Reply to At what age would you tell a child about an affair?

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Reply to "At what age would you tell a child about an affair?"

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[quote=Anonymous]The damage to the children comes at the moment the affair took place,  not the moment the child learns of the affair.

When Uncle Joe goes to prison for robbing a bank, do you blame the cousin Lulu for the emotional damage the kids experience when she spills the beans?  No.   Uncle Joe hurt his children by doing something harmful.  Expecting everyone else to play along in an elaborate scenario of normalizing it is extremely dysfunctional.

It is possible to tell children facts without alienating them. You don't have to sit them down on tears and rage about how you felt,  encourage them to see how horrible their father was,  and tell them to pick sides.  THAT is damaging.

You can sit them down and explain what happened,  explain that it had nothing to do with them,  that it doesn't change how much both parents love them,  and reinforce that you don't want them to feel like they need to pick sides because there are no sides to pick.  That's what divorce means.  The marriage is over, the war is over.     Let them process the information,  let them know it's OK to have feelings about what they've learned.  It's OK to feel upset with a parent. It's an extremely tough lesson for kids to learn that their parents are fallible. But it's an importent one that will serve them well in life.

I'd rather have kids who learn these nuances rather than believe it's best to keep these things under wraps.   It's no wonder so many marriages end with affairs if this is how so many people are raising kids!   
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