Is it ok to host a birthday party but only ask a few of the kids to sleep over?

[Anonymous]

I remember all the bar and bat mitzvahs through the middle school. There are so many different levels of invitation there (service, after service, party, after party). Those, who are hurt for their "excluded" kids, how do you handle that? Some siblings are invited and some are not. It's not kindergarten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether it is ok or not, it is done ALL THE TIME from 6th grade on for girls and boys. I have 4 kids, my youngest is in 6th grade. 5th grade seems to be the year this practice starts pretty consistently and it is always after a venue celebration. So the kids go to a trampoline park, play for a couple of hours, have cake and pizza and always a small group is invited to a sleepover (usually 6 or less). My kids are completely fine with this by the way. They had a blast at the party and they understand that they are closer to some kids than others. So they get invited to some sleepovers and don't make the list for others. It doesn't affect them at all. The only instances when this was an issue that I an remember is when a friend of my daughter didn't invite one of her closest friends because of some tween drama. The girl was really upset. My oldest daughter one time hoped to be invited to a sleepover for a girl she really liked but it was a very new friendship and she was invited to the party, but not the sleepover. I told her friendships need time to grow and that the other girl most likely had a cap for her sleepover and had cousins and older friends who she wanted to invite. My daughter understood perfectly well. The friendship did grow, they are inseparable now. As they grow into adults, it is a good example to show them that they are not going to be invited to everything and that it is ok. BTW, we have only done this once when my daughter had a huge pool party with 30 of her friends and she invited her 4 best friends to a sleepover.

I think we all can agree that four sleeping over out of a group of 30 is different than inviting 12 and telling half to go home. Also, just because you are fine with it doesn't mean it isn't hurtful and mean. Maybe you would like to go to only part of the party but, for me it is not ideal. Just keep us off the list...any list if that is how you feel about us.

That's pretty sensitive. I'm the PP you responded to and I guess I'm not that sensitive and I'm trying to get my kids to have thicker skins because life can be unfair. I can't imagine any of my kids been close friends with everyone. If your child gets invited to a part of a birthday, at this age it is because the birthday kid likes your kid. You would rather your child not go to a party at all if they are not invited to the other part of the party? Friendships are forged through time. Even if I knew ahead of time if there would be a sleepover (and I did know plenty of times through other parents), I wouldn't want my children to miss a party that they wanted to attend and where they can hang out with friends.

This. This right here. Totally agree, PP.

Let me stop you right there. I don't think this at all being too sensitive. I suppose I should end this conversation because you are literally unable to see anyone else's side by your own. But, I will try once more.

In my dd's situation all the kids knew each other for years. This was not a situation where my kid was the new kid. She was invited to part of the party and then found out that they weren't inviting her to the sleep over part. Yes, it hurt my dd's feelings. Yes, she got over it. But, it would have been better not to have gone at all. You got that right.

I find it hard to believe that you would be ok with being invited to a party, getting excited and then told to leave before the dinner party was over. These girls are young. Why can't they have the sleepover party a different night? Why can't they just invite the 12 girls and call it a day? After all, a few of you were saying "what's so special about sleepovers?" So many choices and you choose to be mean and then you add insult to injury and call us "too sensitive" and "snowflakes"

The world is mean enough why can't we teach kindness and be inclusive?

You wait a minute. Who is unable to see another side here? Look in the mirror. I'm sorry your DD had hurt feelings. And the family carried out their party in such a way that she was "told to leave before the dinner party was over." That is not always how these things are carried out and other people are capable of being discreet. And how that was handled was not cool. But, again, there are ways to do it that are more discreet.

I also fundamentally reject the idea that being "inclusive" means you have to be invited to all of the things that you want to be invited to. Or that I have to include everyone to everything just because it makes your job as a parent harder to explain or discuss why your daughter may not have been invited. Because that's what you're saying. And that is unreasonable and wrong.

