Our home is a mess. I am thinking of leaving

[Anonymous]

Haven't read the past 10 pages, but has someone else asked whether the responses would be different if it's govt-job mom getting home early and private sector dad thinking about leaving due to her not keeping the household in order?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We've had tutors galore and house keepers. If I get home at 8 pm and they go to bed at 10:30 (yes), that gives me 2.5 hours with them. Assuming I have nothing else to do. He gets home at 3 (or earlier) and has 6.5 hours with them. He really is on the low end of the spectrum WRT household management. No initiative, no intuition. We are now thinking of getting a home maintenance contract because I am tired of reminding him to go things like call the gutter cleaners.
I told my oldest that sometimes, things simply don't work out. She asked why, and I simply said that I am just too tired.

Why isn't your 14 year-old outside cleaning the gutters? She can get on a ladder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he takes them to restaurants instead of making them eat what she cooks is a big red flag.

Talk about spoiling and teaching entitlement! Plus he’s undermining her in more ways than the grades. He’s also basically saying to their kids, “I agree that mom’s cooking sucks, so let’s go to Olive Garden.” What a jerk.

OP needs to stop cooking crap no one wants to eat and focus on important things.

Don’t you have homework to do? Sure, we know you’d like to eat at Outback every night. But responsible parents don’t spoil their kids that way, and you have to get your vitamins and calories somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just picture this dad and the kids, kicked back and relaxing after a busy day at work, school, activities, errand running. Then the Ominous Black Cloud walks through the door threatening to rain all over them......

+1

That's what I thought.

I'm not the OP, but in her defense, there are certain objective things that make it clear that they aren't as busy as they should be at school. Like grades. I simply can't imagine treating my kids to things like manicures (!) when they don't even do their homework every day. If the grades were good and it was just OP's perception of a messy house, then I might be more inclined to lean the other way.

+1. If the grades are bad, then something needs to change. Calling OP Ominous Black Cloud is unhelpful and mean. Worse, it undermines her by making her the problem instead of the grades.

Op is walking into her house and wanting everything to be magically done already. When it isn't done already, she gets into a snit and her husband takes the kids out of the house and goes to dinner..probably to give her some space.

Ominous Black Cloud may sound mean but I will about bet you that that is the way her family feels when she walks through the door. Her husband has been tasked with everything from cleaning the house, to making sure his kids brush their teeth, to buying their clothes, to making sure their snacks aren't "junk".....and when that doesn't all get done to Op's standards, Op gets into a snit. And all that complaining that she does serves to undermine any authority her husband has over the kids - she pretty much diminishes him down to the level of errant child.

To fix this, Op is going to need to approach her husband as a grown up rather than an unruly subordinate.

Nope. OP wants some of these things to have been started, not necessarily finished. Where did OP say “finish”? Everybody with middle and high school kids knows that waiting until 8pm for dinner and then starting homework and whatever else is too late. If her kids are watching cable and getting manicures at the mall until 8pm, that’s actually a problem.

But hey, go ahead and denigrate the one person who seems concerned about it.

Op mentions that she comes home and cooks. If the kids and her husband to want to eat what she's making they go out to a restaurant.

I do not get the impression that Op is coming home, sitting down with the kids and helping them with homework. I don't believe that she has mentioned that she does help with schoolwork. Yet, the children's bad grades a worry to her.

These are MS/HS aged kids. Why not check their grades and assignments every day online. Then text them to remind them that they have a test to study for, a paper due, etc. When Op gets home she can quiz them on the test material, maybe look over a paper for grammatical errors.

Well she can’t cook and help with homework very well at the same time. She can tell them to start their homework, but that’s about it. Why isn’t this glaringly obvious? Then she finishes cooking and they finish eating, and it’s what, 9pm? And she’s exhausted, just like her spouse who’s apparently still on the couch. But maybe she does help a little with homework, until everybody goes to bed.

Yeah. But right now no one is doing anything about this. The thing to do is what I suggested - check the assignments/grades/upcoming tests online. Text kids and remind them to start their homework. Cook and eat dinner. Then check the kids' homework.

Maybe her spouse feels as though he's worked all day, did pick up/drop off duty with the kids, ran them around to their activities and now it's his wife's turn to pitch in and help out.

The one thing they aren't doing is working together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the past 10 pages, but has someone else asked whether the responses would be different if it's govt-job mom getting home early and private sector dad thinking about leaving due to her not keeping the household in order?

They BOTH need to get more involved. Having one parent involved and the other still doing nothing is a recipe for academic, marital and family relationship disaster. They need marital counseling, stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe that she gets home at 8 pm every night and makes dinner. Then if they don't like it they go out to dinner, at what, 9 pm?

