women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?

Anonymous
PP with supernanny above. We found her through an agency that has since gone out of business. But she tells me that her style of nannying is called “family manager” and that some people do hire them even when they don’t need much/any childcare.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Whenever I see moms on here complaining about all the work they do, the list of tasks they mention always make it very obvious they do about half the work and completely discount what their husband does.


"I want to believe they do half the work so I read between the lines something that affirms my assumptions"


Well, if you’re only aware of 10% of the work and do half of that, there you go! You think you’re mr wonderful reincarnated.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I do all the mental labor in my house. DH handles the cars. I’m just going to C & P a post I used a few months ago on a similar thread.

OP, I have been in your shoes. My DH has inattentive ADHD that has been severely affecting his life for his entire 55 years on this planet.

I went through a time when DD was younger when I was angry and considered leaving.

Does he have ANY good qualities?

Is he good in bed?
Funny?
Kind?
A fun dad?
Compassionate?

If you can say yes (or remember a time when the answer was yes) then maybe this is worth saving. But you will have to find a way to let go of the daily anger.

Get a house cleaner
Order groceries online - he can pick them up
Leave lists for errands - doc appointment - stores. Maybe one day you will be able to throw a little heart or I love you on there
Help him with his calendar. I have to remind him to eat and feed the kid (though now at 10 she can handle that)

I also got some Zoloft which helps my anger.


If what I laid out above makes you angry/eyeroll/or seems ridiculous then maybe you should leave him.

I truly wanted it to work and now it does for us.


Sounds like I need an upgrade from wine to Zoloft.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:My wife left her screen opened and I naturally looked through the history and am very amused. She too is chiming in all over this thread crying about how hard it is to do "everything".

Ok, she does everything all right. So much of everything except take the boys to any of their practices or games. I'm on the road with them 6 days a week shuttling them around town and sign them up for everything and make sure they have all their gear. She has hours and hours on end of free time without the boys while I'm with them.

She has never turned on the lawnmower, not once. She has never spent an entire weekend trimming bushes, mulching, and planting flowers.
Never. She has never fixed a single thing in the house-ever. Last weekend I set up an entire Costco playset, she didnt lift a finger. Was 2 full days of work and inbetween I had my kids games. She cannot tell you how to get a car inspected or pay the taxes or do routine maintenance, have never once worried her pretty stressed out over worked head over it . When the dog gets sick or has a accident or the kids vomit in the middle of the night, guess who does the dirty work? This guy.

Does she play with the kids in the backyard? Did she sit and play legos with them when they were little? Nope. They constantly hang on me begging me to play. Maybe instead of mentally laboring intensively over a grocery list, I choose instead to play with my kids. I'd be happy eating hot dogs anyways, I dont need chicken marsala on a Wednesday. Babe, the kids never even ask you to play anymore. Have you not noticed that?

Does she organize the constantly messy garage do we can fit our cars in? Nope. Does she take the trash bins out and roll them back in and a few times a year pressure wash out the stink inside? Nope. Does she schedule contractors, haggle for a good price and then ride their ass when they aren't doing a good job? Nope. Does she fish her own nasty hair she has clogged the bathroom drain up herself? Nope, she askes me to get her nasty hair out of the drain.

Oh and when I do go to the store, or take the kids to the doctor. I didnt buy the right brand or I didnt ask the right questions. What about if I cook? No, I didnt make it right and then she declares in a passive aggressive tone " I have to do everything myself or it doesn't get done right!" God FORBID if I were to do the laundry...I absolutley sm basically told I'm an idiot...idiot over doing laundry "wrong".

Please, cry me a river about your heavy mental workload. I never complain, I never keep count and here you are crucifying yourself to a cross over you supposedly doing everything.

You know who you are. Pathetic babe. Really pathetic.


Buuuurrrrnnn!

Seriously, PP, that sucks for you. I haven’t posted yet, but I can absolutely empathize with some of the PPs. However, my DH isn’t consumed with taking over any of the kids’ activities, he’s never done doc appointments, has never cooked a meal besides pasta twice a year, would never clean up vomit, and hasn’t played a game with the kids pretty much ever. I’m sorry you found your DW commiserating on this thread when, from your perspective, it doesn’t sound warranted. I assure you, at least in my case, you aren’t the type of DH people are talking about. I hope you fine the appreciation you seem to deserve.
Anonymous
Babe. Yeah.
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