women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are being real a-holes on this thread. You’re all so cool mocking the examples people are sharing. I get it, it’s mentally tiring. No one task is hard. Not at all, but having to think of it all and deal with it can add up.

This is a common trait of men. Before they had any involvement in child raising they said the same thing. Now most men with families have been left home with a baby or toddler and they get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are being real a-holes on this thread. You’re all so cool mocking the examples people are sharing. I get it, it’s mentally tiring. No one task is hard. Not at all, but having to think of it all and deal with it can add up.

People sharing clearly add up everything they do (I had to wipe my ass today) and discount everything their partner does. Couldn’t be more obvious.

[Anonymous]

To all the ladies on this thread dealing with the same thing, I say: get a great nanny. My DH is useless, and unfortunately I didn’t realize that until I was pregnant with our twins. Prior to that, we both worked, I managed cooking and most of the little details of life like shoooing, calendaring, etc. And he managed car repair and lawn maintenance and we outsourced cleaning. Then when I was pregnant (with twins!) and slowing down and needed him to pick up slack, his response to being asked to take over entire tasks such as handling dinner resulted in takeout. Only. Ever. He CAN cook and he in fact cooked for me often during our courtship and newlywed period, but he somehow decided he was done. Since I was not working and on bed rest, I tried to explain that we couldn’t financially afford to spend $40 a night on takeout. He then complained that I was being impossible and should just do it myself.

Similar things over and over at every step of the way. I will probably divorce him at some point but it is so hard on kids and he is such an absentee dad that if they weren’t in the same house they would probably never see him at all.

For the first year, I had a nice, experienced, grandmotherly type of nanny who did childcare and nothing else. It was helpful but still exhausting mentally to manage every single thing.

At one year, we switched to a nanny in her twenties who billed herself as a “full-service” nanny. She manages everything for the kids. She makes all their meals, does all their laundry, organizes their stuff, and buys whatever they need. She goes grocery shopping weekly and gets everything the kids need and anything I add. She also does a monthly Target run and she orders everything else from Amazon. She keeps track of their clothing and shoe sizes and orders what they need each season. She manages homework assignments and gets anything they need for projects. She organizes sports and activities and playdates. She currates their toys and books and culls things they are outgrowing and keeps a list of gift ideas for birthdays and holidays and orders educational books and activities and supplies as needed. She clips their fingernails and takes them to get hair cuts and schedules dentist visits and flu shots.

When I arrive home on a weeknight, homework is done and left out for my review. Sports stuff is put away. Their chores are done and they are bathed and in pjs. A nice family meal is on the table and we all sit down and eat together and talk, then we read books and get them ready for bed in a leisurely manner.

On weekends, I just have to consult our online calendar to see where the kids need to be. If they have a big school project to work on, there is a box with the assignment printout and all the supplies sitting on my counter. If they have a sports practice, their uniform is clean and packed with their gear and healthy snacks for the whole team are in the fridge. If they have a birthday party, party clothes are laid out and a thoughtful gift and homemade card are waiting for me on the counter. When I open the fridge, there are two dinners ready to go in the oven. When I open the kids’ medicine cabinet, all of their toiletries are topped up and ready to use. When I open their closets, their clothes are clean and put away. I don’t have to prep for parenting; I just parent and it is the best money I have ever spent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are being real a-holes on this thread. You’re all so cool mocking the examples people are sharing. I get it, it’s mentally tiring. No one task is hard. Not at all, but having to think of it all and deal with it can add up.

People sharing clearly add up everything they do (I had to wipe my ass today) and discount everything their partner does. Couldn’t be more obvious.

Did you know that actual research demonstrate men do less domestic labour?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are being real a-holes on this thread. You’re all so cool mocking the examples people are sharing. I get it, it’s mentally tiring. No one task is hard. Not at all, but having to think of it all and deal with it can add up.

People sharing clearly add up everything they do (I had to wipe my ass today) and discount everything their partner does. Couldn’t be more obvious.

Did you know that actual research demonstrate men do less domestic labour?

Actuall research lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are being real a-holes on this thread. You’re all so cool mocking the examples people are sharing. I get it, it’s mentally tiring. No one task is hard. Not at all, but having to think of it all and deal with it can add up.

People sharing clearly add up everything they do (I had to wipe my ass today) and discount everything their partner does. Couldn’t be more obvious.

Did you know that actual research demonstrate men do less domestic labour?

Pfffffft.

My perspective on that -- women ignore or discount anything men do.

My wife thinks I am a selfish pig who only does stuff for myself. She shows no awareness of, or appreciation for, the fact that I schedule (and take kids to) pediatric visits, sport practices and games, music class, birthday parties; pick up kids every day from day care; schedule summer camps well ahead of time; schedule and pay for before/after-care; pay the mortgage; pay the auto insurance and taxes; do our annual taxes; cook dinner for the kids every day; do my own laundry and the kids laundry.

