. Getting mad at health facilities that they weren’t notified of minor things. Coming in to decorate dorms, giving unlimited uber accounts, credit cards, not even asking them to work PT for spending money, etc.... So those kids really aren’t adulting yet. It is a major disadvantage.

Sour Grapes! Also "adulting" is not a verb. Sorry impoverished Mom.

Haha she must have struck a nerve. You must be one of those helicopter parents. Just wait till your kid starts to push back. That is usually the antedote.

I feel genuinely sorry for you losers with loser kids knocking the successful smart folks. Its un-American.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I'm realizing now that DC has finished up all his college apps is how some things I thought were real passions/true about him may be a bit of a front--not totally but in part. We didn't put on tons of pressure, but the general environment and his peers probably did somewhat and we occasionally reminded him about what would 'look good to colleges' etc.

But now that it's over, and he got in early to his first choice, he seems to be taking a breath--mid year class grades slacked a bit (mostly B+'s instead of A's), less interested in his extracurricular work. I know senioritis is a thing and it's not that I care about getting all As. But I guess I'm relieved we didn't let college admissions drive the boat of our family life more because there's part of me who feels like there's this brief window of time living at home that I get to know my kid as a teen without "getting into college" hanging over him. Even though he's got the outcome he wanted and we're really happy, it's kind of like "all this for just that?" kind of feeling in our family. So I'm glad I didn't start plotting in middle school or we would probably really all end up with "is that all there is?" feeling.

But that is how most families are who don’t let getting into college come before health and happiness of their child and avoid all the stress and fakeness. And that is why it has all become such a scam. And that is why most colleges are full of rich white kids who have had tutors, test prep, help with essays, and are entitled enough to have never had to never work. Their “job” was to meet with tutors and get A’s for college. They have no idea that they did very little to actually get themselves to the college they got in. Parents time and $$$ got you there.

I mean really. Going to community college and transferring to a 4yr college junior year is what many non-DCUM’ers do in the real world. All while working part time too. Most have never heard of Amherst, Harvey Mudd, Bowdoin, etc... But this area is so hell bent on top tier colleges and play this game at their child’s growing years expense. It is pretty sickening when you think about it. Childhood is only 18 years of your entire life. We all enjoyed ours, but for some reason we are taking our own kids at age 10 or 12 and expecting them to be mini adults and thinking about college. It’s just exhausting, especially for only a bachelor’s degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son got into a top 20 and would not have without us. We encouraged him to sign up for ECs over the years, prepped him for the ACT, helped him work on a special fundraising project which he talked about in his essay, reviewed and edited his essays (did not rewrite...just gave input), contacted influential alumni who advocated on his behalf, etc. etc. This is how you get into an elite school these days without a hook. It's sad but true.

White privilege.

Rich white priviledge. Unfortunately, my daughter goes to private and is white on a lot of financial aid. She loves the school, teachers, and opportunities, but we don’t have 5 figures to spend on test prep and tutors. One mom admitted to spending close to 40K on just that alone. Fortunately my daughter doesn’t want the rat race to big name colleges because she is purposely avoiding pressure cooker environment and majority of rich whites. She has already received some merit packages at OOS colleges. She test prepped herself with some books. I didn’t look at any essay, her applications, etc... We just did the FAFSA and CSS as needed. If your child isn’t ready to apply to college without mommy, are they even ready to be an adult and to attend college? You are a good mom OP. No guilt. Some moms never end with helicoptering. My MIL is a college professor at GW and the stories the past 10 years are unreal. Parents calling, emailing teachers. Getting mad at health facilities that they weren’t notified of minor things. Coming in to decorate dorms, giving unlimited uber accounts, credit cards, not even asking them to work PT for spending money, etc.... So those kids really aren’t adulting yet. It is a major disadvantage.

Sour Grapes! Also "adulting" is not a verb. Sorry impoverished Mom.

Haha she must have struck a nerve. You must be one of those helicopter parents. Just wait till your kid starts to push back. That is usually the antedote.

I feel genuinely sorry for you losers with loser kids knocking the successful smart folks. Its un-American.

Oh honey, go back to your wine and looking at your ugly self in the mirror. botox and plastic surgery will heal your woes when your child goes off to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some parents do more than others. At this point, it is what it is. Move on.

Have you met the hockey moms yet?

The alum interviewers?

The families that set up scholarships at their ivy alma maters when their kids were 13 yo?

The ones sitting in th e endowment boards?

The ones running the public school or private school foundation (guidance counselors cite this)?

LOTS if families doing lots of college grooming for their kids.

Summer camp is an easy one....

