women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all the ladies on this thread dealing with the same thing, I say: get a great nanny. My DH is useless, and unfortunately I didn’t realize that until I was pregnant with our twins. Prior to that, we both worked, I managed cooking and most of the little details of life like shoooing, calendaring, etc. And he managed car repair and lawn maintenance and we outsourced cleaning. Then when I was pregnant (with twins!) and slowing down and needed him to pick up slack, his response to being asked to take over entire tasks such as handling dinner resulted in takeout. Only. Ever. He CAN cook and he in fact cooked for me often during our courtship and newlywed period, but he somehow decided he was done. Since I was not working and on bed rest, I tried to explain that we couldn’t financially afford to spend $40 a night on takeout. He then complained that I was being impossible and should just do it myself.

Similar things over and over at every step of the way. I will probably divorce him at some point but it is so hard on kids and he is such an absentee dad that if they weren’t in the same house they would probably never see him at all.

For the first year, I had a nice, experienced, grandmotherly type of nanny who did childcare and nothing else. It was helpful but still exhausting mentally to manage every single thing.

At one year, we switched to a nanny in her twenties who billed herself as a “full-service” nanny. She manages everything for the kids. She makes all their meals, does all their laundry, organizes their stuff, and buys whatever they need. She goes grocery shopping weekly and gets everything the kids need and anything I add. She also does a monthly Target run and she orders everything else from Amazon. She keeps track of their clothing and shoe sizes and orders what they need each season. She manages homework assignments and gets anything they need for projects. She organizes sports and activities and playdates. She currates their toys and books and culls things they are outgrowing and keeps a list of gift ideas for birthdays and holidays and orders educational books and activities and supplies as needed. She clips their fingernails and takes them to get hair cuts and schedules dentist visits and flu shots.

When I arrive home on a weeknight, homework is done and left out for my review. Sports stuff is put away. Their chores are done and they are bathed and in pjs. A nice family meal is on the table and we all sit down and eat together and talk, then we read books and get them ready for bed in a leisurely manner.

On weekends, I just have to consult our online calendar to see where the kids need to be. If they have a big school project to work on, there is a box with the assignment printout and all the supplies sitting on my counter. If they have a sports practice, their uniform is clean and packed with their gear and healthy snacks for the whole team are in the fridge. If they have a birthday party, party clothes are laid out and a thoughtful gift and homemade card are waiting for me on the counter. When I open the fridge, there are two dinners ready to go in the oven. When I open the kids’ medicine cabinet, all of their toiletries are topped up and ready to use. When I open their closets, their clothes are clean and put away. I don’t have to prep for parenting; I just parent and it is the best money I have ever spent.

How much do you pay this person? And does DH have ANY involvement in their lives? This whole set up sounds sad.

It doesn't sound like much parenting is being done by either dad or mom in this situation. What are you and DH gonna do when Mary Poppins leaves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all the ladies on this thread dealing with the same thing, I say: get a great nanny. My DH is useless, and unfortunately I didn’t realize that until I was pregnant with our twins. Prior to that, we both worked, I managed cooking and most of the little details of life like shoooing, calendaring, etc. And he managed car repair and lawn maintenance and we outsourced cleaning. Then when I was pregnant (with twins!) and slowing down and needed him to pick up slack, his response to being asked to take over entire tasks such as handling dinner resulted in takeout. Only. Ever. He CAN cook and he in fact cooked for me often during our courtship and newlywed period, but he somehow decided he was done. Since I was not working and on bed rest, I tried to explain that we couldn’t financially afford to spend $40 a night on takeout. He then complained that I was being impossible and should just do it myself.

Similar things over and over at every step of the way. I will probably divorce him at some point but it is so hard on kids and he is such an absentee dad that if they weren’t in the same house they would probably never see him at all.

For the first year, I had a nice, experienced, grandmotherly type of nanny who did childcare and nothing else. It was helpful but still exhausting mentally to manage every single thing.

At one year, we switched to a nanny in her twenties who billed herself as a “full-service” nanny. She manages everything for the kids. She makes all their meals, does all their laundry, organizes their stuff, and buys whatever they need. She goes grocery shopping weekly and gets everything the kids need and anything I add. She also does a monthly Target run and she orders everything else from Amazon. She keeps track of their clothing and shoe sizes and orders what they need each season. She manages homework assignments and gets anything they need for projects. She organizes sports and activities and playdates. She currates their toys and books and culls things they are outgrowing and keeps a list of gift ideas for birthdays and holidays and orders educational books and activities and supplies as needed. She clips their fingernails and takes them to get hair cuts and schedules dentist visits and flu shots.