Also don't believe her husband is home by three unless he goes to work super early.

He's tasked with making sure the kids are brushing their teeth and dressing appropriately for school so I'm guessing that he is also the one dropping them off at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe that she gets home at 8 pm every night and makes dinner. Then if they don't like it they go out to dinner, at what, 9 pm?

Also don't believe her husband is home by three unless he goes to work super early.

He's tasked with making sure the kids are brushing their teeth and dressing appropriately for school so I'm guessing that he is also the one dropping them off at school.

If he’s downtown at his Fed job by 7am, that’s not happening. Unless he drops them off at school at 6 or 6:30, depending on where they live, and the kids hang out until school opens at 7:30 earliest. Some buses come at 6:30 or 7:00 but he’s still already gone. She drops them off or they lock the door behind them and take a bus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just picture this dad and the kids, kicked back and relaxing after a busy day at work, school, activities, errand running. Then the Ominous Black Cloud walks through the door threatening to rain all over them......

+1

That's what I thought.

I'm not the OP, but in her defense, there are certain objective things that make it clear that they aren't as busy as they should be at school. Like grades. I simply can't imagine treating my kids to things like manicures (!) when they don't even do their homework every day. If the grades were good and it was just OP's perception of a messy house, then I might be more inclined to lean the other way.

+1. If the grades are bad, then something needs to change. Calling OP Ominous Black Cloud is unhelpful and mean. Worse, it undermines her by making her the problem instead of the grades.

Op is walking into her house and wanting everything to be magically done already. When it isn't done already, she gets into a snit and her husband takes the kids out of the house and goes to dinner..probably to give her some space.

Ominous Black Cloud may sound mean but I will about bet you that that is the way her family feels when she walks through the door. Her husband has been tasked with everything from cleaning the house, to making sure his kids brush their teeth, to buying their clothes, to making sure their snacks aren't "junk".....and when that doesn't all get done to Op's standards, Op gets into a snit. And all that complaining that she does serves to undermine any authority her husband has over the kids - she pretty much diminishes him down to the level of errant child.

To fix this, Op is going to need to approach her husband as a grown up rather than an unruly subordinate.

Nope. OP wants some of these things to have been started, not necessarily finished. Where did OP say “finish”? Everybody with middle and high school kids knows that waiting until 8pm for dinner and then starting homework and whatever else is too late. If her kids are watching cable and getting manicures at the mall until 8pm, that’s actually a problem.

But hey, go ahead and denigrate the one person who seems concerned about it.

Op mentions that she comes home and cooks. If the kids and her husband to want to eat what she's making they go out to a restaurant.

I do not get the impression that Op is coming home, sitting down with the kids and helping them with homework. I don't believe that she has mentioned that she does help with schoolwork. Yet, the children's bad grades a worry to her.

These are MS/HS aged kids. Why not check their grades and assignments every day online. Then text them to remind them that they have a test to study for, a paper due, etc. When Op gets home she can quiz them on the test material, maybe look over a paper for grammatical errors.

Well she can’t cook and help with homework very well at the same time. She can tell them to start their homework, but that’s about it. Why isn’t this glaringly obvious? Then she finishes cooking and they finish eating, and it’s what, 9pm? And she’s exhausted, just like her spouse who’s apparently still on the couch. But maybe she does help a little with homework, until everybody goes to bed.

Yeah. But right now no one is doing anything about this. The thing to do is what I suggested - check the assignments/grades/upcoming tests online. Text kids and remind them to start their homework. Cook and eat dinner. Then check the kids' homework.

Maybe her spouse feels as though he's worked all day, did pick up/drop off duty with the kids, ran them around to their activities and now it's his wife's turn to pitch in and help out.

The one thing they aren't doing is working together.

So a text comes in from Mom saying “I see online you have a C in English so do your homework.” Dad either doesn’t look up from Candy Crush or he rolls his eyes, because saying the words “do your homework” is too much for him in his exhausted state.

The kids feel stalked by mom and dad doesn’t care. Yeah, the kids are really going to respect that and act on it.

I don’t recall OP saying he took them to activities. Do they have activities, are the activities at school and they take the late bus home, who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe that she gets home at 8 pm every night and makes dinner. Then if they don't like it they go out to dinner, at what, 9 pm?

Also don't believe her husband is home by three unless he goes to work super early.

He's tasked with making sure the kids are brushing their teeth and dressing appropriately for school so I'm guessing that he is also the one dropping them off at school.

If he’s downtown at his Fed job by 7am, that’s not happening. Unless he drops them off at school at 6 or 6:30, depending on where they live, and the kids hang out until school opens at 7:30 earliest. Some buses come at 6:30 or 7:00 but he’s still already gone. She drops them off or they lock the door behind them and take a bus.

