women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?

[Anonymous]

I have the flexible job. I sit in front of a computer with access to a phone all day. Ex DH works in an environment where he doesn’t have access to easy communication. I can sit on hold for an hour trying to navigate health insurance while he cannot. It makes logistical sense for me to do all of the kids coordination.

This morning though he came over and did demolition and prep carpentry in anticipation of an HVAC installation. I could not create the HD list that he needed this morning nor could I have done what he did—carpentry, electricity, duct work.

We each have areas that we are stronger in. For the good of the family, we’ve always done what make the most practical sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not the signing up for camp and making doctor's appointments, it is the responsibility to remember that those type of things need to be done.

Not the OP, but I don't always want to be the one assigning those tasks, sometimes I would rather have them assigned to me. Besides work (FT), I have to juggle all that stuff in my head.

Sometimes I want to be the one who is told where and when to show up. Too much to ask, maybe?

That isn't 'mental labor'. Unless you are seriously handicapped, as an adult you have to notice that things need to be done and do them. What you call "Mental Labor" appears to be what was formerly known as "Nagging". Your husband would likely appreciate it if you stopped the "Mental Labor" altogether. I expect that is why he doesn't tell you what to do and where to be, you know "do unto others ... "

Fine, it is so easy? Then let him do it. But it doesn't happen. I'm guessing you are a SAHM.

If you let him do it, what he thinks needs to be done, will be done by him and you will not have to 'mentally labor' over it. You are then free to notice other stuff that needs to be done, and do it. Why would you think that I was a SAHM?

You mean it wouldn't get done. This is why I'm the one who carries the health insurance and the dental insurance. This is why I'm the only one with an FSA and DCFSA enrollment. This is why I had to go term life insurance shopping after DH didn't up his FEGLI enrollment. I'm fine with having things that aren't important drop, but our financial stability and our family's health is important.

We have a freaking hole in our half bath ceiling where we had to go in to clean out a bird's nest. It's been there for more than 6 months. How much longer should I wait for him to think it's important enough to get a handyman out to fix it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not the signing up for camp and making doctor's appointments, it is the responsibility to remember that those type of things need to be done.

Not the OP, but I don't always want to be the one assigning those tasks, sometimes I would rather have them assigned to me. Besides work (FT), I have to juggle all that stuff in my head.

Sometimes I want to be the one who is told where and when to show up. Too much to ask, maybe?

That isn't 'mental labor'. Unless you are seriously handicapped, as an adult you have to notice that things need to be done and do them. What you call "Mental Labor" appears to be what was formerly known as "Nagging". Your husband would likely appreciate it if you stopped the "Mental Labor" altogether. I expect that is why he doesn't tell you what to do and where to be, you know "do unto others ... "

Fine, it is so easy? Then let him do it. But it doesn't happen. I'm guessing you are a SAHM.

If you let him do it, what he thinks needs to be done, will be done by him and you will not have to 'mentally labor' over it. You are then free to notice other stuff that needs to be done, and do it. Why would you think that I was a SAHM?

Dude. It does NOT work that way with these guys. I have waited literally SIX YEARS for my DH to open a 529 for our son, and he has not done so. It's getting to late to wait, so I have to do it. I'm about to do our car registration (last day) because despite leaving it out for him on the table for TWO WEEKS he did nothing. I could go on and on with the millions of examples of dropped balls. Only when it's something that truly has no consequences for our child or our finances do I leave it up to him. Managing emergencies caused by him is MORE WORK for me.

Guessing the 529 is more important to you than it is to him, so you do it. One time thing to set it up anyway. If he doesn't renew the tags, he can't drive the car, so it will become important to him and he'll pay the $ 20 or so late fee on top of the renewal. Unless it is your car, then he won't care and you should just do it.
None of that is anything more than you creating extra problems for yourself.

You seriously think our child not having money for college, and driving on expired tags, is an option? No, it is not. (And, the car is registered under my name, although my DH drives it exclusively.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not the signing up for camp and making doctor's appointments, it is the responsibility to remember that those type of things need to be done.

Not the OP, but I don't always want to be the one assigning those tasks, sometimes I would rather have them assigned to me. Besides work (FT), I have to juggle all that stuff in my head.

Sometimes I want to be the one who is told where and when to show up. Too much to ask, maybe?

That isn't 'mental labor'. Unless you are seriously handicapped, as an adult you have to notice that things need to be done and do them. What you call "Mental Labor" appears to be what was formerly known as "Nagging". Your husband would likely appreciate it if you stopped the "Mental Labor" altogether. I expect that is why he doesn't tell you what to do and where to be, you know "do unto others ... "

Fine, it is so easy? Then let him do it. But it doesn't happen. I'm guessing you are a SAHM.

