Is it ok to host a birthday party but only ask a few of the kids to sleep over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Unless she wants to be known as a mean girl and lose those friends who get sent home.

I'm pretty sure the people doing the "mean girl" labeling will be the parents who can't handle the fact that their kids weren't invited to everything, not the girls who are probably more emotionally well adjusted than their parents. Based on the responses on this thread, I'm sure there will be a lot of mean girl labeling when OP's daughter has the party/sleepover and decides to completely exclude the extra five girls she wanted to invite to the party. I'm constantly astounded by the number parents who don't understand the importance of teaching their kids resilience and that it's ok not to be included in everything. You're basically saying that an appropriate response to not being invited to the sleepover segment would be to no longer be friends with OP's daughter. How emotionally discfunctional is that? That's basically saying, if I can't be your best friend, I don't want to be your friend.

No, it’s saying if you don’t treat others decently, I don't want to be your friend.

It also always amazes me how many people think that it's okay for them to act in an exclusive or unkind way because kids need to learn resilience. Why be proud that you're providing the opportunity for someone to learn that people suck? Yes, my kid needs to learn resilience, and mean people will make sure she has opportunities. That doesn't mean she needs to be friends with mean people. Another thing she needs to learn is how to choose friends wisely.

And if someone indicates, very clearly and explicitly, that I am on their B-list of friends, then why isn't it perfectly rational to decide that I'd rather not be friends with them at all? Are *you* grateful to be explicitly stuck on the B-list? Does that make you feel closer to a person? Or does that make you think that you should put your energy into better friendships?

This is not about one or two best friends v. other friends. We're talking about half the group being on the A list and half being on the B list.

THIS. Of course it's not OK and it bums me out that anyone thinks it is.

If this "bums" you out, how do you function in life? SMH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just did this on Friday night.
My DD had 25 13 year old boys & girls over; they played games like spooky truth or dare on the trampoline, they played air hockey & ping pong, capture the flag, medusa, hide & seek (we have a huge back & front yard) & then she had 5 of the girls stay over.

They're all really sweet girls, so nobody mentioned that they were staying over to anyone else at the party & nobody posted it to social media. There were no hurt feelings & everyone had a great time.

You're very naive to think word won't get out. It probably already has and it certainly will by the end of the week.

It didn’t get out... these girls would never tell anyone outside of those who stayed over because they wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Try not to generalize every group of kids with blanket statements, they’re not all the same.

So the other girls are supposed to keep quiet to avoid hurting anyone’s feeling, but, you and your daughter don’t have to avoid doing things that hurt other people’s feellings?

Mmmmmkay.

[Anonymous]

OMG, OP - do you REALLY not know that this is not ok? Seriously, you needed DCUM to tell you that?

[Anonymous]

“And this thread clearly shows why this generation of kids are so emotionally fragile. How is not being included in a sleepover such a traumatic event that there are pages and pages of adults labeling OP's child a mean girl....when she clearly was just trying to include the other five girls in some part of the day so they wouldn't feel bad? It's fine to say, hey, I think it might hurt the girls' feeling so I wouldn't do it. However, the over the top painting of OP's daughter as some rude mean girl is just insane. You are not doing your girls any favors if this is how you react to minor issues.”

This.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't make me think less of OP's daughter. It does make me think less of OP and all the adults who think this is no big deal. In the grand scheme of things, is it a huge deal? Maybe not, but it is bad manners, and it is unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will be in the minority. When our kids where in middle school, it was common to have some kids to stay for the after party sleepover. Nobody kept it a secret. It wasn't a big deal. It was, typically, two to five who would stay after a bigger party. Sleepovers were too common (at least once a week) to be considered something special.

OP is not talking about Javing 30 kids come to a party and then having a sleepover with 3 girls.

She’s talking about inviting 11 girls to a party and HALF get to stay for the sleepover and half don’t. This is not a case of a best friend staying after the party. This is splitting the party in half based on who is a real friend and a pity friend. Most people would rather not be invited .

I will reiterate. It happened a lot and it was not a big deal. It's not a pity friend, it's a friend, aka a person to hang out with.

DP Look the op's dd thinks she is doing the B list girls a favor by merely inviting them to part of the party. She is not. Just because something happened " a lot" doesn't make it right. My dd was invited and we had no idea it was also a sleep over party which she was not invited too. Did she get over it? Yes, but, then we knew this girl wasn't a friend. She wanted more gifts or thought she was doing my dd a big favor.

