Our home is a mess. I am thinking of leaving

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, your husband sounds like mine. Finally got him diagnosed with ADHD at Stixrud and it all makes more sense. I still cannot stand sharing a home and life with him and I do most of the work that requires executive functioning skills, but at least now I know that he is literally not capable of doing the work. His brain does not work that way. I mostly work around him, and I am filing for divorce due to the miserable prognosis of a future with him, but I also plan to continue doing most of the work. It is not the kids’ fault. If one parent has low standards, they are not magically going to be different when they are wth him. I think it will be easier in separate households. It’s too confusing to kids when parents standards are so different under one roof.

[Anonymous]

I just picture this dad and the kids, kicked back and relaxing after a busy day at work, school, activities, errand running. Then the Ominous Black Cloud walks through the door threatening to rain all over them......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it looks like you bailed out of your family several years ago. And now you are really surprised?

+1

OP left long ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a mess. If the genders were reversed and it was workaholic dad judging less than perfect mom...it would be a completely different discussion.


It is also bizarre how many people have this black and white line about me and women. All men are terrible fathers and terrible at home and every mother has a perfect home with perfect kids.

Really you have never met a two income family where mom is home more but she doesn't get a home cooked meal on the table every night? Where the house gets messy or laundry falls behind? Where homework gets rushed or gets left to the kid to be responsible for (especially at the ages in the OP)?

So many seem to be giving mom a free pass since she works more - all at home is dad's problem. Yet every post about dad works late, I do everything turns into what a loser dad is and how dad needs to step up.

This thread is just weird.

Almost like it’s not true. It’s not even a very good troll thread.

[Anonymous]

Troll thread: mysoginistic man or resentful woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, they are your kids and it sounds like you didn’t bother to do any parenting but just blame your also-working spouse. You were barely there for your kids heir whole life and now you really want to not be there. Why did you have kids?

I come home and scramble. Dinner, homework, teeth, clothes.
If I were a working man, 8 pm would be just fine. My husband can't do what I do at home, and he can't do what I do at work.

No, working men don't all come home at 8. Most don't in fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post stayed with me last night. I kinda wonder if dad is actually doing a great job, despite an alternately enabling and undermining spouse.

Are their grades really terrible, or just imperfect?

Is the house really messy, or is it just not tv clean?

Even if dad earns less, is his income an important share of the family's total?

Yup.

[Anonymous]

If you can afford it, a regular housekeeper and after school nanny to oversee homework and a few chores.

No more manicures etc until grades are acceptable and chores are done regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the similar situation: husband is a fed, I work 50-70 hours/week. The difference is I run my family. I stayed with my kids at home 1-2 years when they were young, I disciplined them early and taught them good eating habits. We never had any electronic games at home and no cable. Smart phone was given only at the high school, middle school and elementary school kids are still using flip phones for the phone calls only. Either DH or I always checked the homework up to 3rd-4th grade and then kids did everything on their own. They doing great in the school (every single A for years, and taking very challenging classes in the high school). Each kids assigned a chore (we don't pay them for chores ), so when I get home, kitchen floor is swept, counters wiped, dog is walked, etc. Older kid is cooking now and cooks 2 dinners a week, so I cook only on the weekend, DH cooks once and we order sometimes. The key to this schedule is to prepare everyone (including the husband), and then it is function very well.

So, basically you are admitting you don't do much.

Not at this point of my life. When I work 70 hours week, I don't have time, energy for cleaning, cooking, homework, etc. But I worked hard when the kids were young. I breastfed them for more than a year each and as a result my kids don't have any allergies, they don't get flu or cold, no other ADHDs or ADDs. I spent a lot of time with them when they were young and prepared them well for the life. My kids always get complements about how mature they are. It didn't come by itself. I put a lot of time, efforts and energy into the early child development. They are fluent in three languages since they were young.

My point is that before you jump to the jobs like OPs or mine, you need to prepare the family. I always praise my kids for how much they doing and remind them that I would not be able to work at this job if not for their help. And they know that it is my job that allows us those little luxuries like travel, nice cars, healthy foods, etc. My kids doing much more than average teenagers, and I am very grateful for that. Older kids drive younger to the aftershcool activities, playdates, etc. They take our dog to the vet when needed. They cook, bake and do the grocery shopping runs all the time. I would never ever feel comfortable working those hours knowing that my kids need me or struggle at some areas. I would be back by their side, not sitting in the office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a disaster.

It's not okay for men to be absentee parents and it's not okay for you to be an absentee parent.

You are absent and this is what you get for being derelict in your responsibilities.

