Our home is a mess. I am thinking of leaving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren't allowed to have an opinion on how your husband is managing (or not) the household since you've seemingly abdicated full responsibility of parenting your children.

Here's what you should do: dial it back at work or adjust your schedule. Leave at 6am so you can get home earlier. Or just come home early to actually interact with your kids and tackle another hour or so after they go to bed.

I have four kids, a demanding job and a wicked commute (sometimes 2 hours each way), but I haven't punted everything to my husband (who has a more flexible job and easier commute). We've set boundaries and established routines (despite 4 kids playing multiple sports/activities). We've also taught them to be independent and proactive. Our kids are not spoiled.

Why aren't your kids doing the laundry? Why aren't they cooking? My 10 year old knows how to make eggs, French toast, quesadillas, noodles, etc. And anyone who can read knows how to microwave a meal.

This is a good wake-up call for you and your husband. You need to regain control of your home, establish rules, and equip your kids to be self-sufficient. College is too far off for your oldest--think about the basic life skills she will need.

And if you desert your husband and kids, then you suck. Truly.

I totally agree with this post. Whatever the gender of the partners involved, both parents need to have responsibilities at home. Of course, when it's gone far enough off the rails that one partner feels justified in making the statement that more money = no responsibility at home, and the other partner clearly no longer cares, it's going to be a long road back to working together.

[Anonymous]

Leave for a week. Don't announce you are leaving or where you are going. Don't call. Text them to let them know you are safe and thinking about what to do in the future. When you return they will be ready to deal with some serious conditions.

[Anonymous]

Quit and take a lower paying job with less hours that gets you home at 5. Get rid of the phones, Disney, tutors, eating out. Move to a smaller place if you have to. Start being there for 50% of their time doing PARENTING. Supervise room cleaning, kids doing own laundry and chores, homework and cooking. You signed up for that job when you had kids. You need to grit your teeth and do it. Be the bad guy. Don't worry about dh's influence, your kids will respond to whoever shows up everyday AND provides structure/discipline. You only have 5 more years to push through and then you can go be a CEO or whatever you want. But make those 5 years count and do right by those kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quit and take a lower paying job with less hours that gets you home at 5. Get rid of the phones, Disney, tutors, eating out. Move to a smaller place if you have to. Start being there for 50% of their time doing PARENTING. Supervise room cleaning, kids doing own laundry and chores, homework and cooking. You signed up for that job when you had kids. You need to grit your teeth and do it. Be the bad guy. Don't worry about dh's influence, your kids will respond to whoever shows up everyday AND provides structure/discipline. You only have 5 more years to push through and then you can go be a CEO or whatever you want. But make those 5 years count and do right by those kids.

Apparently the dad didn't sign up for it too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quit and take a lower paying job with less hours that gets you home at 5. Get rid of the phones, Disney, tutors, eating out. Move to a smaller place if you have to. Start being there for 50% of their time doing PARENTING. Supervise room cleaning, kids doing own laundry and chores, homework and cooking. You signed up for that job when you had kids. You need to grit your teeth and do it. Be the bad guy. Don't worry about dh's influence, your kids will respond to whoever shows up everyday AND provides structure/discipline. You only have 5 more years to push through and then you can go be a CEO or whatever you want. But make those 5 years count and do right by those kids.

No, they won’t. If they kids can pick and choose between parental styles, they’ll pick the easier one every time. If her DH undermines what she does (let’s catch up on GoT together and get takeout instead of mom’s cooking) the kids will see right through it and know they can play parents off against each other. I’m the pp whose XDH smoked pot with my DS and told DS to ignore my requests to study when DS has Cs and Ds. Yes, kids like structure in general, but not necessarily in the form of being made to study instead of going out of tonight.

Not only is it horrible and isolating to be the only heavy in the house, it’s futile if DH is sending a completely different message.

[Anonymous]

What's your question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quit and take a lower paying job with less hours that gets you home at 5. Get rid of the phones, Disney, tutors, eating out. Move to a smaller place if you have to. Start being there for 50% of their time doing PARENTING. Supervise room cleaning, kids doing own laundry and chores, homework and cooking. You signed up for that job when you had kids. You need to grit your teeth and do it. Be the bad guy. Don't worry about dh's influence, your kids will respond to whoever shows up everyday AND provides structure/discipline. You only have 5 more years to push through and then you can go be a CEO or whatever you want. But make those 5 years count and do right by those kids.

No, they won’t. If they kids can pick and choose between parental styles, they’ll pick the easier one every time. If her DH undermines what she does (let’s catch up on GoT together and get takeout instead of mom’s cooking) the kids will see right through it and know they can play parents off against each other. I’m the pp whose XDH smoked pot with my DS and told DS to ignore my requests to study when DS has Cs and Ds. Yes, kids like structure in general, but not necessarily in the form of being made to study instead of going out of tonight.

Not only is it horrible and isolating to be the only heavy in the house, it’s futile if DH is sending a completely different message.

Should add, this couple needs to get on the same page, through counseling if necessary. Her changing jobs could help, but it won’t help much if he continues to undermine her.

[Anonymous]

OP is, most likely, a troll, but I'll bite.