If you let him do it, what he thinks needs to be done, will be done by him and you will not have to 'mentally labor' over it. You are then free to notice other stuff that needs to be done, and do it. Why would you think that I was a SAHM?

You mean it wouldn't get done. This is why I'm the one who carries the health insurance and the dental insurance. This is why I'm the only one with an FSA and DCFSA enrollment. This is why I had to go term life insurance shopping after DH didn't up his FEGLI enrollment. I'm fine with having things that aren't important drop, but our financial stability and our family's health is important.

We have a freaking hole in our half bath ceiling where we had to go in to clean out a bird's nest. It's been there for more than 6 months. How much longer should I wait for him to think it's important enough to get a handyman out to fix it?

Lol. You're just being a martyr, silly woman! Who cares if there's a bird nest in your bathroom or a hole in the ceiling. Entirely optional work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not the signing up for camp and making doctor's appointments, it is the responsibility to remember that those type of things need to be done.

Not the OP, but I don't always want to be the one assigning those tasks, sometimes I would rather have them assigned to me. Besides work (FT), I have to juggle all that stuff in my head.

Sometimes I want to be the one who is told where and when to show up. Too much to ask, maybe?

That isn't 'mental labor'. Unless you are seriously handicapped, as an adult you have to notice that things need to be done and do them. What you call "Mental Labor" appears to be what was formerly known as "Nagging". Your husband would likely appreciate it if you stopped the "Mental Labor" altogether. I expect that is why he doesn't tell you what to do and where to be, you know "do unto others ... "

Fine, it is so easy? Then let him do it. But it doesn't happen. I'm guessing you are a SAHM.

If you let him do it, what he thinks needs to be done, will be done by him and you will not have to 'mentally labor' over it. You are then free to notice other stuff that needs to be done, and do it. Why would you think that I was a SAHM?

Dude. It does NOT work that way with these guys. I have waited literally SIX YEARS for my DH to open a 529 for our son, and he has not done so. It's getting to late to wait, so I have to do it. I'm about to do our car registration (last day) because despite leaving it out for him on the table for TWO WEEKS he did nothing. I could go on and on with the millions of examples of dropped balls. Only when it's something that truly has no consequences for our child or our finances do I leave it up to him. Managing emergencies caused by him is MORE WORK for me.

Guessing the 529 is more important to you than it is to him, so you do it. One time thing to set it up anyway. If he doesn't renew the tags, he can't drive the car, so it will become important to him and he'll pay the $ 20 or so late fee on top of the renewal. Unless it is your car, then he won't care and you should just do it.
None of that is anything more than you creating extra problems for yourself.

You seriously think our child not having money for college, and driving on expired tags, is an option? No, it is not. (And, the car is registered under my name, although my DH drives it exclusively.)

Also, by your method, it just means that EVERYTHING is more important to me than it is to him. So we're back to where we started. It's not really a tenable position to say that all household, financial, and educaitonal tasks are just a matter of "who cares the most."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, but then again he does all the handyman work around the house, lawn work including mulching and weeding and planting, cleans the grill, gets up on a ladder to change lightbulbs, organizes the garage, takes my car in for oil changes and routine service, swaps out the air filters on our AC unit, kills bugs when I ask (!), interviews hires contractors for renovations projects, fixes our tv/internet/fios when it goes out of whack.

I'm ok with traditional distribution of labor. Every marriage is different but this works for us. Marriage to me is about contributing in different ways and respecting each other.

My DH is the same way. Today he took both cars to the shop. Had tires balanced and rotated on one and new tires put on the other. He then had both cars detailed. When I need a new car he does all the research and goes through the awful task of haggling at the dealership. Our yard is immaculate, because of him. Additionally he is very involved in all of our kids sports. Signs them up, makes sure they have the right gear, us always coaching, and shuttles them all over timbuktu. That takes a ton of "mental work" LOLOLOLOL as you all call it.

Sorry ladies, doing basic life things like grocery shopping, doctors appointments, and signing kids up for camps is not hard. I'm not sure what many of you would do if you actually had to do something mentally hard. Maybe you would need to pop more xanax.