We are not saying people can't handle not being invited but, we are saying that you can't have two different parties and it is mean and unfair. If I had a friend who only invited me for appetizers and made me leave before the fun dinner party I would not feel honored that at least they included me. I would feel insulted and wish they hadn't invited me at all. Why pretend? These b girls are mere acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
“And this thread clearly shows why this generation of kids are so emotionally fragile. How is not being included in a sleepover such a traumatic event that there are pages and pages of adults labeling OP's child a mean girl....when she clearly was just trying to include the other five girls in some part of the day so they wouldn't feel bad? It's fine to say, hey, I think it might hurt the girls' feeling so I wouldn't do it. However, the over the top painting of OP's daughter as some rude mean girl is just insane. You are not doing your girls any favors if this is how you react to minor issues.”

This.

Nobody said it was a traumatic event. But it is hurtful and mean. Ask yourself this if you can be kind why wouldn't you chose that? I get the impression from you and op's dd that the "B" girls should be so honored to be invited to part of the party...they are so lame that surely they should be thrilled at getting the crumbs...meanwhile the girls really know the deal. They are not true friends and it looks like a gift grab.

I wouldn't want to go to a dinner party and told to leave before the dinner...would you? the girls probably would understand if they weren't invited because they are not close friends. I can't believe anyone wouldn't see how mean it is to invite someone to only part of the event. These girls would feel worse if they were invited and excluded rather than excluded altogether.

[Anonymous]

OP, problem is you are not asking -- only a few of the 11 kids -- to sleep over -- You are including HALF and excluding HALF.

It's a numbers issue. You should not invite more than 25% of the kids to sleep over, if that. Better not to do it at all.

How can one ask young girls to LIE with a straight face. I couldn't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will be in the minority. When our kids where in middle school, it was common to have some kids to stay for the after party sleepover. Nobody kept it a secret. It wasn't a big deal. It was, typically, two to five who would stay after a bigger party. Sleepovers were too common (at least once a week) to be considered something special.

OP is not talking about Javing 30 kids come to a party and then having a sleepover with 3 girls.

She’s talking about inviting 11 girls to a party and HALF get to stay for the sleepover and half don’t. This is not a case of a best friend staying after the party. This is splitting the party in half based on who is a real friend and a pity friend. Most people would rather not be invited .

I will reiterate. It happened a lot and it was not a big deal. It's not a pity friend, it's a friend, aka a person to hang out with.

DP Look the op's dd thinks she is doing the B list girls a favor by merely inviting them to part of the party. She is not. Just because something happened " a lot" doesn't make it right. My dd was invited and we had no idea it was also a sleep over party which she was not invited too. Did she get over it? Yes, but, then we knew this girl wasn't a friend. She wanted more gifts or thought she was doing my dd a big favor.

We are not saying people can't handle not being invited but, we are saying that you can't have two different parties and it is mean and unfair. If I had a friend who only invited me for appetizers and made me leave before the fun dinner party I would not feel honored that at least they included me. I would feel insulted and wish they hadn't invited me at all. Why pretend? These b girls are mere acquaintances.

I am not talking at all about whether people can or can't handle it. It's about a totally different mindset altogether: it's just not an issue. We didn't experience"invite the whole class" issues ever. Kids know that parents set the limitations for the party and work with them. If a parent said "X kids max for an activity and Y kids max for a sleepover" then kids work it out. They would arrange their own sleepovers. Most of the time, when I was picking up kids from a party, I would get one or two or three extra for the night. If they are fringe friends (or Facebook friends equivalent) then they are there for the party, just like the second cousin at your wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will be in the minority. When our kids where in middle school, it was common to have some kids to stay for the after party sleepover. Nobody kept it a secret. It wasn't a big deal. It was, typically, two to five who would stay after a bigger party. Sleepovers were too common (at least once a week) to be considered something special.

OP is not talking about Javing 30 kids come to a party and then having a sleepover with 3 girls.

She’s talking about inviting 11 girls to a party and HALF get to stay for the sleepover and half don’t. This is not a case of a best friend staying after the party. This is splitting the party in half based on who is a real friend and a pity friend. Most people would rather not be invited .

I will reiterate. It happened a lot and it was not a big deal. It's not a pity friend, it's a friend, aka a person to hang out with.

DP Look the op's dd thinks she is doing the B list girls a favor by merely inviting them to part of the party. She is not. Just because something happened " a lot" doesn't make it right. My dd was invited and we had no idea it was also a sleep over party which she was not invited too. Did she get over it? Yes, but, then we knew this girl wasn't a friend. She wanted more gifts or thought she was doing my dd a big favor.

We are not saying people can't handle not being invited but, we are saying that you can't have two different parties and it is mean and unfair. If I had a friend who only invited me for appetizers and made me leave before the fun dinner party I would not feel honored that at least they included me. I would feel insulted and wish they hadn't invited me at all. Why pretend? These b girls are mere acquaintances.

