women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?

[Anonymous]

Why are you packing for him and why are you cooking 7 days a week? Have him cook 2 days a week--if you don't care, allow him to choose the days, but I would keep the days consistent. Then on his evenings, let him do it. Remember, you cannot complain if he makes a vegetable one of your kids doesn't like. Not your problem.

You sound very Type A and your DH probably isn't. That's the way it is. If he has to choose summer camps, he will not be as picky as you and then you will not be happy. Choosing a pediatrician involves research? You ask a few mothers and you have a list. Done until they are 18. Cut yourself a break on the small stuff. It is really not that important.

[Anonymous]

Invisible labor = moms competing against each other for some imaginary best mom trophy that only exists in their heads

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men take on the mental burden to provide and protect their families. They feel the pressure and responsibility for their family's economic well being, housing, and for keeping the family safe.

Are you joking?

No kidding. Everyone knows packing is soooooo much more difficult

[Anonymous]

Sharing chores fine. But men don't see the need to share the burden of crazy, obsessive self inflected stress that usually makes this "mental labor" so exhuasting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this crap can be eliminated. You’re doing this to yourself. Your kids don’t need to be in constant camps or enrolled in multiple activities at once. They don’t need birthday parties beyond a cake at home. Stop doing silly extraneous stuff, learn how to say no sometimes, and chill out.

Huh. So my child doesn't need chilcare in the summer! Imagine that. I guess we don't need to pay our mortgage, go to the dentist, clean the gutters, schedule the house cleaners, open a 529, rotate summer and winter clothes, attend school academic meetings, see family .... and as for the birthday party, who is going to at least send out invitations to the party and get the cake?

[Anonymous]

This is why it doesn't work.. DW sees trash can is full and asks husband to take out the trash so DH takes out the trash. But DW is really still annoyed at DH because she's doesn't understand why DH doesn't enjoy doing so. I said this to my DW once and she confirmed, "yes, I want you to take out the trash because you WANT to take out the trash"... so it's not enough that you physically take out the trash gentlemen, you have to want to do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had luck getting their DH to take on more of the household tasks such as updating shopping lists, arranging camps for children, finding a pediatrician, planning a party or meals for the week -- things that require research and planning?

For those who do not know what I'm talking about, it's called women's invisible labor, and it's been widely discussed in the news media -- for example, http://time.com/money/4561314/women-work-home-gender-gap/

When I discuss with DH, he gets defensive. He points out that he does more than most men, and he points out all the things he does, as if I'm attacking him. I just need him to take on a greater load of executive functioning tasks. I've bowed out of certain areas, and then nothing happens in those areas (and they are important tasks related to school, home maintenance, and our family relations.) We both work full-time, and I'm tired.

Has anyone found a good way to get a man to take on more of the mental workload required to run a home and a family? I am interested in very practical approaches. I am not asking my DH to do things perfectly. I'm OK with stepping back and letting him do things his way. I just can't continue to be the one who has to remember and delegate and remind. Thank you!

Put it all on a big list and divide up. Eventually it should be more fluid where you both know what needs to be done and ppl proactively do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this crap can be eliminated. You’re doing this to yourself. Your kids don’t need to be in constant camps or enrolled in multiple activities at once. They don’t need birthday parties beyond a cake at home. Stop doing silly extraneous stuff, learn how to say no sometimes, and chill out.

Huh. So my child doesn't need chilcare in the summer! Imagine that. I guess we don't need to pay our mortgage, go to the dentist, clean the gutters, schedule the house cleaners, open a 529, rotate summer and winter clothes, attend school academic meetings, see family .... and as for the birthday party, who is going to at least send out invitations to the party and get the cake?

Okay, how many times are you going to the dentist and cleaning the gutters? Get a life, martyr lady. And when you’re on your weekly phone call with grandma, say hey, we are having cake for Snowflake next week. No invitations necessary, again, the martyr sh*t. You’re not helping your cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sharing chores fine. But men don't see the need to share the burden of crazy, obsessive self inflected stress that usually makes this "mental labor" so exhuasting

like child raising. who has time to think or do that stuff. clothes, food, programs, schools, bday parties, teeth, wellness checks, play dates (how weird!), car seats, sports.
all kids need is a sandwich and a bicycle. and send them to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men take on the mental burden to provide and protect their families. They feel the pressure and responsibility for their family's economic well being, housing, and for keeping the family safe.

Are you joking?

No kidding. Everyone knows packing is soooooo much more difficult

I know some families where the woman is the provider and the man stays at home. You know what the biggest complain from these women are...I do not like the responsibility of being the provider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this crap can be eliminated. You’re doing this to yourself. Your kids don’t need to be in constant camps or enrolled in multiple activities at once. They don’t need birthday parties beyond a cake at home. Stop doing silly extraneous stuff, learn how to say no sometimes, and chill out.

Huh. So my child doesn't need chilcare in the summer! Imagine that. I guess we don't need to pay our mortgage, go to the dentist, clean the gutters, schedule the house cleaners, open a 529, rotate summer and winter clothes, attend school academic meetings, see family .... and as for the birthday party, who is going to at least send out invitations to the party and get the cake?

Okay, how many times are you going to the dentist and cleaning the gutters? Get a life, martyr lady. And when you’re on your weekly phone call with grandma, say hey, we are having cake for Snowflake next week. No invitations necessary, again, the martyr sh*t. You’re not helping your cause.

It obviously all adds up. The fact that you deny that shows the precise issue ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this crap can be eliminated. You’re doing this to yourself. Your kids don’t need to be in constant camps or enrolled in multiple activities at once. They don’t need birthday parties beyond a cake at home. Stop doing silly extraneous stuff, learn how to say no sometimes, and chill out.

Huh. So my child doesn't need chilcare in the summer! Imagine that. I guess we don't need to pay our mortgage, go to the dentist, clean the gutters, schedule the house cleaners, open a 529, rotate summer and winter clothes, attend school academic meetings, see family .... and as for the birthday party, who is going to at least send out invitations to the party and get the cake?

Mommy martyr, mommy martyr! LULZ!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this crap can be eliminated. You’re doing this to yourself. Your kids don’t need to be in constant camps or enrolled in multiple activities at once. They don’t need birthday parties beyond a cake at home. Stop doing silly extraneous stuff, learn how to say no sometimes, and chill out.

Huh. So my child doesn't need chilcare in the summer! Imagine that. I guess we don't need to pay our mortgage, go to the dentist, clean the gutters, schedule the house cleaners, open a 529, rotate summer and winter clothes, attend school academic meetings, see family .... and as for the birthday party, who is going to at least send out invitations to the party and get the cake?

Who wanted the kids more? Why did you have kids with a lazy man?

[Anonymous]

shouldn't the responsibility for labor be proportionate to each parents contribution to the HHI?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:shouldn't the responsibility for labor be proportionate to each parents contribution to the HHI?

I think you mean inversely proportionate