When I arrive home on a weeknight, homework is done and left out for my review. Sports stuff is put away. Their chores are done and they are bathed and in pjs. A nice family meal is on the table and we all sit down and eat together and talk, then we read books and get them ready for bed in a leisurely manner.

On weekends, I just have to consult our online calendar to see where the kids need to be. If they have a big school project to work on, there is a box with the assignment printout and all the supplies sitting on my counter. If they have a sports practice, their uniform is clean and packed with their gear and healthy snacks for the whole team are in the fridge. If they have a birthday party, party clothes are laid out and a thoughtful gift and homemade card are waiting for me on the counter. When I open the fridge, there are two dinners ready to go in the oven. When I open the kids’ medicine cabinet, all of their toiletries are topped up and ready to use. When I open their closets, their clothes are clean and put away. I don’t have to prep for parenting; I just parent and it is the best money I have ever spent.

How much do you pay this person? And does DH have ANY involvement in their lives? This whole set up sounds sad.

It doesn't sound like much parenting is being done by either dad or mom in this situation. What are you and DH gonna do when Mary Poppins leaves?

Y'all sound jealous

"How can you be a martyr mom if you're not rotating out too-small shoes and shuttling the kids to haircuts?!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all the ladies on this thread dealing with the same thing, I say: get a great nanny. My DH is useless, and unfortunately I didn’t realize that until I was pregnant with our twins. Prior to that, we both worked, I managed cooking and most of the little details of life like shoooing, calendaring, etc. And he managed car repair and lawn maintenance and we outsourced cleaning. Then when I was pregnant (with twins!) and slowing down and needed him to pick up slack, his response to being asked to take over entire tasks such as handling dinner resulted in takeout. Only. Ever. He CAN cook and he in fact cooked for me often during our courtship and newlywed period, but he somehow decided he was done. Since I was not working and on bed rest, I tried to explain that we couldn’t financially afford to spend $40 a night on takeout. He then complained that I was being impossible and should just do it myself.

Similar things over and over at every step of the way. I will probably divorce him at some point but it is so hard on kids and he is such an absentee dad that if they weren’t in the same house they would probably never see him at all.

For the first year, I had a nice, experienced, grandmotherly type of nanny who did childcare and nothing else. It was helpful but still exhausting mentally to manage every single thing.

At one year, we switched to a nanny in her twenties who billed herself as a “full-service” nanny. She manages everything for the kids. She makes all their meals, does all their laundry, organizes their stuff, and buys whatever they need. She goes grocery shopping weekly and gets everything the kids need and anything I add. She also does a monthly Target run and she orders everything else from Amazon. She keeps track of their clothing and shoe sizes and orders what they need each season. She manages homework assignments and gets anything they need for projects. She organizes sports and activities and playdates. She currates their toys and books and culls things they are outgrowing and keeps a list of gift ideas for birthdays and holidays and orders educational books and activities and supplies as needed. She clips their fingernails and takes them to get hair cuts and schedules dentist visits and flu shots.

When I arrive home on a weeknight, homework is done and left out for my review. Sports stuff is put away. Their chores are done and they are bathed and in pjs. A nice family meal is on the table and we all sit down and eat together and talk, then we read books and get them ready for bed in a leisurely manner.

On weekends, I just have to consult our online calendar to see where the kids need to be. If they have a big school project to work on, there is a box with the assignment printout and all the supplies sitting on my counter. If they have a sports practice, their uniform is clean and packed with their gear and healthy snacks for the whole team are in the fridge. If they have a birthday party, party clothes are laid out and a thoughtful gift and homemade card are waiting for me on the counter. When I open the fridge, there are two dinners ready to go in the oven. When I open the kids’ medicine cabinet, all of their toiletries are topped up and ready to use. When I open their closets, their clothes are clean and put away. I don’t have to prep for parenting; I just parent and it is the best money I have ever spent.

How much do you pay this person? And does DH have ANY involvement in their lives? This whole set up sounds sad.

It doesn't sound like much parenting is being done by either dad or mom in this situation. What are you and DH gonna do when Mary Poppins leaves?

I pay her $22 per hour plus overtime. She works 7-5 four days a week and 7-8 one day per week. (She gets kids ready while I get myself ready, then kids and I eat breakfast together before leaving for school/work).

