Is it ok to host a birthday party but only ask a few of the kids to sleep over?

[Anonymous]

This isn't a big deal imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will be in the minority. When our kids where in middle school, it was common to have some kids to stay for the after party sleepover. Nobody kept it a secret. It wasn't a big deal. It was, typically, two to five who would stay after a bigger party. Sleepovers were too common (at least once a week) to be considered something special.

OP is not talking about Javing 30 kids come to a party and then having a sleepover with 3 girls.

She’s talking about inviting 11 girls to a party and HALF get to stay for the sleepover and half don’t. This is not a case of a best friend staying after the party. This is splitting the party in half based on who is a real friend and a pity friend. Most people would rather not be invited .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD's friend did this. DD was invited to the 1st party but not the sleepover. And that's ok. You can't be best friends to everybody. If you're so sheltered how are you going to learn to cope when you go out to the real world?

We cope by being friends with people who treat us well and moving on from people who don’t.

+1

This. I am not going to teach my daughter that she should do whatever she wants, and not to care about the totally foreseeable hurt feelings she will cause, because everyone else should just suck it up and not expect to be coddled. I want her to be a considerate person who takes other people's feelings into account when making decisions, not just her own. I always tell her that she doesn't have to be friends with everyone, but she does have to be kind. She doesn't have to invite everyone to her party, but creating an A-list and a B-list is just unnecessary. This isn't about "best friends," it's about excluding five kids out of a group of eleven.

And she's learning that sometimes she'll be excluded, that sometimes other people aren't considerate, etc. People like you make sure of it! But I don't want her to *be* that kind of person. And she's learning how to cope with that, how to be resilient, and how to choose friends wisely. Which are important. But so is learning to be kind, inclusive, and thoughtful.

All of this. But also, I don't want my child to think this is acceptable and how friends treat each other. We have to teach them confidence and what to accept from friends now or they will let themselves be walked all over by future romantic partners since they won't be able to let go or not be attracted to those who don't treat them well.

New Poster. Fwiw, I grew up during a time when things like this were considered normal or at least not questioned (80s and 90s) and it was always understood that the girl's best friend was going to sleep over after whatever event all the kids were at. Birthday parties, other parties, school events, concerts, etc. I never thought it was "mean girl" behavior because I knew that girl wasn't my best friend and in fact I already had other plans to sleep over at MY best friend's house (or vice versa).

I question the effectiveness of this type of social engineering that moms try to do nowadays. Kids still know who their "best friend" is. It's good to have a best friend. It teaches you how to develop and sustain intimacy with another person before sex comes into the picture.

But op isnt talking about having one or two "besties" sleep over. She's talking about 5 or 6 girls out of 11. That's half the party! That's just a very different scenario than having a single BFF stay after everyone else leaves.

I was talking about the people who say it's all or none, of which there were quite a few.

That’s because OP is choosing between half the party sleep over OR nobody sleepover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just did this on Friday night.
My DD had 25 13 year old boys & girls over; they played games like spooky truth or dare on the trampoline, they played air hockey & ping pong, capture the flag, medusa, hide & seek (we have a huge back & front yard) & then she had 5 of the girls stay over.

They're all really sweet girls, so nobody mentioned that they were staying over to anyone else at the party & nobody posted it to social media. There were no hurt feelings & everyone had a great time.

You're very naive to think word won't get out. It probably already has and it certainly will by the end of the week.

It didn’t get out... these girls would never tell anyone outside of those who stayed over because they wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Try not to generalize every group of kids with blanket statements, they’re not all the same.

LOL! I think you actually believe this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just did this on Friday night.
My DD had 25 13 year old boys & girls over; they played games like spooky truth or dare on the trampoline, they played air hockey & ping pong, capture the flag, medusa, hide & seek (we have a huge back & front yard) & then she had 5 of the girls stay over.

They're all really sweet girls, so nobody mentioned that they were staying over to anyone else at the party & nobody posted it to social media. There were no hurt feelings & everyone had a great time.