I believe that if I called all this to her attention, she'd acknowledge it and then quickly go back to her basic attitude that I am a lazy selfish pig.

I also think that if I divorced her, there would be a whole lot of stuff that simply didn't get done, because I wasn't there to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are being real a-holes on this thread. You’re all so cool mocking the examples people are sharing. I get it, it’s mentally tiring. No one task is hard. Not at all, but having to think of it all and deal with it can add up.

People sharing clearly add up everything they do (I had to wipe my ass today) and discount everything their partner does. Couldn’t be more obvious.

Did you know that actual research demonstrate men do less domestic labour?

Pfffffft.

My perspective on that -- women ignore or discount anything men do.

My wife thinks I am a selfish pig who only does stuff for myself. She shows no awareness of, or appreciation for, the fact that I schedule (and take kids to) pediatric visits, sport practices and games, music class, birthday parties; pick up kids every day from day care; schedule summer camps well ahead of time; schedule and pay for before/after-care; pay the mortgage; pay the auto insurance and taxes; do our annual taxes; cook dinner for the kids every day; do my own laundry and the kids laundry.

I believe that if I called all this to her attention, she'd acknowledge it and then quickly go back to her basic attitude that I am a lazy selfish pig.

I also think that if I divorced her, there would be a whole lot of stuff that simply didn't get done, because I wasn't there to do it.

Obviously your an anomaly. We aren’t talking about men like you. I unfortunately don’t believe you actually do all of these things though. Very very few men are responsible for scheduling things. They often forget or do something wrong and the consequences are too great (ex not having childcare).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife complains about this.

Not worth bringing up how I pay the mortgage, pay the nanny, buy all groceries, cook most meals, do all the yard work, keep cars maintained, handle the dishes daily, handle trash daily, maintain appliances as necessary, handle annual inspections of AC, heat, etc, manage taxes.

The things I do aren’t that big a deal and just part of being an adult. Same with booking summer camp or buying the kids spring clothes..

My husband is like this PP. He does a lot of the planning and responsibility work for many household tasks: scheduling kids doctor appointments, monitors kids' schoolwork more closely than I do, 2/3 of the laundry, including noticing and deciding to do it; late night grocery runs; bill paying.

I'm sorry I don't really have advice for OP; my husband has just stepped up to do this stuff. He sees it as part of his job as parent. I know that I am lucky compared to many women I know. ( I rarely even talk about this with friends, lest it sound like bragging.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are being real a-holes on this thread. You’re all so cool mocking the examples people are sharing. I get it, it’s mentally tiring. No one task is hard. Not at all, but having to think of it all and deal with it can add up.

People sharing clearly add up everything they do (I had to wipe my ass today) and discount everything their partner does. Couldn’t be more obvious.

Did you know that actual research demonstrate men do less domestic labour?

Pfffffft.

My perspective on that -- women ignore or discount anything men do.

My wife thinks I am a selfish pig who only does stuff for myself. She shows no awareness of, or appreciation for, the fact that I schedule (and take kids to) pediatric visits, sport practices and games, music class, birthday parties; pick up kids every day from day care; schedule summer camps well ahead of time; schedule and pay for before/after-care; pay the mortgage; pay the auto insurance and taxes; do our annual taxes; cook dinner for the kids every day; do my own laundry and the kids laundry.

I believe that if I called all this to her attention, she'd acknowledge it and then quickly go back to her basic attitude that I am a lazy selfish pig.

I also think that if I divorced her, there would be a whole lot of stuff that simply didn't get done, because I wasn't there to do it.

Obviously your an anomaly. We aren’t talking about men like you. I unfortunately don’t believe you actually do all of these things though. Very very few men are responsible for scheduling things. They often forget or do something wrong and the consequences are too great (ex not having childcare).

I think this is the norm. My wife loves to talk about reorganizing the closets or some other make-work task, which is mostly an excuse to watch TV on her iPad while I handle everything for the kids.

It's natural to assume what one does is super difficult and to discount a partner's labor.

[Anonymous]

If my husband weren't high income I would divorce him. He can't be trusted with any tasks. He did school drop off 4 times all year and 0/4 times did he successfully get backpacks into the school building. Each time the school called me to let me know there weren't lunches.

But we use his $400k/yr and my $300k/yr to hire out EVERYTHING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are being real a-holes on this thread. You’re all so cool mocking the examples people are sharing. I get it, it’s mentally tiring. No one task is hard. Not at all, but having to think of it all and deal with it can add up.