DH eats dinner with us and on the night I work late he will take a turn reading books with them at bedtime and tucking them in (with nanny there to keep it all going smoothly, so he never has to deal with any discipline issues). He also goes on outings with them often—but only because the nanny plans everything and invites him and then thanks him effusively afterward for all his “help.” She literally packs snacks for him right along with the kids, plans on eating lunch at places HE likes and books the activities based on HIS interests. But the kids love having that time with him and if I had to do all that prep work and then go on about how great he was for spending half a day with his kids I would wretch. I have no idea what I would do if she left. So far I just keep throwing raises at her every year and as much time off as she wants. Eventually she will leave I am sure and at that point we will need to find a new Marry Poppins.

I am always amused by the people who hear about this setup (I long ago learned not to tell anyone irl) who immediately assume that I am not a “real” parent because I don’t do any of the logistical nonsense. All I do is spend half an hour eating breakfast with my kids every weekday, 3 hours doing dinner and bedtime four days per week and all day Saturday and Sunday taking them to activities and spending relaxing time together. Tell me again that I am less of a mom than all the women who spend the same amount of time with their kids but split their attention between making dinner and supervising homework and waiting on hold with the orthodontist. Tell me how I am less of a parent than all the dads described on this very thread who would never dream of doing any of this stuff and always expected to arrive home to a dinner on the table prepared by the food fairy/mommy/wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all the ladies on this thread dealing with the same thing, I say: get a great nanny. My DH is useless, and unfortunately I didn’t realize that until I was pregnant with our twins. Prior to that, we both worked, I managed cooking and most of the little details of life like shoooing, calendaring, etc. And he managed car repair and lawn maintenance and we outsourced cleaning. Then when I was pregnant (with twins!) and slowing down and needed him to pick up slack, his response to being asked to take over entire tasks such as handling dinner resulted in takeout. Only. Ever. He CAN cook and he in fact cooked for me often during our courtship and newlywed period, but he somehow decided he was done. Since I was not working and on bed rest, I tried to explain that we couldn’t financially afford to spend $40 a night on takeout. He then complained that I was being impossible and should just do it myself.

Similar things over and over at every step of the way. I will probably divorce him at some point but it is so hard on kids and he is such an absentee dad that if they weren’t in the same house they would probably never see him at all.

For the first year, I had a nice, experienced, grandmotherly type of nanny who did childcare and nothing else. It was helpful but still exhausting mentally to manage every single thing.

At one year, we switched to a nanny in her twenties who billed herself as a “full-service” nanny. She manages everything for the kids. She makes all their meals, does all their laundry, organizes their stuff, and buys whatever they need. She goes grocery shopping weekly and gets everything the kids need and anything I add. She also does a monthly Target run and she orders everything else from Amazon. She keeps track of their clothing and shoe sizes and orders what they need each season. She manages homework assignments and gets anything they need for projects. She organizes sports and activities and playdates. She currates their toys and books and culls things they are outgrowing and keeps a list of gift ideas for birthdays and holidays and orders educational books and activities and supplies as needed. She clips their fingernails and takes them to get hair cuts and schedules dentist visits and flu shots.

When I arrive home on a weeknight, homework is done and left out for my review. Sports stuff is put away. Their chores are done and they are bathed and in pjs. A nice family meal is on the table and we all sit down and eat together and talk, then we read books and get them ready for bed in a leisurely manner.

On weekends, I just have to consult our online calendar to see where the kids need to be. If they have a big school project to work on, there is a box with the assignment printout and all the supplies sitting on my counter. If they have a sports practice, their uniform is clean and packed with their gear and healthy snacks for the whole team are in the fridge. If they have a birthday party, party clothes are laid out and a thoughtful gift and homemade card are waiting for me on the counter. When I open the fridge, there are two dinners ready to go in the oven. When I open the kids’ medicine cabinet, all of their toiletries are topped up and ready to use. When I open their closets, their clothes are clean and put away. I don’t have to prep for parenting; I just parent and it is the best money I have ever spent.

How much do you pay this person? And does DH have ANY involvement in their lives? This whole set up sounds sad.

It doesn't sound like much parenting is being done by either dad or mom in this situation. What are you and DH gonna do when Mary Poppins leaves?

I pay her $22 per hour plus overtime. She works 7-5 four days a week and 7-8 one day per week. (She gets kids ready while I get myself ready, then kids and I eat breakfast together before leaving for school/work).

DH eats dinner with us and on the night I work late he will take a turn reading books with them at bedtime and tucking them in (with nanny there to keep it all going smoothly, so he never has to deal with any discipline issues). He also goes on outings with them often—but only because the nanny plans everything and invites him and then thanks him effusively afterward for all his “help.” She literally packs snacks for him right along with the kids, plans on eating lunch at places HE likes and books the activities based on HIS interests. But the kids love having that time with him and if I had to do all that prep work and then go on about how great he was for spending half a day with his kids I would wretch. I have no idea what I would do if she left. So far I just keep throwing raises at her every year and as much time off as she wants. Eventually she will leave I am sure and at that point we will need to find a new Marry Poppins.

