Did I not do enough to help my DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son got into a top 20 and would not have without us. We encouraged him to sign up for ECs over the years, prepped him for the ACT, helped him work on a special fundraising project which he talked about in his essay, reviewed and edited his essays (did not rewrite...just gave input), contacted influential alumni who advocated on his behalf, etc. etc. This is how you get into an elite school these days without a hook. It's sad but true.

White privilege.

Rich white priviledge. Unfortunately, my daughter goes to private and is white on a lot of financial aid. She loves the school, teachers, and opportunities, but we don’t have 5 figures to spend on test prep and tutors. One mom admitted to spending close to 40K on just that alone. Fortunately my daughter doesn’t want the rat race to big name colleges because she is purposely avoiding pressure cooker environment and majority of rich whites. She has already received some merit packages at OOS colleges. She test prepped herself with some books. I didn’t look at any essay, her applications, etc... We just did the FAFSA and CSS as needed. If your child isn’t ready to apply to college without mommy, are they even ready to be an adult and to attend college? You are a good mom OP. No guilt. Some moms never end with helicoptering. My MIL is a college professor at GW and the stories the past 10 years are unreal. Parents calling, emailing teachers. Getting mad at health facilities that they weren’t notified of minor things. Coming in to decorate dorms, giving unlimited uber accounts, credit cards, not even asking them to work PT for spending money, etc.... So those kids really aren’t adulting yet. It is a major disadvantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son got into a top 20 and would not have without us. We encouraged him to sign up for ECs over the years, prepped him for the ACT, helped him work on a special fundraising project which he talked about in his essay, reviewed and edited his essays (did not rewrite...just gave input), contacted influential alumni who advocated on his behalf, etc. etc. This is how you get into an elite school these days without a hook. It's sad but true.

White privilege.

Rich white priviledge. Unfortunately, my daughter goes to private and is white on a lot of financial aid. She loves the school, teachers, and opportunities, but we don’t have 5 figures to spend on test prep and tutors. One mom admitted to spending close to 40K on just that alone. Fortunately my daughter doesn’t want the rat race to big name colleges because she is purposely avoiding pressure cooker environment and majority of rich whites. She has already received some merit packages at OOS colleges. She test prepped herself with some books. I didn’t look at any essay, her applications, etc... We just did the FAFSA and CSS as needed. If your child isn’t ready to apply to college without mommy, are they even ready to be an adult and to attend college? You are a good mom OP. No guilt. Some moms never end with helicoptering. My MIL is a college professor at GW and the stories the past 10 years are unreal. Parents calling, emailing teachers. Getting mad at health facilities that they weren’t notified of minor things. Coming in to decorate dorms, giving unlimited uber accounts, credit cards, not even asking them to work PT for spending money, etc.... So those kids really aren’t adulting yet. It is a major disadvantage.

Sour Grapes! Also "adulting" is not a verb. Sorry impoverished Mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son got into a top 20 and would not have without us. We encouraged him to sign up for ECs over the years, prepped him for the ACT, helped him work on a special fundraising project which he talked about in his essay, reviewed and edited his essays (did not rewrite...just gave input), contacted influential alumni who advocated on his behalf, etc. etc. This is how you get into an elite school these days without a hook. It's sad but true.

White privilege.

Rich white priviledge. Unfortunately, my daughter goes to private and is white on a lot of financial aid. She loves the school, teachers, and opportunities, but we don’t have 5 figures to spend on test prep and tutors. One mom admitted to spending close to 40K on just that alone. Fortunately my daughter doesn’t want the rat race to big name colleges because she is purposely avoiding pressure cooker environment and majority of rich whites. She has already received some merit packages at OOS colleges. She test prepped herself with some books. I didn’t look at any essay, her applications, etc... We just did the FAFSA and CSS as needed. If your child isn’t ready to apply to college without mommy, are they even ready to be an adult and to attend college? You are a good mom OP. No guilt. Some moms never end with helicoptering. My MIL is a college professor at GW and the stories the past 10 years are unreal. Parents calling, emailing teachers. Getting mad at health facilities that they weren’t notified of minor things. Coming in to decorate dorms, giving unlimited uber accounts, credit cards, not even asking them to work PT for spending money, etc.... So those kids really aren’t adulting yet. It is a major disadvantage.

SO judgemental!! What's the point of education or working hard for money if not to benefit your kids. Why is it necessary for you to be judgemental about how other people spend their personal money. I sounds like your daughter was weak or a poor student so you withdrew from the high pressured private school world. It also sounds like she only applied to schools with simple applications (which is not at all the case for kids applying to top schools). I am so sorry that you are not able to give your daughter a firm foundation and instead of looking in the mirror have decided to demonize others. We are ALL trying to be good parents...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son got into a top 20 and would not have without us. We encouraged him to sign up for ECs over the years, prepped him for the ACT, helped him work on a special fundraising project which he talked about in his essay, reviewed and edited his essays (did not rewrite...just gave input), contacted influential alumni who advocated on his behalf, etc. etc. This is how you get into an elite school these days without a hook. It's sad but true.

