Our home is a mess. I am thinking of leaving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids are neglected. I say this as a neglected child of two successful physicians, both of whom likely had an autism spectrum disorder. My dad meant well but was like a child emotionally and would either scream at us or try to be friends with us because he was lonely, and my mom was just so introverted and burnt out by the end of the day she had no idea how to nurture us or protect us from our dad.

I frequently went to school unwashed in ill fitting clothes. I did my school work but my brother with (untreated) LD and ADHD just didn't. We had no manners. We were socially awkward. We ate crappy junk food. But we lived in a big house and everyone knew we had money so no one helped us.

Anyway, my advice is that you hire some sort of nanny/house manager. Someone older who has raised kids who can implement the structure your kids need and be the "executive function" for what needs to get done.

This. Should have done it years ago?, better late than never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids are neglected. I say this as a neglected child of two successful physicians, both of whom likely had an autism spectrum disorder. My dad meant well but was like a child emotionally and would either scream at us or try to be friends with us because he was lonely, and my mom was just so introverted and burnt out by the end of the day she had no idea how to nurture us or protect us from our dad.

I frequently went to school unwashed in ill fitting clothes. I did my school work but my brother with (untreated) LD and ADHD just didn't. We had no manners. We were socially awkward. We ate crappy junk food. But we lived in a big house and everyone knew we had money so no one helped us.

Anyway, my advice is that you hire some sort of nanny/house manager. Someone older who has raised kids who can implement the structure your kids need and be the "executive function" for what needs to get done.

Very good advice about hiring someone has experience capable of implementing structure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids are neglected. I say this as a neglected child of two successful physicians, both of whom likely had an autism spectrum disorder. My dad meant well but was like a child emotionally and would either scream at us or try to be friends with us because he was lonely, and my mom was just so introverted and burnt out by the end of the day she had no idea how to nurture us or protect us from our dad.

I frequently went to school unwashed in ill fitting clothes. I did my school work but my brother with (untreated) LD and ADHD just didn't. We had no manners. We were socially awkward. We ate crappy junk food. But we lived in a big house and everyone knew we had money so no one helped us.

Anyway, my advice is that you hire some sort of nanny/house manager. Someone older who has raised kids who can implement the structure your kids need and be the "executive function" for what needs to get done.

OP again. This post hits closer to home than I can admit. Everyone thinks we are all OK.

NP. Sounds like you need to take drastic action to save your kids, OP. Can you at least take an extended vacation or sabbatical to try to repair some of the damage, put some systems in place when it comes to discipline, homework, chores, housework, cooking?

But at a minimum, I'd agree that if you earn a ton then you should at least hire someone. It's bad enough for the parents to not be competent/involved, but when NO ONE is parenting the kids then that's a road that leads to all sorts of bad outcomes.

Another great comment about taking drastic measure to save the kids. Our hearts ache for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It shows stay-at-home fathers do 28 hours of housework a week, 19 hours of childcare and work for four hours; a total of 51 hours. In comparison, stay-at-home mothers do 37 hours of housework, 37 hours of childcare and work for one hour; a total of 75 hours.

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/victoria/stayathome-dads-carry-out-less-housework-childcare-study/news-story/575a5d041b077ee5165741e9209764eb

Stay-at-home fathers and working mothers spent 19 and 21 hours a week on childcare, respectively. These fathers did 28 hours of housework and working mothers did 23.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/may/16/stay-at-home-fathers-childcare-working-mothers-research-finds

I have seen countless mothers come home to fix what wasn't done while they were at work...

Kind of meaningless. It could also show that women just have silly expectations, or are inefficient, or claim to be doing household chores or childcare while they're actually chatting on the phone complaining to Larla about what a dumbass she married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you haven't been involved in rearing your children, and now you don't like how they turned out? LOL, ok.

Yup. You sound demented, lady. If you don’t like chaos, why did you have so many kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It shows stay-at-home fathers do 28 hours of housework a week, 19 hours of childcare and work for four hours; a total of 51 hours. In comparison, stay-at-home mothers do 37 hours of housework, 37 hours of childcare and work for one hour; a total of 75 hours.

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/victoria/stayathome-dads-carry-out-less-housework-childcare-study/news-story/575a5d041b077ee5165741e9209764eb

Stay-at-home fathers and working mothers spent 19 and 21 hours a week on childcare, respectively. These fathers did 28 hours of housework and working mothers did 23.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/may/16/stay-at-home-fathers-childcare-working-mothers-research-finds

I have seen countless mothers come home to fix what wasn't done while they were at work...

This is all irrelevant. Her DH works.