I'm the pp. Of course I understand yours side but, I was explaining MY side to you. This is my recap of your side:


It is easier to have the sleepover and party on the same day

My dd wants to have a big party ( and maybe get more gifts but, maybe not)


It teaches the excluded kids to be tough and not be so sensitive. Hey, you should be happy that we invited you at all. Isn't that what you are saying? Correct me, please if I am worng.

What I am not saying is your bolded. You have ever right not to invite my dd. But, if you have a separate party after the party don't pretend you are doing my kid a favor or a life lesson. Just don't invite her! Also, if you are so proud of what you are doing why be discreet? What are you ashamed of?

Lastly, I handled the rejection just as you wished. We haven't mentioned it since then and she is 20 so we have long got over it. But, it is still mean and wrong.


Life is unfair cupcake and you can't get everything you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether it is ok or not, it is done ALL THE TIME from 6th grade on for girls and boys. I have 4 kids, my youngest is in 6th grade. 5th grade seems to be the year this practice starts pretty consistently and it is always after a venue celebration. So the kids go to a trampoline park, play for a couple of hours, have cake and pizza and always a small group is invited to a sleepover (usually 6 or less). My kids are completely fine with this by the way. They had a blast at the party and they understand that they are closer to some kids than others. So they get invited to some sleepovers and don't make the list for others. It doesn't affect them at all. The only instances when this was an issue that I an remember is when a friend of my daughter didn't invite one of her closest friends because of some tween drama. The girl was really upset. My oldest daughter one time hoped to be invited to a sleepover for a girl she really liked but it was a very new friendship and she was invited to the party, but not the sleepover. I told her friendships need time to grow and that the other girl most likely had a cap for her sleepover and had cousins and older friends who she wanted to invite. My daughter understood perfectly well. The friendship did grow, they are inseparable now. As they grow into adults, it is a good example to show them that they are not going to be invited to everything and that it is ok. BTW, we have only done this once when my daughter had a huge pool party with 30 of her friends and she invited her 4 best friends to a sleepover.

I think we all can agree that four sleeping over out of a group of 30 is different than inviting 12 and telling half to go home. Also, just because you are fine with it doesn't mean it isn't hurtful and mean. Maybe you would like to go to only part of the party but, for me it is not ideal. Just keep us off the list...any list if that is how you feel about us.

That's pretty sensitive. I'm the PP you responded to and I guess I'm not that sensitive and I'm trying to get my kids to have thicker skins because life can be unfair. I can't imagine any of my kids been close friends with everyone. If your child gets invited to a part of a birthday, at this age it is because the birthday kid likes your kid. You would rather your child not go to a party at all if they are not invited to the other part of the party? Friendships are forged through time. Even if I knew ahead of time if there would be a sleepover (and I did know plenty of times through other parents), I wouldn't want my children to miss a party that they wanted to attend and where they can hang out with friends.

This. This right here. Totally agree, PP.

Let me stop you right there. I don't think this at all being too sensitive. I suppose I should end this conversation because you are literally unable to see anyone else's side by your own. But, I will try once more.

In my dd's situation all the kids knew each other for years. This was not a situation where my kid was the new kid. She was invited to part of the party and then found out that they weren't inviting her to the sleep over part. Yes, it hurt my dd's feelings. Yes, she got over it. But, it would have been better not to have gone at all. You got that right.

I find it hard to believe that you would be ok with being invited to a party, getting excited and then told to leave before the dinner party was over. These girls are young. Why can't they have the sleepover party a different night? Why can't they just invite the 12 girls and call it a day? After all, a few of you were saying "what's so special about sleepovers?" So many choices and you choose to be mean and then you add insult to injury and call us "too sensitive" and "snowflakes"

The world is mean enough why can't we teach kindness and be inclusive?

You wait a minute. Who is unable to see another side here? Look in the mirror. I'm sorry your DD had hurt feelings. And the family carried out their party in such a way that she was "told to leave before the dinner party was over." That is not always how these things are carried out and other people are capable of being discreet. And how that was handled was not cool. But, again, there are ways to do it that are more discreet.

