At what age would you tell a child about an affair?

[Anonymous]

The damage to the children comes at the moment the affair took place, not the moment the child learns of the affair.

When Uncle Joe goes to prison for robbing a bank, do you blame the cousin Lulu for the emotional damage the kids experience when she spills the beans? No. Uncle Joe hurt his children by doing something harmful. Expecting everyone else to play along in an elaborate scenario of normalizing it is extremely dysfunctional.

It is possible to tell children facts without alienating them. You don't have to sit them down on tears and rage about how you felt, encourage them to see how horrible their father was, and tell them to pick sides. THAT is damaging.

You can sit them down and explain what happened, explain that it had nothing to do with them, that it doesn't change how much both parents love them, and reinforce that you don't want them to feel like they need to pick sides because there are no sides to pick. That's what divorce means. The marriage is over, the war is over. Let them process the information, let them know it's OK to have feelings about what they've learned. It's OK to feel upset with a parent. It's an extremely tough lesson for kids to learn that their parents are fallible. But it's an importent one that will serve them well in life.

I'd rather have kids who learn these nuances rather than believe it's best to keep these things under wraps. It's no wonder so many marriages end with affairs if this is how so many people are raising kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my kid around 15. I won’t hide anyone. You cheat, I tell people. You should be embarrassed.

It’s so classy to use your kid as a weapon against someone else.

I’m not lying for you are anyone. I’m honest with my kid. Sorry not sorry.

So if your kid is ugly or fat do you tell them when they are 15? Or do you cover it up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My aunt and uncle split up when I was 8 and by the time I was 11 it was normal and I had no interest in why it had happened.

I'm sure this would have been different if it had been my parents. But OP, if you are so invested in what is going on with your siblings (or siblings-in-law) that you are picturing some big reveal of this incriminating info at an "appropriate age," just know that what would be really appropriate would be for you to not be this invested.

Exactly. Your kid doesn’t and likely won’t care. What, would you want them to cut the person in question out of their life? Respect them less? What is the end goal here? You must just want to stir up drama.

How about, sometimes people cheat, sometimes people divorce. ... life moves on.

it's not drama, it's the truth.

Why is everybody trying to raise snowflakes. Kids don't' need to be protected from life.

Because the only reason you would tell a kid this is for them to form a narrative that the cheating spouse is “bad” and the betrayed spouse is “good.” At least, that is what they will likely take from it. MOST adults (not all) realize that it’s often more nuanced than that - but kids don’t really get it and there’s just no point in asking them to understand the complexities of someone else’s marriage. Again, what’s the end goal here?

Open and honest conversation with your kids.

Not ignoring the elephant in the room.

Having kids see life goes on even when everything is all f'd up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are no victims in an affair. The marriage must have been on the rocks before it started.
Just tell a kid that adult life gets complicated. They are definitely not going to loose friends because someone had an affair. Perhaps some fake church friends, but not real ones

Well that's some blame-shifting right there, folks. Affairs happen for all kinds of reasons, but there are absolutely victims. Ask the children of affairs, the children whose parents had affairs and the spouses of those who have chosen to have affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The person from 19:37 who said "hide your shame" has no sense of boundaries with children. Shame on YOU. Using your children because you are angry *is* the epitome of a person with serious issues. I hope you don't have children of your own. Grow up.

You don't hide from kids what is obvious.. alcoholism, abuse, affairs.

The kids grow up with no sense of what is normal when they are led to believe everything in their f'd up house was normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My dad had an affair for about a year before my mother found out. I was 9-10 at the time. She told me. Not only did she tell me, she wanted to make the decision whether she should stay or leave him. Ultimately, she did the exact opposite of what I decided.

It screwed me up.

A child doesn’t need to know the specifics of the divorce or the affair. Period.

+1000. My ex cheated. The kids were about 11 and 7 at the time. They are adults now. They have no idea that their dad cheated and left us. They just know their parents were divorced. I will never tell them. I've wanted to many times. But I would never do it. They don't deserve to be pulled into that mess.

You don't actually know if they know.

They may know and just are hiding it from you to save your feelings.

this. the kids ALWAYS know. You think families don't gossip??

I don't believe they know. I'm not sure how they could. But if for some reason they do know, they also know that their dad and I cared enough about them to try to shield them from the ugliness of infedelity. If they asked me directly, I would answer honestly. But they never have. And they are mid and late 20s.

or they go to therapy and talk about how your family never talked about the elephant in the room and it was not okay to talk about feeling and issues in the family.

Wrong.
Telling requires 3 hours of what led up to the affair which often reflects badly on the other partner. Once part of the story is told the whole thing and all the details are needed to put it in context. All that information can truly be heartbreaking. Without the full story with all the back and forth blame it's not the truth.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest getting yourself into therapy to work through all of this. Your anger and hurt is understandable, but it’s not helping you and it’s clouding your judgment

Thanks for your concern. We've actually been seeing 3 separate psychologists. One for me and one each for my kids. The kids' doctors were the ones who raised the issue of telling the children sooner than later so as to control the narrative and minimize the risk that they will experience a second major betrayal (learning that I also lied to them). Google second betrayal and you'll learn it's a very real and traumatizing event for children.

