women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?

[Anonymous]

It's not the signing up for camp and making doctor's appointments, it is the responsibility to remember that those type of things need to be done.

Not the OP, but I don't always want to be the one assigning those tasks, sometimes I would rather have them assigned to me. Besides work (FT), I have to juggle all that stuff in my head.

Sometimes I want to be the one who is told where and when to show up. Too much to ask, maybe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not the signing up for camp and making doctor's appointments, it is the responsibility to remember that those type of things need to be done.

Not the OP, but I don't always want to be the one assigning those tasks, sometimes I would rather have them assigned to me. Besides work (FT), I have to juggle all that stuff in my head.

Sometimes I want to be the one who is told where and when to show up. Too much to ask, maybe?

That isn't 'mental labor'. Unless you are seriously handicapped, as an adult you have to notice that things need to be done and do them. What you call "Mental Labor" appears to be what was formerly known as "Nagging". Your husband would likely appreciate it if you stopped the "Mental Labor" altogether. I expect that is why he doesn't tell you what to do and where to be, you know "do unto others ... "

[Anonymous]

Besides work (FT), I have to juggle all that stuff in my head.

Don’t do it! Let the laundry pile up. Leave it to your husband to make the camp arrangements, and if he doesn’t, he takes the kid to work. Stop being a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this crap can be eliminated. You’re doing this to yourself. Your kids don’t need to be in constant camps or enrolled in multiple activities at once. They don’t need birthday parties beyond a cake at home. Stop doing silly extraneous stuff, learn how to say no sometimes, and chill out.

Huh. So my child doesn't need chilcare in the summer! Imagine that. I guess we don't need to pay our mortgage, go to the dentist, clean the gutters, schedule the house cleaners, open a 529, rotate summer and winter clothes, attend school academic meetings, see family .... and as for the birthday party, who is going to at least send out invitations to the party and get the cake?

Okay, how many times are you going to the dentist and cleaning the gutters? Get a life, martyr lady. And when you’re on your weekly phone call with grandma, say hey, we are having cake for Snowflake next week. No invitations necessary, again, the martyr sh*t. You’re not helping your cause.

Do you have fairies doing all this for you? Are you 12 and your mom adults for you? If you have kids, they are either neglected or someone else is doing the work. I don’t want my kid to sit around and play video games all day. It’s not like the golden days when the neighborhood kids would play pickup baseball/basketball. I need him in sports or activities and in summer camps because we work. I guess I could sign him up for the first thing I see, but I still have to do emergency contact and medical forms, and figure out transportation. Things break, food runs out, bills need to be paid, practices need to go onto the calendar. Cars need registrations and inspections. Everyone needs dentist appointments and physicals. Kids need school supplies, permission slips, homework signed. The more children you have, the more work it is.

There is not a day that something doesn't have to be managed and it's just life, not martyrdom. It is extra work. There's a reason the boss at work makes more money; he has to take care of the paperwork and details I don't want to. In a marriage or partnership, it's not fair to make one person unilaterally responsible unless they volunteer to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not the signing up for camp and making doctor's appointments, it is the responsibility to remember that those type of things need to be done.

Not the OP, but I don't always want to be the one assigning those tasks, sometimes I would rather have them assigned to me. Besides work (FT), I have to juggle all that stuff in my head.

Sometimes I want to be the one who is told where and when to show up. Too much to ask, maybe?

That isn't 'mental labor'. Unless you are seriously handicapped, as an adult you have to notice that things need to be done and do them. What you call "Mental Labor" appears to be what was formerly known as "Nagging". Your husband would likely appreciate it if you stopped the "Mental Labor" altogether. I expect that is why he doesn't tell you what to do and where to be, you know "do unto others ... "

Fine, it is so easy? Then let him do it. But it doesn't happen. I'm guessing you are a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not the signing up for camp and making doctor's appointments, it is the responsibility to remember that those type of things need to be done.

Not the OP, but I don't always want to be the one assigning those tasks, sometimes I would rather have them assigned to me. Besides work (FT), I have to juggle all that stuff in my head.

Sometimes I want to be the one who is told where and when to show up. Too much to ask, maybe?