I also fundamentally reject the idea that being "inclusive" means you have to be invited to all of the things that you want to be invited to. Or that I have to include everyone to everything just because it makes your job as a parent harder to explain or discuss why your daughter may not have been invited. Because that's what you're saying. And that is unreasonable and wrong.

I'm the pp. Of course I understand yours side but, I was explaining MY side to you. This is my recap of your side:


It is easier to have the sleepover and party on the same day

My dd wants to have a big party ( and maybe get more gifts but, maybe not)


It teaches the excluded kids to be tough and not be so sensitive. Hey, you should be happy that we invited you at all. Isn't that what you are saying? Correct me, please if I am worng.

What I am not saying is your bolded. You have ever right not to invite my dd. But, if you have a separate party after the party don't pretend you are doing my kid a favor or a life lesson. Just don't invite her! Also, if you are so proud of what you are doing why be discreet? What are you ashamed of?

Lastly, I handled the rejection just as you wished. We haven't mentioned it since then and she is 20 so we have long got over it. But, it is still mean and wrong.


Life is unfair cupcake and you can't get everything you want.


This last part should be your side ( Life is unfair cupcake...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is one of those threads that has revealed way more about people than was intended, it's quite fascinating. I thought it was a simple question but obviously it's not.

It seems that the many, many people who are taking the original question as an affront, describing my daughter as 'mean' and 'unkind', calling her a 'jerk' and a 'brat,' who think that she's inviting her wider circle friends out of 'pity' or because she wants to 'grab gifts' and 'throw them crumbs,' who think that she's not 'really friends' with them because they can't stay for the sleepover (out of space/logistical reasons, not out of any malice) have a definition of social relationships that I've never encountered in real life before. At first I thought they had a point, but as the attacks piled on, I realized that these posters simply have a world view that's very different from mine. DD and I don't view friendships as competitions and we don't think parties are battles for attention. My daughter and I consider friendships to be a natural, fun, part of life -- sometimes you make friends, sometimes you lose friends, you have close friends, you have not-so-close friends and you have acquaintances that you chat with occasionally on the street. When you have a party, you invite as many people as you can comfortably fit into your living room, and when you have a sleepover, you invite the number that will fit on sleeping bags on the floor. All the other assumptions of ill intent and expressions of envy are really misplaced in this debate. Anyway, we haven't made a decision yet on how we'll proceed. This thread has given me a lot of food for thought.

OP, here is your takeaway. You and your daughter's approach is generally fine, but there are people (as exhibited by this post) who will be insulted and hurt at being asked to come to the party but not the sleepover. If you want to make sure not to insult or hurt those people, have the sleepover on a different day. If you do not care that some people may be insulted and hurt, carry on with the sleepover on the same day. That's it. You do not have to agree with those people. But now you know they exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember all the bar and bat mitzvahs through the middle school. There are so many different levels of invitation there (service, after service, party, after party). Those, who are hurt for their "excluded" kids, how do you handle that? Some siblings are invited and some are not. It's not kindergarten.

I don't think this is a fair comparison. Also, why is "excluded" in quotes. Are they excluded or not? Personally, I would be grateful not to be invited to any religious service so you would be doing us a favor not to include us. I wouldn't be hurt at all. Relieved!

But thanks for playing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember all the bar and bat mitzvahs through the middle school. There are so many different levels of invitation there (service, after service, party, after party). Those, who are hurt for their "excluded" kids, how do you handle that? Some siblings are invited and some are not. It's not kindergarten.

I don't think this is a fair comparison. Also, why is "excluded" in quotes. Are they excluded or not? Personally, I would be grateful not to be invited to any religious service so you would be doing us a favor not to include us. I wouldn't be hurt at all. Relieved!

But thanks for playing!

