Reply to Husband overseas/deployed- my role with inlaws?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

Maybe we have very different in laws, but mine would not be a matter of simply opening the door and sending them to the zoo or whatever. I would have to pack a bag, plan the days activities, move car seats and instruct them how to use, dress and sunscreen kids, feed in laws dinner. Maybe some of yours come in self sufficient, but I highly doubt it’s as simple as opening the door and getting a break. Seems like it would be loads easier to keep to her normal routine - routine is what gets me through deployments. Suddenly these in laws who dont even initiate communication are going to come in and plan a fun day for the kids?  Unless they are used to taking the kids on a frequent basis, it’s probably going to create extra work for OP. [/quote]

[b]The only way the grandparents can get used to taking the kids is by starting somewhere.  Yes, the first time or two or three might involve some hand-holding on OP's part, but that isn't a reason to just not do it. 
[/b]
Your in-laws can probably be more self-sufficient than you realize.  You have set certain expectations to how they deal with being in your home and now they behave accordingly.  I'm sure if you didn't feed your in-laws dinner they wouldn't starve, they are adults.   They are even adults who raised your husband. [b] They can figure things out if you give them the space to do so.[/b] [/quote]

OP, you would be wise to pay attention to this post.  Yes, you will need to make a lot of effort the first few times until everyone is comfortable with the transition. But it will pay off if you make the effort.  And be ready for your inlaws to do things a little differently than you do.  It will all be okay![/quote]

I think this assumes your in laws are teachable/healthy/reasonable people. Which for many of us, they aren’t. It doesn’t matter how much effort I put into it, or how tolerant I am of my MIL doing things differently, unfortunately she is never going to be mentally stable enough to come in and babysit alone. Grandparents on the other side are not physically able and one not teachable (for example refuses to use car seat properly). So for some of us, it will always be a chore that doesn’t have much return. And it is what it is. But no, it won’t always “all be okay”. It’s also ok to step back from those duties if you need to during deployment. 
The people who had good relationships with their in laws before deployment will likely keep in close contact. People who had not so great relationships probably won’t. And the deployed spouses are also to blame for unhealthy relationships going in. I don’t feel like it’s up to the spouse at home to have to try to fix it on their own.  [/quote]

I see your point.  I hope you see mine.  In any relationship you have to accept people the way they are.  There is no magic pill to give other people to make them into mini-me's or to turn them into "perfect" creatures.  So unless the in-laws are violent criminals or will impart physical/emotional harm then many times it is better to ignore their little quirks for the sake of your family.

I didn't start out with a good relationship with my in-laws. They were and still do just drive me nuts.  But I met them where they are because it was important to me that the people who loved my husband and children stay involved in their lives.  So I took a lot [i]of what I considered [/i]crap.  Now I have in-laws who are vital parts of my children's lives.  My children are better off for it, which is great because imo [i]no child can have too many people love him/her[/i].  I certainly would have been much happier if I had been left alone in my little fiefdom where it was my way or the highway.  My life would have been much easier for me!  But my kids are better off now because I made the effort to keep my in-laws involved.  I think a big part of that is because me and my ego stepped out of the way so that my kids could have more people love them.

I also agree with your point about the deployed spouse and their relationship with their parents.  That doesn't seem to be the case here or at least OP hasn't mentioned it (although now she might because that seems to be her way).  But since her husband is deployed then, yes, it does become OP's responsibility to maintain that relationship for her kids sake.[/quote]

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