We had one child about the bottom of the class get into Duke. Legacy with an alumni interview parent who runs and donates heavily to Duke and the private school. People still couldn’t believe no one else got in but that one student. Top tier kids were rejected. There are easy ways to game the system as long as you have money. And colleges love their money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your neighbor is an extreme case of a parent programming their child to be an appealing applicant. Obviously she achieved her goal but who knows if the child shared that goal or had any interest in film or all of the other activities forced upon her. It's a parent filling some gap in their own life through their child......actually pretty sad when you think about it.

Agree 100%.

Anyone defending this and saying they are doing the same for their own child...all I can say is that poor poor kid.

Stop living through your children, people.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this increasingly competitive landscape right now, it’s actually a very smart thing to do. Wish I had thought of it.

I agree. If my kid expresses interest in a subject or a course of study that happens to align with a certain school, and the school looks like a good fit for the kid and the family's finances, why not do activities at the school? I'm thinking this might be great for, say, a summer program at a particular college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister was disappointed her eldest, who got into a T20, didn't get into an Ivy.

For her second, she paid for a private college counselor starting the summer before freshman year. Counselor gave advice on classes and ECs, and child followed up on them for next three years. Plus essays etc. Second child got into an Ivy.

Both kids were at a Big 3.

White privilege.

Class issue. URMs with $ do it too.

But that isn't as fun for an "open-minded" liberal to post, though.

[Anonymous]

If the girl had to spend 4 years molding herself, then I would wonder what is so special about this school. Was it really a good fit? And isn’t it a shame that this girl wasted all her free time on film instrpead of on discovering where her real preferences were?

Failing to be this mom doesn’t mean failed parenting.

But your post doesn’t say what you did, so we can’t know what kind of parent you are.

[Anonymous]

Many of us have focused our efforts over the years on raising children rather than raising college applicants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say, it also depends on the personality of your kid.

I two kids who do very well academically, but one kid who is open to suggestions, and one kid who is resistant to everything. That latter kid will not be very competitive because besides having no hooks, she doesn't have much to make her stand out (unless watching reruns of "Friends" or hanging out in Sephora counts). Her extracurriculars are not that interesting from a college perspective (she goes to the gym, runs, goes to a local dance place which has no competitions...nothing that can prove to a college that she has self-motivation and grit)

I've let it go, because there's only so much pushing I can do given her personality. I've also let it go because I'm remembering that she is not on drugs/having sex/engaging in anything risky, and happy at her gym and dance classes.

OP and PPs, although I'm sad about it, I've had to make peace with it. Her brain is very interesting and philosophical, and I can imagine her with like-minded peers, grappling with the big questions, at a great university. She seems made for a very intellectual place. But you have to look at the whole child, not just that one part of them that is exceptional. Even if that exceptional part is her brain, which I would think that a university would want.

And I guess I'll just add that you have to look at the limitations of the parent, and this kid has worked me over so hard on various things that I have finally detached some; I had to, as at one point it was affecting my own health and I was neglecting the rest of my family. Sadly she has won her battles but lost the war when it comes to mom being her big champion in the college app process or anything else. As I was typing this I was interrupted by her, telling me how she was refusing to go to something tomorrow that she committed to going to. No argument from me; although it makes me sad. Big internal sigh and I just think, "whatever."

Sounds a lot like my DS. It's definitely hard to let go and make peace with it in this competitive environment. But, he is who he is. He'll need to target schools that are more stats-driven since he does have good grades and should have good SATs (based on strong PSAT). Given who he is, he probably wouldn't be happy at a highly competitive school anyway. At least he has figured out a clear academic direction, wanting to major in math.

It's funny, my DD is now very driven with her extracurriculars but when they were little positions were the reverse -- DS wanted to do everything and DD didn't want to do anything except play by herself outside. It was weird to feel like I was fighting against the parental stream in not signing her up for dance, soccer, etc. But the one time we tried a class with her she just sat and refused to participate. So, I had to learn then to let go of meeting outside expectations of what a kid "should" be doing and then had to learn it all over again when DS became a teen.

[Anonymous]

I try to balance the insanity. Not aiming for top schools...just want him to get into college! His dream schools now were ranked 100 and below, less than 10 years ago. Schools that appear to be matches/safeties now, will be below 30% acceptance in 2021. Are the kids/parents to blame for the insanity? No. Yield is controlling big money. We have crappy state schools in NY with the exception of one or two. OOS publics are appealing at this point. Privates aren't out of the question but it's still a crap shoot for a very good student who advocates for himself. Not looking forward to the next 2 years.