Excluded is in quotes because in this thread it has a loaded meaning of a mean act. If you are okay with no invitation to service then why are you not okay with no invitation to a sleepover after the bat mitzvah party? You should be relieved too, as, since your kid didn't want to share an important moment with the kid, she should want to share some unimportant activity such as a sleepover.

[Anonymous]

^^she should not want to share some unimportant activity such as a sleepover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is one of those threads that has revealed way more about people than was intended, it's quite fascinating. I thought it was a simple question but obviously it's not.

It seems that the many, many people who are taking the original question as an affront, describing my daughter as 'mean' and 'unkind', calling her a 'jerk' and a 'brat,' who think that she's inviting her wider circle friends out of 'pity' or because she wants to 'grab gifts' and 'throw them crumbs,' who think that she's not 'really friends' with them because they can't stay for the sleepover (out of space/logistical reasons, not out of any malice) have a definition of social relationships that I've never encountered in real life before. At first I thought they had a point, but as the attacks piled on, I realized that these posters simply have a world view that's very different from mine. DD and I don't view friendships as competitions and we don't think parties are battles for attention. My daughter and I consider friendships to be a natural, fun, part of life -- sometimes you make friends, sometimes you lose friends, you have close friends, you have not-so-close friends and you have acquaintances that you chat with occasionally on the street. When you have a party, you invite as many people as you can comfortably fit into your living room, and when you have a sleepover, you invite the number that will fit on sleeping bags on the floor. All the other assumptions of ill intent and expressions of envy are really misplaced in this debate. Anyway, we haven't made a decision yet on how we'll proceed. This thread has given me a lot of food for thought.

OP, here is your takeaway. You and your daughter's approach is generally fine, but there are people (as exhibited by this post) who will be insulted and hurt at being asked to come to the party but not the sleepover. If you want to make sure not to insult or hurt those people, have the sleepover on a different day. If you do not care that some people may be insulted and hurt, carry on with the sleepover on the same day. That's it. You do not have to agree with those people. But now you know they exist.

OP here. This is a very reasonable summary, thanks for breathing some perspective into this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is one of those threads that has revealed way more about people than was intended, it's quite fascinating. I thought it was a simple question but obviously it's not.

It seems that the many, many people who are taking the original question as an affront, describing my daughter as 'mean' and 'unkind', calling her a 'jerk' and a 'brat,' who think that she's inviting her wider circle friends out of 'pity' or because she wants to 'grab gifts' and 'throw them crumbs,' who think that she's not 'really friends' with them because they can't stay for the sleepover (out of space/logistical reasons, not out of any malice) have a definition of social relationships that I've never encountered in real life before. At first I thought they had a point, but as the attacks piled on, I realized that these posters simply have a world view that's very different from mine. DD and I don't view friendships as competitions and we don't think parties are battles for attention. My daughter and I consider friendships to be a natural, fun, part of life -- sometimes you make friends, sometimes you lose friends, you have close friends, you have not-so-close friends and you have acquaintances that you chat with occasionally on the street. When you have a party, you invite as many people as you can comfortably fit into your living room, and when you have a sleepover, you invite the number that will fit on sleeping bags on the floor. All the other assumptions of ill intent and expressions of envy are really misplaced in this debate. Anyway, we haven't made a decision yet on how we'll proceed. This thread has given me a lot of food for thought.

OP, here is your takeaway. You and your daughter's approach is generally fine, but there are people (as exhibited by this post) who will be insulted and hurt at being asked to come to the party but not the sleepover. If you want to make sure not to insult or hurt those people, have the sleepover on a different day. If you do not care that some people may be insulted and hurt, carry on with the sleepover on the same day. That's it. You do not have to agree with those people. But now you know they exist.

OP here. This is a very reasonable summary, thanks for breathing some perspective into this thread.

