Is it ok to host a birthday party but only ask a few of the kids to sleep over?

[Anonymous]

^^Were, not we're

[Anonymous]

OP I can see why a lot of these responses are hard to read. I just re-read your post. It sounds like your daughter really wants a sleepover party with her 6 close friends but she has now made a bunch of new friends which is a great part of starting high school. So how does she have the party she wants but also include this evolving group?

I remember this happening with my daughter where her guest list started getting bigger in ms/hs. Fortunately, her birthday was at the end of the year and she never liked doing sleepovers so it was easy to just have a bigger party.
I think your daughter needs to decide which is more important to her - having a sleepover or including everyone. Either decision is completely fine. But I think a split party won't work. Not so much because it is cruel or mean. Just weird for everyone. She will not feel good about that in the end.

A couple other options to consider - if she goes with the larger group but it involves hanging out, binge watching movies until pretty late - that is basically the same as a sleepover - just everyone gets to sleep in a comfy bed at home. Or consider a sleepover for the big group. I don't know why but at least as far as sleepovers go - they get easier as the kids get older and seem to need less space/comfort

[Anonymous]

A reasonable takeaway is that there are always going to be whiny crybabies and you don't need to pander to them.

Another takeaway is that rude parents raise rude children, and that the people who think this is okay are the same type of people who insult those who are trying to prioritize manners and kindness. OP, do you want to be someone who tries to be considerate of other's feelings, or do you want to be like the PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether it is ok or not, it is done ALL THE TIME from 6th grade on for girls and boys. I have 4 kids, my youngest is in 6th grade. 5th grade seems to be the year this practice starts pretty consistently and it is always after a venue celebration. So the kids go to a trampoline park, play for a couple of hours, have cake and pizza and always a small group is invited to a sleepover (usually 6 or less). My kids are completely fine with this by the way. They had a blast at the party and they understand that they are closer to some kids than others. So they get invited to some sleepovers and don't make the list for others. It doesn't affect them at all. The only instances when this was an issue that I an remember is when a friend of my daughter didn't invite one of her closest friends because of some tween drama. The girl was really upset. My oldest daughter one time hoped to be invited to a sleepover for a girl she really liked but it was a very new friendship and she was invited to the party, but not the sleepover. I told her friendships need time to grow and that the other girl most likely had a cap for her sleepover and had cousins and older friends who she wanted to invite. My daughter understood perfectly well. The friendship did grow, they are inseparable now. As they grow into adults, it is a good example to show them that they are not going to be invited to everything and that it is ok. BTW, we have only done this once when my daughter had a huge pool party with 30 of her friends and she invited her 4 best friends to a sleepover.

I think we all can agree that four sleeping over out of a group of 30 is different than inviting 12 and telling half to go home. Also, just because you are fine with it doesn't mean it isn't hurtful and mean. Maybe you would like to go to only part of the party but, for me it is not ideal. Just keep us off the list...any list if that is how you feel about us.

That's pretty sensitive. I'm the PP you responded to and I guess I'm not that sensitive and I'm trying to get my kids to have thicker skins because life can be unfair. I can't imagine any of my kids been close friends with everyone. If your child gets invited to a part of a birthday, at this age it is because the birthday kid likes your kid. You would rather your child not go to a party at all if they are not invited to the other part of the party? Friendships are forged through time. Even if I knew ahead of time if there would be a sleepover (and I did know plenty of times through other parents), I wouldn't want my children to miss a party that they wanted to attend and where they can hang out with friends.

This. This right here. Totally agree, PP.

Let me stop you right there. I don't think this at all being too sensitive. I suppose I should end this conversation because you are literally unable to see anyone else's side by your own. But, I will try once more.

In my dd's situation all the kids knew each other for years. This was not a situation where my kid was the new kid. She was invited to part of the party and then found out that they weren't inviting her to the sleep over part. Yes, it hurt my dd's feelings. Yes, she got over it. But, it would have been better not to have gone at all. You got that right.