I am always amused by the people who hear about this setup (I long ago learned not to tell anyone irl) who immediately assume that I am not a “real” parent because I don’t do any of the logistical nonsense. All I do is spend half an hour eating breakfast with my kids every weekday, 3 hours doing dinner and bedtime four days per week and all day Saturday and Sunday taking them to activities and spending relaxing time together. Tell me again that I am less of a mom than all the women who spend the same amount of time with their kids but split their attention between making dinner and supervising homework and waiting on hold with the orthodontist. Tell me how I am less of a parent than all the dads described on this very thread who would never dream of doing any of this stuff and always expected to arrive home to a dinner on the table prepared by the food fairy/mommy/wife.

You are very lucky! How did you find your nanny?

[Anonymous]

I do all the mental labor in my house. DH handles the cars. I’m just going to C & P a post I used a few months ago on a similar thread.

OP, I have been in your shoes. My DH has inattentive ADHD that has been severely affecting his life for his entire 55 years on this planet.

I went through a time when DD was younger when I was angry and considered leaving.

Does he have ANY good qualities?

Is he good in bed?
Funny?
Kind?
A fun dad?
Compassionate?

If you can say yes (or remember a time when the answer was yes) then maybe this is worth saving. But you will have to find a way to let go of the daily anger.

Get a house cleaner
Order groceries online - he can pick them up
Leave lists for errands - doc appointment - stores. Maybe one day you will be able to throw a little heart or I love you on there
Help him with his calendar. I have to remind him to eat and feed the kid (though now at 10 she can handle that)

I also got some Zoloft which helps my anger.


If what I laid out above makes you angry/eyeroll/or seems ridiculous then maybe you should leave him.

I truly wanted it to work and now it does for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all the ladies on this thread dealing with the same thing, I say: get a great nanny. My DH is useless, and unfortunately I didn’t realize that until I was pregnant with our twins. Prior to that, we both worked, I managed cooking and most of the little details of life like shoooing, calendaring, etc. And he managed car repair and lawn maintenance and we outsourced cleaning. Then when I was pregnant (with twins!) and slowing down and needed him to pick up slack, his response to being asked to take over entire tasks such as handling dinner resulted in takeout. Only. Ever. He CAN cook and he in fact cooked for me often during our courtship and newlywed period, but he somehow decided he was done. Since I was not working and on bed rest, I tried to explain that we couldn’t financially afford to spend $40 a night on takeout. He then complained that I was being impossible and should just do it myself.

Similar things over and over at every step of the way. I will probably divorce him at some point but it is so hard on kids and he is such an absentee dad that if they weren’t in the same house they would probably never see him at all.

For the first year, I had a nice, experienced, grandmotherly type of nanny who did childcare and nothing else. It was helpful but still exhausting mentally to manage every single thing.

At one year, we switched to a nanny in her twenties who billed herself as a “full-service” nanny. She manages everything for the kids. She makes all their meals, does all their laundry, organizes their stuff, and buys whatever they need. She goes grocery shopping weekly and gets everything the kids need and anything I add. She also does a monthly Target run and she orders everything else from Amazon. She keeps track of their clothing and shoe sizes and orders what they need each season. She manages homework assignments and gets anything they need for projects. She organizes sports and activities and playdates. She currates their toys and books and culls things they are outgrowing and keeps a list of gift ideas for birthdays and holidays and orders educational books and activities and supplies as needed. She clips their fingernails and takes them to get hair cuts and schedules dentist visits and flu shots.

When I arrive home on a weeknight, homework is done and left out for my review. Sports stuff is put away. Their chores are done and they are bathed and in pjs. A nice family meal is on the table and we all sit down and eat together and talk, then we read books and get them ready for bed in a leisurely manner.

On weekends, I just have to consult our online calendar to see where the kids need to be. If they have a big school project to work on, there is a box with the assignment printout and all the supplies sitting on my counter. If they have a sports practice, their uniform is clean and packed with their gear and healthy snacks for the whole team are in the fridge. If they have a birthday party, party clothes are laid out and a thoughtful gift and homemade card are waiting for me on the counter. When I open the fridge, there are two dinners ready to go in the oven. When I open the kids’ medicine cabinet, all of their toiletries are topped up and ready to use. When I open their closets, their clothes are clean and put away. I don’t have to prep for parenting; I just parent and it is the best money I have ever spent.