I think there was plenty of perspective on the thread before. Some people went a little over the top, but many people just pointed out that some girls are likely to have their feelings hurt. And I don't view my kid's birthday as an opportunity to teach *others kids* that life isn't fair, they won't be invited to everything, so they need to suck it up and grow a thick skin. It's not my job or her job to do that. I view it as an opportunity to teach *my* daughter about being a gracious host, about considering others' feelings, and about being kind. You don't have to invite everyone to everything. But the way that you handle it should be kind. Inviting people, and then sending half of them home part way through, seems to me to be meaningfully different from only inviting half the girls in the first place, and it seems unnecessarily unkind and likely to cause hurt feelings. So I would not let my daughter do that, and we would talk about why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is one of those threads that has revealed way more about people than was intended, it's quite fascinating. I thought it was a simple question but obviously it's not.

It seems that the many, many people who are taking the original question as an affront, describing my daughter as 'mean' and 'unkind', calling her a 'jerk' and a 'brat,' who think that she's inviting her wider circle friends out of 'pity' or because she wants to 'grab gifts' and 'throw them crumbs,' who think that she's not 'really friends' with them because they can't stay for the sleepover (out of space/logistical reasons, not out of any malice) have a definition of social relationships that I've never encountered in real life before. At first I thought they had a point, but as the attacks piled on, I realized that these posters simply have a world view that's very different from mine. DD and I don't view friendships as competitions and we don't think parties are battles for attention. My daughter and I consider friendships to be a natural, fun, part of life -- sometimes you make friends, sometimes you lose friends, you have close friends, you have not-so-close friends and you have acquaintances that you chat with occasionally on the street. When you have a party, you invite as many people as you can comfortably fit into your living room, and when you have a sleepover, you invite the number that will fit on sleeping bags on the floor. All the other assumptions of ill intent and expressions of envy are really misplaced in this debate. Anyway, we haven't made a decision yet on how we'll proceed. This thread has given me a lot of food for thought.

OP, here is your takeaway. You and your daughter's approach is generally fine, but there are people (as exhibited by this post) who will be insulted and hurt at being asked to come to the party but not the sleepover. If you want to make sure not to insult or hurt those people, have the sleepover on a different day. If you do not care that some people may be insulted and hurt, carry on with the sleepover on the same day. That's it. You do not have to agree with those people. But now you know they exist.

OP here. This is a very reasonable summary, thanks for breathing some perspective into this thread.

I think there was plenty of perspective on the thread before. Some people went a little over the top, but many people just pointed out that some girls are likely to have their feelings hurt. And I don't view my kid's birthday as an opportunity to teach *others kids* that life isn't fair, they won't be invited to everything, so they need to suck it up and grow a thick skin. It's not my job or her job to do that. I view it as an opportunity to teach *my* daughter about being a gracious host, about considering others' feelings, and about being kind. You don't have to invite everyone to everything. But the way that you handle it should be kind. Inviting people, and then sending half of them home part way through, seems to me to be meaningfully different from only inviting half the girls in the first place, and it seems unnecessarily unkind and likely to cause hurt feelings. So I would not let my daughter do that, and we would talk about why.

Yes. The reasonable takeaway is that no, this is not okay.

[Anonymous]

This thread went off the rails a little bit, but I think OP got some good advice early on. I hope that doesn't get lost in some of the craziness later.

OP, in my opinion, the problem with your specific situation is the numbers involved and the fact that you are not changing venues. Almost all the examples people used where it worked involved larger party with a smaller after party. This is a pretty small party to begin with and a 50/50 split with the after party.

I wouldn't do it. Also it is the start of the school year, could create awkwardness for the rest of the year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember all the bar and bat mitzvahs through the middle school. There are so many different levels of invitation there (service, after service, party, after party). Those, who are hurt for their "excluded" kids, how do you handle that? Some siblings are invited and some are not. It's not kindergarten.

I don't think this is a fair comparison. Also, why is "excluded" in quotes. Are they excluded or not? Personally, I would be grateful not to be invited to any religious service so you would be doing us a favor not to include us. I wouldn't be hurt at all. Relieved!

But thanks for playing!

