Did I not do enough to help my DD?

[Anonymous]

Funny. My oldest is 23 and my youngest is 19 and I'm starting to see more and more of my friends' kids doing things like rethinking their career aspirations in their mid 20's. I know of two kids who majored in econ and were headed for finance careers who are now paying for another year of undergraduate classes in order to apply to medical school, people who were pushed into law school who have quit after the first year to do something else.

I'm afraid that when parents hang on too tight, sometimes there is a very expensive reckoning/awakening that takes place when the 'child' hits the mid-20's or so, and realizes that for their whole lives they have been playing according to someone else's rules and no one really consulted them or allowed them to figure out who they were.

I remember an admissions session at William and Mary where the admissions rep joked about how "everyone here double majors. THey do one for them and one for mom and dad." In other words, they major in econ because that's the one that the parents picked, and major in music because it's what they love.

The problem is that at some point you have to let go and let them have their own dreams. I think maybe it's better to do that at 18 than at 25, when it becomes an expensive and costly mistake, which can cost several years to repair.

I'm sitting here knowing that my middle child has an interview this afternoon for a job that I thought was prestigious. I edited her resume and cover letter and suggested people that she might reach out to regarding the job. This morning she confessed that she really hopes she doesn't get the job because it's not actually what she wants to do. She wants to take a different job that pays less in a different part of the country, doing something different.

I guess maybe to some people that will make her a 'loser' and make me a 'loser' for not forcing her to do the thing that pays the most. But my greatest fear is that even if you pick out their house, their husband, their major, their college, their high school courses, their extra curriculars, etc. at some point they're going to resent you deeply and spend a lot of time and money undoing all those things that you thought you did for their benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny. My oldest is 23 and my youngest is 19 and I'm starting to see more and more of my friends' kids doing things like rethinking their career aspirations in their mid 20's. I know of two kids who majored in econ and were headed for finance careers who are now paying for another year of undergraduate classes in order to apply to medical school, people who were pushed into law school who have quit after the first year to do something else.

I'm afraid that when parents hang on too tight, sometimes there is a very expensive reckoning/awakening that takes place when the 'child' hits the mid-20's or so, and realizes that for their whole lives they have been playing according to someone else's rules and no one really consulted them or allowed them to figure out who they were.

I remember an admissions session at William and Mary where the admissions rep joked about how "everyone here double majors. THey do one for them and one for mom and dad." In other words, they major in econ because that's the one that the parents picked, and major in music because it's what they love.

The problem is that at some point you have to let go and let them have their own dreams. I think maybe it's better to do that at 18 than at 25, when it becomes an expensive and costly mistake, which can cost several years to repair.

I'm sitting here knowing that my middle child has an interview this afternoon for a job that I thought was prestigious. I edited her resume and cover letter and suggested people that she might reach out to regarding the job. This morning she confessed that she really hopes she doesn't get the job because it's not actually what she wants to do. She wants to take a different job that pays less in a different part of the country, doing something different.

I guess maybe to some people that will make her a 'loser' and make me a 'loser' for not forcing her to do the thing that pays the most. But my greatest fear is that even if you pick out their house, their husband, their major, their college, their high school courses, their extra curriculars, etc. at some point they're going to resent you deeply and spend a lot of time and money undoing all those things that you thought you did for their benefit.

I definitely think that's a concern. I dated a guy in my late 20s who was really nice but he worked in finance because that's what his dad wanted and he was pretty unhappy at work. His passion was plants and he really wanted to do landscape architecture but wouldn't go back to school because it wouldn't go over well with his dad. I broke up with him, in part, because I could see we would not have a happy life given his relationship w/ his parents and inability to follow his own dreams. I wonder about him sometimes, if he ever got up the guts to strike out on his own.

[Anonymous]

There is wisdom in that long post. Those of you with children coming up...believe it. Putting them first means listening to them and letting them discover who they are (not making them following some generic “formula for success” you tried to force feed them, because you know better)

[Anonymous]

Thoughtful post, but I’m not convinced of any connection to parents’ dictates. I changed careers away from the subject I studied, as have many friends and family. My parents weren’t at all involved in any of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny. My oldest is 23 and my youngest is 19 and I'm starting to see more and more of my friends' kids doing things like rethinking their career aspirations in their mid 20's. I know of two kids who majored in econ and were headed for finance careers who are now paying for another year of undergraduate classes in order to apply to medical school, people who were pushed into law school who have quit after the first year to do something else.

I'm afraid that when parents hang on too tight, sometimes there is a very expensive reckoning/awakening that takes place when the 'child' hits the mid-20's or so, and realizes that for their whole lives they have been playing according to someone else's rules and no one really consulted them or allowed them to figure out who they were.

I remember an admissions session at William and Mary where the admissions rep joked about how "everyone here double majors. THey do one for them and one for mom and dad." In other words, they major in econ because that's the one that the parents picked, and major in music because it's what they love.

The problem is that at some point you have to let go and let them have their own dreams. I think maybe it's better to do that at 18 than at 25, when it becomes an expensive and costly mistake, which can cost several years to repair.

I'm sitting here knowing that my middle child has an interview this afternoon for a job that I thought was prestigious. I edited her resume and cover letter and suggested people that she might reach out to regarding the job. This morning she confessed that she really hopes she doesn't get the job because it's not actually what she wants to do. She wants to take a different job that pays less in a different part of the country, doing something different.

I guess maybe to some people that will make her a 'loser' and make me a 'loser' for not forcing her to do the thing that pays the most. But my greatest fear is that even if you pick out their house, their husband, their major, their college, their high school courses, their extra curriculars, etc. at some point they're going to resent you deeply and spend a lot of time and money undoing all those things that you thought you did for their benefit.

Parents need to let go earlier than that.
Let them take electives they are passionate about and not college resume makers when they are in high school
Let them go off to the beach with friends instead of making them take a free internship all summer
Let them earn their own money instead of making them take hours of test prep courses
Let them head to the mall with friends alone at age 12
Let them go off at age 10 and explore the neighborhood on their bike
Let them walk home alone from the bus stop at age 7
Let them fall a bit at the playground at age 3

This generation of parents are so neurotic. They oversee and manage everything in their kids lives. Never let them make mistakes, never let them explore, never learn beyond the books/tests; like street smarts, common sense, autonomy, how to be a good person. Most kids comments are their parents only care about their grades, not them as a person. It is so sad. And we wonder why this generation has the highest depression and anxiety ever. Not to mention ADD/ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thoughtful post, but I’m not convinced of any connection to parents’ dictates. I changed careers away from the subject I studied, as have many friends and family. My parents weren’t at all involved in any of it.

She is talking of the parents right now, not when we were young.