[Anonymous]

So your husband is a terrible parent, your kids are failures in training, but you want leave and let him have primary custody.

Tell us about the guy you're crushing on at work, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the similar situation: husband is a fed, I work 50-70 hours/week. The difference is I run my family. I stayed with my kids at home 1-2 years when they were young, I disciplined them early and taught them good eating habits. We never had any electronic games at home and no cable. Smart phone was given only at the high school, middle school and elementary school kids are still using flip phones for the phone calls only. Either DH or I always checked the homework up to 3rd-4th grade and then kids did everything on their own. They doing great in the school (every single A for years, and taking very challenging classes in the high school). Each kids assigned a chore (we don't pay them for chores ), so when I get home, kitchen floor is swept, counters wiped, dog is walked, etc. Older kid is cooking now and cooks 2 dinners a week, so I cook only on the weekend, DH cooks once and we order sometimes. The key to this schedule is to prepare everyone (including the husband), and then it is function very well.

So, basically you are admitting you don't do much.

I mean, besides teaching her children how to be self sufficient and be a team that helps run their household, no, she doesn't do much. Your attitude is how we end up with grown folks (you know, OPs DH) who are clueless about what needs to happen to make a household run efficiently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We've had tutors galore and house keepers. If I get home at 8 pm and they go to bed at 10:30 (yes), that gives me 2.5 hours with them. Assuming I have nothing else to do. He gets home at 3 (or earlier) and has 6.5 hours with them. He really is on the low end of the spectrum WRT household management. No initiative, no intuition. We are now thinking of getting a home maintenance contract because I am tired of reminding him to go things like call the gutter cleaners.
I told my oldest that sometimes, things simply don't work out. She asked why, and I simply said that I am just too tired.

That really seems like enough time to make sure teeth are brushed, check homework, and get your kids to shower.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are correct, and your husband has some kind of mental deficiency, then you are in the position of any spouse of someone with a chronic condition that affects his/her ability to fully function.

So, either you quit your high-hours job and take on more of the domestic work, or you hire someone to do that work. Complaining won't fix it if he truly CAN'T do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It shows stay-at-home fathers do 28 hours of housework a week, 19 hours of childcare and work for four hours; a total of 51 hours. In comparison, stay-at-home mothers do 37 hours of housework, 37 hours of childcare and work for one hour; a total of 75 hours.

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/victoria/stayathome-dads-carry-out-less-housework-childcare-study/news-story/575a5d041b077ee5165741e9209764eb

Stay-at-home fathers and working mothers spent 19 and 21 hours a week on childcare, respectively. These fathers did 28 hours of housework and working mothers did 23.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/may/16/stay-at-home-fathers-childcare-working-mothers-research-finds

I have seen countless mothers come home to fix what wasn't done while they were at work...

This is all irrelevant. Her DH works.

Yep, irrelevant. Op is just calling her husband a SAHD because he gets off work earlier and he has approx 4 more hours a day with them than she does. Not that she keeping count or anything.

[Anonymous]

Damn OP, just damn.

[Anonymous]

Raising kids is hard. You both work and have made your priorities. And priorities are not the kids. I know a lot of parents who work a lot and still are present parents when at home. If your DH is home couple of hours before you, kids are not JUST his responsibility, they are yours too. Even if he is SAHD you are still a parent too. And now you are once again trying to take the easy way out, leave. So, why do you think your kids will act any different at home than how parents act at home? You and your DH are lazy parents, and your kids are lazy kids. Sure you work hard at work, but they don't care about that, and they don't see that. They want present parents. How about doing something harder this time? And deciding to parent your kids?

[Anonymous]

This post stayed with me last night. I kinda wonder if dad is actually doing a great job, despite an alternately enabling and undermining spouse.

Are their grades really terrible, or just imperfect?

Is the house really messy, or is it just not tv clean?

Even if dad earns less, is his income an important share of the family's total?

[Anonymous]

This thread is a mess. If the genders were reversed and it was workaholic dad judging less than perfect mom...it would be a completely different discussion.


It is also bizarre how many people have this black and white line about me and women. All men are terrible fathers and terrible at home and every mother has a perfect home with perfect kids.

Really you have never met a two income family where mom is home more but she doesn't get a home cooked meal on the table every night? Where the house gets messy or laundry falls behind? Where homework gets rushed or gets left to the kid to be responsible for (especially at the ages in the OP)?

So many seem to be giving mom a free pass since she works more - all at home is dad's problem. Yet every post about dad works late, I do everything turns into what a loser dad is and how dad needs to step up.

This thread is just weird.