White privilege.

Rich white priviledge. Unfortunately, my daughter goes to private and is white on a lot of financial aid. She loves the school, teachers, and opportunities, but we don’t have 5 figures to spend on test prep and tutors. One mom admitted to spending close to 40K on just that alone. Fortunately my daughter doesn’t want the rat race to big name colleges because she is purposely avoiding pressure cooker environment and majority of rich whites. She has already received some merit packages at OOS colleges. She test prepped herself with some books. I didn’t look at any essay, her applications, etc... We just did the FAFSA and CSS as needed. If your child isn’t ready to apply to college without mommy, are they even ready to be an adult and to attend college? You are a good mom OP. No guilt. Some moms never end with helicoptering. My MIL is a college professor at GW and the stories the past 10 years are unreal. Parents calling, emailing teachers. Getting mad at health facilities that they weren’t notified of minor things. Coming in to decorate dorms, giving unlimited uber accounts, credit cards, not even asking them to work PT for spending money, etc.... So those kids really aren’t adulting yet. It is a major disadvantage.

I hear you! The amount of time and money parents seem to spend on getting their kid into a college that they wouldn’t get in on their own is astounding, even in public schools. I refuse to jump in on that game. If my child asks for help, I will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son got into a top 20 and would not have without us. We encouraged him to sign up for ECs over the years, prepped him for the ACT, helped him work on a special fundraising project which he talked about in his essay, reviewed and edited his essays (did not rewrite...just gave input), contacted influential alumni who advocated on his behalf, etc. etc. This is how you get into an elite school these days without a hook. It's sad but true.

White privilege.

Rich white priviledge. Unfortunately, my daughter goes to private and is white on a lot of financial aid. She loves the school, teachers, and opportunities, but we don’t have 5 figures to spend on test prep and tutors. One mom admitted to spending close to 40K on just that alone. Fortunately my daughter doesn’t want the rat race to big name colleges because she is purposely avoiding pressure cooker environment and majority of rich whites. She has already received some merit packages at OOS colleges. She test prepped herself with some books. I didn’t look at any essay, her applications, etc... We just did the FAFSA and CSS as needed. If your child isn’t ready to apply to college without mommy, are they even ready to be an adult and to attend college? You are a good mom OP. No guilt. Some moms never end with helicoptering. My MIL is a college professor at GW and the stories the past 10 years are unreal. Parents calling, emailing teachers. Getting mad at health facilities that they weren’t notified of minor things. Coming in to decorate dorms, giving unlimited uber accounts, credit cards, not even asking them to work PT for spending money, etc.... So those kids really aren’t adulting yet. It is a major disadvantage.

I hear you! The amount of time and money parents seem to spend on getting their kid into a college that they wouldn’t get in on their own is astounding, even in public schools. I refuse to jump in on that game. If my child asks for help, I will.

You really have zero clues. Do you even have children? You clearly have no understanding of the scope that parenting includes. No student is going to get into an excellent college without being 100% committed to everything it takes to get into that college. Whether a parent has paid for help with tutoring or classes, has made suggestions along the way in no way negates that student's achievement. Like I said, its called parenting.

Maybe for you parenting is paying the rent and putting a frozen pizza on the table. To each his own.

[Anonymous]

<<The amount of time and money parents seem to spend on getting their kid into a college that they wouldn’t get in on their own is astounding>>

I have hard of kids who crashed and burned under this scenario. The parents rigged the system so the child could go into a school that was above her head. She was so stressed and felt inadequate because she knew that the other students were in a different league academically. She dropped out of school and it had mental health consequences. Some of these kids also cheat or use drugs to enhance their performance.

How about you figure out which school is a good fit for your child. Then, support him or her in applying to said school. Buying their way in is NOT a formula for their academic success, mental health or self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:<<The amount of time and money parents seem to spend on getting their kid into a college that they wouldn’t get in on their own is astounding>>

I have hard of kids who crashed and burned under this scenario. The parents rigged the system so the child could go into a school that was above her head. She was so stressed and felt inadequate because she knew that the other students were in a different league academically. She dropped out of school and it had mental health consequences. Some of these kids also cheat or use drugs to enhance their performance.

How about you figure out which school is a good fit for your child. Then, support him or her in applying to said school. Buying their way in is NOT a formula for their academic success, mental health or self esteem.

Nonsense.