OP's husband works from home much of the time. she explained that at some point. so he is likely doing the drop off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yeah. But right now no one is doing anything about this. The thing to do is what I suggested - check the assignments/grades/upcoming tests online. Text kids and remind them to start their homework. Cook and eat dinner. Then check the kids' homework.

Maybe her spouse feels as though he's worked all day, did pick up/drop off duty with the kids, ran them around to their activities and now it's his wife's turn to pitch in and help out.

The one thing they aren't doing is working together.

He’s not too exhausted to pack everybody in the minivan and buy them dinner at 9pm, yet he can’t manage to utter a few words telling the kids to start their homework? Something’s off here.

(And doesn’t this family know about home delivery, even if you accept that kids have a right to refuse mom’s home cooked meals?)

[Anonymous]

You text your kid - "You have a C in English and it appears that you haven't turned in 3 assignments. What happened?"

Kid answers: I did the assignments early. I just completely forgot to turn them in. They're done though.

Me: O.k. then you will need to stay after school and show those assignments to the teacher. Make sure that you did them right and explain what happened. Maybe you'll get partial credit.

Kid: But I have Chess club after school and I don't want to miss it!

Me: O.k. then see you if you can see your teacher right before class or after class or during lunch. You need to talk to your teacher.

Kid: O.k.

Later....

Kid: Mom I talked to the teacher during lunch and she is going to give me partial credit. That brings my grade up to a B.

Me: Good. When you get home, I want you to work on your assignment due tomorrow. I'll want to see it after dinner.

[Anonymous]

I’m a parent of a really capable kid who had C’s. My DH, like OP’s, apparently thought this was fine. We had pretty equal work hours. So I’d be the one going online and pointing out the bad grades and the upcoming tests. DH did and said nada, zip, zilch.

We tried counseling, and the counselor told DH to get involved because he wasn't sharing the tough parts of parenting. DH tried lamely for about six months and then stopped.

I’m here to tell you this arrangement sucks. DS felt stalked—by me. DS didn’t particularly want to work hard at school, and DH’s complete passivity let him off the hook. DS got two opposing messages and chose the easiest one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the past 10 pages, but has someone else asked whether the responses would be different if it's govt-job mom getting home early and private sector dad thinking about leaving due to her not keeping the household in order?

There was a thread sort of like that awhile back. (Clearly, I spend too much time on this site.) The OP was a dad with a private sector job. His wife was a teacher? who wanted to be sahm except she was not a competent hh manager and primary parent. They tried it for a couple months and it didn't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You text your kid - "You have a C in English and it appears that you haven't turned in 3 assignments. What happened?"

Kid answers: I did the assignments early. I just completely forgot to turn them in. They're done though.

Me: O.k. then you will need to stay after school and show those assignments to the teacher. Make sure that you did them right and explain what happened. Maybe you'll get partial credit.

Kid: But I have Chess club after school and I don't want to miss it!

Me: O.k. then see you if you can see your teacher right before class or after class or during lunch. You need to talk to your teacher.

Kid: O.k.

Later....

Kid: Mom I talked to the teacher during lunch and she is going to give me partial credit. That brings my grade up to a B.

Me: Good. When you get home, I want you to work on your assignment due tomorrow. I'll want to see it after dinner.

You text your kid - "You have a C in English. What happened?"

Kid answers: “The teacher is a really hard grader and she hates me.”

You: “I know that’s a hard class, but it seems like you need to spend more time on the next assignment.”

Kid: “I did! You don’t trust me!” (You happen to know DH and the kids were catching up on Stranger Things after school all last week.)

You: “I know you can do this, if you just give it a little more time. I’m happy to read your essay when I get home.”

Kid: “You don’t trust me! Why are you stalking me online anyway? You have issues. Dad doesn’t do this!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a parent of a really capable kid who had C’s. My DH, like OP’s, apparently thought this was fine. We had pretty equal work hours. So I’d be the one going online and pointing out the bad grades and the upcoming tests. DH did and said nada, zip, zilch.

We tried counseling, and the counselor told DH to get involved because he wasn't sharing the tough parts of parenting. DH tried lamely for about six months and then stopped.

I’m here to tell you this arrangement sucks. DS felt stalked—by me. DS didn’t particularly want to work hard at school, and DH’s complete passivity let him off the hook. DS got two opposing messages and chose the easiest one.

Once they figure out that it is less work for them to just do the assignment/study for the test than it is to try to stay after to talk to the teacher about a missing assignment or go in early to go over a poor test, they start to study and turn things in. It becomes a habit for them.

If one parent is giving the impression that homework and studying are optional and that grades don't matter....that would be a difficult situation. I can totally see that.