Reply to Husband overseas/deployed- my role with inlaws?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, if you need help, you need to recognize that that is a favor, and treat it as such. Instead of open-ended invites like "you can come visit anytime," be CLEAR and ASK:

"It would be so great if you could come visit next weekend. The kids would love to see you. I'll be honest--it would be a huge help to have an extra set of hands so that I could tackle a few closet clean-outs. And Mary, if you could bring your famous lasagna, I can't tell you how wonderful that would be. It's really hard with Jeff being gone."

Don't act like it's a favor to them to see your kids--I know it's wonderful for them to see them, but them driving to you doesn't make their lives easier, you know? I just get the sense like you feel very put-upon when it doesn't need to be that way. With some simple, clear communication, you could make it known that you would really appreciate some help with the kids.[/quote]

You guys are really nice to the point of being doormats. OP doesn’t really want to see them - although it’s kind of unclear whether or not she wants their help. And now not only does she need to have them over but also make sure they feel properly appreciated?!?!

[/quote]

Oh, please. Here's what: it's *not all about OP.* It's also about grandkids and, to an extent, DH. I'm sure DH would feel better coming home to relatively calm family dynamics vs. fraught family dynamics.

And, I'm sorry, any time someone is asking for a meal or for someone else to take on the burden of traveling? Yeah, that's a favor. It's a favor that should be right there and relied-upon from family, but you still need to politely ask, not grumpily and resentfully expect. Does my cousin who just had her fourth child absolutely know she can count on me to give her an extra hand with some meals and some child care? Yes. But does she still politely ASK ME for these favors? Yes, because she knows and respects that I'm a busy working mom, too. She doesn't take me for granted, even while she is leaning on me. [/quote]

But it can be about what OP needs while her husband is deployed. She doesn’t need to bend over backwards for the grandparents. They need to take some responsibility, too. It shouldn’t be a “burden” on the grandparents to travel to visit their grandkids! [/quote]

And how's it going so far, hmm? Not well? What can change--will the ILs wake up one morning and magically understand that they need to take the initiative to help and the burden of doing all the traveling?

Or maybe--and I know this is crazy--OP can *directly and politely ask for the specific helps that she needs.* You know, like a grown-up?[/quote]
Or OP can continue to go on about her life and not feel bad about it. Only OP can answer whether she really wants their help. [/quote]

I think it's pretty obvious that OP wants the help. Read the thread.[/quote]

Page 4 “I don’t even really need their help”. [/quote]

NP.  But the whole point of her first post was that she is feeling ignored by her inlaws and seems to want them to do something … I agree that OP needs to make the effort to keep her inlaws involved just so her kids are able to maintain a tie to their father.  I know OP feels that isn't her job to help her kids maintain that tie but it really is![/quote]

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