At what age would you tell a child about an affair?

[Anonymous]

"I don't know , ask your aunt/uncle"

Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My aunt and uncle split up when I was 8 and by the time I was 11 it was normal and I had no interest in why it had happened.

I'm sure this would have been different if it had been my parents. But OP, if you are so invested in what is going on with your siblings (or siblings-in-law) that you are picturing some big reveal of this incriminating info at an "appropriate age," just know that what would be really appropriate would be for you to not be this invested.

Exactly. Your kid doesn’t and likely won’t care. What, would you want them to cut the person in question out of their life? Respect them less? What is the end goal here? You must just want to stir up drama.

How about, sometimes people cheat, sometimes people divorce. ... life moves on.

it's not drama, it's the truth.

Why is everybody trying to raise snowflakes. Kids don't' need to be protected from life.

Because the only reason you would tell a kid this is for them to form a narrative that the cheating spouse is “bad” and the betrayed spouse is “good.” At least, that is what they will likely take from it. MOST adults (not all) realize that it’s often more nuanced than that - but kids don’t really get it and there’s just no point in asking them to understand the complexities of someone else’s marriage. Again, what’s the end goal here?

The end goal is for one parent to turn the child against the other parent for their personal need. Parenting and marriage are two different issues. Having an affair destroys the marriage and family unit but has nothing to do with parenting (or then why do Mom's who cheat still get the kids). Kids do not need to be told. My Dad cheated, my mom tells me every sorted detail when it happened and still now. I wish she would leave me out of it given they are no longer together. Because of their behavior I barely have a relationship with either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At what age is it more appropriate? My exDW left the marriage b/c of an AP. She's now married to the AP and we have 1 child from our marriage. He's 9 now but has asked in the past "why did you and daddy break up?" He's a smart young man and eventually the wishy washy "well, sometimes adults just don't get along anymore" reasons aren't enough. I figured the teenage years might bring this to light more and in that case, I think it's my exDW's responsibility to come clean. My worry is if she's going to misrepresent the past.

She never will and you will always be to blame. Just say things didn't work out and we are happier separate and sharing you.

[Anonymous]

The PP who said that "What happens in a marriage and why a marriage ends is private between the two people in the marriage" is 100% dead wrong, horribly misleading, and borders on grooming your children to accept victim-blaming disordered thinking. It's like blaming a rape victim because of what she was wearing, where she was walking, or how much she was drinking. The fact is that when it comes to infidelity, it ALWAYS constitutes a breach of trust and poor decisionmaking skills. Always. There is literally no valid excuse for the behavior that can not be countered with "You should have ended the marriage first."

The fact is that a marriage is between two people UNTIL one of them makes the unilateral decision to open up the marriage to a third person. Telling yourselves and your children that marriages begin and end with no outside influence is simply not compatible with reality.

Yes, I do have a bias here. My husband of 16 years had an affair with his secretary, which led to the end of our marriage. She was also married with children. At the time, I had absolutely no interest in telling my children the cause of the divorce - they were early elementary school aged. We just told them that we were getting a divorce and it was daddy's decision, and they accepted that. It's been a few years now, and the older one is approaching middle school and he asks more questions. I've still held the line that it had nothing to do with them, we both love them, but the reason is not something they will understand right now and is "a suitcase too heavy for them to carry" at this age. They seem fine with that.

However, I do need to tell them soon what happened, and I'm not happy about it. About a year or so after we split, the secretary moved 20 miles across northern Virginia and bought a house 2 blocks away from my house, enrolling her children in the same school as mine. My ex husband doesn't even live that close to me! Her arrival set the rumor mill on fire as neighbors whispered about seeing my ex hanging out at the secretary's place with her kids - so now, we've lost control of the narrative. The odds of my kids hearing about their dad's affair (or who knows what version of the story) from someone other than me has increased exponentially.