This is not a fair comparison, but a wedding is a fair comparison

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is one of those threads that has revealed way more about people than was intended, it's quite fascinating. I thought it was a simple question but obviously it's not.

It seems that the many, many people who are taking the original question as an affront, describing my daughter as 'mean' and 'unkind', calling her a 'jerk' and a 'brat,' who think that she's inviting her wider circle friends out of 'pity' or because she wants to 'grab gifts' and 'throw them crumbs,' who think that she's not 'really friends' with them because they can't stay for the sleepover (out of space/logistical reasons, not out of any malice) have a definition of social relationships that I've never encountered in real life before. At first I thought they had a point, but as the attacks piled on, I realized that these posters simply have a world view that's very different from mine. DD and I don't view friendships as competitions and we don't think parties are battles for attention. My daughter and I consider friendships to be a natural, fun, part of life -- sometimes you make friends, sometimes you lose friends, you have close friends, you have not-so-close friends and you have acquaintances that you chat with occasionally on the street. When you have a party, you invite as many people as you can comfortably fit into your living room, and when you have a sleepover, you invite the number that will fit on sleeping bags on the floor. All the other assumptions of ill intent and expressions of envy are really misplaced in this debate. Anyway, we haven't made a decision yet on how we'll proceed. This thread has given me a lot of food for thought.

OP, here is your takeaway. You and your daughter's approach is generally fine, but there are people (as exhibited by this post) who will be insulted and hurt at being asked to come to the party but not the sleepover. If you want to make sure not to insult or hurt those people, have the sleepover on a different day. If you do not care that some people may be insulted and hurt, carry on with the sleepover on the same day. That's it. You do not have to agree with those people. But now you know they exist.

OP here. This is a very reasonable summary, thanks for breathing some perspective into this thread.

I think there was plenty of perspective on the thread before. Some people went a little over the top, but many people just pointed out that some girls are likely to have their feelings hurt. And I don't view my kid's birthday as an opportunity to teach *others kids* that life isn't fair, they won't be invited to everything, so they need to suck it up and grow a thick skin. It's not my job or her job to do that. I view it as an opportunity to teach *my* daughter about being a gracious host, about considering others' feelings, and about being kind. You don't have to invite everyone to everything. But the way that you handle it should be kind. Inviting people, and then sending half of them home part way through, seems to me to be meaningfully different from only inviting half the girls in the first place, and it seems unnecessarily unkind and likely to cause hurt feelings. So I would not let my daughter do that, and we would talk about why.

No one said OP would be teaching other kids that life isn't fair....I think the point was, you need to teach your kid that it's ok if they aren't included in everything and that that isn't unfair, it's just natural that some friends are closer than others. No unfairness or drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is one of those threads that has revealed way more about people than was intended, it's quite fascinating. I thought it was a simple question but obviously it's not.

It seems that the many, many people who are taking the original question as an affront, describing my daughter as 'mean' and 'unkind', calling her a 'jerk' and a 'brat,' who think that she's inviting her wider circle friends out of 'pity' or because she wants to 'grab gifts' and 'throw them crumbs,' who think that she's not 'really friends' with them because they can't stay for the sleepover (out of space/logistical reasons, not out of any malice) have a definition of social relationships that I've never encountered in real life before. At first I thought they had a point, but as the attacks piled on, I realized that these posters simply have a world view that's very different from mine. DD and I don't view friendships as competitions and we don't think parties are battles for attention. My daughter and I consider friendships to be a natural, fun, part of life -- sometimes you make friends, sometimes you lose friends, you have close friends, you have not-so-close friends and you have acquaintances that you chat with occasionally on the street. When you have a party, you invite as many people as you can comfortably fit into your living room, and when you have a sleepover, you invite the number that will fit on sleeping bags on the floor. All the other assumptions of ill intent and expressions of envy are really misplaced in this debate. Anyway, we haven't made a decision yet on how we'll proceed. This thread has given me a lot of food for thought.