I find it hard to believe that you would be ok with being invited to a party, getting excited and then told to leave before the dinner party was over. These girls are young. Why can't they have the sleepover party a different night? Why can't they just invite the 12 girls and call it a day? After all, a few of you were saying "what's so special about sleepovers?" So many choices and you choose to be mean and then you add insult to injury and call us "too sensitive" and "snowflakes"

The world is mean enough why can't we teach kindness and be inclusive?

You wait a minute. Who is unable to see another side here? Look in the mirror. I'm sorry your DD had hurt feelings. And the family carried out their party in such a way that she was "told to leave before the dinner party was over." That is not always how these things are carried out and other people are capable of being discreet. And how that was handled was not cool. But, again, there are ways to do it that are more discreet.

I also fundamentally reject the idea that being "inclusive" means you have to be invited to all of the things that you want to be invited to. Or that I have to include everyone to everything just because it makes your job as a parent harder to explain or discuss why your daughter may not have been invited. Because that's what you're saying. And that is unreasonable and wrong.

I'm the pp. Of course I understand yours side but, I was explaining MY side to you. This is my recap of your side:


It is easier to have the sleepover and party on the same day

My dd wants to have a big party ( and maybe get more gifts but, maybe not)


It teaches the excluded kids to be tough and not be so sensitive. Hey, you should be happy that we invited you at all. Isn't that what you are saying? Correct me, please if I am worng.

What I am not saying is your bolded. You have ever right not to invite my dd. But, if you have a separate party after the party don't pretend you are doing my kid a favor or a life lesson. Just don't invite her! Also, if you are so proud of what you are doing why be discreet? What are you ashamed of?

Lastly, I handled the rejection just as you wished. We haven't mentioned it since then and she is 20 so we have long got over it. But, it is still mean and wrong.


Life is unfair cupcake and you can't get everything you want.

Had to throw a "gift grab" aspersion in there didn't you? No, in fact, the last couple of years we have been "no gifts." And who said "proud"? Or ashamed? I'm neither in this situation. And the fact that you went there says more about you than me.
I'm being discreet in the same way I would be discreet about any social obligation. A dinner party I was having. Or a dinner party I was invited to but someone else wasn't. Or plans with a group that I know someone wasn't invited to. I would not rub any of that in someone's face anymore than I would the sleep over.

I understand you may view it as "hurtful or "mean and wrong." We are going to have to disagree. Because I think that's silly. Your last line is the only thing you and I are going to agree on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether it is ok or not, it is done ALL THE TIME from 6th grade on for girls and boys. I have 4 kids, my youngest is in 6th grade. 5th grade seems to be the year this practice starts pretty consistently and it is always after a venue celebration. So the kids go to a trampoline park, play for a couple of hours, have cake and pizza and always a small group is invited to a sleepover (usually 6 or less). My kids are completely fine with this by the way. They had a blast at the party and they understand that they are closer to some kids than others. So they get invited to some sleepovers and don't make the list for others. It doesn't affect them at all. The only instances when this was an issue that I an remember is when a friend of my daughter didn't invite one of her closest friends because of some tween drama. The girl was really upset. My oldest daughter one time hoped to be invited to a sleepover for a girl she really liked but it was a very new friendship and she was invited to the party, but not the sleepover. I told her friendships need time to grow and that the other girl most likely had a cap for her sleepover and had cousins and older friends who she wanted to invite. My daughter understood perfectly well. The friendship did grow, they are inseparable now. As they grow into adults, it is a good example to show them that they are not going to be invited to everything and that it is ok. BTW, we have only done this once when my daughter had a huge pool party with 30 of her friends and she invited her 4 best friends to a sleepover.

I think we all can agree that four sleeping over out of a group of 30 is different than inviting 12 and telling half to go home. Also, just because you are fine with it doesn't mean it isn't hurtful and mean. Maybe you would like to go to only part of the party but, for me it is not ideal. Just keep us off the list...any list if that is how you feel about us.