How much do you pay this person? And does DH have ANY involvement in their lives? This whole set up sounds sad.

It doesn't sound like much parenting is being done by either dad or mom in this situation. What are you and DH gonna do when Mary Poppins leaves?

I pay her $22 per hour plus overtime. She works 7-5 four days a week and 7-8 one day per week. (She gets kids ready while I get myself ready, then kids and I eat breakfast together before leaving for school/work).

DH eats dinner with us and on the night I work late he will take a turn reading books with them at bedtime and tucking them in (with nanny there to keep it all going smoothly, so he never has to deal with any discipline issues). He also goes on outings with them often—but only because the nanny plans everything and invites him and then thanks him effusively afterward for all his “help.” She literally packs snacks for him right along with the kids, plans on eating lunch at places HE likes and books the activities based on HIS interests. But the kids love having that time with him and if I had to do all that prep work and then go on about how great he was for spending half a day with his kids I would wretch. I have no idea what I would do if she left. So far I just keep throwing raises at her every year and as much time off as she wants. Eventually she will leave I am sure and at that point we will need to find a new Marry Poppins.

I am always amused by the people who hear about this setup (I long ago learned not to tell anyone irl) who immediately assume that I am not a “real” parent because I don’t do any of the logistical nonsense. All I do is spend half an hour eating breakfast with my kids every weekday, 3 hours doing dinner and bedtime four days per week and all day Saturday and Sunday taking them to activities and spending relaxing time together. Tell me again that I am less of a mom than all the women who spend the same amount of time with their kids but split their attention between making dinner and supervising homework and waiting on hold with the orthodontist. Tell me how I am less of a parent than all the dads described on this very thread who would never dream of doing any of this stuff and always expected to arrive home to a dinner on the table prepared by the food fairy/mommy/wife.

You are very lucky! How did you find your nanny?

Don't even have kids in my life and I want her - she sounds like a dream scheduler. Can she cook my meals too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all the ladies on this thread dealing with the same thing, I say: get a great nanny. My DH is useless, and unfortunately I didn’t realize that until I was pregnant with our twins. Prior to that, we both worked, I managed cooking and most of the little details of life like shoooing, calendaring, etc. And he managed car repair and lawn maintenance and we outsourced cleaning. Then when I was pregnant (with twins!) and slowing down and needed him to pick up slack, his response to being asked to take over entire tasks such as handling dinner resulted in takeout. Only. Ever. He CAN cook and he in fact cooked for me often during our courtship and newlywed period, but he somehow decided he was done. Since I was not working and on bed rest, I tried to explain that we couldn’t financially afford to spend $40 a night on takeout. He then complained that I was being impossible and should just do it myself.

Similar things over and over at every step of the way. I will probably divorce him at some point but it is so hard on kids and he is such an absentee dad that if they weren’t in the same house they would probably never see him at all.

For the first year, I had a nice, experienced, grandmotherly type of nanny who did childcare and nothing else. It was helpful but still exhausting mentally to manage every single thing.

At one year, we switched to a nanny in her twenties who billed herself as a “full-service” nanny. She manages everything for the kids. She makes all their meals, does all their laundry, organizes their stuff, and buys whatever they need. She goes grocery shopping weekly and gets everything the kids need and anything I add. She also does a monthly Target run and she orders everything else from Amazon. She keeps track of their clothing and shoe sizes and orders what they need each season. She manages homework assignments and gets anything they need for projects. She organizes sports and activities and playdates. She currates their toys and books and culls things they are outgrowing and keeps a list of gift ideas for birthdays and holidays and orders educational books and activities and supplies as needed. She clips their fingernails and takes them to get hair cuts and schedules dentist visits and flu shots.

When I arrive home on a weeknight, homework is done and left out for my review. Sports stuff is put away. Their chores are done and they are bathed and in pjs. A nice family meal is on the table and we all sit down and eat together and talk, then we read books and get them ready for bed in a leisurely manner.

On weekends, I just have to consult our online calendar to see where the kids need to be. If they have a big school project to work on, there is a box with the assignment printout and all the supplies sitting on my counter. If they have a sports practice, their uniform is clean and packed with their gear and healthy snacks for the whole team are in the fridge. If they have a birthday party, party clothes are laid out and a thoughtful gift and homemade card are waiting for me on the counter. When I open the fridge, there are two dinners ready to go in the oven. When I open the kids’ medicine cabinet, all of their toiletries are topped up and ready to use. When I open their closets, their clothes are clean and put away. I don’t have to prep for parenting; I just parent and it is the best money I have ever spent.

