At what age would you tell a child about an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad had an affair for about a year before my mother found out. I was 9-10 at the time. She told me. Not only did she tell me, she wanted to make the decision whether she should stay or leave him. Ultimately, she did the exact opposite of what I decided.

It screwed me up.

A child doesn’t need to know the specifics of the divorce or the affair. Period.

+1000. My ex cheated. The kids were about 11 and 7 at the time. They are adults now. They have no idea that their dad cheated and left us. They just know their parents were divorced. I will never tell them. I've wanted to many times. But I would never do it. They don't deserve to be pulled into that mess.

You don't actually know if they know.

They may know and just are hiding it from you to save your feelings.

this. the kids ALWAYS know. You think families don't gossip??

I don't believe they know. I'm not sure how they could. But if for some reason they do know, they also know that their dad and I cared enough about them to try to shield them from the ugliness of infedelity. If they asked me directly, I would answer honestly. But they never have. And they are mid and late 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad had an affair for about a year before my mother found out. I was 9-10 at the time. She told me. Not only did she tell me, she wanted to make the decision whether she should stay or leave him. Ultimately, she did the exact opposite of what I decided.

It screwed me up.

A child doesn’t need to know the specifics of the divorce or the affair. Period.

+1000. My ex cheated. The kids were about 11 and 7 at the time. They are adults now. They have no idea that their dad cheated and left us. They just know their parents were divorced. I will never tell them. I've wanted to many times. But I would never do it. They don't deserve to be pulled into that mess.

You don't actually know if they know.

They may know and just are hiding it from you to save your feelings.

this. the kids ALWAYS know. You think families don't gossip??

I don't believe they know. I'm not sure how they could. But if for some reason they do know, they also know that their dad and I cared enough about them to try to shield them from the ugliness of infedelity. If they asked me directly, I would answer honestly. But they never have. And they are mid and late 20s.

or they go to therapy and talk about how your family never talked about the elephant in the room and it was not okay to talk about feeling and issues in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Just thinking child would ask questions given that affair relationship is ongoing after the divorce.

Post-divorce, it is not an affair; it is a relationship.

There is no reason for the child or for that matter, anyone, to know the particulars about a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad had an affair for about a year before my mother found out. I was 9-10 at the time. She told me. Not only did she tell me, she wanted to make the decision whether she should stay or leave him. Ultimately, she did the exact opposite of what I decided.

It screwed me up.

A child doesn’t need to know the specifics of the divorce or the affair. Period.

+1000. My ex cheated. The kids were about 11 and 7 at the time. They are adults now. They have no idea that their dad cheated and left us. They just know their parents were divorced. I will never tell them. I've wanted to many times. But I would never do it. They don't deserve to be pulled into that mess.

You don't actually know if they know.

They may know and just are hiding it from you to save your feelings.

this. the kids ALWAYS know. You think families don't gossip??

I don't believe they know. I'm not sure how they could. But if for some reason they do know, they also know that their dad and I cared enough about them to try to shield them from the ugliness of infedelity. If they asked me directly, I would answer honestly. But they never have. And they are mid and late 20s.

Agree. I did not find about my father’s affair until I was in my 40s.... and I am glad my mother did not tell me when I was a child. Children don’t need to know the particulars of their parents relationship nor do they care.

[Anonymous]

A close family friend had an affair with a coworker. I really liked him and he was so nice to me. I was told about the affair as an older teen and I wish I hadn't been. It was confusing, perhaps in part because his affair was with a man and was long term. The couple worked through it and stayed married, and I respect them both for that. But it was more than I needed to know.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of when the head of my private high school had an affair with the head mistress of the middle school and they both left their spouses. Big scandal... but really just a distraction and gossip that no one needed to know. They both had kids at the school.

Although at the time everyone was shocked and the kids all laughed about it.

[Anonymous]

My aunt and uncle split up when I was 8 and by the time I was 11 it was normal and I had no interest in why it had happened.

I'm sure this would have been different if it had been my parents. But OP, if you are so invested in what is going on with your siblings (or siblings-in-law) that you are picturing some big reveal of this incriminating info at an "appropriate age," just know that what would be really appropriate would be for you to not be this invested.

[Anonymous]

Never. This is not their business, and not your business to tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Just thinking child would ask questions given that affair relationship is ongoing after the divorce.

Post-divorce, it is not an affair; it is a relationship.

There is no reason for the child or for that matter, anyone, to know the particulars about a divorce.

The fact is some families are close lipped about everything: abuse, alcoholism, cancer and affairs.

Other families are open and honest and kids learn that life is complicated and you can overcome these obstacles.

Tell the kids, no wonder the current generation needs school counselors to deal with every little bump in the road.

[Anonymous]

I would avoid telling, in whatever way is age appropriate. But I also think it’s important not to lie in response to a direct question. No one is entitled to other people’s private information. It’s perfectly fine to say that it’s not their business what happens in someone else’s relationship.

If it’s about your own spouse that cheated, be self-aware of your own motivations in what you say and how you say it. Encourage communication and the bond between your child and their other parent, for the child’s sake. Convey that people and relationships are complicated. In general, if you raise your children to value both integrity and forgiveness, they will make the appropriate sense out of what they know.

[Anonymous]

Children will grow up to be adults with their own romantic relationships (goddess willing). If cheating and the possible repercussions are discussed at home - how do we learn about these things? From TV? From movies? I agree that a parent should not burden a kid with age-inappropriate info or even info they are not interested in. But why not talk about family dynamics and the shit that people do? About the various reasons people cheat? About how some marriage survive, maybe even thrive afterwards, and some fall apart?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't tell children, or anyone else. It's just being a gossip and trying to hurt people. Just like I wouldn't say other private information that I knew about - aunt Larla refused to get a job and compulsively spent all the family money, or Aunt Larla stopped having sex with Uncle Larlo before he had the affair. The only reason to talk about it would be to spread gossip and pain. I don't do that.

[Anonymous]

Guys OP want asking about her own marriage. It was a relative’s. Which makes it less her news to tell.

And the victim of the affair isn’t always the victim of the marriage.

Answer questions honestly. At all ages. But don’t lead with infidelity. Your kid is most likely to want assurances that you won’t get divorced OP rather than be concerned about Aunt Larla’s new bf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My aunt and uncle split up when I was 8 and by the time I was 11 it was normal and I had no interest in why it had happened.

I'm sure this would have been different if it had been my parents. But OP, if you are so invested in what is going on with your siblings (or siblings-in-law) that you are picturing some big reveal of this incriminating info at an "appropriate age," just know that what would be really appropriate would be for you to not be this invested.

Exactly. Your kid doesn’t and likely won’t care. What, would you want them to cut the person in question out of their life? Respect them less? What is the end goal here? You must just want to stir up drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't tell children, or anyone else. It's just being a gossip and trying to hurt people. Just like I wouldn't say other private information that I knew about - aunt Larla refused to get a job and compulsively spent all the family money, or Aunt Larla stopped having sex with Uncle Larlo before he had the affair. The only reason to talk about it would be to spread gossip and pain. I don't do that.

Gossip is not truthful statement.

It's not gossip it facts. Do kids need to know all the facts ... no.

But hiding facts is stupid, kids know, they peg you as a liar or disingenuous.

Your relationship with your kids is way more important that protecting Aunt Larla and Uncle Larlo.