That isn't 'mental labor'. Unless you are seriously handicapped, as an adult you have to notice that things need to be done and do them. What you call "Mental Labor" appears to be what was formerly known as "Nagging". Your husband would likely appreciate it if you stopped the "Mental Labor" altogether. I expect that is why he doesn't tell you what to do and where to be, you know "do unto others ... "

Bullsh*t. If it's so easy, why doesn't my DH just do it? What do you think we mean by "mental labor"? It means PLANNING and EXECUTING tasks. This takes work -- in fact, people are actually paid for this kind of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not the signing up for camp and making doctor's appointments, it is the responsibility to remember that those type of things need to be done.

Not the OP, but I don't always want to be the one assigning those tasks, sometimes I would rather have them assigned to me. Besides work (FT), I have to juggle all that stuff in my head.

Sometimes I want to be the one who is told where and when to show up. Too much to ask, maybe?

That isn't 'mental labor'. Unless you are seriously handicapped, as an adult you have to notice that things need to be done and do them. What you call "Mental Labor" appears to be what was formerly known as "Nagging". Your husband would likely appreciate it if you stopped the "Mental Labor" altogether. I expect that is why he doesn't tell you what to do and where to be, you know "do unto others ... "

Fine, it is so easy? Then let him do it. But it doesn't happen. I'm guessing you are a SAHM.

If you let him do it, what he thinks needs to be done, will be done by him and you will not have to 'mentally labor' over it. You are then free to notice other stuff that needs to be done, and do it. Why would you think that I was a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not the signing up for camp and making doctor's appointments, it is the responsibility to remember that those type of things need to be done.

Not the OP, but I don't always want to be the one assigning those tasks, sometimes I would rather have them assigned to me. Besides work (FT), I have to juggle all that stuff in my head.

Sometimes I want to be the one who is told where and when to show up. Too much to ask, maybe?

That isn't 'mental labor'. Unless you are seriously handicapped, as an adult you have to notice that things need to be done and do them. What you call "Mental Labor" appears to be what was formerly known as "Nagging". Your husband would likely appreciate it if you stopped the "Mental Labor" altogether. I expect that is why he doesn't tell you what to do and where to be, you know "do unto others ... "

Fine, it is so easy? Then let him do it. But it doesn't happen. I'm guessing you are a SAHM.

If you let him do it, what he thinks needs to be done, will be done by him and you will not have to 'mentally labor' over it. You are then free to notice other stuff that needs to be done, and do it. Why would you think that I was a SAHM?

Dude. It does NOT work that way with these guys. I have waited literally SIX YEARS for my DH to open a 529 for our son, and he has not done so. It's getting to late to wait, so I have to do it. I'm about to do our car registration (last day) because despite leaving it out for him on the table for TWO WEEKS he did nothing. I could go on and on with the millions of examples of dropped balls. Only when it's something that truly has no consequences for our child or our finances do I leave it up to him. Managing emergencies caused by him is MORE WORK for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not the signing up for camp and making doctor's appointments, it is the responsibility to remember that those type of things need to be done.

Not the OP, but I don't always want to be the one assigning those tasks, sometimes I would rather have them assigned to me. Besides work (FT), I have to juggle all that stuff in my head.

Sometimes I want to be the one who is told where and when to show up. Too much to ask, maybe?

That isn't 'mental labor'. Unless you are seriously handicapped, as an adult you have to notice that things need to be done and do them. What you call "Mental Labor" appears to be what was formerly known as "Nagging". Your husband would likely appreciate it if you stopped the "Mental Labor" altogether. I expect that is why he doesn't tell you what to do and where to be, you know "do unto others ... "

Fine, it is so easy? Then let him do it. But it doesn't happen. I'm guessing you are a SAHM.

If you let him do it, what he thinks needs to be done, will be done by him and you will not have to 'mentally labor' over it. You are then free to notice other stuff that needs to be done, and do it. Why would you think that I was a SAHM?

Dude. It does NOT work that way with these guys. I have waited literally SIX YEARS for my DH to open a 529 for our son, and he has not done so. It's getting to late to wait, so I have to do it. I'm about to do our car registration (last day) because despite leaving it out for him on the table for TWO WEEKS he did nothing. I could go on and on with the millions of examples of dropped balls. Only when it's something that truly has no consequences for our child or our finances do I leave it up to him. Managing emergencies caused by him is MORE WORK for me.