How much do you pay this person? And does DH have ANY involvement in their lives? This whole set up sounds sad.

It doesn't sound like much parenting is being done by either dad or mom in this situation. What are you and DH gonna do when Mary Poppins leaves?

I pay her $22 per hour plus overtime. She works 7-5 four days a week and 7-8 one day per week. (She gets kids ready while I get myself ready, then kids and I eat breakfast together before leaving for school/work).

DH eats dinner with us and on the night I work late he will take a turn reading books with them at bedtime and tucking them in (with nanny there to keep it all going smoothly, so he never has to deal with any discipline issues). He also goes on outings with them often—but only because the nanny plans everything and invites him and then thanks him effusively afterward for all his “help.” She literally packs snacks for him right along with the kids, plans on eating lunch at places HE likes and books the activities based on HIS interests. But the kids love having that time with him and if I had to do all that prep work and then go on about how great he was for spending half a day with his kids I would wretch. I have no idea what I would do if she left. So far I just keep throwing raises at her every year and as much time off as she wants. Eventually she will leave I am sure and at that point we will need to find a new Marry Poppins.

I am always amused by the people who hear about this setup (I long ago learned not to tell anyone irl) who immediately assume that I am not a “real” parent because I don’t do any of the logistical nonsense. All I do is spend half an hour eating breakfast with my kids every weekday, 3 hours doing dinner and bedtime four days per week and all day Saturday and Sunday taking them to activities and spending relaxing time together. Tell me again that I am less of a mom than all the women who spend the same amount of time with their kids but split their attention between making dinner and supervising homework and waiting on hold with the orthodontist. Tell me how I am less of a parent than all the dads described on this very thread who would never dream of doing any of this stuff and always expected to arrive home to a dinner on the table prepared by the food fairy/mommy/wife.

You are very lucky! How did you find your nanny?

Don't even have kids in my life and I want her - she sounds like a dream scheduler. Can she cook my meals too?

+1 Me too. No kids, sounds like a great set up.

[Anonymous]

Does posting 15 pages on DCUM count as mental work...guess women’s invisible work is never done.

[Anonymous]

Invent tasks and then get mad your husband because he does the stuff your dad did.

[Anonymous]

My wife left her screen opened and I naturally looked through the history and am very amused. She too is chiming in all over this thread crying about how hard it is to do "everything".

Ok, she does everything all right. So much of everything except take the boys to any of their practices or games. I'm on the road with them 6 days a week shuttling them around town and sign them up for everything and make sure they have all their gear. She has hours and hours on end of free time without the boys while I'm with them.

She has never turned on the lawnmower, not once. She has never spent an entire weekend trimming bushes, mulching, and planting flowers.
Never. She has never fixed a single thing in the house-ever. Last weekend I set up an entire Costco playset, she didnt lift a finger. Was 2 full days of work and inbetween I had my kids games. She cannot tell you how to get a car inspected or pay the taxes or do routine maintenance, have never once worried her pretty stressed out over worked head over it . When the dog gets sick or has a accident or the kids vomit in the middle of the night, guess who does the dirty work? This guy.

Does she play with the kids in the backyard? Did she sit and play legos with them when they were little? Nope. They constantly hang on me begging me to play. Maybe instead of mentally laboring intensively over a grocery list, I choose instead to play with my kids. I'd be happy eating hot dogs anyways, I dont need chicken marsala on a Wednesday. Babe, the kids never even ask you to play anymore. Have you not noticed that?

Does she organize the constantly messy garage do we can fit our cars in? Nope. Does she take the trash bins out and roll them back in and a few times a year pressure wash out the stink inside? Nope. Does she schedule contractors, haggle for a good price and then ride their ass when they aren't doing a good job? Nope. Does she fish her own nasty hair she has clogged the bathroom drain up herself? Nope, she askes me to get her nasty hair out of the drain.

Oh and when I do go to the store, or take the kids to the doctor. I didnt buy the right brand or I didnt ask the right questions. What about if I cook? No, I didnt make it right and then she declares in a passive aggressive tone " I have to do everything myself or it doesn't get done right!" God FORBID if I were to do the laundry...I absolutley sm basically told I'm an idiot...idiot over doing laundry "wrong".

Please, cry me a river about your heavy mental workload. I never complain, I never keep count and here you are crucifying yourself to a cross over you supposedly doing everything.