Some of you may react differently to the situation, but I have decided that I would rather proactively tell them the truth in as healthy and constructive of a way as possible than have them experience the hurt, anger, and confusion of hearing rumors about it from strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The PP who said that "What happens in a marriage and why a marriage ends is private between the two people in the marriage" is 100% dead wrong, horribly misleading, and borders on grooming your children to accept victim-blaming disordered thinking. It's like blaming a rape victim because of what she was wearing, where she was walking, or how much she was drinking. The fact is that when it comes to infidelity, it ALWAYS constitutes a breach of trust and poor decisionmaking skills. Always. There is literally no valid excuse for the behavior that can not be countered with "You should have ended the marriage first."

The fact is that a marriage is between two people UNTIL one of them makes the unilateral decision to open up the marriage to a third person. Telling yourselves and your children that marriages begin and end with no outside influence is simply not compatible with reality.

Yes, I do have a bias here. My husband of 16 years had an affair with his secretary, which led to the end of our marriage. She was also married with children. At the time, I had absolutely no interest in telling my children the cause of the divorce - they were early elementary school aged. We just told them that we were getting a divorce and it was daddy's decision, and they accepted that. It's been a few years now, and the older one is approaching middle school and he asks more questions. I've still held the line that it had nothing to do with them, we both love them, but the reason is not something they will understand right now and is "a suitcase too heavy for them to carry" at this age. They seem fine with that.

However, I do need to tell them soon what happened, and I'm not happy about it. About a year or so after we split, the secretary moved 20 miles across northern Virginia and bought a house 2 blocks away from my house, enrolling her children in the same school as mine. My ex husband doesn't even live that close to me! Her arrival set the rumor mill on fire as neighbors whispered about seeing my ex hanging out at the secretary's place with her kids - so now, we've lost control of the narrative. The odds of my kids hearing about their dad's affair (or who knows what version of the story) from someone other than me has increased exponentially.

Some of you may react differently to the situation, but I have decided that I would rather proactively tell them the truth in as healthy and constructive of a way as possible than have them experience the hurt, anger, and confusion of hearing rumors about it from strangers.

They don’t need to know the timing of it. That’s just you wanting to “win.” Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

^^^

Says the cheater. Sorry... No one agreed to hide your shame or keep your secret. Honesty and morals are clearly something you are unfamiliar and uncomfortable dealing with.

Your actions have consequences. You do not get to blame others when YOU are held accountable for something you did. Only narcissists think this way... No respect for personal integrity, honesty, or promises EXCEPT when it comes to what they expect from others. Sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My aunt and uncle split up when I was 8 and by the time I was 11 it was normal and I had no interest in why it had happened.

I'm sure this would have been different if it had been my parents. But OP, if you are so invested in what is going on with your siblings (or siblings-in-law) that you are picturing some big reveal of this incriminating info at an "appropriate age," just know that what would be really appropriate would be for you to not be this invested.

Exactly. Your kid doesn’t and likely won’t care. What, would you want them to cut the person in question out of their life? Respect them less? What is the end goal here? You must just want to stir up drama.

How about, sometimes people cheat, sometimes people divorce. ... life moves on.

it's not drama, it's the truth.

Why is everybody trying to raise snowflakes. Kids don't' need to be protected from life.

And sometimes people are mistaken about the cheating. Someone in our church congregation was so sure that his wife was having an affair with the priest that he emailed everyone in the congregation their texts which he stole by breaking into his wife's phone. The priest was her spiritual adviser so they did have a very close relationship but not a physical one.

Basically ruined his wife's and his entire family's reputation in the community. They and their kids lost all their friends.

People are just creating drama when they bring other people into their relationship issues. Everyone lost. Not one "winner" here.

[Anonymous]

The person from 19:37 who said "hide your shame" has no sense of boundaries with children. Shame on YOU. Using your children because you are angry *is* the epitome of a person with serious issues. I hope you don't have children of your own. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

There are no victims in an affair. The marriage must have been on the rocks before it started.
Just tell a kid that adult life gets complicated. They are definitely not going to loose friends because someone had an affair. Perhaps some fake church friends, but not real ones

[Anonymous]

I say tell people what happened. Keep it to the facts. Their marriage ended because one if them had an affair.