That's pretty sensitive. I'm the PP you responded to and I guess I'm not that sensitive and I'm trying to get my kids to have thicker skins because life can be unfair. I can't imagine any of my kids been close friends with everyone. If your child gets invited to a part of a birthday, at this age it is because the birthday kid likes your kid. You would rather your child not go to a party at all if they are not invited to the other part of the party? Friendships are forged through time. Even if I knew ahead of time if there would be a sleepover (and I did know plenty of times through other parents), I wouldn't want my children to miss a party that they wanted to attend and where they can hang out with friends.

This. This right here. Totally agree, PP.

Let me stop you right there. I don't think this at all being too sensitive. I suppose I should end this conversation because you are literally unable to see anyone else's side by your own. But, I will try once more.

In my dd's situation all the kids knew each other for years. This was not a situation where my kid was the new kid. She was invited to part of the party and then found out that they weren't inviting her to the sleep over part. Yes, it hurt my dd's feelings. Yes, she got over it. But, it would have been better not to have gone at all. You got that right.

I find it hard to believe that you would be ok with being invited to a party, getting excited and then told to leave before the dinner party was over. These girls are young. Why can't they have the sleepover party a different night? Why can't they just invite the 12 girls and call it a day? After all, a few of you were saying "what's so special about sleepovers?" So many choices and you choose to be mean and then you add insult to injury and call us "too sensitive" and "snowflakes"

The world is mean enough why can't we teach kindness and be inclusive?

You wait a minute. Who is unable to see another side here? Look in the mirror. I'm sorry your DD had hurt feelings. And the family carried out their party in such a way that she was "told to leave before the dinner party was over." That is not always how these things are carried out and other people are capable of being discreet. And how that was handled was not cool. But, again, there are ways to do it that are more discreet.

I also fundamentally reject the idea that being "inclusive" means you have to be invited to all of the things that you want to be invited to. Or that I have to include everyone to everything just because it makes your job as a parent harder to explain or discuss why your daughter may not have been invited. Because that's what you're saying. And that is unreasonable and wrong.

I'm the pp. Of course I understand yours side but, I was explaining MY side to you. This is my recap of your side:


It is easier to have the sleepover and party on the same day

My dd wants to have a big party ( and maybe get more gifts but, maybe not)


It teaches the excluded kids to be tough and not be so sensitive. Hey, you should be happy that we invited you at all. Isn't that what you are saying? Correct me, please if I am worng.

What I am not saying is your bolded. You have ever right not to invite my dd. But, if you have a separate party after the party don't pretend you are doing my kid a favor or a life lesson. Just don't invite her! Also, if you are so proud of what you are doing why be discreet? What are you ashamed of?

Lastly, I handled the rejection just as you wished. We haven't mentioned it since then and she is 20 so we have long got over it. But, it is still mean and wrong.


Life is unfair cupcake and you can't get everything you want.

Had to throw a "gift grab" aspersion in there didn't you? No, in fact, the last couple of years we have been "no gifts." And who said "proud"? Or ashamed? I'm neither in this situation. And the fact that you went there says more about you than me.
I'm being discreet in the same way I would be discreet about any social obligation. A dinner party I was having. Or a dinner party I was invited to but someone else wasn't. Or plans with a group that I know someone wasn't invited to. I would not rub any of that in someone's face anymore than I would the sleep over.

I understand you may view it as "hurtful or "mean and wrong." We are going to have to disagree. Because I think that's silly. Your last line is the only thing you and I are going to agree on here.

You missed the part where I said maybe. For some, like you it isn't about the gifts but, you can't deny that for others it is about the gifts. Notice I did not say all. You didn't disagree with my perspective on why you consider it not rude so there is that. There are other people on here who have expressed my view perfectly so I am not the only one who considers it mean, not "mean".

Also, there is a big difference in being invited to a dinner party and not talking to a friend. Here they are invited but, not really. Although I have had people do this to me. Do I get mad or sad or hurt? No, I am an adult and I figure they were not friends to begin with and I don't want to spend time with someone who will come to my parties but, not invite me back. We are also talking about kids here which is totally different than adults.