You know who you are. Pathetic babe. Really pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all the ladies on this thread dealing with the same thing, I say: get a great nanny. My DH is useless, and unfortunately I didn’t realize that until I was pregnant with our twins. Prior to that, we both worked, I managed cooking and most of the little details of life like shoooing, calendaring, etc. And he managed car repair and lawn maintenance and we outsourced cleaning. Then when I was pregnant (with twins!) and slowing down and needed him to pick up slack, his response to being asked to take over entire tasks such as handling dinner resulted in takeout. Only. Ever. He CAN cook and he in fact cooked for me often during our courtship and newlywed period, but he somehow decided he was done. Since I was not working and on bed rest, I tried to explain that we couldn’t financially afford to spend $40 a night on takeout. He then complained that I was being impossible and should just do it myself.

Similar things over and over at every step of the way. I will probably divorce him at some point but it is so hard on kids and he is such an absentee dad that if they weren’t in the same house they would probably never see him at all.

For the first year, I had a nice, experienced, grandmotherly type of nanny who did childcare and nothing else. It was helpful but still exhausting mentally to manage every single thing.

At one year, we switched to a nanny in her twenties who billed herself as a “full-service” nanny. She manages everything for the kids. She makes all their meals, does all their laundry, organizes their stuff, and buys whatever they need. She goes grocery shopping weekly and gets everything the kids need and anything I add. She also does a monthly Target run and she orders everything else from Amazon. She keeps track of their clothing and shoe sizes and orders what they need each season. She manages homework assignments and gets anything they need for projects. She organizes sports and activities and playdates. She currates their toys and books and culls things they are outgrowing and keeps a list of gift ideas for birthdays and holidays and orders educational books and activities and supplies as needed. She clips their fingernails and takes them to get hair cuts and schedules dentist visits and flu shots.

When I arrive home on a weeknight, homework is done and left out for my review. Sports stuff is put away. Their chores are done and they are bathed and in pjs. A nice family meal is on the table and we all sit down and eat together and talk, then we read books and get them ready for bed in a leisurely manner.

On weekends, I just have to consult our online calendar to see where the kids need to be. If they have a big school project to work on, there is a box with the assignment printout and all the supplies sitting on my counter. If they have a sports practice, their uniform is clean and packed with their gear and healthy snacks for the whole team are in the fridge. If they have a birthday party, party clothes are laid out and a thoughtful gift and homemade card are waiting for me on the counter. When I open the fridge, there are two dinners ready to go in the oven. When I open the kids’ medicine cabinet, all of their toiletries are topped up and ready to use. When I open their closets, their clothes are clean and put away. I don’t have to prep for parenting; I just parent and it is the best money I have ever spent.

How much do you pay this person? And does DH have ANY involvement in their lives? This whole set up sounds sad.

It doesn't sound like much parenting is being done by either dad or mom in this situation. What are you and DH gonna do when Mary Poppins leaves?

I pay her $22 per hour plus overtime. She works 7-5 four days a week and 7-8 one day per week. (She gets kids ready while I get myself ready, then kids and I eat breakfast together before leaving for school/work).

DH eats dinner with us and on the night I work late he will take a turn reading books with them at bedtime and tucking them in (with nanny there to keep it all going smoothly, so he never has to deal with any discipline issues). He also goes on outings with them often—but only because the nanny plans everything and invites him and then thanks him effusively afterward for all his “help.” She literally packs snacks for him right along with the kids, plans on eating lunch at places HE likes and books the activities based on HIS interests. But the kids love having that time with him and if I had to do all that prep work and then go on about how great he was for spending half a day with his kids I would wretch. I have no idea what I would do if she left. So far I just keep throwing raises at her every year and as much time off as she wants. Eventually she will leave I am sure and at that point we will need to find a new Marry Poppins.

I am always amused by the people who hear about this setup (I long ago learned not to tell anyone irl) who immediately assume that I am not a “real” parent because I don’t do any of the logistical nonsense. All I do is spend half an hour eating breakfast with my kids every weekday, 3 hours doing dinner and bedtime four days per week and all day Saturday and Sunday taking them to activities and spending relaxing time together. Tell me again that I am less of a mom than all the women who spend the same amount of time with their kids but split their attention between making dinner and supervising homework and waiting on hold with the orthodontist. Tell me how I am less of a parent than all the dads described on this very thread who would never dream of doing any of this stuff and always expected to arrive home to a dinner on the table prepared by the food fairy/mommy/wife.

You are very lucky! How did you find your nanny?

Don't even have kids in my life and I want her - she sounds like a dream scheduler. Can she cook my meals too?