[Anonymous]

We're in the midst of the process but right now I'm feeling incredibly relieved that my son has gotten into the first two schools he's heard from (EA). He's got strong grades and SAT scores but is introverted and wasn't interested in joining a lot of clubs or activities. We made the decision not to make him miserable by pushing him to do things for the sake of college applications, but I was afraid that he was going to regret it this year.

I think he's a long shot at some of the other places he's applied to, but if he doesn't get in to any more schools, he'll be fine. So don't feel like you need to check all the boxes.

[Anonymous]

You know what? Everyone does what they can. Don't beat yourself up if you didn't Machiavellicly plan like her.

I'm doing the same thing, albeit a little more low-key. Building an interest in a university that has a policy of drastic tuition reduction for our language group. It's a pretty large enough uni that I hope my kids will find something there to interest them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some parents do more than others. At this point, it is what it is. Move on.

Have you met the hockey moms yet?

The alum interviewers?

The families that set up scholarships at their ivy alma maters when their kids were 13 yo?

The ones sitting in th e endowment boards?

The ones running the public school or private school foundation (guidance counselors cite this)?

LOTS if families doing lots of college grooming for their kids.

Summer camp is an easy one....

[Anonymous]

My husband has been very lucky in life and is also very laid back. He may not see many of his successes as luck.

He is very laid back at parenting our children and has a go-with-the-flow style. Not pushing any sports, clubs, interests. Never tutors them or checks their work or outs pressure in them. He thinks it will all take care is itself and the school will take care if it too. He went to school in England, where he grew up, so is also unfamiliar with the system here.

I fear it will be a long slog for me once our kids hit high school. We both work full time so I see my neighborhood where half the households have someone working at home or Pt or SAH, and see how they cozy up with teachers, coaches, other families w older kids, etc. It makes me exhausted already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:<<The amount of time and money parents seem to spend on getting their kid into a college that they wouldn’t get in on their own is astounding>>

I have hard of kids who crashed and burned under this scenario. The parents rigged the system so the child could go into a school that was above her head. She was so stressed and felt inadequate because she knew that the other students were in a different league academically. She dropped out of school and it had mental health consequences. Some of these kids also cheat or use drugs to enhance their performance.

How about you figure out which school is a good fit for your child. Then, support him or her in applying to said school. Buying their way in is NOT a formula for their academic success, mental health or self esteem.

And I know 100s who did get in, thrived, and graduated in four years with a full time job and signing bonus- or right to grad school often in the same school.

[Anonymous]

The overachiever families in our neighborhood do very well at college matriculation. Mix of public mcps kids and all the DC and MD private schools. The kids really enjoy the last semester of high school and find college easy the first year or too, esp if not stem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Coming up with a Master Plan when the child is in Middle School, and basing all of their choices (for camps, activities, etc) on that...is not being a good parent to me. It is painting that kid into a corner (assigning them to a box, which you have labeled success) when you should all be exploring who they are. By having a breadth of experiences, and pursuing what appeals to them AS THEY GROW into who they are meant to be...they will achieve happiness and fulfillment. NOT by hiring consultants who can rig some artificial childhood that looks good to admissions committees five years later. That is not a healthy, natural childhood.

Agree, but the people doing this sort of artificial packaging aren’t healthy parents.

At what point is it not artificial?

The 2nd semester when she switches to School if Business?

Or when she graduates and moves to Los Angeles to work for Legendary Pictures?

[Anonymous]

I just want to say, it also depends on the personality of your kid.

I two kids who do very well academically, but one kid who is open to suggestions, and one kid who is resistant to everything. That latter kid will not be very competitive because besides having no hooks, she doesn't have much to make her stand out (unless watching reruns of "Friends" or hanging out in Sephora counts). Her extracurriculars are not that interesting from a college perspective (she goes to the gym, runs, goes to a local dance place which has no competitions...nothing that can prove to a college that she has self-motivation and grit)

I've let it go, because there's only so much pushing I can do given her personality. I've also let it go because I'm remembering that she is not on drugs/having sex/engaging in anything risky, and happy at her gym and dance classes.

OP and PPs, although I'm sad about it, I've had to make peace with it. Her brain is very interesting and philosophical, and I can imagine her with like-minded peers, grappling with the big questions, at a great university. She seems made for a very intellectual place. But you have to look at the whole child, not just that one part of them that is exceptional. Even if that exceptional part is her brain, which I would think that a university would want.

And I guess I'll just add that you have to look at the limitations of the parent, and this kid has worked me over so hard on various things that I have finally detached some; I had to, as at one point it was affecting my own health and I was neglecting the rest of my family. Sadly she has won her battles but lost the war when it comes to mom being her big champion in the college app process or anything else. As I was typing this I was interrupted by her, telling me how she was refusing to go to something tomorrow that she committed to going to. No argument from me; although it makes me sad. Big internal sigh and I just think, "whatever."