Op, I wish your daughter a wonderful birthday. Hope you at least think of the girls and try to do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

For some, like you it isn't about the gifts but, you can't deny that for others it is about the gifts.

I've seen that many time on DCUM. What kind of gifts people get so that throwing the party becomes financially efficient because of the gifts? Even if you do it for free, in the park, pizza, soft drinks, cake, party supplies, it would be on par with gifts. Do you not talk to your kids about the cost of the parties? They are not babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

A reasonable takeaway is that there are always going to be whiny crybabies and you don't need to pander to them.

Another takeaway is that rude parents raise rude children, and that the people who think this is okay are the same type of people who insult those who are trying to prioritize manners and kindness. OP, do you want to be someone who tries to be considerate of other's feelings, or do you want to be like the PP?

Many of the posts on this thread did not show kindness or manners toward OP and her DD. Keep the hypocrisy in check. No one needs to pander to people who are overly sensitive.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe you’d even consider doing this. It’s a social misstep on your part. It will inevitably wind up hurting feelings so why do it? Explain to your daughter that she has to decide what kind of party she wants and what kind of friend she wants to be.

[Xymox]

No, that is horrible.

[Anonymous]

This entire thread is fascinating. I completely see both sides of this situation.

As parents, it might make sense to step away for a minute and realize that adolescence is hard for everyone. Those girls are just trying to navigate as best they can. For lots of girls, not having a close friend, but lots of semi-close friends, is more common than you'd think. For those girls, it really is painful to see these things happen even though it is part of life. If you threw a party similar to what the original post is talking about and you think that it went well with no hurt feelings, I think you are unfortunately mistaken. I can almost guarantee that the girls that went home had long, sad conversations with their mothers (or each other) about how it felt to be left out and why it's important to never make anyone else feel that way. Just because you or your daughter weren't confronted about it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether it is ok or not, it is done ALL THE TIME from 6th grade on for girls and boys. I have 4 kids, my youngest is in 6th grade. 5th grade seems to be the year this practice starts pretty consistently and it is always after a venue celebration. So the kids go to a trampoline park, play for a couple of hours, have cake and pizza and always a small group is invited to a sleepover (usually 6 or less). My kids are completely fine with this by the way. They had a blast at the party and they understand that they are closer to some kids than others. So they get invited to some sleepovers and don't make the list for others. It doesn't affect them at all. The only instances when this was an issue that I an remember is when a friend of my daughter didn't invite one of her closest friends because of some tween drama. The girl was really upset. My oldest daughter one time hoped to be invited to a sleepover for a girl she really liked but it was a very new friendship and she was invited to the party, but not the sleepover. I told her friendships need time to grow and that the other girl most likely had a cap for her sleepover and had cousins and older friends who she wanted to invite. My daughter understood perfectly well. The friendship did grow, they are inseparable now. As they grow into adults, it is a good example to show them that they are not going to be invited to everything and that it is ok. BTW, we have only done this once when my daughter had a huge pool party with 30 of her friends and she invited her 4 best friends to a sleepover.

I think we all can agree that four sleeping over out of a group of 30 is different than inviting 12 and telling half to go home. Also, just because you are fine with it doesn't mean it isn't hurtful and mean. Maybe you would like to go to only part of the party but, for me it is not ideal. Just keep us off the list...any list if that is how you feel about us.

That's pretty sensitive. I'm the PP you responded to and I guess I'm not that sensitive and I'm trying to get my kids to have thicker skins because life can be unfair. I can't imagine any of my kids been close friends with everyone. If your child gets invited to a part of a birthday, at this age it is because the birthday kid likes your kid. You would rather your child not go to a party at all if they are not invited to the other part of the party? Friendships are forged through time. Even if I knew ahead of time if there would be a sleepover (and I did know plenty of times through other parents), I wouldn't want my children to miss a party that they wanted to attend and where they can hang out with friends.

This. This right here. Totally agree, PP.

Let me stop you right there. I don't think this at all being too sensitive. I suppose I should end this conversation because you are literally unable to see anyone else's side by your own. But, I will try once more.