[Anonymous]

I gave up; long, long marriage but he would not do any planning or maintenance on the house/cars. I turned into his mother - did the chores, the finances, etc. Live by myself now, though we’re still married - got fed up with spending my time making his life better without any return effort on his part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, but then again he does all the handyman work around the house, lawn work including mulching and weeding and planting, cleans the grill, gets up on a ladder to change lightbulbs, organizes the garage, takes my car in for oil changes and routine service, swaps out the air filters on our AC unit, kills bugs when I ask (!), interviews hires contractors for renovations projects, fixes our tv/internet/fios when it goes out of whack.

I'm ok with traditional distribution of labor. Every marriage is different but this works for us. Marriage to me is about contributing in different ways and respecting each other.

My DH is the same way. Today he took both cars to the shop. Had tires balanced and rotated on one and new tires put on the other. He then had both cars detailed. When I need a new car he does all the research and goes through the awful task of haggling at the dealership. Our yard is immaculate, because of him. Additionally he is very involved in all of our kids sports. Signs them up, makes sure they have the right gear, us always coaching, and shuttles them all over timbuktu. That takes a ton of "mental work" LOLOLOLOL as you all call it.

Sorry ladies, doing basic life things like grocery shopping, doctors appointments, and signing kids up for camps is not hard. I'm not sure what many of you would do if you actually had to do something mentally hard. Maybe you would need to pop more xanax.

Umm ... you just detailed all the work your DH does. Sounds like you got a good one. Grocery shopping, doctors appointments, and camp sign-ups are not hard, individually. What is hard is doing ALL of that, PLUS coordinating the handyman, doing the gardening, swapping the air filters ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband has severe ADHD which he refuses to medicate.

He can't even find his keys in the morning.

Yes, I do all the mental work. I'd be happy to do so if only he could hold down a job.

He was like this when you married him so why did you marry him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this crap can be eliminated. You’re doing this to yourself. Your kids don’t need to be in constant camps or enrolled in multiple activities at once. They don’t need birthday parties beyond a cake at home. Stop doing silly extraneous stuff, learn how to say no sometimes, and chill out.

Huh. So my child doesn't need chilcare in the summer! Imagine that. I guess we don't need to pay our mortgage, go to the dentist, clean the gutters, schedule the house cleaners, open a 529, rotate summer and winter clothes, attend school academic meetings, see family .... and as for the birthday party, who is going to at least send out invitations to the party and get the cake?

-You find it hard to schedule childcare? Are you s new mom?

-Mortgage is on automatic payment-try it, it involves no thinking

-Dentist is 2xs a year. You can schedule your next appointment at your last. 5min of effort. Done

-Gutter cleaning? You do this yourself? Weird and dangerous.

-Why are you scheduling house cleaners? Get with a service that will come to your house the same time each week. Done. YOU ARE CAUSING MORE WORK FOR YOURSELF ON THIS ONE.

-Opening a 529? That's a one time thing per child. Not a daily task. You are stressed about something you did in the past one time? Move on. Dont marinate on a task you did once.

-Rotate clothes, How much garbage do your kids have? This is a struggle? Get yourself a box, put winterr clothes in it and close it. Done.

-How many meeting a month does your kid need? You do have problems in that area. Seek more help for that.

-Evite, google it.

If you handle these very basic tasks that even a teenager can do, assign them to your husband. What I think is actually going on here is you are a dream queen and martyr and you just want to whine about the grrst burdensome struggle of oral hygiene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you ask for help with a specific task with out all the psychobabble?
“Will you please find a pediatrician and schedule the kids next appt?” Or, “the kids have paperwork for school, could you handle that?

He does things like sign the child up for two camps on the same day so we pay double, forgets to put my name and number down on the camp forms (he never checks messages and rarely answers, so I have to be the contact), doesn't know he has to give the name of the babysitter who will pick kid up from camp ... doesn't even know the last name of our sitter/nanny, who has been with us for almost THREE years!

Then he has ADHD. Is he that incompetent in his job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, but then again he does all the handyman work around the house, lawn work including mulching and weeding and planting, cleans the grill, gets up on a ladder to change lightbulbs, organizes the garage, takes my car in for oil changes and routine service, swaps out the air filters on our AC unit, kills bugs when I ask (!), interviews hires contractors for renovations projects, fixes our tv/internet/fios when it goes out of whack.

I'm ok with traditional distribution of labor. Every marriage is different but this works for us. Marriage to me is about contributing in different ways and respecting each other.

My DH is the same way. Today he took both cars to the shop. Had tires balanced and rotated on one and new tires put on the other. He then had both cars detailed. When I need a new car he does all the research and goes through the awful task of haggling at the dealership. Our yard is immaculate, because of him. Additionally he is very involved in all of our kids sports. Signs them up, makes sure they have the right gear, us always coaching, and shuttles them all over timbuktu. That takes a ton of "mental work" LOLOLOLOL as you all call it.

