Is it ok to host a birthday party but only ask a few of the kids to sleep over?

[Anonymous]

Nope, she's just asking for problems. I've seen this happen and the bday girl ends up losing friends over it.

I mean, you say you want her to have less, so this could be the way that happens, but...

This is how the party will go... one girl, who has just a bit of mean b!tch starting to come out, will saying something like, "I can't wait for our sleepover tonight!" in front of the other girls to make them jealous. Then, the most vocal of the non-sleeper-overs will get very huffy and seethe before confronting your daughter with "why does Emma get to stay over and I don't? I thought we were friends! If we were friends, I'd be staying over too! Why do you like her more than me?"

If this is what she ultimately wants to do, I think you need to have the party one weekend and the sleepover another weekend. Or the sleepover Fri night - Sat and the party Sat afternoon, but that could still be problematic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 12 year old DD has a lot of friends -- too many friends for my taste, but that's another story. Anyway. She wants to invite 11 girls to her birthday at a venue such as Shadowlands, and she also wants to have a sleepover with 6 of her closest friends on the same day. I told her we can't afford to take 11 kids to a venue, if she wants to invite that many kids, we need to do something at home. She's agreed to that, but she won't give up the sleepover. I suggested to her that we have the 6 closest kids come over a few weeks later for a regular sleepover, so the 5 kids who are not staying for a sleepover don't get offended, but she says then the sleepover won't be a birthday sleepover any more. She wants it all to be on the same day. Long story short - is it ok to host a party for 11 girls but only having 6 girls stay for the sleep over? I assume that will cause all kinds of friction. DD is arguing that the friction of not being invited to the sleepover is the lesser of the two evils, because 5 kids in the wider circle will be really upset if they're not invited to anything at all. We're new to the US and I'm not sure what the etiquette on this should be. Thanks.

No not ok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't even think 1 or 2 is ok. All or none..or a different day but it is not a b-day party.

One is fine when the group is that large.

If the party was six girls, one would not be fine.

[Anonymous]

no

[Anonymous]

OP, we are doing a slight version of this. One of DD's friends lives an hour away, so she is sleeping over after the party. The other girls live 5 mins away. We're not making it a known thing. I think this is ok, but wouldn't invite half the girls to stay over!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is incredibly rude and mean girl type behavior.

She can have a party and one girl sleeps over, no big deal.

Or she can have a party and all the girls sleep over. Wonderful.

But having a party where just over half the girls sleep over? Rude and mean.

It's not rude or mean. It's highly unlikely that a teen is equally close to 11 friends. Also, having 11 kids sleep over is a lot. I don't view this as mean girl behavior. Also, before you start saying that's likely because I was a mean girl or that my girls are likely mean girls, I wasn't, and my DD would likely be one of the excluded girls because she's shy and introverted. Labeling everything mean girl type behavior is counterproductive. I guess OP should just not inclythe extra five girls in any part of the evening because of people like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is incredibly rude and mean girl type behavior.

She can have a party and one girl sleeps over, no big deal.

Or she can have a party and all the girls sleep over. Wonderful.

But having a party where just over half the girls sleep over? Rude and mean.

100% this.

[Anonymous]

I've seen it done where a large group (20+) is invited for an event and then a smaller group stays for a sleepover. It worked OK although if you were invited to both events the invite mentioned being quiet about the sleepover portion. Kind of a weird situation. With the numbers you are suggesting I definitely wouldn't do it.

On a separate note, sleepover parties with more than 1 or 2 kids are fun but leave everyone wrecked for the rest of the weekend and beyond. Teachers say they can absolutely tell when there has been a sleepover and the effects last until at least Wednesday in terms of performance.

I would just have a big non sleepover party for the 11.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we are doing a slight version of this. One of DD's friends lives an hour away, so she is sleeping over after the party. The other girls live 5 mins away. We're not making it a known thing. I think this is ok, but wouldn't invite half the girls to stay over!