You're very naive to think word won't get out. It probably already has and it certainly will by the end of the week.

It didn’t get out... these girls would never tell anyone outside of those who stayed over because they wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Try not to generalize every group of kids with blanket statements, they’re not all the same.

LOL! I think you actually believe this.

It didn't when we had friends sleep over after the party. So, I can see why she would believe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Unless she wants to be known as a mean girl and lose those friends who get sent home.

I'm pretty sure the people doing the "mean girl" labeling will be the parents who can't handle the fact that their kids weren't invited to everything, not the girls who are probably more emotionally well adjusted than their parents. Based on the responses on this thread, I'm sure there will be a lot of mean girl labeling when OP's daughter has the party/sleepover and decides to completely exclude the extra five girls she wanted to invite to the party. I'm constantly astounded by the number parents who don't understand the importance of teaching their kids resilience and that it's ok not to be included in everything. You're basically saying that an appropriate response to not being invited to the sleepover segment would be to no longer be friends with OP's daughter. How emotionally discfunctional is that? That's basically saying, if I can't be your best friend, I don't want to be your friend.

No, it’s saying if you don’t treat others decently, I don't want to be your friend.

It also always amazes me how many people think that it's okay for them to act in an exclusive or unkind way because kids need to learn resilience. Why be proud that you're providing the opportunity for someone to learn that people suck? Yes, my kid needs to learn resilience, and mean people will make sure she has opportunities. That doesn't mean she needs to be friends with mean people. Another thing she needs to learn is how to choose friends wisely.

And if someone indicates, very clearly and explicitly, that I am on their B-list of friends, then why isn't it perfectly rational to decide that I'd rather not be friends with them at all? Are *you* grateful to be explicitly stuck on the B-list? Does that make you feel closer to a person? Or does that make you think that you should put your energy into better friendships?

This is not about one or two best friends v. other friends. We're talking about half the group being on the A list and half being on the B list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Unless she wants to be known as a mean girl and lose those friends who get sent home.

I'm pretty sure the people doing the "mean girl" labeling will be the parents who can't handle the fact that their kids weren't invited to everything, not the girls who are probably more emotionally well adjusted than their parents. Based on the responses on this thread, I'm sure there will be a lot of mean girl labeling when OP's daughter has the party/sleepover and decides to completely exclude the extra five girls she wanted to invite to the party. I'm constantly astounded by the number parents who don't understand the importance of teaching their kids resilience and that it's ok not to be included in everything. You're basically saying that an appropriate response to not being invited to the sleepover segment would be to no longer be friends with OP's daughter. How emotionally discfunctional is that? That's basically saying, if I can't be your best friend, I don't want to be your friend.

No, it’s saying if you don’t treat others decently, I don't want to be your friend.

It also always amazes me how many people think that it's okay for them to act in an exclusive or unkind way because kids need to learn resilience. Why be proud that you're providing the opportunity for someone to learn that people suck? Yes, my kid needs to learn resilience, and mean people will make sure she has opportunities. That doesn't mean she needs to be friends with mean people. Another thing she needs to learn is how to choose friends wisely.

And if someone indicates, very clearly and explicitly, that I am on their B-list of friends, then why isn't it perfectly rational to decide that I'd rather not be friends with them at all? Are *you* grateful to be explicitly stuck on the B-list? Does that make you feel closer to a person? Or does that make you think that you should put your energy into better friendships?

This is not about one or two best friends v. other friends. We're talking about half the group being on the A list and half being on the B list.

People don't "suck" for not including everyone. You need to teach your kids that this isn't a big deal. In life you'll get invited to some things and not others. And as far as whether I care about being on the "B-list," I have friends who I'm really close to and others with whom I'm friendly, but not as close. I assume it's the same with most people, so I don't get upset if I'm not included in everything my not as close friends plan. I think the solution here seems to be to have only the A list of 6 friends over and show the other girls they didn't even make a B-List or any list at all.

[Anonymous]

No.
Reign in your daughter

[Anonymous]

No way.
Have the sleepover another day.