Guessing the 529 is more important to you than it is to him, so you do it. One time thing to set it up anyway. If he doesn't renew the tags, he can't drive the car, so it will become important to him and he'll pay the $ 20 or so late fee on top of the renewal. Unless it is your car, then he won't care and you should just do it.
None of that is anything more than you creating extra problems for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why it doesn't work.. DW sees trash can is full and asks husband to take out the trash so DH takes out the trash. But DW is really still annoyed at DH because she's doesn't understand why DH doesn't enjoy doing so. I said this to my DW once and she confirmed, "yes, I want you to take out the trash because you WANT to take out the trash"... so it's not enough that you physically take out the trash gentlemen, you have to want to do it!

And she pretty much views having sex with him as "taking out the trash" - a disagreeable task that she only does because he asks, and she can't understand why he wants her to want to do it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A ton of mental work can be done on-line. Registering for camp, making doctors appointments, paying bills, sending out invitations etc. etc. Many years ago all of this had to be done over the phone or in writing often during working hours. Now we can do it when we want to. Ask your mothers and fathers what they use to have to do before the internet. We don't even need to leave our houses to do most of our shopping. Yesterday evening it took me ten minutes to research and then order on line large storage units for our garage that will be delivered to our house with free shipping. 25 years ago my Dad would have had to spend a whole Saturday visiting stores to find the right deal and given the size would have really struggled to get it home. So quit bitching!

No. The arrangements can be made online. The mental work involved - figuring out what camps will work and what weeks you need them, and whether those weeks will conflict with vacation or be insufficient, and whether the camp will provide reasonably good care - cannot be done online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why it doesn't work.. DW sees trash can is full and asks husband to take out the trash so DH takes out the trash. But DW is really still annoyed at DH because she's doesn't understand why DH doesn't enjoy doing so. I said this to my DW once and she confirmed, "yes, I want you to take out the trash because you WANT to take out the trash"... so it's not enough that you physically take out the trash gentlemen, you have to want to do it!

And she pretty much views having sex with him as "taking out the trash" - a disagreeable task that she only does because he asks, and she can't understand why he wants her to want to do it...

If he was any good at it, she would want to 'take out the trash' with him every day. Also, who has a huge pile of unused vagina laying around cluttering up the kitchen? I don't think this analogy is working for me ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A ton of mental work can be done on-line. Registering for camp, making doctors appointments, paying bills, sending out invitations etc. etc. Many years ago all of this had to be done over the phone or in writing often during working hours. Now we can do it when we want to. Ask your mothers and fathers what they use to have to do before the internet. We don't even need to leave our houses to do most of our shopping. Yesterday evening it took me ten minutes to research and then order on line large storage units for our garage that will be delivered to our house with free shipping. 25 years ago my Dad would have had to spend a whole Saturday visiting stores to find the right deal and given the size would have really struggled to get it home. So quit bitching!

No. The arrangements can be made online. The mental work involved - figuring out what camps will work and what weeks you need them, and whether those weeks will conflict with vacation or be insufficient, and whether the camp will provide reasonably good care - cannot be done online.

The dramatics here are soooooo stupid and played out. The mental labor of seeing if a camp conflicts with vacation! WTFFFFF??? Okay, your vacation is booked for 7/21. Camp is 8/8. THAT ISN’T LABORIOUS! Cheezus Christ!

[Anonymous]

I'm a man. What I do includes scheduling and paying for: doctor appointments, birthday parties, extracurricular sports and music, summer camps, car insurance and taxes, Federal & State taxes, before- and after-care, 529s (I set them up and they are mostly automated but in December I usually make an "extra" contribution). I do my own laundry and the kids laundry. I cook dinner for the kids after I pick them up in the evening.

When we have needed to do some home improvements, I interview contractors, decide which to use, arrange it, pay for it.

I frankly don't regard all this as a huge burden of invisible / mental labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a man. What I do includes scheduling and paying for: doctor appointments, birthday parties, extracurricular sports and music, summer camps, car insurance and taxes, Federal & State taxes, before- and after-care, 529s (I set them up and they are mostly automated but in December I usually make an "extra" contribution). I do my own laundry and the kids laundry. I cook dinner for the kids after I pick them up in the evening.

When we have needed to do some home improvements, I interview contractors, decide which to use, arrange it, pay for it.

I frankly don't regard all this as a huge burden of invisible / mental labor.

Me either. The whole idea seems rather condescending, like women need a pat on the head and an attagirl for some how managing. No thanks.