In my dd's situation all the kids knew each other for years. This was not a situation where my kid was the new kid. She was invited to part of the party and then found out that they weren't inviting her to the sleep over part. Yes, it hurt my dd's feelings. Yes, she got over it. But, it would have been better not to have gone at all. You got that right.

I find it hard to believe that you would be ok with being invited to a party, getting excited and then told to leave before the dinner party was over. These girls are young. Why can't they have the sleepover party a different night? Why can't they just invite the 12 girls and call it a day? After all, a few of you were saying "what's so special about sleepovers?" So many choices and you choose to be mean and then you add insult to injury and call us "too sensitive" and "snowflakes"

The world is mean enough why can't we teach kindness and be inclusive?

You wait a minute. Who is unable to see another side here? Look in the mirror. I'm sorry your DD had hurt feelings. And the family carried out their party in such a way that she was "told to leave before the dinner party was over." That is not always how these things are carried out and other people are capable of being discreet. And how that was handled was not cool. But, again, there are ways to do it that are more discreet.

I also fundamentally reject the idea that being "inclusive" means you have to be invited to all of the things that you want to be invited to. Or that I have to include everyone to everything just because it makes your job as a parent harder to explain or discuss why your daughter may not have been invited. Because that's what you're saying. And that is unreasonable and wrong.

I'm the pp. Of course I understand yours side but, I was explaining MY side to you. This is my recap of your side:


It is easier to have the sleepover and party on the same day

My dd wants to have a big party ( and maybe get more gifts but, maybe not)


It teaches the excluded kids to be tough and not be so sensitive. Hey, you should be happy that we invited you at all. Isn't that what you are saying? Correct me, please if I am worng.

What I am not saying is your bolded. You have ever right not to invite my dd. But, if you have a separate party after the party don't pretend you are doing my kid a favor or a life lesson. Just don't invite her! Also, if you are so proud of what you are doing why be discreet? What are you ashamed of?

Lastly, I handled the rejection just as you wished. We haven't mentioned it since then and she is 20 so we have long got over it. But, it is still mean and wrong.


Life is unfair cupcake and you can't get everything you want.

Had to throw a "gift grab" aspersion in there didn't you? No, in fact, the last couple of years we have been "no gifts." And who said "proud"? Or ashamed? I'm neither in this situation. And the fact that you went there says more about you than me.
I'm being discreet in the same way I would be discreet about any social obligation. A dinner party I was having. Or a dinner party I was invited to but someone else wasn't. Or plans with a group that I know someone wasn't invited to. I would not rub any of that in someone's face anymore than I would the sleep over.

I understand you may view it as "hurtful or "mean and wrong." We are going to have to disagree. Because I think that's silly. Your last line is the only thing you and I are going to agree on here.

You missed the part where I said maybe. For some, like you it isn't about the gifts but, you can't deny that for others it is about the gifts. Notice I did not say all. You didn't disagree with my perspective on why you consider it not rude so there is that. There are other people on here who have expressed my view perfectly so I am not the only one who considers it mean, not "mean".

Also, there is a big difference in being invited to a dinner party and not talking to a friend. Here they are invited but, not really. Although I have had people do this to me. Do I get mad or sad or hurt? No, I am an adult and I figure they were not friends to begin with and I don't want to spend time with someone who will come to my parties but, not invite me back. We are also talking about kids here which is totally different than adults.

Op, I wish your daughter a wonderful birthday. Hope you at least think of the girls and try to do the right thing.

Kids are not "totally different" as they have to learn to deal with disappointment at some point. This is how adults learn to cope.

And yes it is "mean" b/c your label or conclusion is not dispositive. There are just as many people on here who have supported my position and agree with me.

[Anonymous]

Completely new poster here. I truly do find it fascinating that people are using their exclusionary behavior and unkindness and holding it up as a moral act: by being inconsiderate, we arw teaching kids resilience. Pretty nifty.

. When it is not necessary, I don't see the point in spreading unkindness. It's ridiculous to say Well they're going to be treated poorly eventually so may as well start now.

Like, what?