I think this is fine, even if it was known. Or if one friend's parents are out of town that weekend so she's staying over, or if OP's daughter had a widely acknowledged best friend. Kids get all of those circumstances even if they wish they were already included. However, setting up a situation where half the girls stay and half the girls have to leave is just unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is incredibly rude and mean girl type behavior.

She can have a party and one girl sleeps over, no big deal.

Or she can have a party and all the girls sleep over. Wonderful.

But having a party where just over half the girls sleep over? Rude and mean.

It's not rude or mean. It's highly unlikely that a teen is equally close to 11 friends. Also, having 11 kids sleep over is a lot. I don't view this as mean girl behavior. Also, before you start saying that's likely because I was a mean girl or that my girls are likely mean girls, I wasn't, and my DD would likely be one of the excluded girls because she's shy and introverted. Labeling everything mean girl type behavior is counterproductive. I guess OP should just not inclythe extra five girls in any part of the evening because of people like you.

You’re wrong. If the teen isn’t close to the people, she should not invite them in the first place. Allowing even some to stay (barring extenuating circumstances, like one coming from a very far distance), IS RUDE. Saying it isn’t rude just shows that you, too, have bad manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we are doing a slight version of this. One of DD's friends lives an hour away, so she is sleeping over after the party. The other girls live 5 mins away. We're not making it a known thing. I think this is ok, but wouldn't invite half the girls to stay over!

I think this is fine, even if it was known. Or if one friend's parents are out of town that weekend so she's staying over, or if OP's daughter had a widely acknowledged best friend. Kids get all of those circumstances even if they wish they were already included. However, setting up a situation where half the girls stay and half the girls have to leave is just unkind.

I agree with these posters.

Inviting all 11 and then only asking half to spend the night is asking for trouble and creating drama unnecessarily. I would give her the choice of one or the other and end it. Her opinion that it isn't going to be a problem doesn't matter because you as the adult think it is a problem.

Also, do you really want to deal with a parent calling you and demanding to know why her Larla wasn't invited to stay over? If you are in a private school it may also be against their conduct code.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we are doing a slight version of this. One of DD's friends lives an hour away, so she is sleeping over after the party. The other girls live 5 mins away. We're not making it a known thing. I think this is ok, but wouldn't invite half the girls to stay over!

This is fine because of the reason, but otherwise no, you do not invite a bunch of people over for an event and then tell some of them they have to leave early while the rest are welcome to stay for more fun. OP, your daughter needs to choose bigger non-sleepover or smaller sleepover, but she can't do both.

[Anonymous]

No, not ok!

Sleepover on a different day or maybe only have her best friend sleepover after the party.

[Anonymous]

My daughter was invited to a party like this in fourth grade, she was one of the girls not invited to sleep over. She didn’t know half the girls were staying and when I picked gr up she was in tears because she hadn’t been invited “to the real party”. It was very awkward and rude. Please don’t do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is incredibly rude and mean girl type behavior.

She can have a party and one girl sleeps over, no big deal.

Or she can have a party and all the girls sleep over. Wonderful.

But having a party where just over half the girls sleep over? Rude and mean.

It's not rude or mean. It's highly unlikely that a teen is equally close to 11 friends. Also, having 11 kids sleep over is a lot. I don't view this as mean girl behavior. Also, before you start saying that's likely because I was a mean girl or that my girls are likely mean girls, I wasn't, and my DD would likely be one of the excluded girls because she's shy and introverted. Labeling everything mean girl type behavior is counterproductive. I guess OP should just not inclythe extra five girls in any part of the evening because of people like you.

Ok so picture this - picking up your shy, introverted DD and seeing several of the other girls giggling and laughing and having a good time and barely saying good bye to her before they run off to have fun and your DD slinking to the car and getting in and telling you everything was "fine". As a mom, would that really, truly not make you feel really bad for your DD? I think it would make even a stranger feel bad for her.