Our home is a mess. I am thinking of leaving

[Anonymous]

You know what? I am a fed. I work about 40 hours a week. It is a lot - especially if you are also responsible for a bunch of child care.

We both are feds working those hours (except when we work more). We pay someone to clean the house every two weeks. We pay someone to cut the lawn. I'm not complaining because life is pretty good, but it is a full life and a busy one. We are tired sometimes.

Sounds to me like you want no responsibility.

By 8:00 we are all sitting on our duffs.

[Anonymous]

OP, your kids need clothing. Go online and buy them.

[Anonymous]

I watched this happen to my sister's family- She traveled for work all the time and the SAH dad let everything slide at home. The kids finished high school and 2 out of 3 are working in super markets. It's awful!
YOU need to change things- Shut off the funds/credit cards for DH, take out the electronics- tell them things go away if they don't get school work, etc. done and FOLLOW through. Don't give up on your children.

[Anonymous]

Get a part time job, OP and tune in to your family. Stop throwing money at everything and expecting it to be fixed for you. What good is more money when all it does is spoil your kids with more useless junk that they don’t need? Step up and parent your kids and get them on the right track now, before they become teens, because it only gets harder otherwise.

Ask your children’s doctor or guidance counselor for recommendations for parenting classes and both you and your DH should go and get on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Your DH works. It is irrelevant that you work longer hours and earn more money. Now, would it be nice if he could get his act together and maintain the household appropriately - absolutely!! However you share some responsibility - which I think you realize. You are Mom and parenting doesn’t all fall on DH. First things first- you should be able to come home earlier to spend more time with your kids.

[Anonymous]

It's not fair that your husband isn't a true partner in the way you need and want, but since he's not, you need to figure out a way to change the situation.

You can do lots of things...hire an after school nanny who is TOUGH and will make the kids do homework, eliminate screen time, make dinner etc and not cave when they wine and complain. DH needs to be 100% on board for this to work. You need someone who's a mom not a friend or employee. Those people are you there and you need to interview for it.

Another option is to take everything out of the kids rooms but the bed, clothes and whatever they need for doing homework. They EARN THEM BACK one by one as their grades go up, hygiene improves, actual real food gets eaten (demerits every time they go out to eat.)

You make lists for every person: DH, Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3, Mom etc. Everyone has a list of stuff they MUST do every day...eating properly, showering, brushing/flossing, homework, Tasks 1-5 around the house etc. Then there's another separate weekly chart of stuff that gets done less often, like laundry, vacuuming, trash/recycling, scrubbing the toilet and tub etc.

No one gets any spending money, electronics back, screen time, etc until the lists are completed every day. Have one day a week where you all eat out together, as a family. No one goes to bed until the list is done. If you have to donate the TV to goodwill, then do it. IF you have to disconnect cable/wifi then do it. You can always add it back later. DH needs to be put on a strict allowance and I agree with PP who said you need to cut off his credit card/debit card access. Get a prepaid card with grocery money loaded on it or whatever. You need to reign him in if he doesn't have the willpower to do it himself.

If you want to divorce, then do it for your sanity, but put forth maximum effort first, and I'd start by going nuclear with the the TV, electronics and all spending that's not necessary for life. (No manicures until the grades are at least a 3.5 for instance.) I'd buy 1-2 Xmas presents only and they'd be functional stuff like clothes and books. No toys or electronics. You have the power to fix this, even if it means you quit your job and get something with better hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids need clothing. Go online and buy them.

What are you talking about? She said her kids are spoiled and have tons of new clothes, manicures, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids need clothing. Go online and buy them.

What are you talking about? She said her kids are spoiled and have tons of new clothes, manicures, etc.[/qu

The son with pants too small.she needs to go through her kids clothes and donate the one that's too small....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids are neglected. I say this as a neglected child of two successful physicians, both of whom likely had an autism spectrum disorder. My dad meant well but was like a child emotionally and would either scream at us or try to be friends with us because he was lonely, and my mom was just so introverted and burnt out by the end of the day she had no idea how to nurture us or protect us from our dad.

I frequently went to school unwashed in ill fitting clothes. I did my school work but my brother with (untreated) LD and ADHD just didn't. We had no manners. We were socially awkward. We ate crappy junk food. But we lived in a big house and everyone knew we had money so no one helped us.

Anyway, my advice is that you hire some sort of nanny/house manager. Someone older who has raised kids who can implement the structure your kids need and be the "executive function" for what needs to get done.

