Did I not do enough to help my DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our neighbor is a bit obsessed with one particular top college for her DD, and has been for years. Starting the summer before her DD’s sophomore year in highschool, she signed her up for pre college summer courses at said school, and continued to find what I now perceive to be smart ways to build a case of genuine interest. Finally, said school announced they were opening a new film department and the DD targeted her extracurricular towards demonstrating an interest in film and, you guessed it, she specifically targeted that major in her application essays. In my opinion, this girl stood out for interest over the years and by applying to a new program for which the school wanted to build its reputation and fill its seats. Now, with results out this past week (she was accepted ED) I started looking at my neighbor as brilliant and wished my brain worked this way and that I had provided more strategic guidance to my DD who was going through the process at the same time. I am kicking myself. Am I the only one that didn’t get on this train early enough?

I dunno, but there are always those who pop the cork on the champagne and those who make excuses. OTH, you really cannot push a kid to do something he or she doesn't want to do. It just won't work out well.

[Anonymous]

Ideally your child develops his or her passions and interests and finds the school where that interest or passion aligns with a college’s priorities or trajectory (eg kid really is film and applies to schools that are investing in digital media and filmmaking).

But yeah you can steer your kids, if they are the type who will go along with it and their grades and test scores match the college you are referring. And attending summer programs etc is one way to do it. Another is to donate a building.

[Anonymous]

"Did you read the OP's post? The kid was 100% behind this and happy about the result. That poor kid??"

The OP's post implied this but being 100% behind it at 14 or 15 or 16 does not necessarily lead to being 100% behind it at 18 or 19 or 20.

At that point, DC has to disappoint their parent. It can be a pretty traumatic experience.

Sometimes, the kid can't do it. They finish the degree and then move home.

The parent wonders why they don't get a job or why the job has nothing to do with the major.

At some point, every person has to take control of their own lives.

It is much better to go through that process in HS when mistakes aren't costing college tuition.

But if it doesn't happen in HS, it is better for it to happen in college, even if it costs some tuition, than for it to happen at a first job or during a first marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your neighbor is an extreme case of a parent programming their child to be an appealing applicant. Obviously she achieved her goal but who knows if the child shared that goal or had any interest in film or all of the other activities forced upon her. It's a parent filling some gap in their own life through their child......actually pretty sad when you think about it.

Agree 100%.

Anyone defending this and saying they are doing the same for their own child...all I can say is that poor poor kid.

Stop living through your children, people.

Did you read the OP's post? The kid was 100% behind this and happy about the result. That poor kid??

How would you know this? Because OP said it was so? Because the neighbor said it was so? Because the child said it was so? You haven't a clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your neighbor is an extreme case of a parent programming their child to be an appealing applicant. Obviously she achieved her goal but who knows if the child shared that goal or had any interest in film or all of the other activities forced upon her. It's a parent filling some gap in their own life through their child......actually pretty sad when you think about it.

Agree 100%.

Anyone defending this and saying they are doing the same for their own child...all I can say is that poor poor kid.

Stop living through your children, people.

Did you read the OP's post? The kid was 100% behind this and happy about the result. That poor kid??

How would you know this? Because OP said it was so? Because the neighbor said it was so? Because the child said it was so? You haven't a clue.

umm... yeah, because OP said so. I just go with what was written. If the facts are different, then I'd reach a different conclusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your neighbor is an extreme case of a parent programming their child to be an appealing applicant. Obviously she achieved her goal but who knows if the child shared that goal or had any interest in film or all of the other activities forced upon her. It's a parent filling some gap in their own life through their child......actually pretty sad when you think about it.

No it’s not at all. I am doing the same with my own middle school child and I know others who do it as well. They are usually the ones who tell you they don’t care about such things and really can’t be bothered to helicopter. All you have to do is listen to them talk about their child and the type of activities they have their child in and notice a pattern and comment on it. That’s when the parent is so proud of their engineering of the situation they tell you all about how they are building a “resume” for their child for college acceptance.

Oh and for the other poster - film school admission was obviously just a means to an end for the neighbor. The student can switch majors.

Perhaps your child needs extra hand-holding, direction and guidance but many do not. And this incessant helicoptering isn't making them better people or preparing them to be high-functioning adults.

[Anonymous]

OP if this college is highly selective, then your neighbor and her kid did a lot to position the child for possible admission to this school but it still isn’t a guarantee.

Imagine how pissed mom would have been the kid didn’t get in. At a certain point it is a crap shoot.

[Anonymous]

Coming up with a Master Plan when the child is in Middle School, and basing all of their choices (for camps, activities, etc) on that...is not being a good parent to me. It is painting that kid into a corner (assigning them to a box, which you have labeled success) when you should all be exploring who they are. By having a breadth of experiences, and pursuing what appeals to them AS THEY GROW into who they are meant to be...they will achieve happiness and fulfillment. NOT by hiring consultants who can rig some artificial childhood that looks good to admissions committees five years later. That is not a healthy, natural childhood.

[Anonymous]

That kind of thing only works if you're willing to micro manage your child through college and beyond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some parents do more than others. At this point, it is what it is. Move on.

This! Some parents do the research, figure out the formula (or pay consultants) and build their student's profile (choice of classes, Ecs, test prep, summer activities, volunteerism, etc.) over the course of their high school years to fit that formula. You do you!

[Anonymous]

Don share the school please.

[Anonymous]

Yeah but what good will come of going to film school in this economy?

Chances are very slim that your neighbor's DD is the next Steven Spielberg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah but what good will come of going to film school in this economy?

Chances are very slim that your neighbor's DD is the next Steven Spielberg.

Plenty. Maybe all the graduates won’t be making feature length films but we are in the golden age of content — steaming services, movies, youtube, marketing — all need people with visual storytelling skills.

And a PP is right. Once you are in a university picking a different major than you intended to going in is pretty easy (except for engineering).

[Anonymous]

I am this child. My mother had a heavy hand in my college selection, school activities and early adult life. I was a very obidient child and just went along..... and now am full of regret.

Let your child fail occasionally and learn from the mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Our son got into a top 20 and would not have without us. We encouraged him to sign up for ECs over the years, prepped him for the ACT, helped him work on a special fundraising project which he talked about in his essay, reviewed and edited his essays (did not rewrite...just gave input), contacted influential alumni who advocated on his behalf, etc. etc. This is how you get into an elite school these days without a hook. It's sad but true.