A very similar situation went on for 13 years in my sister-in-law's house. She married a guy with Asperger's and had two boys with him, one on the spectrum, and another one just unmotivated. SIL was the main breadwinner in the family while her trust-funder husband just sat around the house all day claiming to have some freelancing gig, while the kids ran amok, completely out of control. The oldest threw fits and tantrums on a regular basis (they finally had him medicated when he was in middle school) while the youngest played video games in the basement all day long and almost failed pretty much every year of elementary school. There was no structure and discipline in the house whatsoever. Somehow, my sister-in-law thought things will work themselves out..

And then disaster stuck. SIL had cancer and died 4 years after being diagnosed leaving her inept husband and teenage children behind. When the tragedy happened, DH and I were seriously concerned about the welfare of the kids, but BIL's side of the family stepped in. His mother found tutors for the youngest and a therapist for the oldest, they arranged for a cleaning and a landscaping service. According to BIL, for the first time in 13 years of parenting, he uttered the world 'Homework' -- and the kids' grades are now better than ever, the youngest is signed up for afterschool activities and the kids somewhat behave. I don't know why it took a tragedy for BIL to see his parenting mistakes (I'd hate to blame my late SIL, but, boy, what was she doing and thinking while she was still alive and well? Why wasn't she paying attention to her own children?). It sounds pretty cynical, but with SIL gone, the rest of the family had a cart-blanche to intervene and that intervention has benefited the kids immensely - but, unfortunately, no good grades can mitigate the fact that they are motherless now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is, most likely, a troll, but I'll bite.

A very similar situation went on for 13 years in my sister-in-law's house. She married a guy with Asperger's and had two boys with him, one on the spectrum, and another one just unmotivated. SIL was the main breadwinner in the family while her trust-funder husband just sat around the house all day claiming to have some freelancing gig, while the kids ran amok, completely out of control. The oldest threw fits and tantrums on a regular basis (they finally had him medicated when he was in middle school) while the youngest played video games in the basement all day long and almost failed pretty much every year of elementary school. There was no structure and discipline in the house whatsoever. Somehow, my sister-in-law thought things will work themselves out..

And then disaster stuck. SIL had cancer and died 4 years after being diagnosed leaving her inept husband and teenage children behind. When the tragedy happened, DH and I were seriously concerned about the welfare of the kids, but BIL's side of the family stepped in. His mother found tutors for the youngest and a therapist for the oldest, they arranged for a cleaning and a landscaping service. According to BIL, for the first time in 13 years of parenting, he uttered the world 'Homework' -- and the kids' grades are now better than ever, the youngest is signed up for afterschool activities and the kids somewhat behave. I don't know why it took a tragedy for BIL to see his parenting mistakes (I'd hate to blame my late SIL, but, boy, what was she doing and thinking while she was still alive and well? Why wasn't she paying attention to her own children?). It sounds pretty cynical, but with SIL gone, the rest of the family had a cart-blanche to intervene and that intervention has benefited the kids immensely - but, unfortunately, no good grades can mitigate the fact that they are motherless now.

The misogyny in this thread is incredible.

Instead of blaming the late SIL--whose cancer probably resulted from the stress of having to be the only mature adult in her household--let's look at the situation for what it is:
1. SIL, being a mature and responsible adult, went to work everyday to provide for her family.
2. During this time, her worthless husband did jack shit as a parent despite not having a job which is to say that he failed to be a full and competent partner. Think of it this way, hypocrites: if we were talking about a husband with a Wall Street job, we all know that you'd be all over his wife for neglecting her parental duties, and no one would ever suggest that the husband should do anything hands-on for his kids, or change jobs, or come home earlier, or whatever, much less be blamed for "not paying attention to [his] own children."
3. SIL dies, and worthless husband's *mother* (a woman) and extended relatives intervene.

In other words, the worthless husband *still* doesn't step up even after his kids' mom dies. And the cherry on top? The poster I'm quoting actually blames the dead SIL for all of the problems. I bet that if the SIL had asked her worthless husband's family members for help while she was still alive, they all would have defended worthless husband, and nothing would have changed. No. Worthless husband is an adult, full stop. As such, he, like everyone else, is obligated to take on the adult responsibilities--such as raising his own kids--that he creates for himself.
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And as for the OP's situation, again, some applied critical thinking instead of knee-jerk misogyny might help to clarify the situation:

1. OP works long hours.
2. Spouse works from home at least 2-3x/week and 5 days a week is done at 3. Doesn't set standards, waits for OP to come home to cook but then takes kids out for meals if they don't want to eat what the OP is cooking. Again, hypocrites: if the situation were reversed, you'd not only be critical of the wife who finishes work at 3, but you'd wonder why she isn't also responsible for cooking dinner. If I recall correctly, the kids in this scenario are 11 and 14: old enough that they shouldn't need 24/7 supervision and should be capable of managing age-appropriate responsibilities for themselves which arguably includes knowing that they have homework and taking it upon themselves to do it. In other words, what the fed dad should have to do in terms of managing the kids after school is absolutely minimal. The fact that he can't even do that is nothing less than pathetic. And for the record, stats show that in hetero households where both spouses have full-time jobs, moms still overwhelmingly do most of the childcare/cleaning/cooking. It's 2017. Anyone whining about how the fed dad has to shoulder more of the supervisory care should stop whining if they also aren't complaining about the labor imbalances that typify most households.