This sounds like good advice OP. You really need someone to be in charge of the kids when you are not there, preferably an older person who is experienced but still has energy to deal with this situation.
Save money by cutting down on all the "stuff" if you have to.

[Anonymous]

Op. You are their mother. Most schools post grades/assignments electronically now. Start to make it a habit to check their grades every day. If you see a low grade or an assignment missing - text your kid to find out what happened.

As far as chores go, make up a chore list. If the chores don't get done, privileges get taken away.

MS/HS kids are not sitting at home on their ass all day, btw. They go to school, they usually have activities after school too. A man that is working at his federal job every day is also not at home goofing off - he is working.

My guess is, that between activities and errands, your husband and the kids have less time to get things done than you think that they do. Your husband is working a full time job and has pretty much all of the kid duty in your household. That's a lot.

[Anonymous]

Tell them effective in the new year your house needs to run a lot more smoothly and successfully. You'll be using the discretionary income on housekeepers, food services, laundry, etc. to make sure that happens. Remind DH that the more work that gets done at home, the more that discretionary income can be used for fun things. Leave it at that. Kids need a kick in the pants for school success. Remind them that academic success is important for them to be able to participate in extracurriculars. If the school doesn't restrict, do it yourself. Remind them that low grades will have them in summer classes instead of fun summer camps. If things don't look up in a few months, don't be aftraid to ditch cable and cut computer access.

[Anonymous]

It is unlikely a house manager can straighten this out. Less hours and be home at 4 PM for at least 6 months. This plan is going to take time and effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not fair that your husband isn't a true partner in the way you need and want, but since he's not, you need to figure out a way to change the situation.

You can do lots of things...hire an after school nanny who is TOUGH and will make the kids do homework, eliminate screen time, make dinner etc and not cave when they wine and complain. DH needs to be 100% on board for this to work. You need someone who's a mom not a friend or employee. Those people are you there and you need to interview for it.

Another option is to take everything out of the kids rooms but the bed, clothes and whatever they need for doing homework. They EARN THEM BACK one by one as their grades go up, hygiene improves, actual real food gets eaten (demerits every time they go out to eat.)

You make lists for every person: DH, Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3, Mom etc. Everyone has a list of stuff they MUST do every day...eating properly, showering, brushing/flossing, homework, Tasks 1-5 around the house etc. Then there's another separate weekly chart of stuff that gets done less often, like laundry, vacuuming, trash/recycling, scrubbing the toilet and tub etc.

No one gets any spending money, electronics back, screen time, etc until the lists are completed every day. Have one day a week where you all eat out together, as a family. No one goes to bed until the list is done. If you have to donate the TV to goodwill, then do it. IF you have to disconnect cable/wifi then do it. You can always add it back later. DH needs to be put on a strict allowance and I agree with PP who said you need to cut off his credit card/debit card access. Get a prepaid card with grocery money loaded on it or whatever. You need to reign him in if he doesn't have the willpower to do it himself.

If you want to divorce, then do it for your sanity, but put forth maximum effort first, and I'd start by going nuclear with the the TV, electronics and all spending that's not necessary for life. (No manicures until the grades are at least a 3.5 for instance.) I'd buy 1-2 Xmas presents only and they'd be functional stuff like clothes and books. No toys or electronics. You have the power to fix this, even if it means you quit your job and get something with better hours.

Holy shit. If a man came on to this site to bitch about his wife who worked a fed job for 40 hours a week, there is no effing way that DCUMers would tell him to cut her off from the credit cards. It’s not like he’s sitting on his butt all day, he makes a salary. He needs support- either from his wife or hired. No parent should have beat the brunt of childrearing. Man or woman. He’s been all but abandoned but you all want to cut off his access to his own money???

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, so sorry to hear what you are going through!

I think you should look at getting a job with fewer hours. If you can afford to outsource some things (like cooking, cleaning, etc), do that. Definitely impose some new rules and consequences for the kids in terms of their performance at home and at school. Expect it to be tough at the beginning.

Make sure you carve out some time for yourself, whether that is gym time during the week, or scheduling a monthly massage, mani/pedi, etc. You can't help anyone if you are stressed. Make yourself a priority.

Pick your battles when it comes to your husband. Decide what is really important to you in terms of the household, chores, etc, and let those things be the only 'hills to die on' so to speak.

[Anonymous]

You need a new job.