People sharing clearly add up everything they do (I had to wipe my ass today) and discount everything their partner does. Couldn’t be more obvious.

Did you know that actual research demonstrate men do less domestic labour?

Pfffffft.

My perspective on that -- women ignore or discount anything men do.

My wife thinks I am a selfish pig who only does stuff for myself. She shows no awareness of, or appreciation for, the fact that I schedule (and take kids to) pediatric visits, sport practices and games, music class, birthday parties; pick up kids every day from day care; schedule summer camps well ahead of time; schedule and pay for before/after-care; pay the mortgage; pay the auto insurance and taxes; do our annual taxes; cook dinner for the kids every day; do my own laundry and the kids laundry.

I believe that if I called all this to her attention, she'd acknowledge it and then quickly go back to her basic attitude that I am a lazy selfish pig.

I also think that if I divorced her, there would be a whole lot of stuff that simply didn't get done, because I wasn't there to do it.

Obviously your an anomaly. We aren’t talking about men like you. I unfortunately don’t believe you actually do all of these things though. Very very few men are responsible for scheduling things. They often forget or do something wrong and the consequences are too great (ex not having childcare).

I think this is the norm. My wife loves to talk about reorganizing the closets or some other make-work task, which is mostly an excuse to watch TV on her iPad while I handle everything for the kids.

It's natural to assume what one does is super difficult and to discount a partner's labor.

Cool that you think it's the norm.

It's not.

[Anonymous]

Whenever I see moms on here complaining about all the work they do, the list of tasks they mention always make it very obvious they do about half the work and completely discount what their husband does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all the ladies on this thread dealing with the same thing, I say: get a great nanny. My DH is useless, and unfortunately I didn’t realize that until I was pregnant with our twins. Prior to that, we both worked, I managed cooking and most of the little details of life like shoooing, calendaring, etc. And he managed car repair and lawn maintenance and we outsourced cleaning. Then when I was pregnant (with twins!) and slowing down and needed him to pick up slack, his response to being asked to take over entire tasks such as handling dinner resulted in takeout. Only. Ever. He CAN cook and he in fact cooked for me often during our courtship and newlywed period, but he somehow decided he was done. Since I was not working and on bed rest, I tried to explain that we couldn’t financially afford to spend $40 a night on takeout. He then complained that I was being impossible and should just do it myself.

Similar things over and over at every step of the way. I will probably divorce him at some point but it is so hard on kids and he is such an absentee dad that if they weren’t in the same house they would probably never see him at all.

For the first year, I had a nice, experienced, grandmotherly type of nanny who did childcare and nothing else. It was helpful but still exhausting mentally to manage every single thing.

At one year, we switched to a nanny in her twenties who billed herself as a “full-service” nanny. She manages everything for the kids. She makes all their meals, does all their laundry, organizes their stuff, and buys whatever they need. She goes grocery shopping weekly and gets everything the kids need and anything I add. She also does a monthly Target run and she orders everything else from Amazon. She keeps track of their clothing and shoe sizes and orders what they need each season. She manages homework assignments and gets anything they need for projects. She organizes sports and activities and playdates. She currates their toys and books and culls things they are outgrowing and keeps a list of gift ideas for birthdays and holidays and orders educational books and activities and supplies as needed. She clips their fingernails and takes them to get hair cuts and schedules dentist visits and flu shots.

When I arrive home on a weeknight, homework is done and left out for my review. Sports stuff is put away. Their chores are done and they are bathed and in pjs. A nice family meal is on the table and we all sit down and eat together and talk, then we read books and get them ready for bed in a leisurely manner.

On weekends, I just have to consult our online calendar to see where the kids need to be. If they have a big school project to work on, there is a box with the assignment printout and all the supplies sitting on my counter. If they have a sports practice, their uniform is clean and packed with their gear and healthy snacks for the whole team are in the fridge. If they have a birthday party, party clothes are laid out and a thoughtful gift and homemade card are waiting for me on the counter. When I open the fridge, there are two dinners ready to go in the oven. When I open the kids’ medicine cabinet, all of their toiletries are topped up and ready to use. When I open their closets, their clothes are clean and put away. I don’t have to prep for parenting; I just parent and it is the best money I have ever spent.

How much do you pay this person? And does DH have ANY involvement in their lives? This whole set up sounds sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever I see moms on here complaining about all the work they do, the list of tasks they mention always make it very obvious they do about half the work and completely discount what their husband does.

"I want to believe they do half the work so I read between the lines something that affirms my assumptions"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whenever I see moms on here complaining about all the work they do, the list of tasks they mention always make it very obvious they do about half the work and completely discount what their husband does.

"I want to believe they do half the work so I read between the lines something that affirms my assumptions"

ok. lmao