Sorry ladies, doing basic life things like grocery shopping, doctors appointments, and signing kids up for camps is not hard. I'm not sure what many of you would do if you actually had to do something mentally hard. Maybe you would need to pop more xanax.

Umm ... you just detailed all the work your DH does. Sounds like you got a good one. Grocery shopping, doctors appointments, and camp sign-ups are not hard, individually. What is hard is doing ALL of that, PLUS coordinating the handyman, doing the gardening, swapping the air filters ...

Then why did you marry someone who cant chew gum and walk? I've seriously never seen a woman now thr lawn in my neighborhood.

I didn't get a good one. I married a normal human being. You just are an enabler and prefer to whine over asking for help because you and your ilk love to whine.

[Anonymous]

Original calendar Pp. Couldn't find the post to quote..sorry!

DH puts recurring reminders on the calendar, so things like fire alarms , cleaning filters, ordering things, etc are on the calendar months in advance. He then adds stuff as needed but usually waits until we sit down to divide the tasks.

I am not that organized so basically when I think of something, I add it.

I'll add two other things that make our system.work.

1. We do what we are supposed to do.

2. If we think of something and we can do it when we remember or are reminded, we do it and don't "save it". For instance we got a reminder to our family email that ds' asthma meds needed to be refilled. So DH took care of it when he saw the email. Next week , when we sit down to divide the task, he won't bring that up in order to get out of something else. It all evens out in the end, at least in our house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this crap can be eliminated. You’re doing this to yourself. Your kids don’t need to be in constant camps or enrolled in multiple activities at once. They don’t need birthday parties beyond a cake at home. Stop doing silly extraneous stuff, learn how to say no sometimes, and chill out.

Huh. So my child doesn't need chilcare in the summer! Imagine that. I guess we don't need to pay our mortgage, go to the dentist, clean the gutters, schedule the house cleaners, open a 529, rotate summer and winter clothes, attend school academic meetings, see family .... and as for the birthday party, who is going to at least send out invitations to the party and get the cake?

-You find it hard to schedule childcare? Are you s new mom?

-Mortgage is on automatic payment-try it, it involves no thinking

-Dentist is 2xs a year. You can schedule your next appointment at your last. 5min of effort. Done

-Gutter cleaning? You do this yourself? Weird and dangerous.

-Why are you scheduling house cleaners? Get with a service that will come to your house the same time each week. Done. YOU ARE CAUSING MORE WORK FOR YOURSELF ON THIS ONE.

-Opening a 529? That's a one time thing per child. Not a daily task. You are stressed about something you did in the past one time? Move on. Dont marinate on a task you did once.

-Rotate clothes, How much garbage do your kids have? This is a struggle? Get yourself a box, put winterr clothes in it and close it. Done.

-How many meeting a month does your kid need? You do have problems in that area. Seek more help for that.

-Evite, google it.

If you handle these very basic tasks that even a teenager can do, assign them to your husband. What I think is actually going on here is you are a dream queen and martyr and you just want to whine about the grrst burdensome struggle of oral hygiene.

<3. I love you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Nope. We were actually amazing at dividing up the actual physical work. He did yard work, laundry, groceries, split daycare pick-up and drop-off.... I did cooking, shopping, gardening, etc. no issues there ever.

I developed pretty severe hypothyroidism and it took about 6-7 months to figure it out from when the worst of the symptoms started. Like crippling exhaustion, no energy, etc. during that time, we went through birthdays and the holidays. I did what I could, but a lot of it was that "mental burden" of planning, making things special, etc.

Once I got back on my feet again, he pretty much told me that he felt like I had abandoned him, didn't appreciate him, and could NEVER understand how hard it was for him.


I hope he learned a valuable lesson. Does he recognize the irony of saying those words to you (assuming you felt that way toward him prior to your illness)?
[Report Post]

Nope. We actually never recovered from it. He had deep rooted abandonment issues from his childhood, and he literally shut down emotionally. Through marriage counseling we got to the root of the issues (my illness made him feel abandoned) so as a defense mechanism he shut me out emotionally. He ended up having an emotional affair with an intern 15 years his junior at his office. It was one sided, so maybe the better term is crush. Like he was desperate to grab on to any female willing to listen to him.

Anyway.... we divorced. Not because I asked him to do chores, because the first real stressful test of our marriage (my illness), he failed.