Talking to kids about the facts of life leads to difficult conversations. A parent's job is to help lead them and teach them. Tell them facts. If you want, tell them how it fits in with your understanding of the world, your religious or personal code. That's your JOB.

People used to say "mind your own business" about Child Abuse and sexual abuse, too. No. This is not a good secret to keep. Affairs cause lots of trauma and hurt and lasting damage. Don't ignore the elephant in the room.

[Anonymous]

20:15 - your advice is ridiculous and no mental health professional would agree that you discuss affairs with children. Parents who do are not able to separate their own pain from their responsibility to their children. Such immaturity.

And no I've never had an affair. But I understand that children are not supposed to be burdened with adult issues.

[Anonymous]

Wrong. Most mental health advisors advocate telling the children the TRUTH in an age-appropriate manner.

Find me one who thinks family secrets of lies, betrayal, and hurt are best kept secret (especially by the victims). Like ablicensed, peer reviewed therapist who would advocate for this approach, not some nut job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are no victims in an affair. The marriage must have been on the rocks before it started.
Just tell a kid that adult life gets complicated. They are definitely not going to loose friends because someone had an affair. Perhaps some fake church friends, but not real ones

Lol. I lost my best friend at 16 when my mother had an affair with her father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The PP who said that "What happens in a marriage and why a marriage ends is private between the two people in the marriage" is 100% dead wrong, horribly misleading, and borders on grooming your children to accept victim-blaming disordered thinking. It's like blaming a rape victim because of what she was wearing, where she was walking, or how much she was drinking. The fact is that when it comes to infidelity, it ALWAYS constitutes a breach of trust and poor decisionmaking skills. Always. There is literally no valid excuse for the behavior that can not be countered with "You should have ended the marriage first."

The fact is that a marriage is between two people UNTIL one of them makes the unilateral decision to open up the marriage to a third person. Telling yourselves and your children that marriages begin and end with no outside influence is simply not compatible with reality.

Yes, I do have a bias here. My husband of 16 years had an affair with his secretary, which led to the end of our marriage. She was also married with children. At the time, I had absolutely no interest in telling my children the cause of the divorce - they were early elementary school aged. We just told them that we were getting a divorce and it was daddy's decision, and they accepted that. It's been a few years now, and the older one is approaching middle school and he asks more questions. I've still held the line that it had nothing to do with them, we both love them, but the reason is not something they will understand right now and is "a suitcase too heavy for them to carry" at this age. They seem fine with that.

However, I do need to tell them soon what happened, and I'm not happy about it. About a year or so after we split, the secretary moved 20 miles across northern Virginia and bought a house 2 blocks away from my house, enrolling her children in the same school as mine. My ex husband doesn't even live that close to me! Her arrival set the rumor mill on fire as neighbors whispered about seeing my ex hanging out at the secretary's place with her kids - so now, we've lost control of the narrative. The odds of my kids hearing about their dad's affair (or who knows what version of the story) from someone other than me has increased exponentially.

Some of you may react differently to the situation, but I have decided that I would rather proactively tell them the truth in as healthy and constructive of a way as possible than have them experience the hurt, anger, and confusion of hearing rumors about it from strangers.

I would suggest getting yourself into therapy to work through all of this. Your anger and hurt is understandable, but it’s not helping you and it’s clouding your judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wrong. Most mental health advisors advocate telling the children the TRUTH in an age-appropriate manner.

Find me one who thinks family secrets of lies, betrayal, and hurt are best kept secret (especially by the victims). Like ablicensed, peer reviewed therapist who would advocate for this approach, not some nut job.

Perhaps you could find some links for us to credible marriage therapists or other trained professionals who advocate for parents telling their children about each other’s affairs?