OP, here is your takeaway. You and your daughter's approach is generally fine, but there are people (as exhibited by this post) who will be insulted and hurt at being asked to come to the party but not the sleepover. If you want to make sure not to insult or hurt those people, have the sleepover on a different day. If you do not care that some people may be insulted and hurt, carry on with the sleepover on the same day. That's it. You do not have to agree with those people. But now you know they exist.

OP here. This is a very reasonable summary, thanks for breathing some perspective into this thread.

I think there was plenty of perspective on the thread before. Some people went a little over the top, but many people just pointed out that some girls are likely to have their feelings hurt. And I don't view my kid's birthday as an opportunity to teach *others kids* that life isn't fair, they won't be invited to everything, so they need to suck it up and grow a thick skin. It's not my job or her job to do that. I view it as an opportunity to teach *my* daughter about being a gracious host, about considering others' feelings, and about being kind. You don't have to invite everyone to everything. But the way that you handle it should be kind. Inviting people, and then sending half of them home part way through, seems to me to be meaningfully different from only inviting half the girls in the first place, and it seems unnecessarily unkind and likely to cause hurt feelings. So I would not let my daughter do that, and we would talk about why.

Yes. The reasonable takeaway is that no, this is not okay.

A reasonable takeaway is that there are always going to be whiny crybabies and you don't need to pander to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is one of those threads that has revealed way more about people than was intended, it's quite fascinating. I thought it was a simple question but obviously it's not.

It seems that the many, many people who are taking the original question as an affront, describing my daughter as 'mean' and 'unkind', calling her a 'jerk' and a 'brat,' who think that she's inviting her wider circle friends out of 'pity' or because she wants to 'grab gifts' and 'throw them crumbs,' who think that she's not 'really friends' with them because they can't stay for the sleepover (out of space/logistical reasons, not out of any malice) have a definition of social relationships that I've never encountered in real life before. At first I thought they had a point, but as the attacks piled on, I realized that these posters simply have a world view that's very different from mine. DD and I don't view friendships as competitions and we don't think parties are battles for attention. My daughter and I consider friendships to be a natural, fun, part of life -- sometimes you make friends, sometimes you lose friends, you have close friends, you have not-so-close friends and you have acquaintances that you chat with occasionally on the street. When you have a party, you invite as many people as you can comfortably fit into your living room, and when you have a sleepover, you invite the number that will fit on sleeping bags on the floor. All the other assumptions of ill intent and expressions of envy are really misplaced in this debate. Anyway, we haven't made a decision yet on how we'll proceed. This thread has given me a lot of food for thought.

OP, here is your takeaway. You and your daughter's approach is generally fine, but there are people (as exhibited by this post) who will be insulted and hurt at being asked to come to the party but not the sleepover. If you want to make sure not to insult or hurt those people, have the sleepover on a different day. If you do not care that some people may be insulted and hurt, carry on with the sleepover on the same day. That's it. You do not have to agree with those people. But now you know they exist.

OP here. This is a very reasonable summary, thanks for breathing some perspective into this thread.

I think there was plenty of perspective on the thread before. Some people went a little over the top, but many people just pointed out that some girls are likely to have their feelings hurt. And I don't view my kid's birthday as an opportunity to teach *others kids* that life isn't fair, they won't be invited to everything, so they need to suck it up and grow a thick skin. It's not my job or her job to do that. I view it as an opportunity to teach *my* daughter about being a gracious host, about considering others' feelings, and about being kind. You don't have to invite everyone to everything. But the way that you handle it should be kind. Inviting people, and then sending half of them home part way through, seems to me to be meaningfully different from only inviting half the girls in the first place, and it seems unnecessarily unkind and likely to cause hurt feelings. So I would not let my daughter do that, and we would talk about why.

Well, here we're people disagree too: not being invited to a party at all vs not being asked to stay over after the party (not for half of the activity). Not everyone even likes sleepovers. For a small at home party I would have left to the kids to sort out the whole sleepover thing (and figure out how to stay within the parent's limit without drama).