I'm going to go with the advice of the doctors who know my children and the specifics of the case.

We are just going to have to agree to disagree. It is always, always, always healthier to go with the truth and make sure they have the best emotional and psychological support necessary to process the information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my kid around 15. I won’t hide anyone. You cheat, I tell people. You should be embarrassed.

It’s so classy to use your kid as a weapon against someone else.

I’m not lying for you are anyone. I’m honest with my kid. Sorry not sorry.

So if your kid is ugly or fat do you tell them when they are 15? Or do you cover it up?

I would tell them they are fat even younger than 15.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my kid around 15. I won’t hide anyone. You cheat, I tell people. You should be embarrassed.

It’s so classy to use your kid as a weapon against someone else.

I’m not lying for you are anyone. I’m honest with my kid. Sorry not sorry.

So if your kid is ugly or fat do you tell them when they are 15? Or do you cover it up?

I would tell them they are fat even younger than 15.

So that's the kind of person you are. Thought so. Talk about a future of therapy.

[Anonymous]

You either keep it private or tell the whole truth including character flaws on both sides that lead to affairs and relationship collapse. Partial information is misleading and damaging to the children.

[Anonymous]

Tell the truth. Speak the truth!! If you leave it up to little kids to decide for themselves what happened you will likely be horrified by what conclusions they draw about marriage.

I remember sitting at Thanksgiving dinner as a middle schooler, and my newlywed cousin had two black eyes and a hand print bruise on her upper arm. And all my family members were laughing and carrying on with her husband like it was normal, like it's was OK.

I remember assuming it MUST have been her fault, for everyone to be acting like everything was fine like that.

[Anonymous]

You either keep it private or tell the whole truth including character flaws on both sides that lead to affairs and relationship collapse. Partial information is misleading and damaging to the children.

The only 100% unbiased facts are that two people were married. One person unilaterally made the decision to cheat. The marriage ended as a result. Those are the only facts. That's the whole truth. Anything more than that is NO DIFFERENT than excusing other immoral behavior. "he raped her because she wore a short skirt and hadn't had sex with him for 3 years and she shouldn't have been walking alone at night and must have wanted it or why would she have gone to that party? " nope. Nope. Nope. Not playing that game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You either keep it private or tell the whole truth including character flaws on both sides that lead to affairs and relationship collapse. Partial information is misleading and damaging to the children.

The only 100% unbiased facts are that two people were married. One person unilaterally made the decision to cheat. The marriage ended as a result. Those are the only facts. That's the whole truth. Anything more than that is NO DIFFERENT than excusing other immoral behavior. "he raped her because she wore a short skirt and hadn't had sex with him for 3 years and she shouldn't have been walking alone at night and must have wanted it or why would she have gone to that party? " nope. Nope. Nope. Not playing that game.

It's not even close to the whole truth. The truth is always quite complicated. If a husband is awfully cruel to a wife or vice versa it's the cruelty that broke the marriage not the broken person that ran to the safety of another partner. There is character flaws all over the marriage and the only thing that educates correctly is total truth. Partial truth leads to poor learning and a future of poor decisions made from incomplete and misleading nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The damage to the children comes at the moment the affair took place, not the moment the child learns of the affair.

When Uncle Joe goes to prison for robbing a bank, do you blame the cousin Lulu for the emotional damage the kids experience when she spills the beans? No. Uncle Joe hurt his children by doing something harmful. Expecting everyone else to play along in an elaborate scenario of normalizing it is extremely dysfunctional.

It is possible to tell children facts without alienating them. You don't have to sit them down on tears and rage about how you felt, encourage them to see how horrible their father was, and tell them to pick sides. THAT is damaging.

You can sit them down and explain what happened, explain that it had nothing to do with them, that it doesn't change how much both parents love them, and reinforce that you don't want them to feel like they need to pick sides because there are no sides to pick. That's what divorce means. The marriage is over, the war is over. Let them process the information, let them know it's OK to have feelings about what they've learned. It's OK to feel upset with a parent. It's an extremely tough lesson for kids to learn that their parents are fallible. But it's an importent one that will serve them well in life.

I'd rather have kids who learn these nuances rather than believe it's best to keep these things under wraps. It's no wonder so many marriages end with affairs if this is how so many people are raising kids!

+1. I liked this, but i guess I’m biaeed because my ex cheated

[Anonymous]

It's not even close to the whole truth. The truth is always quite complicated. If a husband is awfully cruel to a wife or vice versa it's the cruelty that broke the marriage not the broken person that ran to the safety of another partner. There is character flaws all over the marriage and the only thing that educates correctly is total truth. Partial truth leads to poor learning and a future of poor decisions made from incomplete and misleading nonsense.

No. the cruelty did not break the marriage. Both partners made adult decisions to stay married during the cruelty. If the cruelty broke the marriage, it would look like this:

Husband is extremely cruel to wife. Wife leaves him, initiates divorce.

There is literally NO excuse for "running to the safety of another partner." End your marriage first. Behave like you have morals, are accountable for your actions, and understand that your actions have consequences. It's not hard. Stop trying to justify your behavior. It's not justifiable. Own your poor life choices. Don't expect others to try and accept your disordered thinking.