+1 Me too. No kids, sounds like a great set up.

Seriously. I travel all the time. I'd love someone to plan my weekends, make reservations, unpack and pack my suitcase for the following week, do laundry, coordinate the housekeeper or clean herself before I get home, pick up packages and dry cleaning/shoe repairs/whatever, unpack and place items where they need to be, stock my fridge, deal with repairs, etc. etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife left her screen opened and I naturally looked through the history and am very amused. She too is chiming in all over this thread crying about how hard it is to do "everything".

Ok, she does everything all right. So much of everything except take the boys to any of their practices or games. I'm on the road with them 6 days a week shuttling them around town and sign them up for everything and make sure they have all their gear. She has hours and hours on end of free time without the boys while I'm with them.

She has never turned on the lawnmower, not once. She has never spent an entire weekend trimming bushes, mulching, and planting flowers.
Never. She has never fixed a single thing in the house-ever. Last weekend I set up an entire Costco playset, she didnt lift a finger. Was 2 full days of work and inbetween I had my kids games. She cannot tell you how to get a car inspected or pay the taxes or do routine maintenance, have never once worried her pretty stressed out over worked head over it . When the dog gets sick or has a accident or the kids vomit in the middle of the night, guess who does the dirty work? This guy.

Does she play with the kids in the backyard? Did she sit and play legos with them when they were little? Nope. They constantly hang on me begging me to play. Maybe instead of mentally laboring intensively over a grocery list, I choose instead to play with my kids. I'd be happy eating hot dogs anyways, I dont need chicken marsala on a Wednesday. Babe, the kids never even ask you to play anymore. Have you not noticed that?

Does she organize the constantly messy garage do we can fit our cars in? Nope. Does she take the trash bins out and roll them back in and a few times a year pressure wash out the stink inside? Nope. Does she schedule contractors, haggle for a good price and then ride their ass when they aren't doing a good job? Nope. Does she fish her own nasty hair she has clogged the bathroom drain up herself? Nope, she askes me to get her nasty hair out of the drain.

Oh and when I do go to the store, or take the kids to the doctor. I didnt buy the right brand or I didnt ask the right questions. What about if I cook? No, I didnt make it right and then she declares in a passive aggressive tone " I have to do everything myself or it doesn't get done right!" God FORBID if I were to do the laundry...I absolutley sm basically told I'm an idiot...idiot over doing laundry "wrong".

Please, cry me a river about your heavy mental workload. I never complain, I never keep count and here you are crucifying yourself to a cross over you supposedly doing everything.

You know who you are. Pathetic babe. Really pathetic.

Whoa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hit 40 I meant.
Frankly I’m going to tell my daughters to do the same, maybe at 35.

Don't be surprised when you end up with zero grandchildren. Your daughters might send you photos of their dogs, though. Yay!

It’s about being happy.

Who feels happy doing everything, being never appreciated at home, never have a partnership at home, cleaning up Manchild messes, and doing 95% of the child raising while working full time. Who wants that for their daughters? Who wants their adult daughters to marry a selfish @$$?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is another reason women fall behind in the workplace after having kids. It’s the million things we are expected to do. Most women want a decent quality of life so many of the things that we do aren’t truly necessary to survive.

Just today I went to the pool with my child and husband. Here’s what I did to make it to the pool:

1. Order swim diapers last week
2. Order a float
3. Order a swimsuit earlier this year in son’s size
4. Order sunscreen
5. Put sunscreen on child
6. Pack stroller, including water for child
7. Decide time to go to the pool (in between naps)
8. Get myself ready


Here’s what my husband did:

1. Dress himself
2. Ask me where the sunscreen is
3. Push the stroller.


I suppose we could have not gone to the pool? Was it necessary to survive? No, but it’s things like this that make life nice. Other examples include vacations, parties, a clean house, nice meals, well dressed kids, kids enjoying activities, pets, etc.

This. All this.

Great example. Now multiply it times 5 situations each week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are being real a-holes on this thread. You’re all so cool mocking the examples people are sharing. I get it, it’s mentally tiring. No one task is hard. Not at all, but having to think of it all and deal with it can add up.

People sharing clearly add up everything they do (I had to wipe my ass today) and discount everything their partner does. Couldn’t be more obvious.

Did you know that actual research demonstrate men do less domestic labour?

I can videotape my husband coming home at 7pm, eating, horseplay with kids, and then crashing asleep on the couch with the tv st 8pm 5-6 days a week. Would that suffice?
Everything else getting done in the house or for the family must be magic. The kind that breeds constant resentment.