Did I not do enough to help my DD?

[Anonymous]

Our neighbor is a bit obsessed with one particular top college for her DD, and has been for years. Starting the summer before her DD’s sophomore year in highschool, she signed her up for pre college summer courses at said school, and continued to find what I now perceive to be smart ways to build a case of genuine interest. Finally, said school announced they were opening a new film department and the DD targeted her extracurricular towards demonstrating an interest in film and, you guessed it, she specifically targeted that major in her application essays. In my opinion, this girl stood out for interest over the years and by applying to a new program for which the school wanted to build its reputation and fill its seats. Now, with results out this past week (she was accepted ED) I started looking at my neighbor as brilliant and wished my brain worked this way and that I had provided more strategic guidance to my DD who was going through the process at the same time. I am kicking myself. Am I the only one that didn’t get on this train early enough?

[Anonymous]

Some parents do more than others. At this point, it is what it is. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Your neighbor is an extreme case of a parent programming their child to be an appealing applicant. Obviously she achieved her goal but who knows if the child shared that goal or had any interest in film or all of the other activities forced upon her. It's a parent filling some gap in their own life through their child......actually pretty sad when you think about it.

[Anonymous]

The strategy looks good right now but what will happen when the student actually starts college next fall?

What friend's DD wanted after her freshman year in HS may be quite different than what she wants her freshman year of college.

Right now friend's DD is basking in the glory of getting in to a school where she needed all that strategy to get in.

Next fall, friend's DD may be regretting going to a school where 80% (or some such number) of the school is better prepared.

Next Christmas, friend's DD may be devastated that despite trying as hard as she could (and shutting herself in the library to study every weekend) she only got a 2.0.

It may turn out that getting a job out of a brand new film department is next to impossible since they have no reputation in the film world.

While a new film department at a strong school may be anchored to one or two big names in film, the other two or three faculty are likely similar to friend's DD.

The only faculty job they could get was in a brand new department. They may turn out to be great but most likely their first 4 years of the tenure process, they aren't going to be much fun to be around.

It really gets down to the idea that it is more important to pour your heart and sole into what you do at college rather than worrying about which college you attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your neighbor is an extreme case of a parent programming their child to be an appealing applicant. Obviously she achieved her goal but who knows if the child shared that goal or had any interest in film or all of the other activities forced upon her. It's a parent filling some gap in their own life through their child......actually pretty sad when you think about it.

No it’s not at all. I am doing the same with my own middle school child and I know others who do it as well. They are usually the ones who tell you they don’t care about such things and really can’t be bothered to helicopter. All you have to do is listen to them talk about their child and the type of activities they have their child in and notice a pattern and comment on it. That’s when the parent is so proud of their engineering of the situation they tell you all about how they are building a “resume” for their child for college acceptance.

Oh and for the other poster - film school admission was obviously just a means to an end for the neighbor. The student can switch majors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your neighbor is an extreme case of a parent programming their child to be an appealing applicant. Obviously she achieved her goal but who knows if the child shared that goal or had any interest in film or all of the other activities forced upon her. It's a parent filling some gap in their own life through their child......actually pretty sad when you think about it.


No it’s not at all. I am doing the same with my own middle school child and I know others who do it as well. They are usually the ones who tell you they don’t care about such things and really can’t be bothered to helicopter. All you have to do is listen to them talk about their child and the type of activities they have their child in and notice a pattern and comment on it. That’s when the parent is so proud of their engineering of the situation they tell you all about how they are building a “resume” for their child for college acceptance.

Oh and for the other poster - film school admission was obviously just a means to an end for the neighbor. The student can switch majors.

It depends on the school. If it is a university, other programs may be much harder to get into and the student could get frozen out when they go to switch. This is a very real risk.

[Anonymous]

In this increasingly competitive landscape right now, it’s actually a very smart thing to do. Wish I had thought of it.

[Anonymous]

Our neighbor is a bit obsessed with one particular top college for her DD, and has been for years. Starting the summer before her DD’s sophomore year in highschool, she signed her up for pre college summer courses at said school, and continued to find what I now perceive to be smart ways to build a case of genuine interest. Finally, said school announced they were opening a new film department and the DD targeted her extracurricular towards demonstrating an interest in film and, you guessed it, she specifically targeted that major in her application essays. In my opinion, this girl stood out for interest over the years and by applying to a new program for which the school wanted to build its reputation and fill its seats. Now, with results out this past week (she was accepted ED) I started looking at my neighbor as brilliant and wished my brain worked this way and that I had provided more strategic guidance to my DD who was going through the process at the same time. I am kicking myself. Am I the only one that didn’t get on this train early enough?[/quote]

Definitely not. Remember, it's your child's life. They will be happier and more successful if they had a big hand in these decisions along the way. I worry for this student that she won't be able to live up to mommy's expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this increasingly competitive landscape right now, it’s actually a very smart thing to do. Wish I had thought of it.

Yep, this really is the kind of thing you need to do these days to stand out from the crowd. No guarantees even that will work, but it gives them a bit of an edge. And notice the DD was all behind this effort too, so it's not like the mom pushed her into something she was lukewarm about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your neighbor is an extreme case of a parent programming their child to be an appealing applicant. Obviously she achieved her goal but who knows if the child shared that goal or had any interest in film or all of the other activities forced upon her. It's a parent filling some gap in their own life through their child......actually pretty sad when you think about it.

Agree 100%.

Anyone defending this and saying they are doing the same for their own child...all I can say is that poor poor kid.

Stop living through your children, people.

[Anonymous]

I will tell you what you want to hear, this is ridiculous.

I'm also fine with my kid not going to the most selective schools in the country, though. More inportant for him to make his own life decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your neighbor is an extreme case of a parent programming their child to be an appealing applicant. Obviously she achieved her goal but who knows if the child shared that goal or had any interest in film or all of the other activities forced upon her. It's a parent filling some gap in their own life through their child......actually pretty sad when you think about it.

Agree 100%.

Anyone defending this and saying they are doing the same for their own child...all I can say is that poor poor kid.

Stop living through your children, people.

Did you read the OP's post? The kid was 100% behind this and happy about the result. That poor kid??

[Anonymous]

lucky kid

[Anonymous]

OP, my parents wanted me to go to the local state school near our little rural farming community. I was fiercely determined to get out, and got into Harvard all by myself, DESPITE my parents/teachers/friends.

Your ambivalence wouldn't have held your kid back from where she wanted to go. I feel sorry for the kids who simply sit back and let mommy forge a path for them.

[Anonymous]

Sure, fine, it worked out. But what if she hadn’t gotten in? Lotta eggs in one basket and could have been a big mess. Also it’s rare for kids that young to know absolutely what they want to study or do, or for that matter where they want to go to school. My first later realized his dream college from a young age wasn’t at all what he wanted when the time came.