At what age would you tell a child about an affair?

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier and advocate for telling when the kids are late teens for a lot of reasons.

Stand behind that, but want to qualify by saying you need to factor in whether telling your kid will put them in a difficult position. For instance, if your daughter Susie is very close with her cousin Janie, and it was Janie's mom Larla who had the affair. If Janie doesn't know herself what happened, telling Susie puts her in a really lousy place where she now has to keep a secret from Janie, or be the one to tell her about her mom. In that case, I think keeping mum might be best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would twll an older teen if they were asking questions and not satisfied by vague explanations.

This. It's better to tell than to lie. Being lied to by one's parents is a very big deal to a teenager. And really, affair-havers don't have any claim to privacy. If they can't stand by their actions they should have chosen better.

Agree. Therapists told me this is the way to go. Been there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my kid around 15. I won’t hide anyone. You cheat, I tell people. You should be embarrassed.

;+1

[Anonymous]

I guess around the same age that you would share the rest of the family’s dirty laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my kid around 15. I won’t hide anyone. You cheat, I tell people. You should be embarrassed.

It’s so classy to use your kid as a weapon against someone else.

And so great for the kid’s mental health too!!

So don’t cheat

Besides isn’t knowing your parents tell the truth kind of fundamental to mental health

[Anonymous]

My dad had an affair for about a year before my mother found out. I was 9-10 at the time. She told me. Not only did she tell me, she wanted to make the decision whether she should stay or leave him. Ultimately, she did the exact opposite of what I decided.

It screwed me up.

A child doesn’t need to know the specifics of the divorce or the affair. Period.

[Anonymous]

Kids figure this stuff out themselves. They are not idiots. You don't need to tell them but don't lie either.

You also don't show up to a family event where Unlce Joe is now with Aunt Mary instead of Aunt Betty and let you kid walk into the middle of that shit show wiithout some explanation.

Uncle Joe and Aunt Betty are divorced. Aunt Mary is 38 with 3 kids from various men, Uncle Joe is 58... Yea it's weird and creepy but just be polite. No you don't have to act like Mary's kids are your cousins, be nice but they probably will only last 2-5 years, so don't worry about bonding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier and advocate for telling when the kids are late teens for a lot of reasons.

Stand behind that, but want to qualify by saying you need to factor in whether telling your kid will put them in a difficult position. For instance, if your daughter Susie is very close with her cousin Janie, and it was Janie's mom Larla who had the affair. If Janie doesn't know herself what happened, telling Susie puts her in a really lousy place where she now has to keep a secret from Janie, or be the one to tell her about her mom. In that case, I think keeping mum might be best.

Conversely, Janie does know and needs to talk to somebody and your child Susie is ill prepared for the conversation.

I would opt for telling Susie, saying not to judge we don't know the circumstances but to be supporting for Janie because she is going through a hard time.

Keeping family secrets is such a horrible way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad had an affair for about a year before my mother found out. I was 9-10 at the time. She told me. Not only did she tell me, she wanted to make the decision whether she should stay or leave him. Ultimately, she did the exact opposite of what I decided.

It screwed me up.

A child doesn’t need to know the specifics of the divorce or the affair. Period.

+1000. My ex cheated. The kids were about 11 and 7 at the time. They are adults now. They have no idea that their dad cheated and left us. They just know their parents were divorced. I will never tell them. I've wanted to many times. But I would never do it. They don't deserve to be pulled into that mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would twll an older teen if they were asking questions and not satisfied by vague explanations.

This. It's better to tell than to lie. Being lied to by one's parents is a very big deal to a teenager. And really, affair-havers don't have any claim to privacy. If they can't stand by their actions they should have chosen better.

Agree. Therapists told me this is the way to go. Been there.

I ended a relationship with a compulsive cheater. If my kids had ever asked me, I would have told them, at any age. As a parent, my policy has always been, if a child is old enough to ask the question, he/she is old enough to get an answer. That answer doesn’t have to be detailed, but it does have to be truthful.

I never was put in a position where I had to tell my kids about their Dad’s cheating. But, as a parent, I can see how the secret of infidelity distorts a family (even a divorced one) just like the secret of alcoholism does. Cheaters are able to cheat because of personality issues — willingness to lie, preference for appearances, not revealing true self, manipulation of others, anger when reality is disclosed, inability to consider others feelings, inability to put others first, impulsivity, poor calculation of risk, inability to negotiate transparently for needs, etc. These issues go far beyond infidelity and affect everyone in the cheaters life, even when the infidelity itself was hidden.

Although it’s common wisdom not say don’t tell, after 15 years of dealing with the aftermath, I think in retrospect it may have been healthier to have it out in open in some way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad had an affair for about a year before my mother found out. I was 9-10 at the time. She told me. Not only did she tell me, she wanted to make the decision whether she should stay or leave him. Ultimately, she did the exact opposite of what I decided.

It screwed me up.

A child doesn’t need to know the specifics of the divorce or the affair. Period.

+1000. My ex cheated. The kids were about 11 and 7 at the time. They are adults now. They have no idea that their dad cheated and left us. They just know their parents were divorced. I will never tell them. I've wanted to many times. But I would never do it. They don't deserve to be pulled into that mess.

You don't actually know if they know.

They may know and just are hiding it from you to save your feelings.

[Anonymous]

My parents told me, but I told them that I don't care who fu_ked whom. Dad still cares and goes on and on. I don't care, besides, I don't think it was my mom who started it all.
I think dad did it first and then mom, but it wasn't ok for mom to do it.
I hated that those 2 idiots married so young, had kids so young, then cheated on each other and then thought that we cared.
They put us through hell with their physical and emotional fights because of the cheating. I wish they'd see what they did to us, but they just see how hurt they were and still are when they found out.
I'd only tell my kids if the ask and/or the other half was telling them something that wasn't true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say close family members—an aunt and uncle, or grandparents—recently ended a long marriage due to a long term affair. And that the relationship is ongoing with the affair partner. At what age would you reveal to the child why their marriage ended? Let’s say said child is currently 8. Would you wait until 11? 15? 18?

Curious how others have handled this situation. We don’t intend to tell child now, although child is fairly mature and already knows what an affair is (thanks, Hamilton).

the child is going to figure out it one day. You think cousins and other family members don't gossip? Better to hear from you. Honestly, don't protect the people who cheated they need to face ALL the consequneces of their actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad had an affair for about a year before my mother found out. I was 9-10 at the time. She told me. Not only did she tell me, she wanted to make the decision whether she should stay or leave him. Ultimately, she did the exact opposite of what I decided.

It screwed me up.

A child doesn’t need to know the specifics of the divorce or the affair. Period.

+1000. My ex cheated. The kids were about 11 and 7 at the time. They are adults now. They have no idea that their dad cheated and left us. They just know their parents were divorced. I will never tell them. I've wanted to many times. But I would never do it. They don't deserve to be pulled into that mess.

You don't actually know if they know.

They may know and just are hiding it from you to save your feelings.

this. the kids ALWAYS know. You think families don't gossip??

[Anonymous]

If they ask, tell them. If they don't be vague.

They might know. They might now. I did NOT know that my parents cheated on each other until the last few years. But I can handle it as an adult.