Its not ok to have a cush job that you get out after 5 hours and have your wife carry the load.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a disaster.

It's not okay for men to be absentee parents and it's not okay for you to be an absentee parent.

You are absent and this is what you get for being derelict in your responsibilities.

Its not ok to have a cush job that you get out after 5 hours and have your wife carry the load.

+1

Op isn't carrying the load. Op is expecting her dh to carry the load. Her dh seems to be doing what he wants to do is not the one complaining. The kids aren't complaining. Op is the one who is complaining.

I''m not saying that her standards are wrong. But they are her standards and she needs to either find a way to do a better job, herself (texting kids to check on schoolwork, giving them a chore list). Or she needs to look into hiring some of the domestic chores done so that her husband can focus on schoolwork and other more personal aspects (like grooming, clothes shopping), assuming he is willing to do that.

But treating her husband like a disobedient, low level hire in her home is not the answer. Obviously that has not been working. Time to try a different approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work hard long hours at a job that I am not in love with, and I out earn my husband.
He works fewer hours (federal) and he has been charged with a lot of childcare, plus we use various sitters. We are comfortable.
I often come home to a house of chaos. Kids doing poorly in school, no chores to speak of, they sit in front of TV and video games all day long then remember at 9 pm that they have tests and homework. Poor grades. Ages 11-14.
They are spoiled. They have had all the stuff. Phones, Disney, private coaching, manicures, new clothes, you name it. Their father takes them out to dinner if they don't like what I've cooked.
I am tried. I have heard that many of these psuedo stay at home dads are disasters when it comes to the child care. But I don't even care about that issue. He seems to have a different set of values than mine. He is as educated, but not as driven. He actually seems to want the kids to do badly in school and life.
I remember watching that movie Mrs. Doubtfire, and I could relate to the scene where the mother walks into the house on the child's birthday, only to see some crazy party with kids dancing on the table. I told my husband that I felt like her, and he just laughed.
Anyway, it feels bad to be the only one in the house who works hard. They all sit of their duffs and relax all day long. Their teeth are filthy, their rooms are filthy. The only reason they bathe is because they are afraid of being called on BO by their friends.
I spoke with a friend who just divorced her husband for the same issues. A year later, she has no regrets. We've done counseling and it has been a waste.
Divorce would mean financial ruin.
Interestingly, I am thinking of divorce and asking him to take the kids, I am so not happy with their behavior.
I feel like he used me.

You've already left.

Get a different job and start being the parent your children need and deserve. Someone has to and you've seen DH isn't up to the task. Even if you make less money, you're responsible for raising your children and they're depending on you to do that well; no excuses.

I'm not saying it'll be easy, just that it's necessary. So, quit bitching and feeling sorry for yourself. You've got real and important work to get to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the similar situation: husband is a fed, I work 50-70 hours/week. The difference is I run my family. I stayed with my kids at home 1-2 years when they were young, I disciplined them early and taught them good eating habits. We never had any electronic games at home and no cable. Smart phone was given only at the high school, middle school and elementary school kids are still using flip phones for the phone calls only. Either DH or I always checked the homework up to 3rd-4th grade and then kids did everything on their own. They doing great in the school (every single A for years, and taking very challenging classes in the high school). Each kids assigned a chore (we don't pay them for chores ), so when I get home, kitchen floor is swept, counters wiped, dog is walked, etc. Older kid is cooking now and cooks 2 dinners a week, so I cook only on the weekend, DH cooks once and we order sometimes. The key to this schedule is to prepare everyone (including the husband), and then it is function very well.

So, basically you are admitting you don't do much.

Not at this point of my life. When I work 70 hours week, I don't have time, energy for cleaning, cooking, homework, etc. But I worked hard when the kids were young. I breastfed them for more than a year each and as a result my kids don't have any allergies, they don't get flu or cold, no other ADHDs or ADDs. I spent a lot of time with them when they were young and prepared them well for the life. My kids always get complements about how mature they are. It didn't come by itself. I put a lot of time, efforts and energy into the early child development. They are fluent in three languages since they were young.

My point is that before you jump to the jobs like OPs or mine, you need to prepare the family. I always praise my kids for how much they doing and remind them that I would not be able to work at this job if not for their help. And they know that it is my job that allows us those little luxuries like travel, nice cars, healthy foods, etc. My kids doing much more than average teenagers, and I am very grateful for that. Older kids drive younger to the aftershcool activities, playdates, etc. They take our dog to the vet when needed. They cook, bake and do the grocery shopping runs all the time. I would never ever feel comfortable working those hours knowing that my kids need me or struggle at some areas. I would be back by their side, not sitting in the office.