I am not talking at all about whether people can or can't handle it. It's about a totally different mindset altogether: it's just not an issue. We didn't experience"invite the whole class" issues ever. Kids know that parents set the limitations for the party and work with them. If a parent said "X kids max for an activity and Y kids max for a sleepover" then kids work it out. They would arrange their own sleepovers. Most of the time, when I was picking up kids from a party, I would get one or two or three extra for the night. If they are fringe friends (or Facebook friends equivalent) then they are there for the party, just like the second cousin at your wedding.

This is a whole different generation of kids and parents. Everyone is easily offended and hurt, and very fragile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't make me think less of OP's daughter. It does make me think less of OP and all the adults who think this is no big deal. In the grand scheme of things, is it a huge deal? Maybe not, but it is bad manners, and it is unkind.

This. It's not a huge deal. My kid would be able to cope if someone did this to her. She might feel sad and hurt, but she's not a "fragile snowflake" and it wouldn't devastate her.

But I wouldn't let her do this, because I am trying to teach her to be kind and to have good manners. This is not kind and it is not good manners. Saying that something is rude and hurtful is not saying that the B-list girls are going to be traumatized deeply. It's just saying that it's rude, which it is, and that is has the potential to hurt the feelings of other girls, which it does.

[Anonymous]

No, my DD was invited to a party like this and realized at the end that she was one of the girls not invited to stay. The other girls had sleeping bags/pillows and my DD felt awful. I would never do that and would have far preferred if DD just hadn't been invited to the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just did this on Friday night.
My DD had 25 13 year old boys & girls over; they played games like spooky truth or dare on the trampoline, they played air hockey & ping pong, capture the flag, medusa, hide & seek (we have a huge back & front yard) & then she had 5 of the girls stay over.

They're all really sweet girls, so nobody mentioned that they were staying over to anyone else at the party & nobody posted it to social media. There were no hurt feelings & everyone had a great time.

You're very naive to think word won't get out. It probably already has and it certainly will by the end of the week.

It didn’t get out... these girls would never tell anyone outside of those who stayed over because they wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Try not to generalize every group of kids with blanket statements, they’re not all the same.

So the other girls are supposed to keep quiet to avoid hurting anyone’s feeling, but, you and your daughter don’t have to avoid doing things that hurt other people’s feellings?

Mmmmmkay.

The other girls aren't "supposed to do" anything. So, I'm not sure what your point is. They simply didn't talk about it. By Monday, the kids were on to the next party, event.

And like I said, I really could not care less what you think of "my part." I have no obligation to choose between having 12 girls sleep over or finding another date/time when this one worked fine for us. I"m sorry you don't like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
“And this thread clearly shows why this generation of kids are so emotionally fragile. How is not being included in a sleepover such a traumatic event that there are pages and pages of adults labeling OP's child a mean girl....when she clearly was just trying to include the other five girls in some part of the day so they wouldn't feel bad? It's fine to say, hey, I think it might hurt the girls' feeling so I wouldn't do it. However, the over the top painting of OP's daughter as some rude mean girl is just insane. You are not doing your girls any favors if this is how you react to minor issues.”

This.

Nobody said it was a traumatic event. But it is hurtful and mean. Ask yourself this if you can be kind why wouldn't you chose that? I get the impression from you and op's dd that the "B" girls should be so honored to be invited to part of the party...they are so lame that surely they should be thrilled at getting the crumbs...meanwhile the girls really know the deal. They are not true friends and it looks like a gift grab.

I wouldn't want to go to a dinner party and told to leave before the dinner...would you? the girls probably would understand if they weren't invited because they are not close friends. I can't believe anyone wouldn't see how mean it is to invite someone to only part of the event. These girls would feel worse if they were invited and excluded rather than excluded altogether.

Why? They were invited to the larger party. So they are not "B" list. But, in our case, the parents said you can pick 2 girls to stay over. The sleeping bags were not visible, the birthday girl was instructed not to discuss it at the party and it wasn't.

Repeat this as needed: you can't be expected to be invited to everything. And there may be reasons beyond "friendship" as to why you weren't invited. That is what we teach our daughter when she is not invited to things. If all girls but one or two were invited to sleep over, you may have a point with "mean" or "hurtful." But, sorry, I am just not able to agree with it otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


The other girls aren't "supposed to do" anything. So, I'm not sure what your point is. They simply didn't talk about it. By Monday, the kids were on to the next party, event.

And like I said, I really could not care less what you think of "my part." I have no obligation to choose between having 12 girls sleep over or finding another date/time when this one worked fine for us. I"m sorry you don't like that.

Why do you think you know whether the kids talked about it? That's very naive. You should just accept that what you did was rude.