[Anonymous]

Go back to your daughter's original plan of going out, but only with the six girls invited to the sleepover. Or Have the party at home and do something special for the six girls. Having the sleepover some other weekend isn't the same. Don't try to include the other five girls because you and your daughter will clearly get a lot of negative blow back for trying to include the extra girls in some of the birthday celebration. It's not worth it. Let your daughter enjoy her day without the unnecessary drama that other parents would take it upon themselves to create if you try to include their child in only one part of the birthday celebration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Unless she wants to be known as a mean girl and lose those friends who get sent home.

I'm pretty sure the people doing the "mean girl" labeling will be the parents who can't handle the fact that their kids weren't invited to everything, not the girls who are probably more emotionally well adjusted than their parents. Based on the responses on this thread, I'm sure there will be a lot of mean girl labeling when OP's daughter has the party/sleepover and decides to completely exclude the extra five girls she wanted to invite to the party. I'm constantly astounded by the number parents who don't understand the importance of teaching their kids resilience and that it's ok not to be included in everything. You're basically saying that an appropriate response to not being invited to the sleepover segment would be to no longer be friends with OP's daughter. How emotionally discfunctional is that? That's basically saying, if I can't be your best friend, I don't want to be your friend.

No, it’s saying if you don’t treat others decently, I don't want to be your friend.

It also always amazes me how many people think that it's okay for them to act in an exclusive or unkind way because kids need to learn resilience. Why be proud that you're providing the opportunity for someone to learn that people suck? Yes, my kid needs to learn resilience, and mean people will make sure she has opportunities. That doesn't mean she needs to be friends with mean people. Another thing she needs to learn is how to choose friends wisely.

And if someone indicates, very clearly and explicitly, that I am on their B-list of friends, then why isn't it perfectly rational to decide that I'd rather not be friends with them at all? Are *you* grateful to be explicitly stuck on the B-list? Does that make you feel closer to a person? Or does that make you think that you should put your energy into better friendships?

This is not about one or two best friends v. other friends. We're talking about half the group being on the A list and half being on the B list.

People don't "suck" for not including everyone. You need to teach your kids that this isn't a big deal. In life you'll get invited to some things and not others. And as far as whether I care about being on the "B-list," I have friends who I'm really close to and others with whom I'm friendly, but not as close. I assume it's the same with most people, so I don't get upset if I'm not included in everything my not as close friends plan. I think the solution here seems to be to have only the A list of 6 friends over and show the other girls they didn't even make a B-List or any list at all.

And people wonder why kids continue crappy behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you invite some guests to the wedding ceremony, but not the reception?

I was thinking of this as well. There was actually an even better thread on Mumsnet where the bride sent out Save the Date cards, then did not invite the OP of the thread to the wedding, and then asked the uninvited OP to decorate the venue for free and was utterly baffled when she was refused. My jaw was on the floor.

Compared to that, this is nothing, OP, but I agree that you can't do this. 12 is not an age where everybody has to be included in everything anymore, but some things are just rude and this is one of them. 12-year-old girls care desperately about their place in the social hierarchy and this is fertile ground for some catty behavior and very hurt feelings. Don't open this can of worms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will be in the minority. When our kids where in middle school, it was common to have some kids to stay for the after party sleepover. Nobody kept it a secret. It wasn't a big deal. It was, typically, two to five who would stay after a bigger party. Sleepovers were too common (at least once a week) to be considered something special.

OP is not talking about Javing 30 kids come to a party and then having a sleepover with 3 girls.

She’s talking about inviting 11 girls to a party and HALF get to stay for the sleepover and half don’t. This is not a case of a best friend staying after the party. This is splitting the party in half based on who is a real friend and a pity friend. Most people would rather not be invited .

I will reiterate. It happened a lot and it was not a big deal. It's not a pity friend, it's a friend, aka a person to hang out with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Unless she wants to be known as a mean girl and lose those friends who get sent home.