Off topic but I can’t believe how delusional and self-congratulatory this poster is. Really, you think your kids don’t have allergies or ADHD because you breastfed them? Shame on you for laying those conditions on the feet of other parents because you think they didn’t “work” as hard as you. Also, I breastfed my child for over a year and spent oodles of time with her and fed her all healthy unprocessed foods and she developed a rare autoimmune condition anyway. Shit happens and it’s no ones fault. I’m sure you’ll learn that lesson eventually but at your age you really should know better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you are using him. He is the only parent in the house and you are complaining how he does things. Reduce your hours and step up an due a parent. Hire a tutor and housekeeper.

+1 Throw money at this. Tutor, delivered meals, housekeeper or regular cleaning service. You are complaining most about what your husband is doing, not about him personally. If you still like him personally but want to shape things up without going broke hire people.

Not a housecleaner, you need a housekeeper who comes daily and serves asa household manager. One who can cook, move the laundry, organize your living areas, grocery shop. You might also consider hiring a specific type of home organizer to help with decluttering and setting up organization systems - one trained to work with the "chronically disorganized" (yes, that's a term!). I used Jill Lawrence, jillofalltradesdc.com, and there are others like her (Cleveland Park listserv has a few that advertise from time to time). I also love Lisa Ferguson of organize365.com - podcasts are free, and the "whole house organization" programs are nominal. Her website has great resources.

Your husband could also be suffering from depression and have a hard time facing these tasks and being the enforcer to the kids.

Setting down rules is hard and the kids will have tantrums and slam doors just like they did when they were ages 2-5, but you need to set new rules and expectations. December/January is a good time to do this.

Subscribe to OurPact and kill their phone apps until their homework is done.
Use a mesh wireless system (we have eero) and kill the wifi on their laptops and phones and iPads at 8pm every night (you can keep your devices active on the network).
No shower, no dinner, no homework = no phone tomorrow. Backtalk about that? No phone the next day either.
Don't like the dinner that is served? Have a bowl of Cheerios with milk, or yogurt with granola (and make and clean it up yourself).

I am in a similar situation only I am the one at home. It is very hard to be with the kids 6.5 hours and withstand all the bickering with one another, plus I'm in a car for about 3 hours straight most afternoons with practices and lessons. I do work full-time as a writer and researcher. DH comes home at 8 and blows his gasket after a long day with cranky clients and then gridlock traffic driving home. I have made clear to him that I need him to back me up on the rules about screens, homework, cleaning up, practicing, bickering. It's hard being the only enforcer.

Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you are using him. He is the only parent in the house and you are complaining how he does things. Reduce your hours and step up an due a parent. Hire a tutor and housekeeper.

+1 Throw money at this. Tutor, delivered meals, housekeeper or regular cleaning service. You are complaining most about what your husband is doing, not about him personally. If you still like him personally but want to shape things up without going broke hire people.

Not a housecleaner, you need a housekeeper who comes daily and serves asa household manager. One who can cook, move the laundry, organize your living areas, grocery shop. You might also consider hiring a specific type of home organizer to help with decluttering and setting up organization systems - one trained to work with the "chronically disorganized" (yes, that's a term!). I used Jill Lawrence, jillofalltradesdc.com, and there are others like her (Cleveland Park listserv has a few that advertise from time to time). I also love Lisa Ferguson of organize365.com - podcasts are free, and the "whole house organization" programs are nominal. Her website has great resources.

Your husband could also be suffering from depression and have a hard time facing these tasks and being the enforcer to the kids.

Setting down rules is hard and the kids will have tantrums and slam doors just like they did when they were ages 2-5, but you need to set new rules and expectations. December/January is a good time to do this.

Subscribe to OurPact and kill their phone apps until their homework is done.
Use a mesh wireless system (we have eero) and kill the wifi on their laptops and phones and iPads at 8pm every night (you can keep your devices active on the network).
No shower, no dinner, no homework = no phone tomorrow. Backtalk about that? No phone the next day either.
Don't like the dinner that is served? Have a bowl of Cheerios with milk, or yogurt with granola (and make and clean it up yourself).

I am in a similar situation only I am the one at home. It is very hard to be with the kids 6.5 hours and withstand all the bickering with one another, plus I'm in a car for about 3 hours straight most afternoons with practices and lessons. I do work full-time as a writer and researcher. DH comes home at 8 and blows his gasket after a long day with cranky clients and then gridlock traffic driving home. I have made clear to him that I need him to back me up on the rules about screens, homework, cleaning up, practicing, bickering. It's hard being the only enforcer.

Good luck!!

Correction: Lisa Woodruff