I'm pretty sure the people doing the "mean girl" labeling will be the parents who can't handle the fact that their kids weren't invited to everything, not the girls who are probably more emotionally well adjusted than their parents. Based on the responses on this thread, I'm sure there will be a lot of mean girl labeling when OP's daughter has the party/sleepover and decides to completely exclude the extra five girls she wanted to invite to the party. I'm constantly astounded by the number parents who don't understand the importance of teaching their kids resilience and that it's ok not to be included in everything. You're basically saying that an appropriate response to not being invited to the sleepover segment would be to no longer be friends with OP's daughter. How emotionally discfunctional is that? That's basically saying, if I can't be your best friend, I don't want to be your friend.

No, it’s saying if you don’t treat others decently, I don't want to be your friend.

It also always amazes me how many people think that it's okay for them to act in an exclusive or unkind way because kids need to learn resilience. Why be proud that you're providing the opportunity for someone to learn that people suck? Yes, my kid needs to learn resilience, and mean people will make sure she has opportunities. That doesn't mean she needs to be friends with mean people. Another thing she needs to learn is how to choose friends wisely.

And if someone indicates, very clearly and explicitly, that I am on their B-list of friends, then why isn't it perfectly rational to decide that I'd rather not be friends with them at all? Are *you* grateful to be explicitly stuck on the B-list? Does that make you feel closer to a person? Or does that make you think that you should put your energy into better friendships?

This is not about one or two best friends v. other friends. We're talking about half the group being on the A list and half being on the B list.

THIS. Of course it's not OK and it bums me out that anyone thinks it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Unless she wants to be known as a mean girl and lose those friends who get sent home.

I'm pretty sure the people doing the "mean girl" labeling will be the parents who can't handle the fact that their kids weren't invited to everything, not the girls who are probably more emotionally well adjusted than their parents. Based on the responses on this thread, I'm sure there will be a lot of mean girl labeling when OP's daughter has the party/sleepover and decides to completely exclude the extra five girls she wanted to invite to the party. I'm constantly astounded by the number parents who don't understand the importance of teaching their kids resilience and that it's ok not to be included in everything. You're basically saying that an appropriate response to not being invited to the sleepover segment would be to no longer be friends with OP's daughter. How emotionally discfunctional is that? That's basically saying, if I can't be your best friend, I don't want to be your friend.

No, it’s saying if you don’t treat others decently, I don't want to be your friend.

It also always amazes me how many people think that it's okay for them to act in an exclusive or unkind way because kids need to learn resilience. Why be proud that you're providing the opportunity for someone to learn that people suck? Yes, my kid needs to learn resilience, and mean people will make sure she has opportunities. That doesn't mean she needs to be friends with mean people. Another thing she needs to learn is how to choose friends wisely.

And if someone indicates, very clearly and explicitly, that I am on their B-list of friends, then why isn't it perfectly rational to decide that I'd rather not be friends with them at all? Are *you* grateful to be explicitly stuck on the B-list? Does that make you feel closer to a person? Or does that make you think that you should put your energy into better friendships?

This is not about one or two best friends v. other friends. We're talking about half the group being on the A list and half being on the B list.

People don't "suck" for not including everyone. You need to teach your kids that this isn't a big deal. In life you'll get invited to some things and not others. And as far as whether I care about being on the "B-list," I have friends who I'm really close to and others with whom I'm friendly, but not as close. I assume it's the same with most people, so I don't get upset if I'm not included in everything my not as close friends plan. I think the solution here seems to be to have only the A list of 6 friends over and show the other girls they didn't even make a B-List or any list at all.

And people wonder why kids continue crappy behavior.

And this thread clearly shows why this generation of kids are so emotionally fragile. How is not being included in a sleepover such a traumatic event that there are pages and pages of adults labeling OP's child a mean girl....when she clearly was just trying to include the other five girls in some part of the day so they wouldn't feel bad? It's fine to say, hey, I think it might hurt the girls' feeling so I wouldn't do it. However, the over the top painting of OP's daughter as some rude mean girl is just insane. You are not doing your girls any favors if this is how you react to minor issues.